Small Behavioral Problems Get Small Consequences

Hi Mark, I have a few quick ones for you.

1. I asked my 15 year old to pass me an empty cup and plate that is on the other side of the room. He ignored me so I asked him again. Then he grunted that it was not his but his brother's (which could be true) and kept playing his game.

I am trying not to escalate things and become aggressive. Also trying to pick my battles...so I ignored him but did stay calm and walked away. Let me know if this is right?

>>>>>>>>>> Small problems get small consequences. The next time you request that your son do something, but he refuses, say, “If you choose not to do what I asked, you’ll choose the consequence, which is __________” (pick something small and relevant).

>>>>>>> In the case of not helping with a small chore related to eating, maybe take away all snacks for one evening (i.e., no chips, cookies, etc.).

2. We loved your idea of a chore a week. Our kids right now has virtually no chores! So we wanted to start really slow...and said...2 times a day you have to put your clothes, towels, dirty sports thing in your hamper if you want to go out or have friends come over on the weekend. His siblings did EXCELLENT with this but Ryan the 15 year old did OK not great. He usually did better with gentle coaxing. One day I noticed that he did not do it...so I left him a reminder note. I came home 2 hours later and saw the note gone but he still had not complied? What should I do?

>>>>>>>>>>> Put on your poker face and follow through with the consequence: he doesn’t go anywhere that evening.

>>>>>>>>>>>Allow him to make mistakes (i.e., poor choices) – it’s how he will learn to make better choices. Don’t attempt save him from “non-compliance.” (The ‘reminder note’ is a good idea, but it doesn’t matter what he does with the note, after all, it’s his note).

==> Help for Parents of Defiant Teens

Discipline for Teen Ranting & Raving

Mark,

I finally found my poker face but now my husband is having a hard time. We are having a hard time remembering the program when we are mad. It seems that once we have been pushed to the breaking point we resort back to old habits. I was not able to get my sons other 2 parents on board, so we are doing this on our own, which means every other weekend and every Tuesday for 3 hours my son is not following the program.

The hard part is if he gets him self grounded for 3 days and it falls in some of his fathers visitation the grounding ends up lasting longer than 3 days. But we are managing, I think. So, my new question to you is: I know that the discipline does not start until the ranting and raving is over, but what do you do when it starts back up in the middle of the 3 days? Do you start the discipline over again?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yes. When he stops ranting, look at your watch and start the clock again (write the day/time down somewhere so you don’t forget).

I think ‘no’ but I also don't think it's OK to let him get away with it? My husband I thought maybe a ‘yucky chore jar’ might be the trick to this? So, this idea is that we make up a bunch of yucky chores such as washing the toilet with a tooth brush or cleaning up dog poop or dusting the hole house, put them in a jar, and every time he mouths off about the grounding after it has started or mouths off in general he picks a chore for him to do. If he continues or complains about the chore he gets another one.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> This sounded good until the part where ‘he gets another one.” You don’t want to set up a situation where he keeps digging himself in a hole. He’ll never get out. If restrictions pile up, the kid will see no light at the end of the tunnel and will say, “Screw it.”

We love your program and think it works, but are finding some gray areas and we are trying to keep in mind that our son is only 10. Or is this just us feeling sorry for him?

>>>>>>>>>> There is a lot of gray area, and it’s good that you are differentiating between gray areas versus ‘black & white’ areas. You are only human, so of course you feel sorry for him from time to time. But catch yourself “feeling sorry for him,” and then get back on track with both nurturing and discipline.

Also, we know that when he is being disciplined he is to loose everything including wrestling practice. We are not sure that is good for our son because of his ADHD? PLEASE help us. Any answers you give are appreciated.

>>>>>>>>>>> I think we’re in one of those gray areas now. If you feel the advantages outweigh the disadvantages when you do NOT incorporate “wrestling practice” into the bag of “privileges withheld” during discipline times, then go ahead and allow him to do practice even when he’s on discipline.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents