Daughter Ran Away and Moved In with 21-year-old Boyfriend

Hi Sad Mom,

Several points:

When she tells people she was kicked-out, she is attempting to garner their sympathy. I’m guessing she has done a great job of pulling this one over on you too. Do you feel guilty? Do you occasionally – or frequently – feel sorry for her? Do you “beat up on herself” sometimes because of the mother-daughter conflict? If so, then she has successfully manipulated your emotions. If she is like the other juveniles I work with, she is an expert manipulator. This doesn’t make her a “bad kid,” she’s just a good ‘con artist’ (which is a strength or a weakness depending on how she uses it).

You said that your daughter “acts like she could care less if she ever sees” you. The operative word here is “acts.” I’m sure she is “acting” like she doesn’t care. This too is a manipulation that apparently you have fallen for. She DOES care; she’s just attempting to push your “abandonment” buttons (i.e., she wants you to feel bad/rejected because she’s mad).

You SHOULD “distant yourself” from her. And she should distant herself from you. I’m talking about ‘healthy detachment’ here. This is O.K. This is a good thing, because she needs to separate in order to grow. I know this is painful for you at some level, but when she feels fully emancipated, she’ll be done with the business of trying to make you feel miserable. There is light at the end of this tunnel whether you see it or not.

I would let some time go by before you contact your daughter again (maybe a month). You really have only one job now, and that is to ‘check-in’ with her every month or two to say, “I was thinking about you …how are things going.” And it doesn’t matter how she responds. Let me repeat this: It doesn’t matter how she responds.

With occasional “check-ins,” you will be sending a clear verbal message that (a) you will not be manipulated into feeling sorry for her, (b) you will not allow her to push your guilt or anger or rejection buttons, and (c) you have not returned the disfavor by rejecting/abandoning her.

Hang in there …you are doing fine in spite of your opinion about the present circumstances.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> More help: MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Son Vandalizes Mother's Residence

"Last night my apartment was broken into and my car was stolen. I am sad to say that I think it was my 13-year-old son and some of his friends. My son has recently been directed to reside with his father. He is not happy with this decision and keeps running away. He is has been taken into custody a few times recently and in court he agrees to go to his fathers then runs. I was away working for a couple of days and came home to a broken kitchen window and remains of a party in the living area. My car keys and house keys have been taken. I woke up later last night someone was in the apartment when they realised I was there, they left quickly, and then I realised my car was no longer parked outside. I have reported it to the police...do you have any advice?"

Unfortunately, this is a very common experience for parents who have sent their child to live elsewhere, whether at another parent’s house, a relative, or placement in a facility. It’s not uncommon for the child to return home, especially when he knows the parent is away, to help himself to the comforts of his former abode.

Your home should be a safe haven where you are protected from the outside world – even when it’s your own son [who is not supposed to be on the property without your permission]. I know it feels like a shame to have to talk about protecting yourself from your son, but you do what you have to do. I’m going to provide you with some crucial tips below, and it will probably seem ridiculous that one should have to go to these lengths.

In any event, here are 8 things you can do to make your home a safer and more burglar resistant place to live:

1. Doors: Proper doors are an important part of burglar proofing a home. The most common door used in homes is the hinge door. All exterior hinge doors should be solid wood core construction or be metal clad. Never install a door meant for inside use on the outside of a home. These doors are usually hollow inside, or made of inferior materials and are not a proper deterrent to a break in.

Doors made of wood panels, or those with glass panes may be aesthetically appealing, but they are not as safe as solid doors because the panels or glass panes are easily broken.

If the hinges on your door are exposed, and they probably are, non-removable hinge pins should be used to prevent removal of the door. Drill two holes opposite each other in the center of both leaves of the hinge, then insert a headless screw or nail into the leaf on the door frame side. Allow the screw or nail to protrude 1/2". The screw will engage the other hinge leaf when the door is closed.

Sliding Glass doors can be a safety hazard because they are easy to lift off the tracks and remove. To make such a door safer, use track screws, installed in the upper track of the door. The frame or the door should just clear the heads of the screws making it impossible to lift the door up. This leaves the criminal only one option, breaking the glass, which takes time and makes noise and will usually deter the average burglar.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

2. The importance of proper locks: No matter what type of door is used, it will not be an effective deterrent to break-ins without a sturdy lock.

The lock on a door knob is simply a privacy device, not an effective lock. Sheriff’s Offices recommend a double-locking dead bolt on the door, one that uses a key on both sides. When someone is at home, the key should be kept either in the lock on the inside, or hanging somewhere nearby to ensure a quick escape in case of fire. Make sure the key does not hang near enough to a window or a pane of glass for a burglar to reach inside and get it.

The only time a double locking dead bolt is not recommended is if there is someone in the house incapable of unlocking it quickly in an emergency, such as a small child or handicapped person.

There are several other features a good dead bolt should have. Look for a one inch throw with a one eighth inch roller pin inside to prevent burglars from cutting through it. The lock should have a free turning cylinder guard around the key hole and one-quarter inch heat treated retaining bolts through the door to hold the lock on.

A 180 degree see-all viewer, commonly known as a peephole, is another safety device to include in a solid door. It will give a full view of anyone coming to the door, even if the person is standing to the side out of the normal line of sight.

3. Outside the home: It is very easy to let a home become overgrown with trees, vines and other plants. This may be a nice way to protect privacy. Unfortunately, this can also increase a home’s risk of burglary.

Allowing bushes and trees to grow on the borders of the property, or in front of windows will not only hide private activities from view, it will hide a burglar’s activities from view as well. Thieves can crouch behind these bushes and easily remove a window pane, gaining access to the inside of the home.

In addition, it makes it very difficult for sheriff’s deputies to check a home’s security while they are on routine patrol. Police officers are constantly driving through neighborhoods day and night and checking for anything unusual, such as signs of a break-in or strangers in the area. Allowing a home to become overgrown will not only provide a hiding place for thieves, but will create an obstruction to these deputies trying to check safety and security.

To make sure bushes and trees are properly trimmed, go out into the street during the day and look at the home as a burglar would. Are all the windows on the front and sides of the home visible? Would a burglar be able to hide from someone driving by the house? If you feel safe with the answer, your yard is properly trimmed.

4. Lighting: Another way to make it difficult for someone to break in your home, and easy for a patrolling officer to check on it, is to install adequate lighting in the yard as well as inside your home. A brightly lit yard at night is an undesirable yard for a stranger to enter if he is planning to break in. A well lit home interior will also discourage a burglar by making him or her think someone is at home.

A home owner can either install outside lighting, or call the local electric company for assistance. The City Electric System will install a street light on private property for a small fee of approximately $7 per month. The electric companies also provide free maintenance for such lights.

There are many types of yard lights to choose from. Traditional lights are mounted on the outside of a home, or on a pole in the yard. They are manually turned on and off, usually in the morning and the evening. These lights work well, except when a homeowner goes on vacation. Then, they must either be left on or left off either way, it makes it easy for a burglar to tell you aren’t home.

This is where timers for lights come in. It is relatively easy and inexpensive to buy timers for yard lights that will turn them on and off when you aren’t at home. The Sheriff’s Office highly recommends you have timers on your yard lights.

Another option in yard lighting is installing motion detector lights. Motion lights are yard lights that come on when their sensors detect body heat or motion nearby. This can be useful for several reasons: if you come home at night after dark, the lights will automatically come on when you approach; and, if a burglar enters what appears to be a dark yard, the lights will suddenly come on, scaring him or her away.
If you are an energy conscious person, most hardware stores market solar lights for the yard. Most of these lights will store enough energy during the day from the sun to stay lit for up to eight hours during the night.

In any case, lighting your yard is a must for a safe and secure home. Once you get lights installed, turn them on at night and go out to the street. If you can see most areas of your lawn, particularly around the home’s windows, you have a well lighted yard.

5. House numbers: Many people don’t realize how important it is to put visible house numbers on their homes. Posted addresses are not only used by the United States Post Office to deliver the mail, they are also crucial for law enforcement, fire department or ambulance personnel trying to locate a house in an emergency.

It is common to hear people give their official address as, for example, the second from the last house on a certain street. While this may sound quaint, it can make it extremely difficult for someone trying to locate the house in a hurry. If possible, obtain a numerical address for your house by going to the local branch of the United States Post Office and asking the postmaster to provide one.

To make it easy for the sheriff’s office, or other emergency personnel to respond in an emergency, put house numbers in a prominent and visible place. Having house numbers on a mailbox is important, but the mailbox is not always in a good spot for quick viewing.

When purchasing the numbers, make sure they are four to six inches high, and a contrasting color to the background color of the building.

Remember, post office personnel are not the only ones who need to find a house. For safety and security, make sure an ambulance, fire truck, or sheriff’s deputy can respond to the correct location quickly in an emergency.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Dogs as a deterrent: There are many things that can make a home structurally more secure against burglars. Alarm systems, secure windows, and top quality dead bolt locks are just a few relatively easy security devices that can be installed for added safety.

One of the most effective deterrents, however, really doesn’t have anything to do with the actual structure of a home. A dog will often scare away even the boldest of thieves. Not many burglars will risk being bitten by a dog and, best of all, a dog will let a home-owner know when strangers approach the house.

There are just a few precautions an owner must take if a dog becomes a part of home security. Make sure the dog is kept safely inside the yard. This can be accomplished by either a fence, or by chaining the dog.

In addition, post your property with a Beware of dog sign to let delivery people and meter readers know of the potential danger of entering the yard.

Dogs are not only a great way to keep a family secure, but they can be a wonderful addition to the family as well. And remember, a local animal shelter has many nice pets just waiting for a good home.

7. Burglar alarm systems: A well-installed, properly utilized electronic security system can result in peace of mind for a family while also making a home highly burglar resistant. It will not, however, make a home burglar proof.

Before buying a system check on the reputation of the manufacturer. It's a good idea to ask for a list of current or recent customers and contact them for their opinion of the company's product.

Find out if the system causes a substantial number of false alarms and make sure it has battery back-up power so it works during power outages. Criminals in general, and burglars in particular, often double their efforts during outages because they are less likely to get caught.

If possible, find out the education and experience of the company's installers. Ask if the company offers assistance in getting reduced insurance premiums, and if there is a warranty and maintenance contract for the system. A reputable company should provide both. Contact at least two or three companies and compare their systems and prices before deciding to purchase one.

8. Don't be an easy target: All the security information and equipment in the world will do no good if a homeowner does not follow several important safety rules:
  • Don't hide a key around your house. A burglar knows where to look, and may find the key no matter where it is hidden. As an alternative, consider giving an extra key to a trusted neighbor.
  • Don't put any personal identification on key rings. This way, if keys are lost or stolen, they cannot be traced to a residence. As an added precaution, if keys are lost or stolen, change the cylinders in the locks immediately.
  • Don't leave windows open when you are not at home, even if you are only leaving for a short while. An open window is an open invitation to a burglar to come in and help himself.
  • Don't leave valuables in the open. This is needless temptation to anyone casing the house for a burglary. It is easy to put valuables away in a drawer or cabinet.
  • Don't leave the doors unlocked or open, even if leaving for just a little while. Again, this is just asking to be burglarized.
  • Make sure all tools, and ladders are put away. Everything should be stored in a locked garage or tool shed. Tools can be worth a considerable amount of money and can be easily taken if not locked up.
  • Tools can also be used to facilitate entry by a burglar. A simple screwdriver or hammer can be used to pry open or break a window or a door. A ladder close at hand makes it easy for a burglar to climb to a second story window, on to a balcony or even the roof where it may be easier to break in.
  • At night, leave yard lights on. A light makes it difficult for someone to break in through doors or windows without being seen by neighbors or deputies patrolling the neighborhood.

What happens if, despite all your prevention efforts, you still become a victim of a burglary, or other property related crime?

First, try not to panic. Get to the nearest phone, and immediately call the Sheriff's Office emergency 911 line. It is important for you to remain calm so you can effectively communicate with both Sheriff's dispatchers and with Sheriff's deputies when they arrive.

If you come home to find your home has been vandalized or burglarized, do not go inside or disturb anything on the premises. If you went inside before realizing a crime had been committed, leave immediately and try to remember anything you may have touched or moved inside, and inform deputies of it when they arrive.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter’s boyfriend keeps sneaking in her bedroom at nights...

Question:

I am a “bitch” Mark ...can u tell me if I did anything wrong? …let me give u some background ...daughter’s boyfriend keeps sneaking in her bedroom at nights ...I told him not to, but he kept doing it, and one day they sneaked him into her bedroom and hid in the attic closet when I came home and they didn’t expect me.... the closest is right over my living room ...the ceiling didn’t hold my daughter's boyfriend's body weight and it destroyed my ceiling of my living room (cost over $100 to fix it). Well after everything that I told her he was not welcome onto my land anymore. I have warned her many times about him being on my land.

Well today I took her to school and then she asked me if I could pick her up after school ...and I said sure, and then she said that Justin (her b/f) was going to be here and could I give him a ride, and I said no. I wasn’t going to give her friends rides all over the place. Then she said fine I will walk home...

Well she came home about an hour after school with her b/f and he came on my land. I reminded her that he wasn’t welcome on my land and ask her to ask him to leave. Well she did and then he left and stood on the road ....about half hour later. I heard his voice outside my house on my porch. I asked my daughter again to leave and she had two minutes to get him off my land.

She said that she wanted him to come in and I said no again. She said "why not. Its cold outside.” I said ... “I already told u to get him off my land.” Well she started to yell at me. So I warned her to get him off my land. I stayed calm and collect so I didn’t take it out on her. She said well u have to respect that he is my b/f, and I told her that I do respect that but he has to leave. Then she yelled at me and called me a bitch.

Then I said to her. I’m gonna call 911 to have him removed if u don’t have him off in 30 seconds then I went to the door cause she wasn’t listening ...and told him to get off this land. He said to me “your funny” ...and walked away ...then she said to me ...u bitch …then I am leaving and am going to Justin’s and she left. And now I’m sitting here feeling guilty, hurt and sad about it all that has happened ...I don’t want her mad or hating me.


Answer:

I want to compliment you. This is a great example of (a) refusing to be manipulated, (b) stating a house rule, (c) stating the consequence for breaking the rule and being prepared to follow through with the consequence, and (d) keeping your cool through the whole thing.

Good job! Now your daughter knows you mean business.

Now let’s trouble shoot: You have a Romeo and Juliet phenomenon on your hands that will need to be diffused (if not, they will continue to work harder at sneaking their rendezvous behind your back).

Unfortunately, if your daughter wants to be with someone, she'll find a way -- no matter what you say or do. Parents can only guide their children in the right direction and hope for the best. If they do a good job, their daughters will make the right decision all on their own.

Since you will not be successful at keeping those two apart, you must adopt a philosophy of if you can’t beat ‘em - join ‘em. In other words, they should be able to see one another within limits, and you decide what those limits are. Maybe your limits will look something like this:
  • They can be together at your house only during those times that you are home and can monitor their behavior (if not, he has to leave)
  • Or you could schedule some activity for them in which you would be a distant chaperon (e.g., take them to a shopping plaza and tell them to meet you back at the coffee shop in exactly one hour)
  • Or your daughter is allowed to go over to her boyfriend’s house for a designated time period (if she violates the time limit, there is a consequence that is commensurate with the “crime”)

Dear Mother: You will not win this battle. Figure out a way for your daughter to see her boyfriend in a way that will keep her safe. This is the best you will be able to do.

About OnlineParentingCoach.com

Mark Hutten, M.A.                                                                    

Welcome to OnlineParentingCoach.com!  We have joined with Online Parent Support, LLC to create a single resource for children, parents, teachers, mental health professionals, and others who deal with the challenges of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD and other childhood disorders.

This site provides articles, conference information, educational resources, links to local/national/international support groups, lists of camps/schools, moderated support message boards, recommended reading, sources of professional help, and online parent-coaching.

We strongly believe that everyone faced with challenges associated with childhood disorders should have the right to - and deserve - support and understanding, inclusion, and appropriate education so they and their families can experience the greatest quality of life possible.

We have over 1,600 articles -- and we're adding more all the time. To locate an article, use the search bar at the top (type in your keywords, such as "sibling rivalry"), or scroll through the articles listed below.

Preventing Teen Depression: Tips for Parents

Adolescent depression can harm your youngster's relationships and academics, as well as increase the risk of substance abuse. Understand what you can do to help prevent adolescent depression. Adolescent depression is a serious health problem that can cause long-lasting physical and emotional problems.

Not all adolescent depression can be prevented, but there's good news. By promoting your youngster's physical and mental health, you can help him or her handle stressful situations that might trigger adolescent depression.

What causes adolescent depression?

There's no single cause of adolescent depression. Genetics and environment may play a role. In addition, some adolescents are more prone to depression than are others — including kids of depressed moms and dads, as well as kids who have anxiety or behavior problems. Adolescent girls may be more vulnerable to depression than adolescent males, because females are more likely to derive self-esteem from relationships. Some adolescents' relationships can be especially challenging due to early physical development that can make them look different and change the way peers treat them. Sometimes adolescent depression is triggered by a health problem, stress, or the loss of an important person in the adolescent's life.

How does depression affect an adolescent?

Adolescents dealing with depression are more likely to experience adolescent pregnancy, abuse drugs and alcohol, and perform poorly at school and at work than are other adolescents. Adolescent depression is linked to an increased risk of suicide and suicide attempts, as well as a recurrence of depression in adulthood.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How can moms and dads prevent adolescent depression?

You may be able to help prevent depression by promoting his or her physical and mental health. Research has shown the following steps can make a difference, including: 
  • Encouraging physical activity. A small number of studies show that physical activity — regardless of the level of intensity — may slightly reduce adolescent depression and anxiety. While further studies are needed, there's no doubt that physical activity can improve your youngster's overall health. The Department of Health and Human Services recommends adolescents get one hour or more of physical activity a day.
  • Praising your youngster's skills. A 2008 study showed that kids who struggled academically in core subjects in first grade were more likely to display negative self-perceptions and symptoms of depression in sixth grade. Meet with teachers to find out how your youngster is doing in school. If your youngster is having trouble in school, be sure to praise his or her other strengths — whether in music, athletics, relationships or other areas.
  • Promoting participation in organized activities. Research shows that playing team sports or taking part in other organized activities can help prevent adolescent depression by boosting a youngster's self-esteem and increasing his or her social support network. Encourage your youngster to get involved in extracurricular activities.
  • Providing parental support. In a 2008 study, researchers suggested that the link between low family income and childhood depression might be explained by exposure to stressful events such as divorce or separation or low levels of parental support. Higher levels of parental support seemed to offer protection from depressive symptoms. Remind your youngster that you care by listening, showing interest in his or her problems, and respecting his or her feelings.
  • Talking to your youngster. One of the early warning signs of adolescent depression is a sense of isolation. Set aside time each day to talk to your youngster. This step can be crucial in preventing further isolation, withdrawal and progressive depression.

What if my youngster is at risk of depression?

If you're concerned that your youngster will develop depression, consider taking extra preventive steps. Recent research has shown some protective benefits for kids of depressed moms and dads who participated in depression prevention programs involving cognitive behavioral therapy (a type of psychotherapy) or efforts aimed at enhancing their resiliency. Further study of depression prevention programs is needed, however. Consult a mental health professional about the options and what might work best for your youngster.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Control versus Guidance: Tips for Parents of Defiant Teens

Boundaries are the lines you can draw in the sand. The purpose of boundaries is to keep your son or daughter safe. They are not used to control your youngster into being a different person, to have a different attitude, to change their style of expression. Boundaries are for safety and guidance.

If you are reading this blog post and have a situation with a defiant teenager, then it is already likely you have fallen into the trap of exercising too much control over your teen to change who he or she is. Excessive control will always lead to excessive playing-out of the youngster trying to break free from it. PERIOD! This is a “lose-lose” situation. However, you must have boundaries set to protect your children, obviously.

This is how I drew the line in the sand with my own children: I would tell them that there are rules and there are cardinal sins. Not cardinal sins like from the bible, but cardinal sins from me. Cardinal sins are few, but absolute. Mine were:
  1. No drinking and driving
  2. No riding with a drinking driver
  3. No hard drugs
  4. No unsafe sex (obviously I did not want them having sex early, but realistically unless I could be with them 24 hours a day… ultimately I would not have that control, so the cardinal sin was for unsafe sex which is ultimately far worse)

And that was my Cardinal sin list. I could have made a thousand sins on that list, but then I would be leaning more towards control than guidance.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Cardinal sins were enforced by me saying this: “Children I love you, and I am your father. It’s my job to keep you safe. Rules are rules, and everyone makes a mistake once in a while breaking a rule. But Cardinal sins can never be broken. If you do, you will lose everything you have that I have given you. Cell phones, televisions, music, toys, hobbies -- everything is gone. It may be for a month, a year, it may be two years, or it may be forever. If you break a cardinal rule, your life as you know it today is over.”

I made sure I got this point across by telling them several times in their lives.

Use cardinal rules to set your boundaries. Everything else that you want to control about your teen’s life you need to evaluate whether it is because the thing is harmful to him or her, or just something that you do not like. If you have been overbearing with your control over your child's life, you have created a time bomb that will explode to the determent of both of you. The good news is that now you have a lot of low hanging fruit: releasing control, but keeping your boundaries. Your teenager will have a huge sigh of healthy relief – and so will you.

The parents’ job is not to change the personality of their child, as much as we are all driven to do so. Control will never change who they are. Being an example to them will always affect them. Empowering them to have self-control by being given more freedom, with naturally occurring consequences, will give them self-control. But overbearing parental control will not – ever!


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Encouraging Responsible Behavior in Defiant Teens

Adolescence can be a confusing time of change for teenagers and parents alike. But while these years can be difficult, there's plenty you can do to nurture your adolescent and encourage responsible behavior. Consider these parenting tips for defiant adolescents:

1. Minimize pressure— Don't pressure your adolescent to be like you were or wish you had been at his or her age. Give your adolescent some leeway when it comes to clothing and hairstyles. It's natural for adolescents to rebel and express themselves in ways that differ from their moms and dads. If your adolescent shows an interest in body art (e.g., tattoos and piercings), make sure he or she understands the health risks (e.g., skin infections, allergic reactions, hepatitis B and C, etc.). Also talk about potential permanence or scarring. As you allow your adolescent some degree of self-expression, remember that you can still maintain high expectations for your adolescent and the kind of person he or she will become.

2. Prioritize rules— While it's important to consistently enforce your rules, you can occasionally make exceptions when it comes to matters such as homework habits, TV watching and bedtime. Prioritizing rules will give you and your adolescent a chance to practice negotiating and compromising. Before negotiating with your adolescent, however, consider how far you're willing to bend. Don't negotiate when it comes to restrictions imposed for your adolescent's safety (e.g., substance abuse, sexual activity, reckless driving, etc.). Make sure your adolescent knows early on that you won't tolerate tobacco, alcohol or other drug use. 
 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. Set a positive example— Remember, adolescents learn how to behave by watching their moms and dads. Your actions generally speak louder than your words. Set a positive example and your adolescent will likely follow your lead.

4. Show your love— One of the most important parenting tips for adolescents involves positive attention. Spend time with your adolescent to remind him or her that you care. Listen to your adolescent when he or she talks, and respect your adolescent's feelings. Also, keep in mind that only reprimanding your adolescent and never giving him or her any justified praise can prove demoralizing. For every time you discipline your adolescent, aim to compliment him or her twice. If your adolescent doesn't seem interested in bonding, keep trying. Regularly eating meals together may be a good way to stay connected to your adolescent. Better yet, invite your adolescent to prepare the meal with you. You also might encourage your adolescent to talk to other supportive grown-ups (e.g., an uncle or older cousin) for guidance.

5. Encourage cyber safety— Get to know the technology your adolescent is using and the Websites he or she is visiting. If possible, keep the computer in a common area in your house. Remind your adolescent to practice these basic safety rules: 
  • Don't get together with someone you meet online.
  • Don't send anything in a message you wouldn't say face to face.
  • Don't share personal information online.
  • Don't text while driving.
  • Talk to a parent or trusted adult if an interaction or message makes you uncomfortable.

6. Set limits— To encourage your adolescent to behave well, identify what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behavior at home, at school and elsewhere. As you establish appropriate rules, explain to your adolescent the behavior you expect as well as the consequences for complying and disobeying. Consider these parenting tips for adolescents when setting limits:
  • Put rules in writing. Use this technique to counter a selective memory.
  • Be specific. Rather than telling your adolescent not to stay out late, set a specific curfew.
  • Be reasonable. Avoid setting rules your adolescent can't possibly follow. A chronically messy adolescent may not be able to maintain a spotless bedroom overnight. 
  • Be prepared to explain your decision. Your adolescent may be more likely to comply with a rule when he or she understands its purpose. 
  • Be flexible. As your adolescent demonstrates more responsibility, grant him or her more freedom. If your adolescent shows poor judgment, impose more restrictions. 
  • Be concise. Keep your rules short and to the point.
  • Avoid ultimatums. Your adolescent may view an ultimatum as condescending and interpret it as a challenge.

Not sure if you're setting reasonable limits? Talk to your adolescent, other moms and dads and your adolescent's doctor. Whenever possible, give your adolescent a say in establishing the rules he or she is expected to follow.

7. Enforce consequences— Enforcing consequences can be tough, but your adolescent needs you to be his or her parent, not a pal. Being too lenient may send the message that you don't take your adolescent's behavior seriously, while being too harsh can cause resentment. Consider these methods:
  • Scolding and disapproval. Make sure you reprimand your adolescent's behavior, not your adolescent. Avoid using a sarcastic, demeaning or disrespectful tone. Also, avoid reprimanding your adolescent in front of his or her friends.
  • Imposing additional restrictions. Take away a privilege or possession that's meaningful to your adolescent (e.g., computer time or a cell phone).
  • Imposing additional responsibilities. Assign your adolescent additional household tasks.
  • Asking your adolescent to suggest a consequence. Your adolescent may have an easier time accepting a consequence if he or she has played a role in deciding it.
  • Active ignoring. Tell your adolescent that you'll talk to him or her when the whining, sulking or yelling stops. Ignore your adolescent in the meantime.

Whatever disciplinary tactic you choose, relate the consequences to the broken rule and deliver them immediately. Limit punishments to a few hours or days to make them most effective. In addition, avoid punishing your adolescent when you're angry. Likewise, don't impose penalties you're not prepared to carry out. Also, punish only the guilty party – not other family members. And of course, never use physical harm to discipline your adolescent.
 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Your Teen’s First Cell Phone: Help Her Avoid the Risks of Texting

Text messaging can be a fun way for adolescents to communicate — but texting carries risks, too. To help your adolescent avoid texting problems, consider these important adolescent-texting tips.

How should I talk about texting with my teenager?

Your adolescent may be more digitally savvy than you are, but a lack of maturity can easily get him or her into trouble when using technology. That's why it's important to talk to your adolescent early about texting and proper use of cell phones. Before you start a conversation, get to know the technology firsthand, then ask your adolescent:
  • Has anyone ever taken an embarrassing picture of you without your permission? Have you ever taken an embarrassing picture of someone else? What did you do with it?
  • Has anyone you don't know ever sent you a text message? If so, what did you do about it? How did he or she get your number?
  • Have you ever communicated with someone you met online through your cell phone?
  • How many numbers do you have stored in your phone? Do you personally know all of these people?
  • What features do you use on your cell phone? Can you show me how to use them?
  • Who would you tell if someone sent you a text or picture that was inappropriate?

What are the risks of texting?

Texting can pose potentially serious physical and emotional risks. Talk to your adolescent about:
  • Cyberbullying - Cyberbullying refers to sending harassing texts, emails or instant messages, as well as posting intimidating or threatening Web sites or blogs. Receiving bullying text messages can make an adolescent feel unsafe and lead to school absences. Discuss cyberbullying with your adolescent. Encourage your adolescent to talk to you or another trusted adult if he or she receives harassing text messages and to consider options such as rejecting texts from unknown numbers. Explain to your adolescent that it isn't appropriate to send harassing text messages to others.
  • Disrupted sleep - Many adolescents send and receive text messages after turning out their lights and going to bed, which can interfere with a good night's sleep. Even moderate nighttime texting can greatly increase the risk of long-term fatigue. Consider keeping your adolescent's cell phone out of his or her room at night.
  • Sexting - Sexting refers to sending a text message with sexually explicit content or a sexually explicit picture. This type of texting can cause emotional pain for the person in the picture, as well as the sender and receiver. Explain to your adolescent that text messages shouldn't contain pictures of people without their clothes on or kissing or touching each other. Make sure your adolescent understands that sending this type of text message is considered a crime in some areas and that the consequences could involve the police and suspension from school.
  • Texting while driving - Research suggests that distractions such as texting may be an even greater threat to adolescents than to other drivers. Peer influence also may play a role. The more passengers in the car, the more likely young drivers are to use cell phones while driving. Talk to your adolescent about the consequences of texting while driving. Monitor your adolescent's driving behavior, and set clear rules and consequences — such as revoking driving privileges if your adolescent texts while driving.

How do I set appropriate limits on my adolescent's use of text messages?

Start by talking to your adolescent about how much he or she texts. You can also review cell phone records to see if your adolescent is sending or receiving late-night texts. Working together, set an appropriate limit for your adolescent's use of the technology. You might also have your adolescent pay for the cost of his or her texts with allowance money or by performing chores or working at a part-time job. Explain to your adolescent any exceptions, such as texting with you or other family members and texting during emergency situations.

Also, let your adolescent know that you'll periodically check his or her phone for inappropriate content. The older your adolescent is, the more often you may need to check. You may also be able to use software to monitor your adolescent's text and picture messages. If your adolescent isn't willing to follow the rules and expectations you've set, consider removing your adolescent's ability to text or send pictures through his or her phone.

Pay attention to warning signs that your adolescent may be spending too much time texting, including:
  • A drop in grades or other academic problems
  • Skipping activities, meals or homework to text
  • Weight loss or gain

What else can I do to help my adolescent text safely?

Understand the types of security settings that are available on your adolescent's cell phone and use them appropriately. In addition, remind your adolescent that any text message he or she sends can be shared with the entire world, so it's important to use good judgment. Discourage your adolescent from gossiping, spreading rumors, bullying or damaging someone's reputation through text messages — and have an honest discussion about the consequences of poor judgment.

Texting can carry risks for your son or daughter. Monitoring your adolescent's texting habits and setting appropriate limits can help prevent problems down the road.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Talking To Your Adolescent About S e x

Sex education is offered in many schools, but don't count on classroom instruction alone. Sex education needs to happen at home, too. Sex is a staple of news, entertainment and advertising. It's often hard to avoid this ever-present topic. But when moms and dads and adolescents need to talk, it's not always so easy. If you wait for the perfect moment, you might miss the best opportunities. Instead, think of sex education as an ongoing conversation.

Here are some ideas to help you get started — and keep the discussion going:
  • Be direct. Clearly state your feelings about specific issues (e.g., oral sex, intercourse). Present the risks objectively, including emotional pain, sexually transmitted infections, and unplanned pregnancy. Explain that oral sex isn't a risk-free alternative to intercourse.
  • Be honest. If you're uncomfortable, say so — but explain that it's important to keep talking. If you don't know how to answer your adolescent's questions, offer to find the answers or look them up together.
  • Consider your adolescent's point of view. Don't lecture your adolescent or rely on scare tactics to discourage sexual activity. Instead, listen carefully. Understand your adolescent's pressures, challenges and concerns.
  • Invite more discussion. Let your adolescent know that it's OK to talk with you about sex whenever he or she has questions or concerns. Reward questions by saying, "I'm glad you came to me." 
  • Move beyond the facts. Your adolescent needs accurate information about sex — but it's just as important to talk about feelings, attitudes and values. Examine questions of ethics and responsibility in the context of your personal or religious beliefs.
  • Seize the moment. When a TV program or music video raises issues about responsible sexual behavior, use it as a springboard for discussion. Remember that everyday moments (e.g., riding in the car, putting away groceries, etc.) sometime offer the best opportunities to talk.

Sex education for adolescents includes abstinence, date rape, homosexuality and other tough topics.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 

Be prepared for questions like these:  
  • What if my boyfriend or girlfriend wants to have sex, but I don't? Explain that no one should have sex out of a sense of obligation or fear. Any form of forced sex is rape, whether the perpetrator is a stranger or someone your adolescent has been dating. Impress upon your adolescent that “no” always means “no.” Emphasize that alcohol and drugs impair judgment and reduce inhibitions, leading to situations in which date rape is more likely to occur.
  • What if I think I'm gay? Many adolescents wonder at some point whether they're gay or bisexual. Help your adolescent understand that he or she is just beginning to explore sexual attraction. These feelings may change as time goes on. Above all, however, let your adolescent know that you love him or her unconditionally. Praise your adolescent for sharing his or her feelings.
  • How will I know I'm ready for sex? Various factors (e.g., peer pressure, curiosity, loneliness, etc.) steer some teens into early sexual activity. But there's no rush. Remind your adolescent that it's OK to wait. Sex is an adult behavior. In the meantime, there are many other ways to express affection (e.g., intimate talks, long walks, holding hands, listening to music, dancing, kissing, touching and hugging, etc.).

If your adolescent becomes sexually active — whether you think he or she is ready or not — it may be more important than ever to keep the conversation going. State your feelings openly and honestly. Remind your adolescent that you expect him or her to take sex - and the associated responsibilities - seriously.

Stress the importance of safe sex, and make sure your adolescent understands how to get and use contraception. You might talk about keeping a sexual relationship exclusive, not only as a matter of trust and respect, but also to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Also, set and enforce reasonable boundaries (e.g., curfews, rules about visits from friends of the opposite sex, etc.).

Your adolescent's doctor can help, too. A routine checkup can give your adolescent the opportunity to address sexual activity and other behaviors in a supportive, confidential atmosphere — as well as learn about contraception and safe sex. For girls, the doctor may also stress the importance of routine human papillomavirus vaccination (HPV) to help prevent genital warts and cervical cancer.

With your support, your adolescent can emerge into a sexually responsible grown-up. Be honest and speak from the heart. If your adolescent doesn't seem interested in what you have to say about sex, say it anyway! He or she is probably listening.

Sex education basics may be covered in health class, but your adolescent might not hear — or understand — everything he or she needs to know to make tough choices about sex. That's where you as the parent come in. Awkward as it may be, sex education is a parent's responsibility. By reinforcing and supplementing what your adolescent learns in school, you can set the stage for a lifetime of healthy sexuality.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Effective Parenting Strategies for Troubled Teens

There’s probably a good reason you’ve found us. You’re here because you want to change your defiant teenager’s behavior, and you want to learn some real parenting strategies that work.

OnlineParentingCoach.com has been giving our website visitors real results since 2006. Here you will find articles with crucial parenting techniques you can use to help turn your teenager’s behavior around – immediately.  So, if you’re looking for professional advice that works, you’ve come to the right place.

Our website is a single resource for children, parents, teachers, mental health professionals, and others who deal with the challenges of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD and other childhood disorders. We provide articles, conference information, educational resources, links to local/national/international support groups, lists of camps/schools, moderated support message boards, recommended reading, sources of professional help, and online parent-coaching.

We strongly believe that everyone faced with challenges associated with childhood disorders should have the right to - and deserve - support and understanding, inclusion, and appropriate education so they and their families can experience the greatest quality of life possible.

If your child or teenager is experiencing a behavioral problem that you need assistance with, feel free to contact Mark Hutten, M.A. [mbhutten@gmail.com]. You will get a response within 24 hours.

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support, LLC
2328 N. 200 E.
Anderson, Indiana
46012

Cell: 765.810.3319 (available between 9:00 AM & 5:00 PM Eastern Time)
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

Teens and Texting Addiction

Many teens seem to be slaves to technology these days. They have their cell phones, iPads, iPods, laptops, etc. It's gotten so bad that, for some teens, it's an addiction in the fullest sense of the term. Everywhere you look, there's a cell phone and thumbs are texting.

Anything that a teen can become obsessed with, and she does so much that she doesn't do the things she needs to do with family, school, work, etc. – that’s an addiction (FYI: adolescent females lead the charge).

A full 75% of adolescents own cell phones, and a third of those text more than 100 times a day. About 11% say they send over 200 messages every day. Approximately 4% say they have sent a "nude" or nearly nude image of themselves to someone via text, while 15% say they have received such an image of someone else via text.

With excessive texting come a number of problems (e.g., poor dietary habits, isolation from family, sleep deprivation, poor academic performance, etc.). Adolescent forms of communication (e.g., texting, talking on cell phones) make teenagers less communicative (at least with the people they live with). However, in today's world, forbidding all use of cell phones is not only unrealistic, but hurtful. Staying connected with their peers is very important to adolescents.

One of the biggest problems that many parents seem to have with adolescents who text constantly is the lack of boundaries as to what is appropriate and what is not. Adolescents find themselves being able to send messages that they would never dare to verbalize in the real world. This creates a false sense of security, and coupled with most adolescents already inherent lack of realization for consequences can make the entire situation very dangerous. Thus, it is crucial that parents help their teenager determine appropriate boundaries for his or her texting.

How to set boundaries for your texting-addicted teenager:

1. Bullying texts: Help your adolescent understand some of the problems associated with this technology. Despite their increased maturity-level, most adolescents still lack a certain amount of empathy. Help you adolescent understand that reputation damaging and bullying texts are harmful. Many adolescents mistake the anonymity of texting as the freedom to be able to say whatever they want. Let your teen know that once it is out there, there is no way to pull it back in. And it all can be traced back to him or her if someone needed to find out where the hurtful text came from.

2. Cell phone checks: Let your adolescent know that you will be checking his cell phone periodically. This simple fact may serve as a deterrent for bad cell phone behavior. Since most moms and dads pay for their teen’s cell phone, they have the right to check what kind of text is being sent. Your adolescent needs to understand that you reserve the right to confiscate it at any time to check the text log.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. Restricted possession: Don’t let your teenager have her cell phone on her at all times (e.g., “If we go out to eat, you have to leave the phone at home”). Don’t over-explain your reasons, simply say, “You are a member of the family, so you need to participate during the times we’re together”). Some moms and dads request that their adolescent’s cell phone be given to them during meal time, homework time, and bed time (which prevents all-night texting). Research shows that adolescents who don’t have 24/7 access to their cell phones are much more likely to send appropriate texts.

4. Passing the bill: Require your teen to pay her own cell phone bills if it gets to the point where you need to limit how many minutes she spends talking and texting. This has a way of reducing a teen’s cell phone addiction.

5. Relaxing standards: As a parent, understand that what you believe to be “too much” texting may not actually be “too much” by today’s standards. If your son or daughter is doing chores, functioning well at school, fairly well-behaved, and not completely isolated from family life, it's probably O.K. to relax your expectations around the amount of time he or she spends texting.

6. Sexting: Most parents are uncomfortable discussing anything involving sexual content with their adolescent. Now is not the time to be prudish. Texting with sexual content (i.e., “sexting”) has become a serious issue. Parents should clearly spell out for their adolescent that they will not condone this behavior. Whether the teen is the instigator of a sexual message or simply passing it on, he is equally guilty. Help your adolescent have a clear understanding of the consequences for this misuse of the cell phone (e.g., losing cell phone privileges, legal actions if a sexting message or picture is traced back to him, etc.).

7. Time limits: Make a rule regarding when texting can be done. If your adolescent is texting through dinner, while trying to do homework, or seems unable to separate herself from her cell phone, it is a good idea to set some time limits on texting. Have times in your family when there is no texting allowed (e.g., from 5 p.m. - 6 p.m. for dinner, from 7:00 p.m. – 7:45 p.m. for homework, and again from 10:00 p.m. – 8:00 a.m. for bed time).

If you implement the ideas listed above for a period of time, but are still concerned about the amount of time that texting is taking up in your adolescent’s life, contact the phone company for a detailed record.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Discipline for Vulgar Language in Teenagers

“My main problem is my son’s vulgar language. He is constantly using foul language on a daily basis usually with no rhyme or reason. He just yells out a long string of bad language for no reason. He is also very open about sex. He talks about it a lot and constantly makes ‘sexual noises’.”

Adolescents equate swearing to a rite of passage. As moms and dads, we can help them learn healthier ways of expressing and developing maturity. The first step to cleaning up adolescent talk is listening to your adolescent. When you ascertain in what scenarios and environments he typically swears, you can help him find alternatives to express himself.

Does your son try to project confidence or superiority when he swears? Does he demonstrate anguish, disgust or disdain in himself or peers with cursing? Do you hear your son causally and subconsciously dropping profanities intermittently throughout casual conversations? Knowing the prime times your son swears will help you choose a course of action to clean up the cursing.

Adolescents frequently opt for strong language as the result of peer pressure. When one mother asked her 16-year-old son, James, why he selects such strong language to convey his point of view, she was astonished by his straightforward answer: “I talk just like all my friends. We don’t mean anything and it’s not like adults don’t say those things” was James' enlightening response.

Although it may appear cavalier, James' explanation is familiarly synonymous with the beliefs of his peers. Realizing that her son and his friends were trying to out-do each other in a ritual game of whose language packs the most shock value, this mother decided she wanted to break her son’s habit of vulgarity. She stated, “We talked about better ways he could grab his friend’s and acquaintance’s attention. I tried to impress that acting older didn’t automatically mean someone would believe he’s mature.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Many parents, like the mother described above, find explaining that swearing is not an impressive trait or something that is respected and admired provides clarity. When adolescents realize that vulgarity or excessive slang has an affect that is ironically opposite than their desired perception of maturity, they are less inclined to taint their vocabulary with swearing. Helping your adolescent find an intelligent means to express himself, and thus demonstrate true maturity, will both curb swearing and help him achieve his desired goal.

Also, moms and dads need to model the language they expect their adolescents to use. Reinforcing positive expressions of various emotions lets adolescents know there’s another way to get the same thing. Of course, we’re all human and can possibly accidentally or occasionally let a slang word slip. The frustration of stalled traffic or of dropping a heavy can on top of your foot can cause the most restrained person to use an inappropriate word.

Acknowledging that you’re aware you made a regrettable word choice helps your adolescent respect the lessons you’re aiming to instill. Demonstrating your remorse for using a curse word offers your adolescent a glimpse into your humanistic persona.

Additionally, helping your adolescent realize there are consequences to all of his actions – including swearing – provides another deterrent. If your adolescent has to pay a predetermined ‘fee’ or ‘toll’ for every profanity used, he may think twice about spending his hard earned allowance on curse words.

A curse word cookie jar worked miraculously for one mother’s son: “After a few weeks of paying for his language, he decided to give up swearing. It was just too expensive,” the mother happily proclaimed.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Brother and Sister Hate One Another: Parenting Tips for Sibling Rivalry

Question:

“I have a 14 year our daughter who is a basket of nerves. My son and she HATE each other. He knows exactly how to push her buttons and she gets so upset she usually just explodes in anger followed by tears. When she is upset there is no reasoning with her until she calms down. I can almost see the ‘excitement’ in my son’s eyes when he makes her cry. She is so vulnerable right now. He knows she is very aware of her figure and looks, so he is constantly calling her fat (although she is not fat at all). She then comes back at him with retard and why don’t we ‘send him away’. I fear what this is doing to her self-esteem and emotional needs.”


Answer:

Fighting among siblings is really a problem now with the kids being off school for this extended period of time due to the coronavirus issue. Moms of adolescents may be troubled by the amount of fighting, both verbal and physical, that is going on. This is a common problem in homes with teens, and one many moms find particularly difficult and upsetting. One mother said, "They are constantly bickering and yelling. There's no peace in the house anymore. They won't listen to me, and nothing I do seems to have any effect on them. Why do they hate each other so?"

If parents experience these kinds of problems and concerns, it may help if they try to gain a better understanding of sibling battles and then develop a plan for dealing with them in their home. In this society, people have the expectation that they will love and get along well with everyone in their family. They always expect to feel positive toward their parents, brothers, sisters, spouses and children. Most people, however, have at least some times when they don't feel very loving toward each other.

Relationships within a family are close, both emotionally and physically, and very intense. When the television show parents have been looking forward to is being drowned out by the cheerleading practice in the basement, or when the turkey leg they were saving for a snack is missing from the refrigerator, or when their spouse is gleefully telling a crowd of friends how they dented the car fender, they are not likely to feel loving. Because they are so close, family members have a greater power than anyone else to make other members feel angry, sad, confused -- and loving. This is just as true for kids and teens as it is for grown-ups.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Most siblings have probably been good friends - and good enemies - as they have grown. Having a sibling provides an opportunity to learn to get along with others. Especially when siblings are younger, they may fight bitterly, but they will probably be playing together again an hour later. For example, a youngster will say something hateful to a sibling, knowing full well they will still be siblings and friends when the fight is over. If the same thing was said to a playmate outside the family, that playmate might take his or her marbles and go home for good. Thus, kids learn from relationships with siblings just how certain words or actions will affect another person without the fear of losing the person's friendship.

Siblings fight for a number of reasons:
  • They fight because they are growing up in a competitive society that teaches them that to win is to be better: "I saw it first." "I beat you to the water."
  • They fight because they are jealous: "He got a new bike. I didn't. They must love him more than they love me." 
  • They fight because they want a parent's attention, and the parent has only so much time, attention and patience to give. 
  • They fight over ordinary teasing, which is a way of testing the effects of behavior and words on another person: "He called me a _____" … "But she called me a _____ first."

Kids need not weeks or months, but years to learn some of the socially approved ways to behave in relationships. Lessons about jealousy, competition, sharing and kindness are difficult to learn, and, indeed, some grown-ups still haven't learned them. Teens fight for the same reasons younger kids fight. But teens are bigger, louder and better equipped physically and intellectually to hurt - and be hurt - by words and actions.

From a mother's point of view, they "ought" to be old enough to stop that kind of behavior. What moms may forget is that teens are under pressure from many different directions. Physical and emotional changes - and changes in thinking - cause pressures, as do changing relationships with parents and peers. 

Adolescents may be concerned about real or imagined problems. They feel pressure about the future as adults and about learning to be an adult. In many ways, adolescents are in greater need than ever for parental love, attention and concern, and for a belief that they are as good as their siblings. A teenager may not recognize these needs, or may be too embarrassed to express them verbally, so fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention may actually increase in adolescence. In truth, siblings don't really hate each other, at least not all the time. As kids mature and learn to control their energies and anxieties, chances are they will be good friends.

Moms and dads can recognize the reasons for the fighting and make up their minds that they will not tolerate it. It's not easy to stick to that resolution! However, many parents have found that sticking to that resolution is the most important factor in bringing peace to their home. Parents should tell their teens that while it's normal to have disagreements, the constant fighting upsets them and they value peace at home. They can say they will no longer be the judge and jury over the siblings' disputes, and they will not stand for it! Then, they must stand by the resolution.

One mom reported that every time a fight started, she would say to her teens, "You're fighting. I'm leaving." And then she would go out to work in the yard or take a drive or run an errand -- but she simply walked away from the fighting. Another mom used a similar tactic. When the fighting began, she said, "Call me when it's over." Then she went to her bedroom, slamming the door to emphasize her point. Another parent made his teenagers leave the house when they began fighting.

In each of these cases, the parents demonstrated that fighting would not get their attention and they would not get involved in the fight. Other parents have had success in imposing penalties for fighting (e.g., fines deducted from allowances, a certain amount of grounding for each fighter, etc.). These parents are showing their teenagers the cost of fighting is higher than the reward. Whatever tactic moms and dads use, if they are consistent and stick to their guns, they will almost certainly be successful in reducing the amount of fighting between their kids.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Living with fighting siblings is not pleasant. If parents can remain calm in the face of battling adolescents, if they can retain their sense of humor, and if they put up a determined and united front, they will find the war in their living room will end before long.

As a parent, do you:
  • Avoid initiating competition among your kids?
  • Make sure older kids are not usually forced to give in to younger ones because "he's little" or "she doesn't know better?" 
  • Believe there can be something good in sibling fighting? 
  • Make sure your teens realize they are each unique and have a special set of strengths? 
  • Praise your teenagers for being who they are, not just for what they can do? 
  • Realize teens and younger kids need to be given the right to decide not to share at least some of the time? 
  • Recognize that each youngster is different? 
  • Set aside some time to be alone with each youngster? 
  • Talk to your teens about their fighting?

Here’s some more tips:
  1. Be available to listen patiently to the problem and control your emotions. Typically, parents have more insight into solving a problem, so give your child positive suggestions she can use to work the problem out with her sibling.
  2. Don't intervene, but do give some guidance.
  3. Don't take sides -- remain neutral.
  4. Encourage adolescents to work out issues constructively.
  5. Do not allow aggressive behavior (e.g., hitting, pushing, etc.).
  6. Express to each of your kids that you care for each of them as individuals and love them unconditionally.
  7. Give them the opportunity to work out their problems on their own.
  8. Help enforce the rules by outlining consequences when rules are broken. 
  9. Help them recognize each other's individuality. 
  10. Insist that they try to cooperate first. 
  11. Overcome your own competitive nature. 
  12. Share an interest in their activities. 
  13. Spend time with them individually. 
  14. Teach your kids good communication techniques, problem solving skills, and the importance of compromise.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Coping with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Teens: Self-Preservation Skills for Parents

Is your teenager acting-out in difficult ways? Are you at your wit's end?!

Parenting strong-willed, out-of-control adolescents is tough work. It takes creativity, determination, and patience! It's an extremely difficult phase to go through, but you’re not alone. For too many moms and dads, major conflict is an everyday occurrence.

When this is the case, the teen usually has a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or at the very least exhibits many ODD traits. Parents can either choose to continue "business as usual" (which will only enrage and distance their teen further), or they can learn how to deal constructively with strong-willed behavior. Here’s how…

How to cope with strong-willed, out-of-control teens:

1. Often times, your best resource is silence (it really is golden in cases such as this). Strong-willed teens do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). When your teen tries to push your buttons – shut your mouth and go about your business.

2. Avoid picking up strong-willed traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of your out-of-control teen’s behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying.

3. Detach from the situation as much as possible. Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words and reacting with extreme emotions (screaming, crying, etc.) will only influence your teen to be even more stubborn and defiant.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Don’t “call out” your stubborn teen. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with him or her. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, your teen will likely just become more oppositional. Recognize that you can't handle this like you would any other personal conflict – it's a unique circumstance.

5. For the parent who has another adult in the house (e.g., spouse, partner, other family member), avoid getting cornered. When possible, avoid one-on-one arguments with your strong-willed teen. In other words, when he is pissed and you see him coming to corner you, demand that another adult (or adults) be brought in. This will sometimes thwart your teen’s plans to berate you. Bullies rarely stand up to a crowd.

6. When tempers flare, forget about trying to engage your strong-willed teen in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least not with you. Remember what happened in the course of the last 100 times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with your teen. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

7. Always remember that anything you say or do while angry will be used against you – over and over again. Strong-willed teens tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. A year from now, you could be hearing about the angry response you had today. Strong-willed, out-of-control teens will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

8. If your teen’s verbal attacks have little basis in raw fact, try to simply dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as she would like you to believe you are. However, don’t defend yourself out loud. It will only provoke her into another outburst and increase her manipulative behavior.

9. If your teenager is getting on your last nerve, take a time-out. Remember, he just wants to get a rise out of you. So show your teen that he has no effect. Count to 10 silently if you need to, and then state your views with confidence. Look your teen in the eye. If he is still being unreasonable and stubborn, then just ignore him. He will eventually back down when he notices that his attempts at “button-pushing” are failing.

10. Sometimes the healthiest way to deal with a strong-willed teen is to remove her from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to verbal abuse. Simply leave the room. Remember that you can’t "fix" this teenager. Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference when possible.

11. Prepare for the fact that your teen will probably blame YOU for being “strong-willed.” You are going to be accused of much – or all – of this behavior yourself. If your teen gets a look at this article, to him it will look like an article about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that your teen’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.

12. Prepare to set some serious boundaries. Understand that eventually, you may have to create a separation between yourself and your strong-willed teen. Maintaining a relationship with a chronically abusive teenager is, literally, impossible. When enough is enough, he may just have to go live with his dad, or get a job and find an apartment (if he is older).

13. Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with a teenager who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-esteem. Focus on the people who validate you. Also, realize that your strong-willed teen is hurting you on purpose to improve her own self-esteem.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

14. Recognize that you will never convince your strong-willed teen that he has any responsibility for the parent-child conflict between the two of you. He doesn’t recognize (or if he did, wouldn't try to improve) his flaws for a very logical reason: He doesn't have any flaws (in his mind)! Understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time. But as time goes on, you'll get better at coping with this teen’s behavioral issues.

15. Avoid getting defensive. Understand that you can’t “beat” a strong-willed, out-of-control teenager. She is called “strong-willed” for a reason. In her mind, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can do or say is going to make her consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty – no matter what!

16. Understand that it's not you – it's your teen. If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. This mindset can be surprisingly difficult, considering that the strong-willed teen has complete mastery of shifting the blame. Remember, strong-willed teens "can do no wrong." Chances are, the more often your teen blames you, the more he himself is actually at fault. However, keep in mind that this should NOT to be used as a way to blame your teen. Blaming is what strong-willed teens do – and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts (for your own sake).

Raising strong-willed, out-of-control teens is tricky business. It’s important for them to have enough freedom to make their own mistakes, but they still need plenty of guidance to help them learn from those mistakes. Provide your oppositional teen with clear and consistent boundaries that will focus on teaching peace and levelheadedness – not resentment and retaliation. Lead by example!


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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