How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Hi Mark,

First let me say that my husband and I feel that finding your website and ordering your ebook have been heaven sent. We will have our sit down discussion with our two boys, P___ 21 and J___ 16. We have already started the poker face and requesting a task or chore when they request a privilege. It has shown great results already and I hope paved the way a bit into our family talk.

J (16) was the one we were having anger issues with, P has always been very sweet...we realize now.... both were used to manipulate us. I would have never considered myself indulgent until I read your definition… oh boy am I!

I know I will have more questions for you as we go along but I have one now that I could really use some suggestions on.

J has a friend who has dropped out of school, no job and we feel not a good influence at all. He is from a broken family and just went to live with Dad, but that fell apart very quickly and he is back.... We thought our prayers were answered with him leaving the state. How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply and thank you so much for the wonderful counseling you are offering to help us Desperate Parents,

A. and M.

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Hi A.,

You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friend. This may be because of his image, negative attitude, or serious behavior (e.g., alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors, etc.).

Here are some suggestions:

• Check whether your concern about his friend is real and important.
•  Do not attack your son's friend. Remember that criticizing his choice of friends is like a personal attack.
• Encourage reflective thinking by helping him think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
• Encourage his independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
• Get to know this friend if possible. Invite him into your home so you can talk and listen to him, and introduce yourself to his parents.
• Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he really is).
• If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your son about his behavior and choices -- not the friend.
• Keep the lines of communication open and find out why this friend is so important to your son.
• Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
• Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

And you must ensure that your teen knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.

Mark

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What To Do When Your Teenager Comes Home Drunk

"Hello, we have just started to work through your book and it seems to be going well so far. However we need help about what to do if an incident happens again like last week - this has happened once before. Our 13 year old daughter went out got drunk - possibly smoked weed, was hit by another girl, then refused attempts to get her home - she was crying and was hysterical eventually a friend calmed her down - she would not respond to us at all. She has just gone through a 3 day grounding and has signed a contract with us (she also self harmed when she was alone in her room). We will deal with things as they happen, but what if that happens again? We felt so helpless. Many thanks."

Be sure to clearly state your expectations regarding your daughter’s drinking and establish consequences for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes count, even though she may not always show it.

If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your daughter may be more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. She needs to know that for her, drinking may carry special risks.

Should your daughter come home under the influence, make sure she is in no immediate danger due to her alcohol use, but wait until she is sober to address the problem. When she sobers up, say/do the following:

1. Say (with your best poker face), "I noticed you came in intoxicated last night. I felt shocked and worried."
 
2. Next, Listen. Give your daughter a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit; she will be angry with you for confronting her and will want you to get off her back; she will probably deny that she drank any alcohol; even if she admits to drinking, she will most likely blame someone else for the drinking episode).

3. Then say, "The house rule is no drinking before the age of 21. If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and you will be charged with minor consumption."
 
4. End on a positive note by saying, "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!"
 
If your daughter has another drinking episode, follow through with the consequence you stated in step 3.

So here's the formula: 

I noticed... 

I felt... 

--Listen-- 

The house rule is... 

If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence, which is... 

End on a positive note

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He can sense the weakness in me...

Hi Mark,

I have finally realised that I'm in a situation of the tail wagging the dog! I need my son to go back to school – and to the school he was originally at, not to a new school.

I shall tell him that he will be going back to school after the holidays. But I am not sure what to say will be an appropriate consequence if he refuses to go back to school. Do I go say there will be negative consequences – no computer, no tv etc? Or do I offer positive consequences – bribery – eg new computer game?

I am worried because I know he can sense the weakness in me like a horse can sense a nervous rider. So I know I have to be firm, calm and confident when I speak to him.

Your thoughts would be appreciated,

Thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

A good combination of both negative and positive reinforcers would be best. Example: The positive reinforcer (the carrot) would be that if he chooses to go to school, he will be allowed to have a friend spend the night on weekends. The negative reinforcer (the stick) would be that if he chooses to refuse to go to school, you will involve authorities (this assumes that school attendance is mandatory in Great Britain).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child