I've tried every form of punishment known to man...

{Email from brand new member of Online Parent Support:}

Mark,

Honestly my situation is in a hopeless state right now. I have 2 girls, E___, age 15, 10th grade and L___, age 15, 9th grade. I have full custody of E___ and she has lived with me for about 14 years. L___ is my stepdaughter from a 2-1/2 year marriage to my wife S___. E___ sees her real mom, D___, each week on Thurs and every other weekend. The relationship is currently good between D___ and S___ and myself. We try to work together for E___ as best we can.

I've always had issues with controlling E___'s attitude, anger and hostility towards me. I think I've tried every form of punishment known to man to no avail. One example of an episode occurred last night. I asked E___ to be off the computer by a certain time and gave her 10 min to do it. That time elapsed and she was still on. I went and asked again for her to get off and she huffed and said sternly, "OK, OK." I stood there waiting and noticed this was making her more agitated. I walked away for a minute or two and returned to see her still on Facebook. I then asked, "Why are you still on? I gave you plenty of notice..." She blurts out, "Aaaaggh, I'm getting OFF! Leave me alone." Keep in mind this was at the request of my wife, who wanted to get to bed earlier that night and the bed she sleeps on is in the same room as the computer. She had passed by and was aware of the conflict going on but did not join in.

E___ finally gets off, 15 min past the time I had asked her to. She storms off to her room. I asked her for her schedule book while she was on the way, as I needed it for some summer dates. She goes to her room upstairs and then flings it down the stairs. L___ is in the room and witnessed this. I had enough of this behavior and went up the stairs to talk with E___.

S___ is of the opinion that as long as I allow her to talk to me and act the way she does, it will continue. She thinks I need to be more strict. As I've mentioned before, talking, reasoning, punishment do not work, but yet I keep trying if only for S___'s approval. E___'s outbursts happen about every two weeks. She is rather moody most of the time.

I go in E___'s room and am immediately unwanted there. "GET OUT!!” she yells. I just wanted to calm her down and talk. She kept yelling and running around the room. " I DON"T WANT YOU IN HERE!!” I said, "Lower your voice, calm down and sit for a minute." "NO, GET OUT" The yelling and tantrum started. I said, "All right, the computer is off limits to you for two days." She yells, "GET OUT!" I say, "OK two weeks." This made things worse and I left.

E___ had just gotten off being grounded for about two months for a combination of poor grades, lying, breaking grounding rules, and talking back.

I go back downstairs and S___ and L___ are distraught, huddled up on our bed. I apologize for what had happened. L___ went to bed and S___ and I talked for a bit before she went to sleep. She doesn't have any hope of it getting any better. Her relationship with E___ is distant and this is not healthy. L___'s is the same. I don't think they are willing to go any further as far as trying to build that relationship.

We have been seeing a counselor as a group and individually for the past few months. He has been a great help, however S___ is becoming less willing to attend. He has requested only the two of us for upcoming sessions because he wants to try and start again building our commitment.

There are many other factors involved in this situation, but this is what I'm burdened with at the moment.

Thanks for any help you can give.

E.D.

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Hi E.,

I think what I would like to do at this point (since you are just now starting to use the strategies outlined in the eBook) is to give you some time to digest the material. Most, if not all, of the problems you're currently experiencing will be covered in the eBook.

Be sure to listen to ALL the audio files as well. If you don't have time to sit at your computer to do this, you can get audio CDs and listen in your car ==> Audio CDs.

In a few weeks, please email me with some very specific questions, and we will tweak these strategies according to your specific parent-child problems.

Stay in touch,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She is dealing with extreme aggression...

Hello Mark,

I want to thank you for your program. It has been very helpful. I work as Parent-Child Advocate in a Crisis Center here in _____, Texas and I am a new mother of a 10-month-old little girl.

Your book covers a multitude of topics and I trust that by putting the concepts into practice we will see significant improvements. Do you have any special suggestions for single moms who have been victims of domestic violence with 7 or more children who are also victims of domestic violence and are all very angry and out of control?

It is difficult for the moms to give each child individual attention, and they many times resort to "blanketed punishments" that also punish the children who are not acting out at the time... the child who acts up the most ends up getting the attention, and even if the mom tries to actively ignore the child(ren) who are acting out and continue paying attention to those who are not, the child's behavior escalates to the point of disrupting and hurting all of the other children and "punishing" those who are not acting out, and then those children also begin acting out, and so on.

Many times the child(ren)'s relationship with mom is very damaged because she has not been able to meet their needs because of her own problems... they do not trust her; they do not respect her... She wants to change and is seeking help but does not know where to start because she is dealing extreme aggression and she has so many to deal with.

Thanks again for everything. Your program is excellent!

J.S.

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Hi J.,

You have multiple issues here …I wish I had time to address them all:

1. Mother is a victim of domestic violence
2. Children who are victims of domestic violence
3. Childhood anger management issues
4. Single mothers parenting a large family
5. Lack of parenting skills
6. Parent-child trust/bonding issues
7. Mother’s personal problems

Re: Do you have any special suggestions for single moms who have been victims of domestic violence with 7 or more children who are also victims of domestic violence and are all very angry and out of control?

Survivors of domestic violence recount stories of put-downs, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulations by the abuser. Psychological scars left by emotional and verbal abuse are often more difficult to recover from than physical injuries. They often have lasting effects even after the relationship has ended. The survivor’s self-esteem is trampled in the course of being told repeatedly that she is worthless, stupid, untrustworthy, ugly or despised.

The American Psychiatric Association has identified a specific type of mental distress common to survivors of trauma called posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Common reactions to trauma include:

· Fear and anxiety — While normal responses to dangerous situations, fear and anxiety can become a permanent emotional state without professional help. Memories of the trauma can trigger intense anxiety and immobilize the survivor. Children may express their fears by becoming hyperactive, aggressive, develop phobias or revert to infantile behavior.

· Nightmares and flashbacks — Because the trauma is so shocking and different from normal everyday experiences, the mind cannot rid itself of unwanted and intrusive thoughts and images. Nightmares are especially common in children.

· Being in “danger mode” — Jitteriness, being easily startled or distracted, concentration problems, impatience and irritability are all common to being in a “heightened state of alert” and are part of one’s survival instinct. Children’s reactions tend to be expressed physically because they are less able to verbalize their feelings.

· Guilt, shame and blame — Survivors often blame themselves for allowing the abuse to occur and continue for as long as it did. Survivors feel guilty for allowing their children to be victimized. Sometimes others blame the survivors for allowing themselves to be victims. These emotions increase the survivor’s negative self-image and distrustful view of the world.

· Grief and depression — Feelings of loss, sadness and hopelessness are signs of depression. Crying spells, social withdrawal and suicidal thoughts are common when grieving over the loss and disappointment of a disastrous relationship.

To recover from domestic violence, the mother must stop blaming herself for what has happened, reconnect with people in order to build a support network, learn how to understand and express herself (with your help Jennifer), join a survivors’ support group (if you have one), and develop anger management skills so she does not repeat the cycle of abuse toward her children.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How about a Big Sister?

My daughter has been on home detention/ISP for one month now and is going to continue for another/she was doing fairly well and cooperating, but now i think reality is setting in that she needs to drop old friends and will not be allowed back to school unless she passes the online charter school classes to the 9th grade-she has flunked 8th because of truancy and running away and got into a fight using a folding knife to pack her fist, it scratched the girl on the head.

We live 16 miles out of town so she is very secluded and coming around back to her old self (i have been using your book also, and it really works!) However i think we're moving into a depression issue over non-socialization out here …and her and i being together all the time, working on homework, chores, playing some games, exercising outdoors.

What could i look into out there, we do not belong to any church anymore as all the goody goodys and bullys seem to be there and the adults were only interested in building the new church and raising money all the time. That was when she was about 5 or 6. Thank you for your time.

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In similar situations with my adolescent clients, I hook them up with a Big Brother or Big Sister. So, you may want to consider going to your nearest BB/BS Organization and see about procuring a mentor for your daughter

Research confirms what previously we had known only anecdotally or intuitively. That is, that mentoring works. A recent Research Brief found that youth who participate in mentoring relationships experience a number of positive benefits.

In terms of educational achievement, mentored youth have better attendance; a better chance of going on to higher education; and better attitudes towards school.

In terms of health and safety, mentoring appears to help prevent substance abuse and reduce some negative youth behaviors.

On the social and emotional development front, taking part in mentoring promotes positive social attitudes and relationships.

Mentored youth tend to trust their parents more and communicate better with them.

They also feel they get more emotional support from their friends than do youth who are not mentored.

Here are a few stats. Youth involved in the Big Brothers Big Sisters programs are:

· 46% less likely to use illegal drugs
· 27% less likely to begin using alcohol
· 52% less likely to skip school
· more confident of their performance in school
· one-third less likely to hit someone, and
· more trusting of their parents/guardians

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com