Adoptive Daughter Problems

Dear Mark,

Right now I'm looking for a different kind of help. I've done foster care for years, approx. 17 years and have adopted 4 children and had 2 biological. We've had about 100 children go thru our house over the years and I thought I had dealt with almost everything until my latest challenge.

She is now 13 years old. She has been with us since she is a year old. Approx. 3 years ago she became very defiant, which has gotten worse and has even been physically reactive at times only to immediate family. She is very rude, sarcastic and enjoys annoying people and non-compliant with almost all rules. She does well at school, she's in accelerated classes and very athletic and talented.

I had her see a psychiatrist 2 1/2 years ago and he diagnosed her with ODD, depression, and attachment issues. He prescribed medicine for the depression and she did try 2 - 3 pills and then refused to take it because they made her feel funny. She was in counseling at that time which she totally manipulated. We stopped everything for a while because it was going nowhere.

It has escalated and in March she was admitted to a local behavioral unit for a few days after punching my husband in the back of her head with her fist when he told her not to do something and she went to do it anyway and he tried to stop her by taking away the poster board. That psychiatrist only diagnosed her with ODD and sent her home and wants her to start counseling again. We do have an appt. set up and are looking into wrap around services, but right now our house is like a time bomb and is very stressful to say the least.

I know ideally the best thing for her because of the attachment issues would be to remain at our house, but I'm not sure we will be able to do so. She has no desire to try and get along and comply with anyone in the house. My question is do you have any suggestions on effective treatment facilities should I need to look for one? I'm afraid she would only learn more negative behaviors in there and come home worse than when she went in. I'm also presently looking into boarding schools, but I'm afraid I won't be able to afford one. Do you know of any special scholarships for adopted children whom are having a difficult time?

I'm sorry this is so long but felt I had to give an accurate picture.

Thanks,

Frustrated and heartbroken

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Re: My question is do you have any suggestions on effective treatment facilities should I need to look for one?

I would recommend that you simply go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Once on probation, your adoptive daughter will be referred by probation to whatever services she needs (which may include placement).

Re: Do you know of any special scholarships for adopted children whom are having a difficult time?

According to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse's website – http://www.childwelfare.gov -- there is money available for students like your adoptive daughter. Some states including Florida, New Jersey, Maine, Texas, and Virginia have earmarked scholarship programs for children adopted through their state foster care systems. To find out if your state has a similar program, contact your State Adoption Specialist.

The Orphan Foundation of America scholarship program has awarded more than $1 million in scholarships to foster and former foster youth. For more information, visit http://www.orphan.org -- or call (571) 203-0270.

The National Foster Parent Association also provides awards for foster youth. Get an application by visiting http://www.nfpainc.org -- or by calling (800) 557-5238.

Mark

 

We Kicked Her Out

Hi Mark,

I was the mother who had the question about my 18 year old. I did purchase your ebook and read it cover to cover yesterday. We are the parents who ended up kicking our daughter out because of lack of respect. She kept going out and would not call to let us know where she was even though we asked her time and time again. She would sleep over at a friend’s house 2-3 times in one weekend to get out of her curfew. We would ask her to help out around the house and gave her specific chores, but they were never done. We do not believe a word she says.

She has started dating a kid who she dated in the past and he has treated her poorly. He is a very jealous kid and we do not condone her seeing him. Since we kicked her out, we have found out that she has lied to us again. I know that we have to confront her about this lie and she has to pay the consequence. She lied about going on a field trip for school, which we paid for. She ended up skipping school that day and someone else went in her place. The trip was $40.00. So, therefore, she owes us $40.00 since she did not go and got reimbursed from the kid who took her place. She also owes us about $500.00 for things that added up when she was out of a job in Feb and March. I wanted her to start paying me back at least $20 to $30.00 a paycheck when she started working again. She has now gotten 3 paychecks and not one dime has come my way.

I also plan on telling her in a calm manner that we are unhappy with her behavior. In the past she would push my buttons and I would get extremely upset, but I know now that was wrong. This bad behavior started years ago, but was pretty much manageable, we thought, up until just recently. Apparently we were wrong.

About three years ago she started sneaking out at night and after months of doing this she got caught. We found out about it and she stopped for a while. We then found out she snuck out again and was brought home by the cops. Only for her and her boyfriend at the time to tell us she might be pregnant, and they were sneaking out to get a pregnancy kit. Thank god she was not pregnant and thankfully she finally saw the light about not dating him again.

She wanted to continue seeing him but we said "no". This basically is when the problems began. My husband cannot forgive her for this since she gave up her virginity plus snuck out on us. Grant it, it took me a long time to forgive her, but I moved on and took her to the gynecologist and tried my best to hold my anger and emotion inside of me.

Now I am wondering if kicking her out was such a good idea. We wanted to send a message. But she has such a chip on her shoulder I do not know if it will work. I have only spoken briefly with her since she left and plan on talking with her tonight. I want her to start counseling again, and like I said, want to talk to her in a calm manner. What do you think??

Thanks,

D.

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Well …first, counseling will be a waste of time and money.

Second, you did the right thing here (i.e., kicking her out). I would simply do the following:

1. Tell her that the door is always open as long as she agrees to comply with house rules.

2. State the house rules as well as the consequences for violating the rules.

3. Follow through with the consequences if she violates any house rule.

My best guess is that she will not agree to your house rules, in which case, she chooses to live elsewhere (which would be perfectly acceptable since she is an adult now). 

 

Mark 

Is your son a computer hacker?

Three teenagers face felony charges for allegedly hacking into their school computer system to "fix" grades — not for themselves but for friends.

The 16-year-olds are enrolled in advanced computer classes at Bay High School, and sheriff's investigator Paul Vecker said they didn't need to change their own grades.

"These are three young men who are quite intelligent," he said.

Vecker said they mostly changed friends' grades by small increments to avoid notice. However, they allegedly made a big change for one junior, who reportedly would've failed if her grade hadn't been changed from an F to a B, investigators said.

The school contacted the Bay County sheriff's office on Thursday.

One of the teens is charged with offense against intellectual property and the other two face charges of being principal to offense against intellectual property. 

A county juvenile detention supervisor said Saturday he couldn't say if they had been released on bail because of privacy laws protecting juveniles.