Ryan has always been different...

Hi A. …I’ve responded below. Look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I just found your website and ordered your e-materials and have just read some of your great stuff. It makes sense. We have struggled with my oldest who is now 15 ...almost 16 his entire life! We have 3 children. We both work full time. I own my own business and work from home but travel often. I would guess that all 5 of us are ADD ...so structure and consistency have always been and continues to be a real struggle.

We both grew up with nothing and have very obviously been the over indulging parents.

As I read this I feel good that we have done some things right. We try (despite incredibly busy schedules) to have dinner as a family of 5 at LEAST 5-6 nights a week. We try to attend Church together at least 2 times/month. They are all doing ok in school. My youngest does GREAT! They are all involved in organized sports and school sports and have all done fairly well.

We have really tried to get better over last 6 months. Overall despite all of our imperfections the other 2 kids are warm, happy affectionate and more or less compliant. Yes, they are a bit whiney and lazy as a result of our mistakes but overall when we try all of the good solid tips you recommend they definitely respond and respond well!! So I know this can work.

For some reason our Ryan has always been different. He is very moody. He is very manipulative. He can seem very troubled and depressed which gets us into a horrible cycle of feeling badly for him...etc. He makes ok choices but lately has been faced with a TON of peer pressure. We live in an affluent, highly permissive area where things happen as you mentioned …adult-sanctioned under age drinking, etc.

We have tried to crack down of late but this has led to a HUGE, and LONG power struggle. He has effectively used the Silent Treatment and Withdrawal. Of course this KILLS my husband and myself. We have tried for HOURS (no exaggeration) at a clip calmly asking him to tell us

How he feels…
What is one thing he likes about us/his life…
One thing he would like to see changed…
Etc…

We have even lobbed possible topics out there...that may be tough for him. I stepped up and did actually admit that I have not been the best mom...but I am trying to change, etc. There was no connection/no empathy/ just disgust. To NO avail! We have tried counseling for a few months now and have seen NO improvement!

I am proud that we have started to do many of the things you mentioned here.

1. We caught him lying about a party he went to...we had discussed this calmly and even put it in writing weeks before...and followed through beautifully. But now I am thinking it was too harsh. WE said 4 weeks grounding. Then we said any disrespect which he does DAILY he would lose his cell, pc, xbox, computer, etc. And again followed through. But I am thinking that the time frames are SO LONG and the punishment so severe (after years of being lax) that this could be causing him to be so despondent and confused?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 3 days works best.

I tried to get him his electronics back earlier by saying …you can earn them back by being respectful for one hour. Do you know he flatly refused?

>>>>>>>>>> “Being respectful for one hour” – what does that mean exactly? If I were to video-tape him being disrespectful, what would I see? Be very specific when telling your son what he has to do to earn his way off discipline.


Digging in and preferring to punish himself over complying and reaping the rewards. Guessing he is at Stage 3?

Q: Is this normal? Is he just adjusting to our new style? Should we follow through on the 4-week deal? We have 2 more to go or give him an option to earn back the privilege?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yes…very normal. Four weeks is about 3 ½ weeks too long.

2. I realize that I try so hard to stay calm but am in a constant power struggle. I try to be calm but he pushes my buttons all day/every day.

Q: When I say "What do you have going on today? What time is basketball? Any tests today sweetie?" and he does not make eye contact or answer...what should I do? IGNORE him or discipline him?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I would ask one short question …then either listen to his response, or ignore his lack of response.

When he responds with a grunt...same question? When he is going to bed. I say I love you...and he does not answer or leaves the house in the morning without saying good bye back...

>>>>>>>>>>>Pick your battles carefully ...you have bigger fish to fry. It doesn’t matter whether he responds or not. What matters is you are doing the nurturing piece that is so vital to the overall success of these strategies.

I would LOVE to get coaching from you, either on line or via phone. We live in NJ ...not sure if in person is an option.

>>>>>>>>>> Not currently unfortunately.

PLEASE let me know ...how you work/ how fast we can get started/can you address very specific questions like I have outlined here?

Thank you so much!!

Hopeful in NJ

A.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He threatening to slit my throat...

Hi Mark. My son has been staying at his Dad's for a week and a half now with no contact at all. Suddenly, today, he left me a phone message threatening to slit my throat because he fucking hates me. He also called me a fucking C---!!! Is it time to call the police? This was totally unprovoked unless he heard something from one of his friends. Everyone knows I'm concerned with drugs.

Help!!

T.

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I would definitely file a complaint. If you can get an officer to the house so he can hear the message -- that would be even better.

If someone you knew (other than your son) called you and threatened to set your house on fire, would you take that seriously? ...I'm guessing you would. I don't see this threat from your son as any different.

Err on the side of safety (plus you will be showing your son that threats of physical harm have legal consequences).

Be safe,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Do you think this is just jealousy...?

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your email, I am a single mum with two daughters aged 9 and 11 (nearly 12). They spend every second weekend with their father and he treats them well but he refuses to communicate with me in any way whatsoever which can cause problems obviously.

I have a very good relationship with both of them but the eldest in particular has always been very strong willed and often appears very angry. It is difficult to get her to identify her anger and sometimes it can get out of control.

They have had a particularly difficult time over the last year or two with the break up. It was a particularly traumatic breakup and they witnessed some truly awful stuff when their father was trying to get me to move out of the house by intimidation and other methods for which there is now a police prosecution pending. Eventually he was made to leave the home by the courts.

As part of my 'parenting schedule' I take each of them out individually once a month for some ‘one-on-one’ time alone with them. It was my youngest daughters turn this week, and the older girl was going to spend the afternoon with her friend (supervised by her friend’s mum of course). When I picked the girls up from school however the older daughter was in very bad form and was being very difficult so much so I was concerned something had happened in school. When I approached her she got very angry with me … shouting, and so on. She was crying and shouting quite a bit and then refused to go to her friends house.

I told her that she was spoiling my special time with her younger sister and she got her time too so that was unfair. In fact her younger sister was very upset too as she thought our afternoon together would have to be cancelled. Eventually I persuaded her to go to her friends but with difficulty and I was really quite angry with her for spoiling the afternoon. I work part-time so I am with both of them every day after school but still think it’s important to have some individual time with them also.

Do you think this is just jealousy? She really can be very difficult. Should I have actually 'Punished' her for her behavior??

This probably sounds very trivial a problem but her mood swings can be very difficult to handle and very upsetting also. I also worry about her anger which seems mainly directed at me but can also be directed towards her sister and can at time spill over to her friends also.

Thank you for your time,

J.

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Hi J.,

Going on what you’ve told me, it does sound like jealousy [with a touch of sibling rivalry] since she refused to go to her friend's house. In these cases, reassurance from the parent is much more effective than punishment.

I also like the idea of ‘one-on-one’ time with each daughter. An even better scenario would be if you could add time with the both of them (‘one-on-two’ time). There’s an added element of mother-daughter bonding that occurs in a threesome (i.e., the whole family spending time together) that would not occur otherwise.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com