Whose In Charge At Your House?

Mark-

I realized I was very good at allowing my children to be independent, but I was not very good at setting clear and firm limits for behavior. My children easily discovered rules that could be broken if their protests were long and loud enough.

Often times, I just wanted to avoid the hassle of a conflict. It was easier for me to let the rules slide than to deal with the fuss. Also, it was sometimes hard to refuse my children anything, because I didn't want them to be unhappy. I thought "unhappy children" equals "bad parents." And I guess at some level I was afraid my children would become angry and hate me if I set boundaries.

Now I know that children want to know that their parents are in charge; they need structure and limits. This concept alone is helping me immensely.

Thank you,

J.W.

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He was so drunk it was hard to wake him up...

Hi Mark,

My problem is that I keep finding alcohol that my 16 yr old son has hidden. I have found beer and vodka. He is also on depression and anxiety medication (Effexor). Last Sunday night he was so drunk it was hard to wake him up. When we woke him up he did not know where he was, he was hostile, threatened to run away, and he said some very hurtful things to me. How do I get him to stop drinking and tell the truth?

Most days he is a wonderful kid - hard working & makes the A/B honor roll. Right now he has a summer job at the DA's office and tutors some high school kids with Algebra. He also lost his dad in a car accident about 5 years ago. This may be the cause of his depression. He does not open up to me so it is hard to know what is going on with him. How can I get him to talk to me?

P.


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Hi P.,

I got an answer that is short and sweet. He needs to be in some form of treatment for both alcohol abuse and depression. Intensive Out-patient (IOP) is recommended. He’s got some grief issues that he really needs to work through.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She takes no responsibility of her actions...

Hi Mark,

I have read your ebook and saw that you say 3 - 7 days grounding. I have dished out a grounding of 4 weeks and no mobile phone. My 14 year old daughter is putting herself at risk with her behaviour. She has a personality that she has to be centre of attention. Just last weekend she decided to stay out for a day and night. Her friends were worried for her as they had all gone to town and she didn't come home with them.

She wouldn't answer her phone and went to her job the following night with love bites covering her neck and high. I have done a drug test. She takes no responsibility of her actions and seems to self-sabotage herself with pushing the limits.

She has a councillor and she said that she needs help. But won’t let anyone near her. She wants to go to a foster family and we feel that we can’t keep her safe as she is aggressive and breaks rules and thinks we are the ones with the problem. This behaviour has been going on for a long while. I have a 17 year old daughter who is an ADHD child who is difficult also. I can't leave the girls together as a fight will erupt within minutes over nothing. My 14 year old always wins by beating the 17 year old. My husband and I feel that she might be better off going to another family for 6 weeks to give us a break and her space.

New Zealand doesn't have many facilities for teens who are out of control. What are your thoughts on this?

Regards

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Hi,

If she wants to go to a foster home, and you need a break from her, then I would go for it.

Of course, she’ll be back after you get a call from the foster parent stating she cannot control your daughter anymore. But by then, your daughter will have matured a bit, and you will have had a respite from her negative behavior and choices (albeit a short one).

Mark

p.s. 4 weeks is too long. She'll forget why she's grounded after a week and the lesson will be lost.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com