She has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school...

Dear Mark

I am writing after firstly downloading and reading your article on 'Out of Control Teenagers' and wished I'd had this manual a few years ago.

I have a fifteen year old daughter 'L___' and a ten year old boy 'C___'.

Since L___ reached the age of 12 and onwards I have had an uphill daily struggle and battle within our home. She has pushed the boundaries full scale and more.

In brief, she has had sex at age 12, started smoking, drinking and trying out drugs from that age, continually truanting school, arguing and walking out of class and school, to the point of near exclusion from that school, running away from home, threatening suicide and cutting herself (due to mixing within a cult of what we calls 'Emo's' who seem to be into all this and self harm).

From this, I decided to (before she was expelled) moved her to an all girls grammar school (just starting into Year 9 and because her grades being an A and A* student at this point, secured her a place and fresh start). L___ did not really settle due to leaving friends behind but did go for the first 6 months with no truancy.

However, I then decided to move house so that we would be closer to her school and where I worked, to an area which probably was not ideal to the situation and L___ started once again truanting and running away.

Her behaviour escallated to a point where if I tried to stop her from running away or leaving the house, she would just start to smash things up until I opened the door and let her go.

The police have been involved over the last 3 years, social services have been involved (a pointless exercise), harbour drugs people, I have tried to have her attend councilling to which she refuses to attend. L___ has been under the Youth Offending Team here for four months, after I pressed charges for the third time in relation to her smashing up the home and assault on myself and her brother.

I am at present in the process of being taken to court for not getting my Daughter to school, as the law here puts all responsibility onto the parent in getting your children to school or a fine could be implemented, as could a stint in jail. The Education Officer is aware of how hard I have tried to get L___ to go to school and does not particularly want to take me but has to his job.

My daughter constantly answers me back, calls me verbally abusive names, has told me even recently that if she had a knife she would kill me, as she hates living with me and wishes I would kick her out. Then in the space of a few hours could be trying to sit next to me on the sofa expecting me to give her a cuddle (but purely to get around me for some thing or other).

I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked.

She has fallen so far behind with her studies, she is now at a C Grade or ungraded, and it makes my heart ache to think she has the ability but can not seem to apply it.

Would rather just sleep in late, hang around, not help around the house, but expects money to be forthcoming etc.

I am a single parent and have brought them up single handedly since L___ was 5 and C___ 18 months, with little/no help from there dad who is only in the country on approx 2 to 3 weeks a year. He is financially supportive, but no help really on the discipline matters.

Everybody from friends to family, authorities and even her own friends have said they can not understand why she is like she is and that she has a fantastic mother.

I begin to wonder.

I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already. One thing is for sure, when she is sixteen, I am entitled then to throw her out, not something I wish to do, but if it will teach her a hard lesson, then that is what I will have to do.

Any further help would be appreciated

This is only some of what I have had to go through, and probably a bit all over the place. Sorry had to crack it into half hour lunch break.


N.

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Hi N.,

Re: I have tried the ignoring techniques, taking away of valuable items including phone, i pod, and with holding of any money. None of it has really worked. … I am trying to go by your manual, to see if there is anything there I have not tried and tested already.

I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life?

2. Are you saying to her "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?

5. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?

6. Do you catch her in the act of doing something right at least once each day?

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?

8. Do you give her at least one chore each day?

9. Do you find something fun to do with her each week?

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up?

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my daughter, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is she EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?

13. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?

14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”

15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Are You Making a Bad Problem Worse?!

Hi Mark,

First, thanks for your great ebook and website. I realise I had been very unclear as a parent and started on the assignments with a sense of relief. Things did get worse before they got better but I am very pleased that I did not lose my cool or get drawn into arguments and we started to settle down and my 11 year old son S__ said that he felt so much better because he knew where he stood.

But our new-found calm was shattered by something that happened at school. A boy accused my son of something that he did not do and said that he was going to fight him. S__ alerted a member of staff but they didn't act in time and S__ got beaten up. Since then he has not been back to school.

The school has been apologetic and admits that they let S__ down by not acting quickly enough. They have offered various strategies to try and settle him back into school but he is hysterical at the thought of going back.

As I want S__ to be happy and to feel he has some choice in the matter, this is what I am doing. (we live in the UK, by the way.) The Education Welfare Officer has been to see us and has suggested two other schools that might be better for S__, so we are going to see these schools. She has also put me in touch with a network of people who educate their children at home so I can see what's involved. This is my least favourite option as I am a freelance writer/editor and I work from home, so I'm quite worried about combining the two things. But home education is S__'s favourite option. I am also going back to talk to his original school, though S__ is refusing to come with me.

We are coming up to school holidays so there will be a bit of breathing space, but I am just very worried about S__ because he seems so depressed. Every bit of confidence has been knocked out of him. He won't go outside the house in case anyone asks him why he isn't at school or looks at him oddly. He is so unhappy. I too am unhappy and depressed and can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. We are both completely demotivated.

I did try taking him bowling to cheer him up, but it didn't work as he seemed to have lost the knack and felt even worse about himself. I need to find some ideas to boost his confidence. He has stopped looking after his pets, which is putting a real strain on me. The only thing we are managing to do every day is walk the dog.

I have a daughter who is 14 and happy at school but I feel bad that I'm not giving her enough attention.

The children's father died three and a half years ago.

S__ and I do talk, but he tends to speak in sweeping generalisations so that there's nothing I can focus on to help with, eg 'my life is over' 'my life is ruined' 'I'll never be the S__e again'.

I have found a counsellor who he will speak to and he has seen her twice, but because these are confidential sessions I don't really know what's happening - although I do know she will be talking to him about his education next week.

Click here for my response...

How is it going to work?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

This is Patty and I just purchased your e-book on out of control teens. I have some questions. For online presentations and support do I just go to the website? Do I need a password? How is it going to work? Do I automatically have access? I am confused.

Please let me know thank you.

Patty

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Hi Patty,

For Online Presentations, go to the Online Version of the eBook.

Re: support. There are 3 ways to get support—

1) You can go to the website and type a question in the chat room. If you have questions about medication, direct your question to David McLaughlin, MD. If you have questions about a specific child or adolescent mental disorder, direct your question to Julie Kennedy, Ph.D. Direct all other questions to me. We usually return your chat messages within 24 hours.

2) You can go to the website and type your question in the text box where it reads Post to Online Parent Support Blog. Here you will get feedback from other parents going through much of the same parent-child problems as you.

3) You can email me.

You do not need a password. Just go to the Online Version of the eBook. You'll land on the Contents page. Start with "Introduction."

If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to email me.

Mark

Online Parent Support