How To Help Your Teen Stop Smoking

Adolescent smoking is a BIG issue, because adolescents who smoke are likely to turn into grown-ups who smoke. If you find your adolescent smoking, take it seriously. Stopping adolescent smoking in its tracks is the best way to promote a lifetime of good health. Adolescent smoking might begin innocently, but it can become a long-term problem. Help your teenage son or daughter avoid taking that first puff, or to stop smoking if he or she has already started the habit.

Follow these parenting tips to help stop - or prevent - adolescent smoking:

1. Adolescent smoking can be a form of rebellion or a way to fit in with a particular group of peers. Some adolescents begin smoking to control their weight. Others smoke to feel cool or independent. Ask your adolescent how she feels about smoking and if any of your adolescent's friends smoke. Applaud your adolescent's good choices, and talk about the consequences of bad choices.

2. Adolescent smoking is more common among adolescents whose moms and dads smoke. If you don't smoke, keep it up. If you do smoke, quit — now. The earlier you stop smoking, the less likely your adolescent is to become a smoker. Ask a health professional about ways to stop smoking. In the meantime, don't smoke in the house, in the car or in front of your adolescent, and don't leave cigarettes where your adolescent might find them. Explain to your adolescent how unhappy you are with your smoking, how difficult it is to quit and that you'll keep trying until you stop smoking for good.

3. Adolescents can become addicted to nicotine surprisingly quickly — sometimes within just a few weeks of experimenting with smoking. While many adolescents who smoke think they can stop anytime, research shows this isn't usually true. When you talk to your adolescent about stopping smoking, ask if any of his friends have tried to stop smoking. Consider why they were — or weren't — successful. Then ask your adolescent which stop-smoking strategies he thinks might be most helpful.

4. Adolescents tend to assume that bad things happen only to other people. Most adolescents think cancer, heart attacks and strokes occur only in the abstract. Use loved ones, friends, neighbors or celebrities who've been ill as real-life examples.

5. Although nicotine replacement products (e.g., nicotine gums, patches, inhalers or nasal sprays) weren't designed for adolescents, they might be helpful in some cases. Ask your adolescent's doctor which options might be best for your adolescent.

6. Although the consequences of smoking (e.g., cancer, heart attack and stroke) are real, they're probably beyond the realm of your adolescent's concern. Rather than lecturing your adolescent on the long-term dangers of smoking, ask your adolescent what she considers the negative aspects of smoking. Once your adolescent has had her say, offer your own list of negatives.

7. Celebrate your adolescent's success. You might offer a favorite meal for a smoke-free day, a new shirt for a smoke-free week, or a party with nonsmoking buddies for a smoke-free month. Rewards and positive reinforcement can help your adolescent maintain the motivation to stop smoking for good.

8. Contact a tobacco-cessation specialist. A tobacco-cessation specialist can give your adolescent the tools and support she needs to stop smoking. Some hospitals and local organizations offer stop-smoking groups just for adolescents. You might look for adolescent groups online, too. Web-based programs can also provide support for your adolescent whenever she needs it.

9. Encourage your adolescent to write down why he wants to stop smoking. The list can help your adolescent stay motivated when temptation arises.

10. Help your adolescent choose a date to stop smoking. Avoid placing the stop date during a stressful time (e.g., during final exams).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. If your adolescent feels pressured to smoke, encourage him to get involved in new activities. Making new friends who don't smoke could make it easier to avoid friends who aren't willing to stop smoking.

12. If your adolescent has already started smoking, avoid threats and ultimatums. Instead, find out why your adolescent is smoking, and discuss ways to help your adolescent quit.

13. If your adolescent slips, remain supportive. Congratulate your adolescent on the progress she has made so far, and encourage your adolescent not to give up. Help your adolescent identify what went wrong and what to do differently next time.

14. Instead of getting angry, be curious and supportive. Ask your adolescent what made her start smoking. Perhaps your adolescent is trying to fit in at school, or maybe your adolescent thinks that smoking will help relieve stress. Sometimes adolescent smoking is an attempt to feel cool or more grown-up. Once you understand why your adolescent is smoking, you'll be better equipped to address smoking as a potential problem — as well as help your adolescent eventually stop smoking.

15. Most adolescents believe occasional smoking won't cause them to become addicted and that, if they become regular smokers, they can stop smoking anytime they want. Adolescents, however, can become addicted with intermittent and relatively low levels of smoking. Remind your adolescent that most adult smokers start as adolescents. Once you're hooked, it's tough to quit.

16. Participate in local and school-sponsored smoking prevention campaigns.

17. Peer pressure to smoke might be inevitable, but your adolescent doesn't need to give in. Help your adolescent practice saying, "No thanks, I don't smoke." Peers who smoke can be convincing, but you can give your adolescent the tools he needs to stay away from people who smoke. Rehearse how to handle tough social situations. It might be as simple as walking away from friends who are puffing away.

18. Prompt your adolescent to calculate the weekly, monthly or yearly cost of smoking. You might compare the cost of smoking with electronic devices, clothes or other items your adolescent considers important.

19. Remind your adolescent that if she can hold out long enough — usually just a few minutes — the nicotine craving will pass. Suggest taking a few deep breaths. Offer sugarless gum, cinnamon sticks, toothpicks or straws to help your adolescent keep her mouth busy.

20. Smokeless tobacco, clove cigarettes and candy-flavored cigarettes are sometimes mistaken as less harmful or addictive than are traditional cigarettes. Adolescents also often think that water pipe smoking is safe. Nothing could be further from the truth. Don't let your adolescent be fooled.

21. Smoking isn't glamorous. Remind your adolescent that smoking is dirty and smelly. Smoking gives you bad breath and wrinkles. Smoking makes your clothes and hair smell, and it turns your teeth yellow. Smoking can leave you with a chronic cough and less energy for sports and other enjoyable activities.

22. Support efforts to make public places smoke-free and increase taxes on tobacco products.

23. Talk with your adolescent about how tobacco companies try to influence ideas about smoking (e.g., through advertisements or product placement in the movies that create the perception that smoking is glamorous and more prevalent than it really is).

24. You might feel as if your adolescent doesn't hear a word you say, but say it anyway. Tell your adolescent that smoking isn't allowed. Your disapproval will have more impact than you think. Adolescents whose moms and dads set the firmest smoking restrictions tend to smoke less than do adolescents whose moms and dads don't set smoking limits. The same goes for adolescents who feel close to their parents.

25. Consider appealing to your adolescent's vanity. Smoking:
  • causes wrinkles
  • gives you bad breath
  • leaves you with a hacking cough
  • makes your clothes and hair smell
  • turns your teeth and fingernails yellow
  • zaps your energy for sports and other activities


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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How to Help Your Teenager Avoid Alcohol and Drugs

"Any thoughts on how to get a 17 year old to stop using drugs? He's headed for prison if he doesn't change his ways soon! He's already on probation through juvenile court."

Adolescents who experiment with alcohol and drugs put their health and safety at risk. Parents can help prevent adolescent alcohol/drug abuse by talking to their sons and daughters about the consequences of using harmful substances and the importance of making healthy choices.

Various factors can contribute to adolescent alcohol/drug abuse, from insecurity to a desire for social acceptance. Adolescents often feel indestructible and might not consider the consequences of their actions, leading them to take dangerous risks like abusing alcohol and legal/illegal drugs.

Common risk factors for adolescent alcohol/drug abuse include:
  • academic failure
  • alcohol and drug availability
  • belief that alcohol/drug abuse is OK 
  • early aggressive or impulsive behavior 
  • family history of substance abuse 
  • feelings of social rejection 
  • history of traumatic events (e.g., experiencing a car accident, being a victim of abuse)
  • lack of nurturing by mom or dad
  • low self-esteem
  • mental or behavioral health condition (e.g., depression, anxiety, ADHD) 
  • poor social coping skills
  • relationships with peers who drink alcohol or use drugs

Negative consequences of adolescent alcohol/drug abuse might include:
  • Sexual activity. Adolescents who abuse alcohol and drugs are more likely to have poor judgment, which can result in unplanned and unsafe sex.
  • Serious health problems. Abuse of prescription or over-the-counter medications can cause respiratory distress and seizures. Chronic use of inhalants can harm the heart, lungs, liver and kidneys. Ecstasy can cause liver damage and heart failure. High doses of or chronic use of methamphetamine can cause psychotic behavior.
  • Impaired driving. Driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs impairs a driver's motor skills, reaction time and judgment, thus putting the driver, her passengers, and others on the road at risk.
  • Drug dependence. Adolescents who abuse alcohol and drugs are at increased risk of serious dependency later in life. 
  • Concentration problems. Some drugs (e.g., marijuana) affect an adolescent's memory, motivation, and ability to learn.

It may seem difficult to talk to your adolescent about alcohol/drug abuse. Start by choosing a comfortable time and setting when you're unlikely to be interrupted. If you're nervous about discussing the topic, share your feelings with your adolescent. You might also consider sharing the responsibility with another nurturing adult in your adolescent's life.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some tips for talking with your adolescent about alcohol and drugs:
  • Discuss ways to resist peer pressure. Brainstorm with your adolescent about how to turn down offers to drink alcohol or use drugs.
  • Discuss reasons not to abuse alcohol or drugs. Avoid scare tactics. Emphasize how alcohol/drug use can affect things important to your adolescent (e.g., sports, driving, health, appearance, etc.). Explain that even an adolescent can develop an alcohol or drug problem.
  • Consider media messages. Some television programs, movies, websites or songs glamorize or trivialize alcohol/drug use. Talk about what your adolescent has seen or heard. 
  • Be ready to discuss your own alcohol or drug use. Think ahead about how you'll respond if your adolescent asks about your own alcohol or drug use. If you chose not to use alcohol or drugs, explain why. If you did drink alcohol or use drugs, share what the experience taught you.
  • Ask your adolescent's views. Avoid long, boring lectures. Instead, listen to your adolescent's opinions and questions about alcohol/drug use. Observe your adolescent's nonverbal responses to see how he or she feels about the topic. Encourage your adolescent to talk by making statements instead of asking questions. For example, saying, "I'm interested in your opinion" might work better than "What do you think?"

Don't be afraid that talking about alcohol/drug abuse will plant ideas in your adolescent's head. Conversations about alcohol and drugs won't tempt your adolescent to try these chemicals. Instead, talking about it lets your adolescent know your views and understand what you expect of him or her.

In addition to talking to your adolescent, consider other strategies to prevent adolescent alcohol/drug abuse:
  • Set a good example. Don't abuse substances yourself.
  • Provide support. Offer praise and encouragement when your adolescent succeeds, whether at school or at home. A strong bond between you and your adolescent might help prevent him from abusing alcohol and drugs. 
  • Know your adolescent's peers. If your adolescent's friends abuse alcohol or drugs, she might feel pressure to experiment, too. Get to know your adolescent's friends and their moms and dads.
  • Know your adolescent's activities. Pay attention to your adolescent's whereabouts. Find out what adult-supervised activities he is interested in and encourage him to get involved.
  • Keep an eye on prescription drugs. Take an inventory of all prescription and over-the-counter medications in your home and keep them out of easily accessible places (e.g., the medicine cabinet). If your adolescent needs to take prescription medication during school hours, it should be dispensed by the school nurse.
  • Establish rules and consequences. Make it clear that you won't tolerate alcohol or drug abuse. Rules might include leaving a party where alcohol drinking and drug use occurs and not riding in a car with a driver who's been using any substances. Agree on the consequences of breaking the rules ahead of time — and enforce them consistently.

Be aware of possible red flags, such as:
  • An unusual chemical or medicine smell on your adolescent or in her room
  • Drug paraphernalia in your adolescent's room
  • Hostile or uncooperative attitude
  • Loss of interest in hobbies or family activities
  • Medicine containers, despite a lack of illness
  • Secrecy about actions or possessions
  • Stealing money or an unexplained need for money
  • Sudden or extreme change in friends, eating habits, sleeping patterns, physical appearance, coordination or school performance

If you suspect that your adolescent is abusing alcohol or drugs, talk to him. Avoid accusations. Instead, ask your adolescent what's going on in his life and encourage him to be honest. If your adolescent admits to abusing drugs, let him know that you're disappointed. Enforce the consequences you've established and explain to your adolescent ways that he can help regain your lost trust (e.g., being home by curfew, improving grades, etc.). 


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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Pregnancy in Adolescence: Important Tips for Parents

Pregnancy in adolescence is often a crisis for a young lady and her family, as well as the child's dad and his family. Common reactions include anger, guilt and denial. Your adolescent might also experience anxiety, fear, shock and depression. Talk to your teenager about what she's feeling and the choices ahead. She needs your love, guidance and support now more than ever.

A pregnant adolescent (along with her mom and dad, the father of the child and his mom and dad) has a variety of options to consider:

• Terminate the pregnancy. Some pregnant adolescents choose to end their pregnancies. If your teenager is considering abortion, discuss the risks and the emotional consequences. Keep in mind that some states require parental notification for a legal abortion.

• Give the child up for adoption. Some pregnant adolescents choose to give their child up for adoption. If your teenager is considering adoption, help her explore the different types of adoption available. Also discuss the emotional impact of giving a child up for adoption.

• Keep the child. Many pregnant adolescents keep their child. Some marry the child's dad and raise the child together. Others rely on family support to raise the child. Finishing school and getting a good job can be difficult for an adolescent parent, however. If your teenager is thinking about keeping the child, make sure she understands the challenges and responsibilities involved. In addition to talking to you, encourage your teenager to talk about the options with her health care provider or a specialist in pregnancy counseling. 
 

Pregnant adolescents and their children are at higher risk of health problems than are pregnant females who are older. The most common complications for pregnant adolescents (especially those younger than age 15 and those who don't receive prenatal care) include a low level of iron in the blood (i.e., anemia) and preterm labor. Some research suggests that pregnant adolescents might be more likely to develop high blood pressure as well. Children born to adolescent moms are more likely to be born prematurely and have a low birth weight. A pregnant adolescent can improve her chances of having a healthy boy or girl by taking good care of herself. 

If your teenager decides to continue the pregnancy, encourage her to do the following:

• Avoid dangerous chemicals. Alcohol, tobacco, marijuana and other illicit drugs are off-limits during pregnancy. Even moderate alcohol use during pregnancy can harm a developing child. Smoking increases the risk of premature birth, problems with the placenta and low birth weight — and drugs your adolescent takes can pass from her to her child, sometimes with devastating effects. Even prescription and over-the-counter medications deserve caution. Remind your teenager to clear any medications or supplements with her health care provider ahead of time.

• Maintain a healthy diet. During pregnancy, your teenager will need more folic acid, calcium, iron, protein and other essential nutrients. A daily prenatal vitamin can help fill any gaps. In addition, your teenager might need extra calcium and phosphorus because her own bones are still growing.

• Gain weight sensibly. Gaining the right amount of weight can support the child's health — and make it easier for your adolescent to lose the extra pounds after delivery. A weight gain of 25 to 35 pounds is often recommended for females who have a healthy weight before pregnancy. Pregnant adolescents may need to gain more weight. Encourage your teenager to work with her health care provider to determine what's right for her.

• Get tested for infections. Sexually transmitted infections (e.g., gonorrhea, Chlamydia, syphilis) can increase the risk of miscarriage, premature birth, low birth weight, birth defects and other pregnancy complications. If your adolescent has a sexually transmitted infection, treatment is critical.

• Get prenatal care. During pregnancy, regular prenatal visits can help your teenager's health care provider monitor her health and the child's health.

• Exercise. Regular physical activity can help ease or even prevent discomfort, boost your adolescent's energy level and improve her overall health. It also can help her prepare for labor and childbirth by increasing her stamina and muscle strength. Encourage your teenager to get her health care provider's permission before starting or continuing an exercise program, especially if she has an underlying medical condition.

• Take child birth classes. These classes can help prepare your teenager for pregnancy, child birth, breast-feeding and being a parent. If your teenager lacks the finances or transportation needed to obtain prenatal care — or needs help continuing her education — a counselor or social worker might be able to help. 
 

Pregnancy in adolescence often has a negative impact on an adolescent's future. Adolescent moms are less likely to graduate from high school and to attend college, are more likely to live in poverty, and are at risk of domestic violence. Adolescent dads tend to finish fewer years of school than do older dads. They're also less likely to earn a livable wage and hold a steady job. In addition, kids of adolescent mothers and fathers are more likely to have health and cognitive conditions and are more likely to be neglected or abused. Females born to adolescent moms and dads are more likely to experience teen pregnancy themselves.

If your teenager decides to continue the pregnancy, address these challenges head-on. Discuss her goals for the future and how she might go about achieving them as a mother. Look for special programs available to help pregnant adolescents remain in school or complete course work from home. Encourage your teenager to take parenting classes, and help her prepare to financially support and raise a youngster. Whatever choice your teenager makes, be there for her as much as possible. Your love and support will help her deal with pregnancy and the challenges ahead.

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Dealing with Difficult Teen Behavior: 40 Tips for Parents

Helping a teenager become a caring, independent and responsible grown-up is no small task. The teenage years can be a confusing “time of change” for adolescents and moms and dads alike. But while these years can be tough, there's plenty you can do to nurture your adolescent and encourage responsible behavior.

Use the following parenting skills to deal with the challenges of raising an adolescent:

1. As you allow your adolescent some degree of self-expression, remember that you can still maintain high expectations for your adolescent and the kind of person he or she will become.

2. As your adolescent demonstrates more responsibility, grant him or her more freedom. If your adolescent shows poor judgment, impose more restrictions.

3. Avoid disciplining your adolescent when you're angry.

4. Avoid reprimanding your adolescent in front of his or her friends.

5. Avoid setting rules your adolescent can't possibly follow. A chronically messy adolescent may not be able to maintain a spotless bedroom overnight.

6. Avoid ultimatums. Your adolescent may view an ultimatum as condescending and interpret it as a challenge.

7. Avoid using a sarcastic, demeaning or disrespectful tone.

8. Be consistent when you enforce limits. Whatever disciplinary technique you choose, relate the consequences to the broken rule and deliver them immediately.

9. Be prepared to explain your decisions. Your adolescent may be more likely to comply with a rule when he or she understands its purpose.

10. Be specific. Rather than telling your adolescent not to stay out late, set a specific curfew.

11. Before negotiating with your adolescent, consider how far you're willing to bend. Don't negotiate when it comes to restrictions imposed for your adolescent's safety (e.g., substance abuse, sexual activity, reckless driving, etc.).

12. Don't impose penalties you're not prepared to carry out.

13. Don't pressure your adolescent to be like you were or wish you had been at his or her age.

14. Encourage your adolescent to talk to other supportive adults (e.g., uncle, older cousin) for additional guidance.

15. Enforcing consequences can be tough — but your adolescent needs you to be his or her parent, not a pal. Being too lenient may send the message that you don't take your adolescent's behavior seriously, while being too harsh can cause resentment.

16. Focus on what you want your teenager to learn from a particular consequence - not whether or not he or she going to care.

17. Get to know the technology your adolescent is using and the websites he or she visits. If possible, keep the computer in a common area in your home. Remind your adolescent to practice basic safety rules (e.g., talk to a parent or trusted adult if an interaction or message makes you uncomfortable, don't text or chat on the phone while driving, don't share personal information online, don't share passwords, don't send anything in a message you wouldn't say face to face, don't plagiarize, don't get together with someone you meet online, and so on).

18. Give your adolescent some leeway when it comes to clothing and hairstyles. It's natural for adolescents to rebel and express themselves in ways that differ from their moms and dads.

19. Have plenty of time-outs (i.e., time away from your difficult teenager).

20. If your adolescent doesn't seem interested in bonding, keep trying.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

21. If your adolescent shows an interest in body art (e.g., tattoos, piercings), make sure he or she understands the health risks (e.g., skin infections, allergic reactions, hepatitis B and C). Also, talk about potential permanence or scarring.

22. Keep in mind that only reprimanding your adolescent and never giving him or her any justified praise can prove demoralizing. For every time you discipline or correct your adolescent, try to compliment him or her twice.

23. Keep your rules short and to the point.

24. Limit consequences to a few hours or days to make them most effective.

25. Listen to your adolescent when he or she talks.

26. Make sure you reprimand your adolescent's behavior, not the adolescent.

27. Make sure your adolescent knows early on that you won't tolerate tobacco, alcohol or other drug use.

28. Not sure if you're setting reasonable limits? Talk to your adolescent, other moms and dads and your adolescent's doctor. Whenever possible, give your adolescent a say in establishing the rules he or she is expected to follow.

29. On days when you're having trouble connecting with your adolescent, consider each doing your own thing in the same space. Being near each other could lead to the start of a conversation.

30. One of the most important parenting skills needed for raising healthy adolescents involves positive attention.

31. Punish only the guilty party, not other family members.

32. Put house-rules in writing. Use this technique to counter a selective memory.

33. Regularly eating meals together may be a good way to stay connected to your adolescent. Better yet, invite your adolescent to prepare the meal with you.

34. Remember, adolescents learn how to behave by watching their moms and dads. Your actions generally speak louder than your words. Set a positive example and your adolescent will likely follow your lead.

35. Respect your adolescent's feelings.

36. Spend time with your adolescent to remind him or her that you care.

37. To encourage your adolescent to behave well, identify what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behavior at home, at school and elsewhere. As you establish appropriate rules, be sure to explain to your adolescent the behavior you expect as well as the consequences for complying and disobeying.

38. Use “active ignoring.” Tell your adolescent that you'll talk to him or her when the whining, sulking or yelling stops. Ignore your adolescent in the meantime.

39. When a consequence needs to be issued for misbehavior, ask the adolescent to suggest one. Your adolescent may have an easier time accepting a consequence if he or she played a role in deciding it.

40. While it's important to consistently enforce your rules, you can occasionally make exceptions when it comes to matters such as homework habits, TV watching and bedtime. Prioritizing rules will give you and your adolescent a chance to practice negotiating and compromising.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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Creating An Effective Behavioral Agreement With Your Teen

Having problems getting through to your defiant adolescent about needed behavior changes? A behavioral agreement may be the way to go. Behavioral agreements are contracts between parent and youngster intended to produce desired outcomes. It may be higher grades, doing more chores, developing a better attitude, or making new friends. Regardless, the process to create a behavioral agreement is the same.

All moms and dads have a wish list for their kids. College preparation may be on the list. Doing more work around the house, or at least keep their bedroom clean makes most lists. Improved attitudes and more respect for moms and dads and other adult authority figures can be big. Pick the changes and plan an agreement that will lead to what you want.

Points to consider before drafting a behavioral agreement:

1. You are unlikely to turn an extremely poor student into the class academic leader with one quick agreement. Pick your battles and put them in writing. Avoid making the agreement sound like an ultimatum if possible. This is a contract reached by something resembling mutual consent. If both of you do not agree on it, it will not work very well.

2. Reducing unwanted behavior should have a reward attached. Likewise, when positive behavior is observed, it needs to be rewarded, too. The trick here is to find out how much change is enough to receive a reward. If you make it too little change, you will see very little progress. If you make it too much change, your adolescent may lose the incentive to try. This can be a little trial and error until you find what works best for your youngster. Your adolescent will probably tell you if it is too hard. It is not likely to be said if it is too easy. Find a system of rewards that excite your adolescent enough to keep her working for it. The reward may be something that you have on your list of dislikes which is really not terrible in the big scheme of things (e.g., a body piercing).

3. Failing to come home on time needs to be part of an agreement if it is a problem. Playing too many video games for too long and too often may need to be considered. For most adolescents, you need to include sexual activity as something to be eliminated. You will have your own list of behaviors to eliminate.

4. Lack of quality communication is what leads to most situations between adolescents and their moms and dads. Use the development of this agreement to establish some lines of communication. Make sure that the changes are not to just make you happy, but are intended to cause long-term benefits for the adolescent.

5. Be flexible when opening the negotiations. Listen to your adolescent as much as you talk. Make sure that it is not just you lecturing your adolescent. Be willing to delay some of your wants to get your adolescent on board with the agreement. Once it is working and your youngster sees the upside, making a new and more extensive agreement will be much easier. Keep this one simple. A mutual agreement that will work is your goal.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Creating the behavioral agreement:

1. First, arrange a time to meet with all the grown-ups who are responsible for enforcing rules and disciplining your adolescent (e.g., biological parent who lives outside the home, stepparent).

2. Discuss the problems that you are having with your adolescent. Allow everyone involved to offer input as different issues may arise with different caregivers. Behaviors that may be addressed include:
  • treatment of parents
  • school performance
  • dating
  • curfew
  • car use
  • cell phone use
  • alcohol and drug abuse

3.  Note ideas on paper as you brainstorm together. Finalize a list of pertinent matters and number the matters in order of importance (e.g., potentially dangerous issues like drug and alcohol use require more urgent attention than the amount of time your adolescent spends on her cell phone).

4. Narrow the list down to no more than 5 behaviors that you want the adolescent to focus on improving. Include these behaviors in the initial agreement and add others at a later date as he progresses.

5. Write a sentence for each behavior that states how your adolescent is expected to behave in a given situation. Format the sentence in first person perspective from your adolescent’s point of view. Utilize positive words and phrases.

6. Decide on a positive consequence that will result when your adolescent fulfills the expectation (e.g., a special privilege). You may also choose to simply list the natural consequences of good behavior (e.g., trust, respect, more freedom).

7. Determine what the consequence will be if your adolescent fails to behave in the desired manner. Consider consequences that are effective with your youngster and appropriate to the behavior, as well as your ability to enforce the chosen discipline.

8. List both the positive and negative consequences underneath each expectation. Establish the period of time for which the agreement will be valid and note the date at the bottom.

9. Create a chart with each expectation listed on the side and the days of the week across the top. Track your adolescent’s behavior throughout the length of the agreement by filling in the chart accordingly.

10. Meet with all the parties who are involved in the agreement. Review the terms of the agreement and clarify any questions that are presented. Allow your adolescent an opportunity to offer constructive feedback.

11. Include revisions as required to the agreement. Have everyone sign and date the final draft. Make a copy of it for each party.

12. Use the behavior chart to monitor your adolescent’s behavior on a daily basis. Enforce the terms of the agreement consistently to achieve positive results.

13. Revise the behavioral contract accordingly upon its expiration date. New expectations can be added as your adolescent displays a consistent ability to make positive choices in situations addressed within the original agreement.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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Parent's Reverse Psychology: The Power of Choice

As moms and dads, we want to know that we’re in control. But our children tend to beg, plead, and whine about the options we make for them. So, give your children options (without really letting them choose). This is a great way to let children have an option without giving up all the parental control.

But you don’t have to make it an option between something they want and something you want for them, like candy or an orange. Choose the orange for them, but they get to choose how they’re going to eat it… in slices or with cottage cheese.

Empowering your children with options gives them more independence. It teaches them the relationship between their decisions and outcomes. And with more practice, their decision making skills will grow into a valuable lifelong lesson. Giving children options encourages cooperation, which is what we are trying to get in the first place. Giving children options helps prevent power struggles.

The ability to choose is a natural human need. Quench their thirst for control and watch the power struggles fade. The ability to create options is what gives your kids a sense of purpose. They are no longer helpless babies. They are functioning human beings that are fully capable of creating their own options.

Offering your kids options is an excellent strategy to have in your parenting "tool kit." If you make an effort to be genuine with the options you offer, you will communicate respect for your kids at the same time, which will result in greater collaboration and overall peace. 

Here are some strategies to apply when providing options for your kids:

1. Don’t forget to add the words ‘you choose’: “Would you like to play a video game, or color while I cook? You choose.” This will make it next to impossible for the power hungry child to pass up.

2. Give specific options that you are comfortable with. If you don’t feel like cooking lasagna for dinner, don’t offer the option.

3. If kids don’t like the option they made, acknowledge their disappointment and remind them that they can choose another option next time.

4. If your child tends to change his/her mind, confirm the option and your expectation that he/she sticks with it. For example say, "Okay, you chose corn flakes, right? Once I pour the milk on it, I expect you to eat it."

5. If you say, "Do you want juice or milk" and your youngster responds, "I want both," you can reply, "Which one first?"

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. If your youngster is reluctant to suggest some options, you can say, "You can decide or I’ll decide for you, but you might not like what I decide."

7. Limit options to two or three. Giving your child the option between 5 different shirts is going to do more harm than good.

8. Make sure the options are age appropriate. Four-year-olds are great at picking out their own pajamas, but don’t expect them to choose the color of your new car.

9. Make the options respectful to both you and your youngster. If you say, "Either quit throwing the ball in the house or I’ll take it away," you are making a threat and not offering a respectful, fair option. An effective, mutually respectful option would be, "You can either play with the ball outside or with another toy inside. You choose." Here, you can address safety concerns and respect the youngster’s need or desire to play.

10. Offer options that you can live with. For example, you might ask, "Do you want peas or carrots for dinner?" This narrows down the options and gives your youngster some say in the matter.

11. Offer options as often as possible. Much of your youngster's day includes following directions. As moms and dads, we tell our children when to be ready, where to go, and how to behave. At school, their entire day is scheduled around following "orders." So as often as is appropriate, give your youngster options. This might be something as simple as "Do you want to wear the long sleeve shirt or the short sleeve one?"

12. State your bottom line (the minimum standards that must occur or what is non-negotiable). Then you or your husband or wife can offer options within those limits. Your limits will usually relate to safety, health, rules, rights and things like that. Those are issues that the both of you can and need to control.

13. Don’t be overly rigid about forcing kids to pick one of your options. Any option that meets your bottom line is okay, because your goal is to reach a win/win solution.

14. Talk about options in advance. This gives your youngster a chance to think about the options and make an informed decision. For example, you might be planning a special family outing for your kids. If it really makes no difference to you which place you go (e.g., park, beach, museum, etc.), then give them the option to choose. This increases their sense of inclusion in the process and will likely help them participate more enthusiastically when the day comes.

15. Give your youngster time to make a positive decision. Learning how to make the right decision takes time, and sometimes your children just need a little space to come to the decision "on their own."


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

What To Do When You Don’t Like Your Teenager’s Friends

Parenting an adolescent can be tough, especially when he or she starts bringing new friends home. With all the different friends your youngster is bound to make, it’s very likely you’re going to dislike at least one of them. Here’s what to do to keep this issue from becoming a big problem:

1. As long as your youngster isn’t getting into trouble with his friend, and your dislike is not based on anything concrete, let your youngster make his own choices about which friends he is going to hang-out with. Keep a close eye, but believe in your kid to make good decisions.

2. Ask yourself if what you don’t like about the friend really matters. Is it the way he dresses? Is it a lack of good manners? Is your youngster getting into trouble with this friend? Once you identify this, you will have a better idea of how to proceed.

3. Be a fly on the wall when the friend is over.  One of the best ways to listen to conversations your teen and her friends are having is to make snacks and walk in and out of the area replenishing the snacks and drinks without saying anything that would call attention to yourself.

4. Don’t turn everything into a life lesson. If you do this every time your adolescent tells you a story, soon he won’t tell you anything. Laugh with him. If you can’t do that, laugh at him. If something he says causes minor concern, wait and bring it up later under a different context.

5. Don't attack your youngster's friends. Nothing will start an argument faster than suggesting that her friends are not good enough. She really needs her friends at this stage in her life. Criticizing the friends is seen by adolescents as being the same as criticizing them.

6. Every time your youngster gets into trouble, it can’t be the fault of the other youngster 100% of the time. Remember that your youngster is not perfect. There may be times when he is the bad influence.

7. Few things drive an adolescent closer to her “problem friends” than a parent’s snap judgment. You may tell your adolescent you just don’t like her friends when you don’t really know them, and this can make her very angry, possibly driving her closer to the friend in order to try to prove you wrong. In many cases, if you try to tell your youngster who not to be friends with, you can bet you have just picked her new best friend, even if that friendship happens entirely behind your back. Adolescents have a tendency to dig in their heels when they're given an ultimatum, either out of loyalty to the friend or resentment at being told what to do.

8. If the friendship shows signs of falling apart, don’t point out how you were right all along. Your teen certainly doesn’t want to hear “I told you so” anymore than we as grown-ups want to hear that when we make mistakes.

9. If you decide that you do need to get involved in your child’s friendships, sit her down and give her clear concrete reasons. Focus on the impact the friendship is having on your adolescent, rather than spouting off a list of things you dislike about the other kid. Are her grades slipping? Has she given up other friendships? Have you caught her lying? Has she gotten into serious trouble? Discuss these concerns with a serious tone.

10. If you notice that your youngster is suddenly cussing or missing curfew since he started hanging out with a particular friend, focus on dealing with his behavior rather than disrespecting the friend. If you're consistent about disciplining your teen for any rules he and his friend break while the friend is visiting, he may get sick of being in trouble every time his friend comes over and eventually ditch him.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. If your teenager meets a friend you like, encourage that relationship. Offer to take them to the movies or some other outing. Talk about how great it was and how it worked out so well for everybody (without exaggerating).

12. If you're discouraging a particular friendship, make it easier for your youngster to start a new one. Fill his calendar with activities he enjoys. It will give him a chance to meet new friends outside of school and the neighborhood.

13.  Instead of telling your adolescent everything you don’t like about his friends, make a point of talking to him about what friends should be. Take some time to teach your adolescent what traits to look for in a friend.  Be subtle though. Adolescents know when you are trying to drop hints and come at something from another angle.

14. Make sure your youngster knows your family rules and values. For example, "You can only go to parties if a parent is there to supervise." Be as clear and consistent as you can about what's acceptable and what's not.

15. Make your home somewhere teens want to hang out. The teens who are the real troublemakers don’t want to hang out anywhere near moms or dads. So they will tend to go away and find other peers who are equally less supervised.

16. Many moms and dads feel they need to manage their teenager’s choice of friends out of a sense that they're losing control, but that's not doing your children any favors in the long run. You want your kids to be able to make decisions on their own. 

17. Moms and dads often don't like their kid's friends without realizing that children choose friends for specific reasons. Ask yourself, “Why is my youngster attracted to this particular kid?" Is she lonely? Did her group just dump her? Is this person exciting to be around? Learn how to ask the right questions in a curious, nonjudgmental way. For example, "Help me understand what it is about Craig that you're drawn to."

18. Sometimes, children just "try on" friends for a while to see who fits, then move on. In some cases, they may choose friends with traits they feel they lack and admire. In other cases, they may choose friends with similar traits (e.g., teens with low self-esteem can be attracted to other teens with low self-esteem).

19. Take time to get to know your adolescent’s friends. Then, if you really do disapprove of them for legitimate reasons, you have a leg to stand on. Think about opening your home to them or driving them to outings. Your initial “accepting attitude” will probably go a long way in establishing your credibility if you have issues with your adolescent’s friends later.

20. The best judge of character is often other teens. Listen to what your child’s other friends have to say about the kid you don’t like.

21. With respect to romantic relationships, don't let your dislike of your teenage daughter’s boyfriend hinder your relationship with her. Make sure she knows you're always there for her, regardless of whom she's dating. 


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Rude Teens and Backtalk: 25 Tips for Parents

Backtalk can be one of the most frustrating behaviors for moms and dads. It's hard to keep cool and clear-headed when teens are being disrespectful. The angrier we become, the more backtalk our teens dish out. Don't despair. Taming backtalk takes practice, but if you stay calm and consistent, you can get a hold of this troublesome behavior. 

You can control this vicious cycle if you follow some of the tips below:

1. Avoid the word "if" (as in "If you do that again, I'm going to..."). It makes you sound weak instead of decisive, and your teenager will pick up on that. Moms and dads tend to over-talk. Taking action is much more effective.

2. Back off. If your adolescent is irate, any attempts to restrict or discipline her will only be counterproductive. Give her some time to cool off. If the situation calls for a consequence, it can be dealt later, but too often moms and dads make threats that are too harsh in the heat of the moment.

3. Backtalk sometimes comes from adolescents trying to learn how to assert their independence and test limits, so help them make good choices within the boundaries that you set. As much as possible, help them to be responsible for their own behavior, even if it means that they have to deal with the negative consequences (this can often be the best learning experience).

4. Be willing to have conversations (not arguments) about adjusting the rules and consequences every few months as your teenager gets older and can take on more responsibility. However, make it clear that your adolescent must be able to present her position to you without being rude (an excellent life skill to instill). In addition, all parties involved need to understand that just because the adolescent may present a good argument in a polite manner, it doesn't mean that you're required to change your position. Be willing to listen with an open mind and be up for a discussion, but in the end, you are the mother or father with the life experience to make good decisions, as well as the adult responsible for your teenager’s safety and well-being.

5. Beware small things that may start long arguments. A little disagreement over whether or not you were fair in grounding him two weeks ago may spiral into a fight over how fair you are regularly.

6. Calm down. If the teenager talks back in a very disrespectful way, leave the room and the conversation. If the teenager trails behind, let him know that backtalk will not be tolerated, and ignore the teenager. After calming down, then decide on the punishment for the offense. Do not lecture or give long-winded speeches, as your adolescent will simply tune out, which will in turn make you more likely to get worked up.

7. Do not negotiate with your teenager, back down, or let her draw your into an argument about the consequence that you are enforcing. Consequences are consequences and shouldn't be up for discussion or argument. If your teenager feels like she can argue or negotiate a consequence, she'll be more likely to continue an undesired behavior and moreover, more likely to argue even more the next time around.

8. Do not talk about several issues at a time. Concentrate only on one thing, and try to sort it out rationally.

9. Encourage your teen to express herself in the future. Most teens hold their frustration in too long, and then do something drastic when it's too much.

10. Give your teenager the same respect that you would like, and try to refrain from name-calling or labeling with such words as, “spoiled brat.” Instead, keep the focus on the behavior that you would like to change.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Ignore any backtalk associated with the consequence. Don't get drawn into explaining or justifying your position. Also, don't punish your teenager again if he gives you backtalk when you enforce the consequence. Treat it as one incident.

12. Ignore mumblings. Sometimes teens complain. It's their way of saying they'll do it, but only because they have to, not because they want to. This is fine. A response isn't necessary, or even expected by the teenager.

13. Make sure that the rules of the house are very clear and specific. You may need to say to your teenager (at a time when you are both calm), “We have been fighting a lot lately, so we need to sit down and clarify what my/our expectations for your behavior are, and what the consequences will be for breaking the rules.”

14. Offer the teenager choices. Teens are less likely to argue if they feel they have a choice. Even if neither option is really attractive to them, they feel more empowered to be able to choose. So, give them choices whenever you can, but make it clear when no choice exists and you are not willing to negotiate, especially when it comes to matters of your teenager’s safety.

15. One common refrain from adolescents is, “You don’t understand!” Do not further frustrate your teenager by saying, “Yes, I do!” or “I went through exactly what you are going through now.” We all like to think of experiences as unique. Instead of asserting a "been there, done that" stance, help your teenager practice communicating without being rude by responding, “I may not understand, but I do want to try to understand what you are feeling. Can we talk about it later when we’re both calmer, or you can you write it down and send me an e mail, if you like?”

16. Realize that your teen is going through a difficult time. Teenagers have many stresses. Your child is maturing into an adult and is dealing with pressures from school, homework, friends, popularity, dating, after-school activities, individuality, hormones, etc. It's a heavy load for her to carry.

17. Remember that your teenager really does love you. She argues when she is angry and makes statements she doesn't mean because she is just learning to express herself and doesn't see many other ways, especially if she feels she is not being effective talking calmly.

18. Set up a certain time of day in which the teen can talk back to you. You can say to her, “From 6:00 to 6:15 p.m., you can ask me to re-explain all my decisions. Save it for then. If you need to, write it down in a note to yourself. Then at 6:00, we’ll sit down and I’ll explain to you why you can’t __________ (insert something they wanted to do, but you said ‘no’) or how come you got grounded for __________ (insert misbehavior). But at 6:15, our discussion is done. If you try to keep it going, there will be consequences.” In this way, if you feel like you want to give your teenager an outlet to vent her complaints, there’s a way to do it without getting sucked-in to perpetual arguing.

19. Tell the teenager what you need to tell him, and then leave. This will help the teenager appreciate that the mother or father has the last word.

20. Think about how you speak to your teenager and to others around you. How often are you sarcastic or rude? Is your teenager picking up on your tone and the way you treat others? Try to adjust your own behavior and remember that whether she knows it or not, you are your teenager's greatest influence in terms of nurturing the right kinds of behavior in her. Consider telling your teenager that you have noticed that you can be rude to others sometimes, and that you're going to try to modify your own behavior. Sometimes, moms and dads admitting that they too can make mistakes or have things that they need to work on, makes all the difference in terms of communication. Your teenager will feel less like she's under attack and more open to making adjustments of her own.

21. Treat first offenses like teaching opportunities. Firmly inform the teenager that the behavior is unacceptable. Then continue the discussion, never revisiting the issue that started the backtalk in the first place.

22. Try to break a pattern of interaction in which your teenager is constantly rude to you – and you in turn respond with frustration and/or punishment. Tell your teenager that you don't like the way your relationship has been lately, and that you would like to do something pleasant together. Let your teenager choose something that the two of you can do together, and make a pact that neither of you will be rude or critical. If one of you breaks the pact, end the activity, and try again another day. 

23. Use "I" statements to let your teenager know how his backtalk makes you feel. You might say, "When you speak in a disrespectful tone, I feel hurt and frustrated. "I" statements help us to stay calm and communicate clearly.  In addition, we are modeling positive communication skills to our teens. Many times, if we stay calm and let our teens know how we feel, they will calm down too. Backtalk is angry, impulsive behavior. When we calm down and give our teens a chance to think about what they have said, they will often feel truly remorseful.

24. When your teenager uses rude words to label you or someone else, ask her to be specific. Say, “When you call me _____, it is not only rude and will not be tolerated, but it also does not help me understand what you want. Tell me what you are upset about or what you would like to happen.”

25. Your teen learns that her parents can lose control and that by pushing the right buttons, she can get you to lose control. Understand that once you've started using yelling as a behavioral management tool, you’ve told your teen everything she needs to know about pushing your buttons.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Dealing with Parental Guilt: Tips for Parents with Defiant Teens

Guilt is a reality for those of us who are raising defiant teens. Balancing the tasks of raising kids, caring for our home, nurturing our relationship with our spouse, and earning money to pay the bills is just plain hard work.

To make matters even more difficult, our child is now a teenager who may be acting out (e.g., being disrespectful, verbally abusive, failing academically, violating curfew, etc.). Something has to give!

There’s just no way to do it all perfectly all the time – and so we don’t. We don’t fall short out of choice though, so we feel guilty. We are disappointed that our teenage son or daughter didn’t turn out the way we thought he or she would? We wonder how this child is going to function as an adult out in the “real world.” We feel like we should have been a better parent? And we have come to terms with the fact that our child is not the person we once knew. So what is a parent to do in light of all these circumstances?

Feeling guilty is a habit that will take time to break. If our guilt is excessive or debilitating, we may be reacting to memories of our own childhood, which may or may not have anything to do with what our teenagers need now.

Many of us feel that we are less than perfect in our parenting. The problem here is that we think that something is perfect. What would that be though? There is much written on what “model parenting” is, but there are many circumstances where this "model" does not make a difference, or is complicated by other “less than model” factors.

No mother or father remains calm and collected ALL the time. And no child ALWAYS behaves as a perfect little being. Thus, we need to accept that we are “less-than-perfect” parents. We must cut ourselves a little slack and demand less from ourselves – and our teens.

Recognizing what we “could have done” is not necessarily what was possible. When we think about what was possible (spending more time with our kids, not having worked so much, not going through with a divorce) we often forget that, at that time, there were other things going on that made that impossible. When recalling what was possible, our recall is usually faulty. For example, we have forgotten how intolerable it was to live with our spouse prior to that divorce, or how difficult it was to find a job that did not require moving to a new school district (which in turn angered our children).

When all demands of our child are met, he or she loses the importance of things and begins to take it as a matter of right. Who in this world gets all their demands met? Thus, we should help our son or daughter to develop frustration-tolerance and develop a “learn to earn” approach.

While being consumed with guilt, we forget an essential fact: we are not “all knowing.” Sure, we are probably better informed regarding “good parenting practices” than our grandparents where (perhaps). But, that doesn't mean we blame ourselves for not knowing everything.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

The Holidays and "Disneyland Parent" Syndrome

Will your children be spending a good portion of the holidays with your ex-spouse? If so, you may find yourself dealing with “Disneyland parent” syndrome…

What is “Disneyland parent” syndrome? One possible reaction of an ex-spouse with part-time custody is to spoil the kids, ignore family rules, and become the “fun” mother or father in an effort to alleviate guilt, win the kids over, or make the ex-spouse look bad.  
 
After divorce, it is common for one of the parents to feel guilty and think that her/she has to buy the youngster’s love and affection. In many cases, it is the nonresident parent who feels this burden so that his/her youngster will look forward to their time together.

Some Disneyland parents may only see their children on holidays, but when they do, they make up for lost time and may take their children on extravagant trips, ignore bedtimes, eat cupcakes for breakfast, or skip from one adventure to the next. When they are away from their kids, they may send expensive gifts that were not agreed upon by the other parent. Simply stated, these ex-spouses are focused on what their children want – and not so much on what they need.

While nonresident dads are often perceived as “the Disneyland parent,” nonresident moms are generally considered to be more involved in their kid's daily lives. However, research suggests that nonresident moms and dads exhibit a similar pattern of participation in activities with their absent kids, controlling for socio-demographic/family characteristics.

Most nonresident moms and dads either engage in only leisure activities with their kids – or have no contact at all. Only about 1/3 of Disneyland parents mention school among activities they participate in with their youngster. These findings indicate that nonresident “parent-child interaction patterns” may be the result of circumstances surrounding the nonresidential role rather than the gender of the ex-spouse.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Tips for ex-spouses in dealing with the “Disneyland parent” issue:

1. Be sure that you and your ex discuss a list of family rules that are enforced at both homes.

2. Don’t focus on material goods or having every holiday being an exciting vacation. Instead, listen to your children, understand their needs, and focus on spending quality time with them.

3. It is important for the nonresident parent to call as much as possible. This lets the youngster know that, even though you can’t be around every day, you are still there for them and they can talk to you any time of day.

4. If you are the nonresident parent, it will be natural for you to want to spoil your youngster if you haven’t seen him/her for an extended period of time. But it is important to remember your youngster still needs boundaries when he/she is with you. Setting boundaries will help your youngster respect you instead of seeing you as just a “buddy with money.”

5. Never complain about your ex-spouse’s issues with your kids or make your kids take sides.

6. If you are the resident parent, try giving your ex-spouse more responsibility during the kids’ visits (e.g., getting them haircuts, taking them clothes shopping, etc.).

7. Understand that your divorce was likely necessary and that your children will be happier IF you and your ex-spouse are happier apart.

8. Understand that your ex-spouse is probably displaying feelings of deep guilt about the divorce, as well as not being able to be with his/her children full-time. Have an open and honest conversation with your ex regarding the issue, and reassure your ex that he/she doesn’t have to bribe the children for love.

9. When the children return home after visiting the nonresident parent, have a one-hour “transition time” where the kids just go to their rooms and unwind, unpack and have a snack. They don’t have to talk about the visit, chores, homework, or anything else. They just relax and re-acclimate to their home-environment. After an hour or so, meet with the children to set-up some structure for the night (e.g., homework, chores, TV time, bedtime, etc.). Also set-up some structure for the week (e.g., getting up, getting to school on time, etc.). Structure helps kids feel safe and content.

10. You don’t have to buy your kids lavish gifts every time they come to visit in order for them to enjoy their time with you. The small things are often THE MOST important things (e.g., leaving a note in their lunch box, watching cartoons together, walking around the park, etc.).  It’s the small things that convey to your kids that you still care about them.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Avoiding Homework Battles with Teens

Most moms and dads find it difficult to tolerate an adolescent that they feel isn't trying. And unfortunately, often times the parents' attempt to motivate the teen actually backfires.

In other words, the teen still refuses to do homework, but now parent-child conflict enters the picture; her refusal to do homework is often an indirect way of expressing anger. So how can parents get their teenager to be responsible for homework - but at the same time - avoid a knock-down drag-out fight? 

Here are some tips for motivating your teen to do homework without the power struggles:

    1. After an elapsed time, encourage your adolescent to do something she enjoys. Having her do something in which she excels will help bolster the confidence she needs to try school challenges.

    2. Arrange for a peer study group. Encourage your teenager to form a study group of friends or neighborhood peers. Research shows that when teens study together, it can improve retention. It makes learning 'active' rather than 'passive' - and encourages communication. However, moms and dads should be aware of what is happening within the study group; study groups need to be monitored.

    3. Before trying any “remedies,” get a second opinion. If your adolescent's teachers feel she's doing pretty well (and if they have the test scores to prove it), it is worth listening.

    4. Bring their backpack to them. This may seem ridiculous to you, but it can work. Adolescents are lazy by nature. It can be all the more difficult to get them to work if what they need is downstairs - and they are comfortable on the couch upstairs. Sometimes, adolescents will forget about work, simply because it is not in sight.

    5. Consider whether your underachiever has hit a downward spiral because he's disorganized or just doesn't know how to cope with a busy schedule with several subjects to work on every night.

    6. Discuss consequences. If they are planning on going out with friends, don't nag them to get the homework done before hand, but let them know that if they fail any assignments, they will not hang with friends outside of school for a week. The same applies if they want to do something like go skateboarding or something like that. Allow them to go, but with conditions.

    7. Don’t argue or bargain. Teenagers will try to bargain their way out of homework. If they are able to get out of it once, they will keep trying. Let your teenager know that there is no room for negotiation. Don’t let procrastination turn into a bad habit.

    8. Find a homework tutor. Many moms and dads feel frustrated when they can’t help their teenager with homework. A helpful resource can be a tutoring center (e.g., Sylvan Learning Center).

    9. Help your teenager prioritize assignments. In high school, there are many long projects and papers rather than short worksheet assignments. This can be overwhelming, especially if your teenager procrastinates. To avoid this, help him prioritize assignments based on due date, length, and the percentage of the final grade.

    10. If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your teenager can focus and have more time to concentrate on his work.

    11. If you feel yourself getting reactive or frustrated, take a break from helping your teenager with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take 10 minutes to calm down, and let your teenager do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

    12. If your adolescent is simply being lazy, ask him to get up and do something that he will enjoy for a few minutes. Once he is off his butt, it might become much easier to get him to go and get his homework.

    13. If your school system provides an online grade book, take advantage of it. Check up regularly (at least twice a week), and notice when grades rise and fall, as well as missing assignments. Work with your adolescent to come up with plans to raise grades and do well on tests.

    14. Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.

    15. Make sure that homework is done in a public area of your house if your teen simply goes through the motions of completing homework, but in reality, is just goofing off.

    ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

    16. Instead of telling your teen to "go start your homework," bring him to the computer or his work space and sit down next to him. Don't give up and walk away. Just sit there next to him and violate his personal space until he opens the notebook or laptop and start the work. Watch to make sure that he really starts. Sometimes, it is a simple push that he needs. Once he is on a roll, you can walk away and let him continue.

    17. Monitor their computer history. If they are working on a computer, watch to make sure that they don't stray. You can also set parental controls and restrictions on their internet access.

    18. Progress may be exceedingly slow, but express pleasure in anything. An improvement from a C to a C+ is a good start. A few forays into grades of B- and above will prove to the underachiever that she is capable of better work, and nothing terrible will happen if she does it.

    19. Provide a good atmosphere for studying. It’s hard to study if someone is in the next room watching television. Set a good example and read a book of your own while your teenager is studying. The more you minimize distractions, the easier it will be for her to finish homework quickly and accurately.

    20. Relate assignments to the bigger picture. You’ve probably heard the questions: “Why do I have to do this?” or “When am I ever going to use this?” Explain how different assignments are applicable to real life and how they are used by people in various careers.

    21. To adolescents, the most important things are friends and hobbies. Homework is a byproduct of school, and nobody likes it. Undoubtedly, your adolescent will have peers that completely blow-off all of their work, and this can be a negative influence. Show them that they can be cool and have good grades, not one or the other. Do this by telling them stories about when you were a child, tests that you failed, and homework that you did not turn in. Don't make it seem like you are encouraging not turning in the work, but your adolescent will look at you differently when he knows that you were just like him at his age.

    22. Remember what worked in the past. Think about a time when your teenager has gotten homework done well and with no arguments. What was different? What made it work that time? Ask your teenager about it and believe what she says. See what works and motivates her.

    23. Responsible grown-ups were not necessarily responsible adolescents. Remember those days when you were going through the same thing? Allow your adolescent to learn from his failure, which is an excellent motivator. Just keep track of his progress to make sure that he does not fail too much.

    24. If your teen is an A+ procrastinator, you will want to see to it that homework is done at the same time each night.

    25. Since underachievers generally have low self-esteem, offering emotional support helps immensely. Show acceptance and affection for your teen, and make certain that she knows you love her no matter what her academic standing.

    26. Sometimes, one of the best ways to help an underachiever is to not get directly involved in homework. Find out how much time she should be spending on homework every night, and then require that that amount of time be invested. Make sure she touches base with you to show that she made an effort to do her work. Then check to see that the work makes it into the backpack, because doing the work - but not taking it to school - is another form of self-sabotage for the underachiever.

    27. Try to understand why your adolescent does not want to do homework. There are many reasons why adolescents may not want to do their work. Are they absorbed in some other task? Are they planning on going out with friends? Or maybe they're just obsessed with playing a video game. Whatever it is, knowing the cause is the best way to counter.

    28. Adolescents can feel loved "conditionally," which means that they only think you approve of them when they do a good job. This can lead to depression and bitterness. Thus, try to be as positive as possible. If your adolescent tells you that he failed a test, be understanding. It took a lot of courage for him to work up the nerve to tell you this, and the cooler you are with it, the more likely he is to come and talk with you on a regular basis.

    29. When you start over-focusing on your teenager’s homework, pause and think about your own goals. What are your life goals, and what “homework” do you need to get done in order to achieve those goals? Model your own persistence and perseverance to your teenager.

    30. When your adolescent simply dislikes the subject, confide in her that you will do it for her if she brings it out. Have her bring it to the couch where the two of you can sit together and work. Judge the scope of your adolescent's understanding, and then sort of trick her into doing the work herself. Tell her you have to use the restroom, and just walk away. Before you go, ask her to do two or more on her own.

    If none of the tips above help, consult a professional. Underachievement often has deep psychological roots, and if you're not making headway with your adolescent, you would be wise to contact someone who can help discover what's bothering her.


     

    ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
    By

    Aggressive Male Teens: Tips for Single Mothers

    Your teenage son is becoming more and more aggressive toward you. He is quickly developing the habit of getting in your face and yelling when he doesn’t get his way. He has even threatened to hurt you if you don’t let him do what he wants.

    To make matters worse, he is taller and stronger than you, and you’re a single mother who gets no protection from your son’s father since he is rarely – if ever – around to intervene. What is a single mom to do?!

    Aggressive male teens emotionally abuse their single mothers in an attempt to control them. Emotional abuse is considered domestic abuse, and it is just as harmful as physical abuse. Domestic abuse is defined as any instance when one family member begins to dominate the other member. Your aggressive son abuses you emotionally so he can get complete control over you – your thoughts, beliefs and concept of yourself – in order to be able to do what he wants, when he wants, and without any consequences.

    Emotional abuse is often the prelude to physical abuse or domestic violence. If your teenage son threatens you with physical harm, don't take this as an idle threat. He won't play fair in his efforts to get his way. Listen to other family members, coworkers and friends when they express concern for you. Learn about the cycle of violence (i.e., a cycle your son follows as he continues to bring you ever more under his control).

    Here are some tips for single moms who are dealing with a violent teenage son who can easily overpower his mother in the heat of the moment:

    1. Break the silence on this issue. You need to let others know about the abuse. Talk to a female friend whom you trust and let her know what's been going on. If you have a healthy relationship with your ex-husband or his parents, tell them about your son’s abusive behavior.

    2. Talk to a counselor. Make a plan for how you will communicate with this person. Ask him/her to only call you while your son is at school or out with friends – or to wait for you to call, since your son may become more abusive if he finds out you're talking to someone. Depending on your situation, the counselor may recommend a formal "intervention" involving friends, family members, and perhaps even your pastor. During this meeting, this group of individuals will back you up as you confront your son about his abusive behavior. Tell him that you are not going to allow him to abuse you anymore, and insist that he get counseling for his anger problem immediately.

    3. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE for information and referrals in every state, crisis intervention or safety planning.

    4. File a protective order. Go to the court clerk's office in your town to file a request for a restraining order, requiring your son to stay a certain distance away from you.

    5. If friends, relatives or co-workers tell you they suspect you're being abused by your own child, don't be afraid to admit it.

    6. Make an escape plan in the event your son becomes violent (e.g., pushes, smacks, hits, throws things at you, etc.). Leave as soon as you're able, and call the police. At the first sign of rage, leave the house and go a prearranged place where you will be safe. That could be a friend's home or your parents’ home. It's also a good idea to have some extra clothing and toiletries in the trunk of your car.

    7. Realize that you're involved in a very disrespectful relationship and your child is abusing you. Even though he hasn’t used his hands against you (YET!), his words and put-downs are just as damaging.

    8. Recognize you have the right to be safe in your daily life. If your teenage son threatens physical violence against you, start filing police reports so you create a paper trail and obtain a restraining order so law enforcement can help you. With a trusted friend, develop a safety plan so you can get away with as little disruption of your life as possible.

    9. Your self-esteem may become affected due to the emotional battering you've been subjected to. You loved, provided for, and raised this child – and now he is treating you like a junkyard dog. Locate a therapist so you can begin individual therapy and start the healing process. Look for a therapist or clinical social worker who specializes in working with victims of domestic abuse or violence.

    10. Your son is able to control his behaviors. When someone interrupted one of his abusive episodes (e.g., his father, a teacher, a police officer), he switched from being abusive to being calm and charming. Talk to your therapist about this ability and observe this switch so you can gain new insight about your son, especially if you can't bring yourself to kick him out of the house. 


     

    ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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    How to Give Your Teenager an Attitude Adjustment


    Once a youngster reaches adolescence, many moms and dads may think it is too late to help him or her change a negative attitude. This is not the case, and while it may take longer, it is possible to help your youngster develop a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude is essential to your child’s happiness and success. A negative attitude can result in him or her feeling unloved, frustrated and easily led.

    How to Give Your Teenager an Attitude Adjustment:

    1. Avoid harsh criticism, especially if it includes humiliation and mockery. Sometimes it will be necessary to provide “constructive criticism” to your adolescent, and as a mother or father, you are right to do it. However, if the criticism is harsh, this will have a negative effect on the adolescent's attitude. The way you word constructive criticism is important. Using "I" instead of "you" statements is a good way to communicate with your child. For example, "I would like you to clean-up your room" is better than "You never pick up after yourself." The result should be the same; however, the first statement is more an opinion, whereas the second is negative and insulting.

    2. Encourage your teen to do something good for herself. It could be going for a run, reading a book or seeing a movie with a friend.

    3. Encourage your teen to take up new hobbies or pursue new interests. This gives him the opportunity to do something by himself and encourages him to work toward achievements. The fact you trust him to be independent will make him feel positive. Doing something he enjoys will also increase his confidence, especially if he receives any official recognition. Activities based on cooperation or working together rather than competition is also a good way to build a positive attitude.

    4. Encourage your adolescent to display cards and gifts from friends. Re-reading cards or letters from good friends can remind her that plenty of people like her.

    5. Encourage your adolescent to write down his good qualities. He should include qualities that others like about him, too.

    ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

    6. Encourage your teenager to surprise someone else with a thoughtful gesture. She could take cookies to a new mother or an elderly neighbor. Delighting another person is always a good way to feel better about yourself.

    7. Evaluate your own attitude. A youngster's attitude is a learned behavior. Adolescents watch their moms and dads and how they react to certain experiences and events. Kids learn a good portion of their belief system from their moms and dads. Therefore, a parent's attitude and a loving home environment are important to help develop positive attitudes in adolescents.

    8. Give your teen a sincere compliment a few times each week – and don’t let her brush it off.

    9. Let children know they're nearing the disrespectful zone with some pre-arranged signal. This red flag gives them a clear warning that more-drastic action will follow if they don't stop what they're doing, and, in public, it also allows them to save face in front their friends, which makes them more likely to be compliant than if you had barked out a direct order.

    10. Let your adolescent select the chores for which he will be responsible. He should then pick something he doesn't mind doing and something that fits with his time schedule.

    11. Offer leniency. If she has finals, give her a week off from her chores. Keep in mind that today's adolescents are often as strapped for time as we are.

    12. Praise your child when he deserves it. Show him you appreciate him and recognize when he makes positive choices. Most adolescents will bask in their parent's praise, so be sure to give credit when credit is due. Your adolescent's attitude will be much more positive if you also show him respect as well as command it from him.

    13. Set up a natural reminder system – a chart or a note left on the kitchen counter for the adolescent. Unemotional memory jogs will help him succeed at his chores.

    14. If your youngster doesn’t respond to some of the more gentle methods, step-up your response. Spell out the consequences of breaking the rule beforehand, and make sure that you can – and do – follow through.

    15. Teach the chore. You may think an adolescent has watched you run a garbage disposal a thousand times, but some of them won't have paid any attention.

    16. Teach them how to do positive self-talk. This is the little voice in our heads which we use to communicate with ourselves. Positive self-talk will have a direct influence on how positive a person's attitude and actions are. Tell your adolescent instead of using negative statements, replace them with positive ones. For example, "I can do this right, I just need to concentrate" is much better than "I failed again, I never do anything right." If you promote positive self-talk you should notice a distinct change in the child’s attitude.

    17. Teach your adolescent to aim high, while showing her how to acknowledge her limitations. There is no problem having dreams and aspirations, as long as they are realistic. If your adolescent wants to achieve the impossible, this will only make her feel negatively when she fails to do it. Unrealistic expectations are one of the biggest causes of negative attitudes in our kids.

    18. Teach your adolescent how to laugh at himself. People who are too serious tend to find something negative in everything they do. Having a sense of humor will encourage positivity.

    19. Understand that your teen is going through a difficult period of physical and emotional changes. Be patient as you help her learn to respect grown-ups and avoid growing weary or irritated if she slips up. Instead of growing angry if your teenager is disrespectful, use the moment as an opportunity to teach her further. Talk about ways she can respond the next time the issue comes up and talk about why she responded the way that she did.

    20. Use the BAM method. BAM stands for (a) Build on strengths, (b) Awareness, and (c) Model:
    • Build On Strengths: In discussions with your teenagers, begin by building on the strengths that they have shown, the positive behaviors in which they have engaged, and how to improve the undesired behaviors.
    • Awareness: Talk with your teens at those times when they demonstrate behavior that is less then respectful. Showing them in the moment is most beneficial. 
    • Model: Show your teens how to respect by interacting respectfully with your spouse and with others.

    ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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