The issue is that she gave oral sex to a boy she knows...

Hello Mark,

Last Friday I sent you an e-mail re snooping on my daughter's myspace and im accounts. You advised me that this was okay. Thank you SO much. But since I am a category 2, ie. stealth mode mom, how do I confront her with the information I've gleaned? I had suggested sending my husband and me an anonymous letter tipping us off as a way to open a dialogue with her. What do you think? The issue is that she gave oral sex to a boy she knows, but doesn't particularly like (this after she did this with her first love this winter who then dumped her, and broke her heart). Since I discovered this most recent event of last week, I snooped again and learned it was possibly two guys, not just the one. Various guys who she knows through school are IMing her and asking her about it, how many times, etc. One guy, who would like to date her but she doesn't want to, asked if they could be "friends with benefits". And her answer was", Idk , maybe!!!!!. In some of the emails and IMs I read she is upset that people know and are talking about it. You mentioned that girls with low self esteem often respond to incidents like the one with her boyfriend this winter by withdrawing socially but she definitely is not-she seems to be self destructing. Please, please, help me to help her. I am just so heartbroken by this and do not know what to do.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

Re: I had suggested sending my husband and me an anonymous letter tipping us off as a way to open a dialogue with her. What do you think?

I think she will deny your “allegations.” Then what will you say (short of telling her that you’ve been snooping – and thus know what the truth REALLY is)?

Rather than trying to catch her in a lie, you may want to talk to her about sex (that’s really what this whole thing is mostly about).

In addition, I would recommend that you simply monitor/limit computer use:

• Do buy some kind of Internet filtering program.
• Do know how to check her Internet History.
• Do start a conversation with your kid about Internet safety.
• Don't let her have a webcam for ANY reason.
• Don't let her have a wireless laptop in their room.
• Don't let her have an Internet accessible computer in their room.
• Make a behavior contract with your daughter. This will enable her to know what you expect of her behavior while online, as well as the consequences for violating the contract.

I've listed some of the best programs on the net that will help you with this dilemma. Check each one out and see which is best for your needs.

· Working secretly in the background, CYBERsitter analyzes all Internet activity. Whenever it detects activity the parent has elected to restrict, it takes over and blocks the activity before it takes place. If desired, CYBERsitter will maintain a complete history of all Internet activity, including attempts to access blocked material. Strictly 32-bit, CYBERsitter 97 is designed for Windows 95 and Windows NT exclusively.

· Net Nanny allows you to deal with: WWW URLs, News Groups, IRC Channels, FTPs, E-mail, Non-Internet BBSs, Words, Phrases, Personal Information (address, credit card no. etc.) It's a complete Internet and PC management tool. Runs with all the major online providers too! Note: Does not currently run on MACs.

· Cyber Patrol allows those responsible for children to restrict access to certain times of day, limit the total time spent on-line in a day, and block access to Internet sites they deem inappropriate. Cyber Patrol also can be used to control access to the major on-line services and to local applications such as games and personal financial managers.

Good luck,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He says he’s not coming back home...

My 16 year old is smoking weed and he knows i have 0 tolerance for this behavior so he moves in with his dad that has major drug issues himself so therefore he has no guidance. What do I do? He says he’s not coming back home and doesn't answer or return my calls.....HELP!!!

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Hi C.,

I would allow him to stay with his father. Of course, it will be highly likely that the two of them will have a major blowout at some point, at which time your son will want to return to your house. Then you’ll have some leverage (i.e., able to enforce the “no pot smoking” policy in your home).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have an 18 year-old daughter who left home for 10 days after an argument...

I have an 18 year-old daughter who left home for 10 days after an argument. We thought she was staying with girlfriends. We found out she was staying with a 26 yr-old boyfriend that we never had met. Our niece told us that he was in jail for drug pushing. He bought her things and gave her a place to stay. I found her walking down the street last night and insisted that she come home. She did and threatened to leave home as soon as she could to be with him - because he makes her happy and does not pressure her like we do. What should be our next move? Should we take away her stuff? In particular her cell phone to try to find a phone number or where this guy lives. Or is it too late since she is legally an adult?

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Hi B.,

Re: What should be our next move?

Help her move out.

Re: Should we take away her stuff?

No. She’s an adult now that needs to begin the process of leaving the nest.

Re: Or is it too late since she is legally an adult?

I think you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about her boyfriend. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to help her move out.

Remember, self-reliance is key. Whenever in doubt, ask yourself, “Will the decision I’m about to make foster the development of self-reliance – or inhibit it?” Clearly, keeping her from moving out will inhibit such development.

I understand you have heard that her “boyfriend” is a pusher. However, she will need to learn some life-lessons and make up her own mind whether or not this guy is the person she really wants to “hang” with. Don’t save her from this opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. She may fall …she may want to return home. If so, let her return briefly – then get busy helping her move out on her own again -- or help her begin college.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Adult Child