What's Fair Game?

Dear Mark,

I've been reading your e-book, My Out-of-Control Teen, and I've gotten some good ideas already. One thing that I'm not sure how to handle is taking away things as a discipline. Our 16-year-old son has a computer and video games that he bought himself with money that he earned at his part-time job. When we threaten to take these away from him, he says we can't because he paid for them. How should we handle this?

Thank you for your help.

S.D.

```````````````````````````````````

Hi S.,

First of all, here's the link to the page of the eBook that most applies:

Look for the section entitled ==> When You Want Something From Your Kid

Secondly, if he EARNED his computer and games, then you shouldn't take those items away as part of discipline; however, he does live in your house ...and you pay for the electricity. So, in using the strategy in the section listed above, you can add one caveat:

Issue a warning by saying to him, "If you choose to __________________ (the behavior that is unacceptable), then you'll choose the consequence, which is as follows: You will be charged a fee (to be paid within 7 days) for using the electricity in my house, and if you cannot - or will not - help pay the electric bill, then you'll choose to (a) have the electricity shut off to your room or (b) loose the power cord to your computer (for 1 - 3 days)."

If he engages in the inappropriate behavior after the warning, then follow through with the consequence. If he refuses to accept this consequence, then take everything away (except the disabled computer and games) and ground him for 3 - 7 days.

This may sound ridiculous, but he needs to understand that using your electricity for his entertainment is a privilege - not a right.

Mark

P.S. This is representative of how the "real world" operates. That's why you're doing this - to prepare him for the real world.

Online Parent Support

At school he is a TERROR...

Dear Mark-

I purchased your program and at the part that is basically saying, eat dinner with them and tell them good night. The program says not to skip and to read it step by step -which is fine but in the meantime things are not good! Truly at home my son is pretty good (now that I have a boyfriend that will not take his crap) but at school he is a TERROR. I get calls from the office daily. Today he stole a drink in the cafeteria then when caught shoved it across the table getting it all over another student, threatened to beat up the kid that told on him and cussed out the Principal. Well he is expelled from school for 10 days now. But this type stuff goes on *every single day*.

I take away his ps2, ground him from tv- which makes him all sad and but it is not helping the behavior at school- he acts DEVASTATED every time he gets in trouble that he just cant believe it all happened and knows he is going to be in trouble and is very upset about being in trouble - yet the behavior continues.

I will keep on doing the program but for now tonight other than eating dinner with him and telling him good night - I am simply without a clue.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can handle this tonight when I get home? He already has his ps2 and tv taken away. I know to keep my poker face but how can I effectively punish him - or get thru to him to help him not want to be such a nightmare.

It this all truly just because he want attention?

Your is appreciated-

S.

````````````````````````````

For now, I don't want you to do anything differently than what you would ordinarily do. If we make a bunch of changes too quickly - it will backfire. Only do one session per week - and only implement one set of assignments per week. In the meantime, just do what you have been doing until you come to parts of the eBook that instruct you otherwise.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Do you think my 2-week period for her is too long?

I have one question for you, if you could help me out on this: right now, my 16-yr old daughter was given an ultimatum (from me) that she had to live with her dad for a cooling off period of two weeks, without a cellphone, because she was destroying some internal house property, as well as becoming threatening to me, totally disregarding curfew, swearing at me, etc. I notice in your book you recommend a 3-day punishment period only. My daughter’s deal was that at the end of the 2-wk cooling off period, assuming she could agree to a basic contract of respectful behaviour, we’d try it again (ie. I have her at home). It’s only been in effect since Monday. Do you think my 2-week period for her is too long? (assuming she agrees to the contract earlier? What if she doesn’t agree?). With all her behavioural problems, she has still gotten decent marks at school (despite a number of absences), as well as she holds down a good little part-time job (which unfortunately I think enables her to buy drugs – soft ones, I don’t honestly think she’s into anything hard. I do know she has had alcohol and continues to party with it a bit). She does put a part of each paycheque away for savings. It’s the swearing, lying, curfew breaking, belligerence, total lack of respect for property, etc. that is way out of hand). Thoughts?

````````````````

I think 2 weeks is fine. I don't see "living with dad" as punishment. It's probably a good thing that the two of you have some time away from one another while you re-group and decide of some new strategies.

Mark

Online Parent Support