"My son will just defy me as soon as Dad leaves the house..."

Dear Mr. Hutten: I have read most of your book today. I am almost done, but am quite confused regarding my own personal situation. I know I sent you that long email, but please remember these facts, as they are much harder for me than you realize. I am not trying to say that no one knows what they are talking about, I want you to realize that I need exact instructions on how to deal with my son AT THE POINT WE HAVE REACHED. My husband is gone for days at a time, and my son and I have an very very estranged relationship. If I even asked him to do a chore, to tried to impose a curfew or told him no to anything, he knows he can hang over my head the act of busting up my house. He would just say "F_ _ _ _ you B _ _ _ _ _, make me", grab his keys and walk out, doing whatever he wants. He just literally stands there and says "No." How do I converse with someone like that? He scares me, has hit me once about 5 years ago, and is now 6'1" and a brown belt. (I should have never paid for that), he never learned dicipline there, they taught it, but he used it against me.

In short, since my husband is an airline pilot, I can fly for free. Would it pay for me to have a session with you? An appointment? Would you be able to meet with me, for a while, hear everything I have to say and give me some honest to goodness guidance and sound advice on exactly what to do? I have been dealing with this for 10 years and am on the brink of divorce over it and have 3 more kids to raise. What I am trying to say is that I hear your advice in your book, but for many of your situations (such as imposing chores, or setting guidlines), this son will just defy me as soon as Dad leaves the house. I am stripped of authority, how do I get it back? I know my husband must join forces, but even if he does, how do I enforce it when Dad goes away? Please let me know something more.Thank you, A.

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Hi A.,

First of all, please do not use this program in “crash-course” fashion. Parents make a huge mistake when they try to shoot for a quick fix by blasting through the printable version of the ebook in one afternoon and then try to implement change. This approach will be the kiss of failure. Simply do one session per week – and be sure to listen to all the audio and watch all the instructional videos.

Secondly, I understood from your first email what you particular dilemma is. You are basically parenting alone with a very angry son who has no respect for you. Since your husband is not there to back you up, you must seek some form of outside assistance. I think this should come in the form of juvenile probation if necessary. That’s right – juvenile probation.

Use the strategies as outlined in the eBook. If your son threatens you, destroys property, violates curfew, etc., you should go to your local probation department and file a complaint (whether you get your husband’s approval or not). Then you will get assistance from a probation officer.

Now I’m going to be a bit tough on you:

If you are one of those parents that wants to save her son from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices …if you find the above recommendation to be unthinkable …if you choose to be held captive in that abusive environment with little support from your absent husband, then you are NOT working this program as it is intended. 

 

This is a serious matter. You will either make a stand as well as muster the courage to implement change, or you will find a host of reasons why this program will not work – it’s your choice.

Having said that, I trust that you will take things one-step at a time by fully digesting session #1 (and implementing session #1 assignments) this week – and nothing more. Save session #2 for next week. Also email me as needed for any clarification you may need.

Lastly, shift from focusing on all that’s going wrong and how you are being treated unfairly to focusing on how you can begin to take care of you.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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This will be hard, won't it?

Mr. Hutten:

I purchased your book, but am worried about something. Correct me if I am wrong: I cannot effectively do this if my husband doesn't right? Also, how am I to pull this off every time my pilot husband leaves town? This will be hard, won't it?

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While it's true that it will be exceedingly difficult to implement these strategies if your husband is working in the opposite direction from you, I find that - even in worse case scenarios - spouses can find at least a few areas they agree on.

Rarely is the case that husband and wife are 100% diametrically opposed on ALL decision-making opportunities about their kids. A weaker plan supported by both parents is much, much better than a strong plan supported by only one.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Serious problem with son...

Hello Mark,

I have serious problem with my son and his breaking our family rules. This story sounds like a great plan; however our son is able to stay the course for three days and then start all over again, hence the weekend begins. Over the Thanksgiving holiday he stayed out all night and then came home and we took all his privileges away. He told his father that he understood his punishment and within 2 hours proceeded to walk out the door.

He also tells us that if we put our hands on him he will call the police. Now we know that we can restrain him but this is a no win situation. We cannot watch over him 24 hours a day. We already went down that road a year and a half ago. When he ran off for 5 days at the age of 13 we were told that a wilderness trip and boarding school was the answer. After being gone for over a year he came back and seems to be worse.

He has been in counseling and everyone who has ever encountered him says the same thing; he is an edgy kid who likes to take risks. We also know he loves to smoke marijuana. More so than most of his acquaintances; I have often asked if this is a sign of depression and have been told that in their opinion he is not depressed. What do you suggest?

I wanted you to be aware that we live in Maryland and I am not sure what the laws are concerning his absence. He has now been gone for over 2 days. I am going to find out the laws today that govern this situation. We have had advice saying that we should just let him stay out there and see what it is like; they say he will tire of it and come home. I have wondered the same thing; maybe we should just let it run its course. Another suggestion has been to call the police each and every time he stays out. This will give him a track record and maybe the police can give him a citation and then we would go to juvenile services and he would be given community service. I am looking into that aspect today. What would your opinion be concerning this action?

We have found out thru different sources that he is staying at various friends houses in and around our area. My mind is consumed with worry and I just want him safe; there are so many different drugs out there and trouble that he could get into. Believe me when I say we have tried a lot of different approaches. Please help us with your experience in these matters.

Thank you,

M.

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Since he refuses to accept rules and discipline, your only recourse (that will be effective) is to file a run away complaint as well as an incorrigibility complaint at your local juvenile probation department. You need outside assistance in the form of “formal probation.” Then he will be “court-ordered” to follow through with several objectives (e.g., comply with curfew, attend school, seek drug treatment, etc.).

DO NOT attempt to save him from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices. Allow him to experience the full range of legal difficulties that result from with his defiant behavior.

Mark

Online Parent Support