He doesn't seem interested in any type of "plan"...

Mark,

Thanks. Any tips on getting my husband to support ANY consistent plan? He doesn't seem interested in any type of "plan". He just criticizes me when one or both of my daughters get in trouble. He's seldom at home. He rarely talks to them, except to criticize them, usually to me. I know it's important for him to be involved, but again, I can't force him either. I feel very frustrated. Also, I have told them to keep their facebooks clean. This is where I find out most of the stuff that they are doing. How should these websites be handled. I can't seem to block the site without blocking the whole internet. This is stuff that the "whole world" can see. I told them I don't want anything about drug use or foul language on them. How do I control this? The computer is in the kitchen, but their sites have passwords?

M.

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We use PC Tattletale at our house. We can pretty much control everything with this software: PC Tattletale.

Re: Any tips on getting my husband to support ANY consistent plan?

One lady (going through the same thing with her husband) played the audio CDs in the car whenever the two of them were out and about. She used the "captive audience" approach. (Sneaky!)

You can get the CDs here if you want: Audio CDs.

Mark

The biggest problem that we are having is trust...

Dear Mark,

I've been listening and reading the program for four weeks, and doing the assignments. I have two daughters 18 and 16. This has been the most trying summer of my life. My husband has not been involved for most of their lives, although we are together. I am left to do all the parenting myself. The biggest problem that we are having is trust. I have caught my older daughter smoking, drinking, taking drugs, sneaking out of the house, stealing and lying to cover it up. It has now affected my younger daughter, who has decided to "gang up" against me.

My husband also blames me, and tells me to back off. Every time I do that, the same problems or others arise. I have issued the 3-day discipline, and the day it was lifted, there was another incident. This happened 3 times. My daughter was told no smoking. Is this something I can enforce? I told her I know that I can't stop her from smoking, but I can insist that it doesn't happen on my property. I also told her that when I find things like lighters, I'm going to assume that they are hers, and that she is smoking. I also told her no smoking in her car. She paid for the car, but it is in my husband's name. She "swears" that she is not smoking, but I am still finding lighters, and her car stinks. The stories that she tells me are very hard to believe. I told her that because of her track record of lying to cover things up, I'm having a hard time believing her. My younger daughter backs her up with every story.

They both resent that I don't trust her, but my gut feeling is that they are both lying. Her car has been limited to work only until she pays off the money she owes us from stealing. My husband allowed her to take the car to the beach the other day. I have begged him to also listen to the program, and he is always too busy, and basically doesn't care. I feel this is one of the main reasons why we are in this situation, because there is no unity. I really want this problem solved!

I have tried family counseling, and my daughter has been diagnosed with depression, and has started taking lexapro. I was against this at first, but am willing to try to see if she really is unable to control her emotions. I have always had a close relationship with both daughters, and have done most of the things that you suggest, before I started this program.

My older daughter's plans of living away at college were taken away when she didn't get the cheerleading scholarship that she was hoping for. When that fell through, we agreed to a year of community college and living at home was best for her, until she pulled up her grades, and matured a little. (She was not self-reliant enough to live away without answering to someone ie. coach, and also a network of friends). Instead of maturing this year, she regressed and rebelled, blaming me for not allowing her to live away.

My husband lost his job, and I couldn't pay for her to live away without the scholarship. She was only 17, and not eligible for a loan without my cosigning. She still cannot get a loan until 21 without our cosigning. I told her that living away at school is not out of the question, but it is a privilege that needs to be earned. Please advise? Sorry so detailed.

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Hi M.,

Re: My daughter was told no smoking. Is this something I can enforce?

You will not be able to stop her from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture her, the more she will smoke! But you can stop her from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your daughter:

"I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which his grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your daughter smokes on the property, follow through with the consequence.

Re: I have begged him to also listen to the program, and he is always too busy, and basically doesn't care.

A weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Should you put your teenage daughter on birth control?

Parent's Question:

"My daughter has become sexually active with 'her boyfriend'. She was sneaking out on the nights my husband works. We have had one pregnancy scare already. Do I - or do I not - put her on birth control? We are currently on Week 2 of your program."

My Response:

YES! Just do it. Wherever you stand on pre-marital sex, you need to address the reality of your daughter engaging in sexual activity and it's consequences. Be honest with your daughter starting first with the science of how the various forms of birth control work. Don't forget to address all those myths floating around. You want to make sure your daughter has heard it from you before she hears it in the locker room. She is more likely to value your advice if you offer it freely. It's okay to be uncomfortable. It's not okay to hide your head in the sand.

Parents are often in denial …they may fervently want children to delay sexual activity, but if you know for a fact that your daughter is having sex, then the responsible thing to do is to warn her about sexually transmitted diseases and help prevent her from getting pregnant.

Parent's Next Question:

"Thank you. We struggled with the "giving her permission" part of it. Considering the cost, is it one of those things she has to "earn"? In other words, should she pay for it with her "chore" allowance?

Also, she has become interested in piercing and tattooing to the point of piercing her own lip with a safety pin and is now engaging in trying to create her own tattoo gun and cutting into her skin. The lip piercing she did a few months ago and we were "secretly" hoping it would infect and we would have to take her but she read up on how to take care of it, too. We discovered last night that she was on the internet finding directions on self-tattooing. The type that prisoners do. My husband found the paperwork on a couch in the living room. We almost think she wanted us to find it.

I monitor her IM and limit it as well. I found she shared this tattooing info with "her 15 year old boyfriend" and was hiding her initial markings with a wristband. I left for work this morning, told my husband about it (who is now home sleeping). He is thankfully on vacation this week but we are both a bit distraught over this. What do you recommend for how we handle this today?

You are a godsend right now. Thank you."

My Response:

Re: ...should she pay for it with her "chore" allowance?

I'd have her pay half. Her willingness to go along with the whole birth control thing is worth much more than the cost of a month's worth of pills.

Re: tattooing. If she's going to get a tattoo, she really should consider having it done professionally. Professional studios usually take pride in their cleanliness. Here are some things to check for:

• Make sure the tattoo studio has an autoclave (a device that uses steam, pressure, and heat for sterilization). You should be allowed to watch as equipment is sterilized in the autoclave.
• Check that the tattoo artist is a licensed practitioner. If so, the tattoo artist should be able to provide you with references.
• Be sure that the tattoo studio follows the Occupational Safety and Health Administration's Universal Precautions. These are regulations that outline procedures to be followed when dealing with bodily fluids (in this case, blood).

Tattoos and piercings really fall into the "pick-your-battles-carefully" category. Most parents have bigger fish to fry (i.e., more serious problems to address).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents