She’s 14 and extremely difficult. ..

Hi Mark,

I’ve spent most of my day on your website, you have some wonderful information there. I will be doing the lessons week by week, but I admit to reading ahead. What I have not come across is any solution to what if the child does everything in their power to keep you from taking their things.. for example.. My daughter right now is without internet access, no cell and no t.v but she has an Itouch that she claims is in her locker, however I know it’s not, I’ve gone to her room and searched it to no avail. There are even times where she won’t actually hand over the things and I try not to let it get physical but it does sometimes. I took her computer power cord and she threw the keyboard across room smashing it into pieces. I told her she would not get another one until she paid for it herself. But I know she’s got that itouch somewhere. She’s 14 and extremely difficult.

Thanks!

L.

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Hi L.,

This type of issue is addressed in the Anger Management chapter [Online Version]. But I do not recommend trying to implement a bunch on new parenting changes too quickly.

It sounds like you are in a power struggle over the Itouch. The more you focus on it, the more it becomes an interesting cat-and-mouse game to your daughter.

The best thing to do at this point is to simply continue to work the program one week at a time. Email me if you need any clarification once you’ve digested most of the material.

I look forward to hearing back,

Mark

Online Parent Support

"You said things will get worse, and they have..."

---Hi M.… please look for my comments throughout your email below:

Thank you for your previous email. I know you said things will get worse, and they have and I am not sure where we should go now… Our son is 17 years old and has just recently had more behavioral issues….we have had them all along but now they are getting more out of control and it is starting to have more of an impact on the entire family.

We have been working on assignments 1 and 2 and things were good for a while until yesterday. House rule is he is not allowed to sleep over at his girlfriend’s house and curfew is at 11pm. He went to an 18 and under club and was suppose to come home after (we knew it might be later than his curfew) instead went to his girlfriend’s house and when we called at 12:30 am her dad said he was asleep. My husband went over to get him to come home when things got bad and my husband threatened to call the police. Her dad intervened and our son left reluctantly.

Situation worsened at home and he won’t let us even say anything to him…even after a suggested time out on our part. We did not yell or raise our voice and we used a poker face but he won’t even look at us. How do you get your child to let you get a word in ... he just keeps talking and yelling…we get “shut up, I’m not talking to you…I don’t care and I hate you… I’ll walk out and you will never see me again…”

---Actually your son was right, you should have shut up (no offense). What I mean is, he knows what the rules are, and he knows he violated a house rule. There is nothing that needed to be said …and nothing that should have been said. When these situations arise, do not do any of the following:

1. Explain your decision
2. Defend your position
3. Attempt to “reason with” your son
4. Lecture (e.g., trying to “get a word in”)
5. Argue
6. Display any emotion whatsoever (e.g., anger, frustration, irritation, worry, concern, fear, etc.)
7. Fall for the accompanying manipulation strategies that your son is likely to employ

…if we tell him a consequence is that he will not get his cell phone then he says “Oh well, you will never here from me again”.

---Bullshit.

Do we tell him that is his choice?

---Yes.

Now I can’t even get the consequences in? Does he have to acknowledge that he heard the consequence?

---No.

How can we change house rules at this point…he left already this morning 5am to go to her house and said he would be back at 11pm. Those were the past house rules…do we impose a discipline anyway? When do you involve the police? Please let me know what you suggest I can’t live like this and I don’t want to push him out the door but I guess that would be his choice? Thank you for your time.

---I can see that your son successfully accomplished the goal of getting you to chase your tail.

Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version of the eBook]. This is the technique you’ll need to use in the future. If you need any clarification on this technique, do not hesitate to email me again.

In a nutshell: State the house rule and the consequence for violating the house rule. Then let him make the mistake of violating the rule. Then implement the consequence.

Hang in there. I think you are beginning to see a bit of success, even though it’s not traceable at the moment.

Mark

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My son is in a rage...

I cannot get beyond week #1 intro [of the program]. My son is in a rage ever since I refused to allow him to go to a party that I knew would include some of his old "druggie" friends. Some police friends have suggested placing a CHINS order (in MASS) on him through the court to scare him into compliance but I am nervous about having court involvement.

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Hi H.,

1st Do not allow anything to get in the way of you completing the 4-week program. Keep moving forward! Change is hard. Your son’s resistance is expected.

2nd Do not get cold feet just because he’s having a temper tantrum. Stand your ground. This is tough love. If you are willing to suffer through a few weeks of pain associated with the positive change that’s coming, then you’ll get over the hump and begin to see a gradual reduction in the intensity and severity of the parent-child conflict.

3rd I doubt that he would qualify for CHINS. I wouldn’t waste time with it. Your police friends are suggesting that your use fear-based motivation with your son. Fear-based motivation is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have no positive outcome - and could make a bad problem worse.

4th Let him have his “mad time.” Is he destroys property or becomes physically aggressive, then you absolutely must be willing to (a) call police and file a report and (b) go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Anything less than this is using half-measures, which WILL be the kiss of failure.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen