Pick Your Battles Carefully

HI Mark,

Thanks for checking in. Life is okay for now. We booted our oldest daughter out after the party in the house, she is now living in an apartment with a friend, so things have really gotten better at home, not having that stress. She seems to be doing okay. I don’t like her partying, but she is starting college in the fall and will be working, so hopefully that
will tone down.

I do have a question. I have a 12 year old daughter at home now, that is wonderful don’t get me wrong. But I was curious, when I am issuing her a consequence she rolls her eyes and looks away very upset with arms crossed and often storms out of the room and slams her door. Is this something that I should have an issue with? She follows through with the consequences that have been issued, but I just wonder how much I should make of the door slamming and eye rolling. Thanks for your advice.

P.

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Hi P.,

I would put the “eye-rolling/door slamming” in a file named Don’t Fight That Battle. If she’s following through with the consequence, then you win.

However, if she’s damaging the door or door frame, or if she slams so hard that things fall off the shelves and break, then issue a warning: “If you choose to slam the door, you’ll choose the consequence. The door will be removed.” …or “If you choose to slam the door, you’ll choose the consequence – you will be grounded FROM your room (except to sleep, of course).”

If she slams again after the warning, follow through with the consequence. Then, while on discipline, if she doesn’t do any door slamming for 3 days, she gets her door put back on the hinges. (Doors are fairly easy to remove and re-install.)

In any event, do not – DO NOT – let her know that this is irritating to you.

Mark

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"My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook on CD.

I would like to say how useful your [audio] CDs are. I was wondering if you had ever considered producing some for the kids??? I am thinking that hearing you talk would link them into information that they need to hear about themselves, about behaviours, about the effects of conditions and the possibilities of how different strategies can bring about alteration and change. My idea is that you educated them, as well as parents. What do you think? I am really hopeful about this idea. Maybe it wouldn't work for some, depending on their nature, but it could work for others.

Thanks for all your support. I really do think that it is time all teachers, social workers, youth workers, mental health doctors, began to further their education with your direction! Go safely.

"My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook on CD.

I JUST HAVE TO DO IT...

MARK-

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE GREAT ADVICE. I DO UNDERSTAND AND AGREE WITH YOUR POINTS. I JUST HAVE TO DO IT WITH MY TEENS. I WILL PRINT OUT YOUR EMAIL-CONSULTATION AND RE-READ IT MANY TIMES.

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND AND I WILL TRY MY BEST. THANKS AGAIN. I AM VERY HAPPY AND COMFORTED THAT I JOINED YOUR CLASS.

T.S.

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