How to Deal with Excessive Tiredness in Your Teenager

Hi Mark,

K's current problems are - bad sleep patterns, and not spending enough time on his study (in fact, almost no time).

Given the success of using the program for his other behaviours (still ups and downs, but he has actually modified his behaviour because of this program), I would like to state these rules & consequences:

1. No sleeping after school (or during the day on weekends). Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hours.

2. At least 1.5 hrs of study per night - in a way that is transparent. that is, when I look in on him, he should be entirely open about what homework he is doing. If he doesn't do enough time, or refuses to tell me what he is doing - Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hrs.

He had a blood test to rule out a medical cause for his tiredness (we get the results in a couple of days) - obviously if there is medical issue and the doctor says he needs more rest, I wouldn't have this rule, but I am confident that won't be the case, and I would like to have clear plan and clear expectations starting from next week.

As always, I appreciate your advice.

Thanks,

V.

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Hi V.,

I like it. Good plan.

I wouldn’t worry too much about any physical problems related to his being tired. I doubt that the tests will reveal anything. Most teens are at the developmental stage in which there is so much “growth-spurting” going on that tiredness is the rule rather than the exception. During the adolescent growth spurt, more sleep is required than previously because of increased growth (growth essentially goes on only during the hours of sleep).

The social pressures of the teen years - staying up late to watch TV, text on the phone endlessly with friends, or do the homework that should have been done earlier in the evening - when combined with the need to arise early in the morning for school, can easily create a situation in which the adolescent is chronically sleep deprived.

Inadequate sleep usually results in some variation of daytime sleepiness or tiredness, but may also curiously result in hyperactivity, school problems, emotional problems, and other daytime behavioral difficulties.

Before considering what might be causing “abnormal daytime sleepiness,” it is wise to begin by determining whether your son is even getting enough sleep to begin with. When a child goes to sleep at night and when he arouses in the morning may well be the explanation for sleepiness and lead to easy resolution of it.

For example, a 15-year-old should be getting about 8-3/4 hours of sleep per night. An 18-year-old needs about 8-1/4 hours.

Questions to consider:

Does your son consume any medications or drugs that can influence sleep patterns or lead to daytime sleepiness?

• antihistamines
• anti-seizure medications for epileptic children may cause drowsiness, especially phenobarbital
• caffeine (colas, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, tea)
• chocolate (active ingredient is theobromine, closely related to caffeine with similar effects)
• in adolescents, consider drugs of abuse, notably cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol

Are there any abnormal sleep behaviors?

• abnormal sleep positions (for example, the child cannot sleep unless neck is positioned awkwardly)
• bedwetting
• night terrors or confusional arousals (screaming or crying while not totally awake)
• sleepwalking
• Snoring or sleep apnea (prolonged cessation of loud breathing noises in sleep)

Are there daytime problems with school performance or behavior?

• emotional problems, teariness
• hyperactivity, aggressiveness or disruptive behavior
• inattention, mind wandering
• interference with peer relations
• poor grades - is the child functioning well at grade level?
• sleepiness in class

I hope this helps,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Teenage Son Is Emotionally Abusive Toward Father

Hi Mark, I seem to have reached stalemate. We are not having as many arguments as I refuse to get angry and always use my best poker face, however my son has a nasty angry response to every single thing I say, even if it is just hello. The responses are normally "shut up, don't speak to me, I don't want to talk to you, F... off " …I understand this is him just trying to push my buttons, but how can we move on from this. I can't have any conversation. I have tried asking him once per week to join us for dinner, but to no avail (although I will keep going). There is no way he would ever accompany us on an outing. I know we still have a long way to go. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks, Steve.

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Hi S.,

First of all, it is not uncommon for boys to have serious power struggles with their fathers – and girls to struggle with their mothers.

Second, I suggest that you stop trying to “bond” with him – that’s right - stop it!

Here’s why:

The true paradox is the harder you try to win-over an intense child, the more you lose him. Teenagers, by their very nature, want to be separate from their parents. But strong-willed, out-of-control teenagers take the term “autonomy-seeking” to a whole new level.

Let’s look into the mind of your son (the bad news first):

1. He does NOT like you (although he loves you in the deep recesses of his heart, and if you died suddenly, he would be devastated).
2. He probably thinks that you are a “geek” or a “nerd” – therefore he does NOT want to be anything like you.
3. He takes the father-son relationship for granted.
4. He creates distance in order to preserver his autonomy.
5. The behavior he uses to create distance comes in the form of verbal assaults.
6. He has no plans of changing this cycle any time soon.

The good news:

1. This will all change when he leaves the nest and has to live out in the “real world.”
2. After a few months raising his first child – he will realize that “dad” wasn’t such a “bad guy” after all – that’s right …he will “like you” again.

Back to the paradox—

Just as “the harder you try to win-over an intense child, the more you lose him” - the opposite is true as well. And this is where it may get a bit tough for you.

You should work toward emotional detachment. Once you are truly “emotionally detached,” here’s what happens:

1. You won’t be as likely to take his attacks personally. Instead, you will view them as an exaggerated need to be independent.
2. You won’t try harder than your son to preserve the relationship, thus you will be much less stressed out, confused and aggravated.
3. Your son will stop taking the relationship for granted, thus you will garner more displays of respect from him.
4. You will spend more time and energy taking care of YOU.
5. You will be able to cultivate the patience required to ride out the storm.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should be his “whipping post.” You cannot just roll over and allow him to be abusive toward you. This would send a very bad message that "it is o.k. to abuse authority figures."

I’m going to use a very unpopular term here for dramatic emphasis because I want to get my point across in no uncertain terms: You absolutely cannot be perceived as a “pussy” in your son’s eyes. If you display any signs of weakness whatsoever, your son will use you as prey.

In the event he is calling you names or using excessive profanity, a consequence (see “When You Want Something From Your Kid” – online version of the eBook) should be implemented. However, this doesn’t mean you should adopt an abusive attitude in return. As the old saying goes, “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.”

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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