Acknowledgment & Praise

I've tried the "catch your kid in the act of doing something right" business, but it doesn't really seem to work ...my son just looks at me like I'm stupid. Any suggestions?

 

ANSWER:

 

Yes... A few points here: The My Out-of-Control Teen eBook does not contain a set of "one-size-fits-all" parenting strategies. I rely on the parent to be smart enough to "fine-tune" the strategies according to their specific situation (this is why the parent-coaching piece is so important; you'll need some clarification and revision on some things from time to time). 

 

Some kids have very low self-esteem, and so a daily dose of positive strokes in the form of acknowledgment and praise is prescribed. Some kids have fairly high self-esteem, and as such, do not need a lot of strokes. In fact, too many stokes for this kid will be annoying to him/her. Use your good judgment here -- be creative. 

 

As a side note, here are the two mistakes I see parents make on this subject of rewarding the kid for good behavior in the form of acknowledgment and praise: 

 

1. The parent is not sincere when she praises, thus the kid picks up on the words used (and the body language behind the words) and knows that the parent in NOT really impressed with the kid's behavior, the parent is simply SAYING she is impressed. 

 

2. The parent praises in a sarcastic fashion (usually due to some unresolved resentment toward her kid; she may not even realize that her praise is being perceived as an insult by the kid). In this case, the praise is not a reward, rather it is a form of criticism. 

 

So, if parents praise TOO MUCH, or the praise is dishonest or sarcastic, they're just pissin' in the wind. In these cases, it would be better to say nothing. 

 

Mark 

The keys just came up missing...

Hi J., I’ve answered where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>

 

Mark, Have just received your e-book and went through it. I am going to go through it a few more times to make sure I "get it right". I do have some questions for you I'm hoping you can answer. 1. How do you handle a situation where you believe your teen took something (the extra set of car keys for the car he will drive when he shows he is more trustworthy and responsible) but cannot prove it as there are other children in the house (19 yrs old with a car of his own and a 9 yr old) and the keys just came up missing. 

 

>>>>>>>>>> If you have no evidence re: who took the keys, then you shouldn’t accuse anyone.  

>>>>>>>>>> I know this may be hard for you to hear, but go to your local auto repair shop and have them put in a new ignition switch in the vehicle in question. You will then receive a new set of car keys that you should keep with you at all times. It will cost you about $100 to get a new switch, but it will be well worth the expense. Think about how much it will cost you if your son takes a “joy-ride” and has an accident (he probably does have the keys by the way, and you can’t monitor his “joy-riding” capabilities 24/7). 

 

 >>>>>>>>>> Round-up all the other keys to any other items that your kids are not to have access to while you’re at it. 

 

2. Can your method work when the other parent (2 parent family, 3 boys) will not follow your program (or anything else) and will yell, ground "for a month" and tell him to "just leave and don't come back" when they are fighting? I will discipline (usually with the 3 day grounding), but they will get into an argument and the Dad says to leave. Then son gets a gleeful look on his face and is gone (on his bike and usually to his girlfriends). How do you start over, continue with the punishment when he gets the go ahead from his Dad? It often feels as I am in the middle trying to referee this situation.  

 

>>>>>>>>>> A weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one. 

 

3. This child has a girlfriend (also 16--same school) of over 1 yr that he is quite serious about, so much so that he has almost excluded any male friends. He wants to talk with her/text her and be with her almost 24/7. He does have a job and is involved with sports, and does pretty well in school--3 B, 2 A, 1C). We do have rules at our house. The girlfriend's parents think pretty much anything is OK. I have accepted this girl and am pretty OK with it but we do have many conflicts about the lack of rules at her house, and different ones at home. What is the best approach to this that will show our son that he still must follow and respect us and our rules?  

 

>>>>>>>>>> This is one of those very general questions that would take a book to answer adequately …fortunately, you got the ebook.

 

Mark 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

He puts his head down on the desk and pretends to go to sleep...

Greetings, Mark!

Your publications and web site have proven to be invaluable sources of information; thanks!

I am writing to seek assistance with my almost 17 year male child.

He has been diagnosed with ADHD with some depression symptoms as well. He is currently on Prozac and Straterra. The Prozac is for the depression and the Straterra is for focusing issues at school. We have noticed behavioral changes on those days when he forgets to take the meds (and it is a mild hassle to remind him every day).

He is currently in the 10th grade for the second time, and may have to repeat again because of failing grades. He is very well versed in creating rap songs using the computer and 'beats', and spends most of his waking hours working on these projects. Which leads to his poor performance in school.

We never see him doing homework at home - his response when asked about any is that he did it already. He refuses to write down assignments, and is almost always late in completing whatever assignments he does work on. He is constantly tardy to classes anywhere from 1 to 15 minutes on a regular basis. In some classes, he puts his head down on the desk and pretends to (or actually does) go to sleep.

He is being seen by a psychological social worker on a weekly basis, whom we have spoken to several times unbeknownst to him (no violations of client privileges have occurred during these conversations).

He is adopted, but he has been with us since he was two days old.

We are trying to stress the importance of education to him (without becoming overbearing about it), but he has a real passive motivation towards education. He has delusions (our feeling) about becoming famous in the rap world, which we temper as much as we can with a dose of reality without telling him to give up something that he really enjoys doing.

He has some anger management issues, but is not extremely "out of control" when compared to some of the stories identified in your publications. He has had two brushes with the law - both misdemeanors, and will be completing probation in September. Part of his probation agreement is performing at an adequate level in school.

I'd like to hear your thoughts about this situation; feel free to request additional information if you need it.

Thanks.

D.B.

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Hi D.,

I’m not trying to take a short-cut here, but as you may know, my stance is the more responsibility YOU take for your son’s academic performance, the less HE will take.

I’m not accusing you of the following, but I often find that when I provide my recommendation on poor academic performance (which can be read on the link below), parents email me again with the same question hoping for a different answer. Unfortunately for them, they get the same answer.

CLICK HERE to go to “Email From Exasperated Parents” and locate the post that reads:

"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

Mark