Last week he was arrested for shoplifting...

Hi Mark, we have been trying to work through the programme but are having difficulty with consequences, for example to breaking curfews. In the past 2 months, I__ has made new friends that we don't know, is secretive and has decided he can do what he wants. The change was so sudden, we're in shock! Last week he was arrested for shoplifting and today, I got a call from the Transit police saying that he was riding the skytrain without a ticket. The constable said he was heading into a bad area and hanging out with undesirables. We grounded him for three days after the shoplifting but he only stayed home for one day then snuck out again. It seems that we're unable to make the grounding stick and we are alarmed about the changes in him. He seems quite detached, agrees with everything we say and then does what he wants. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

First of all, when teen’s behavior changes radically and suddenly, it is nearly always the case that he/she is experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol – and possibly has already developed a drug habit. Thus, you may have bigger fish to fry than “grounding problems.”

Secondly, he already received a “natural” consequence for shoplifting (just be sure he pays any fines out of his own money). When a teen is caught shoplifting, it is rarely the case that it is the first time. 

Here are a few ways that parents can use shoplifting incidents to teach lessons:

1. “Volunteer” his time at a community agency.
2. Assign him to write a paper on stealing.
3. Have him apologize – in person, in writing, or both – to the people he stole from. If it’s a store, have him apologize to the manager.
4. Make him buy some educational materials to donate to a local school, the police department or a community agency.
5. Make the offender repay the price of the merchandise. If he doesn’t have the money, make him work it off. Be creative.
6. When choosing to limit your child’s privileges, make sure it is something you have control over and can follow through on.

Thirdly, I’m not sure where you live, so I have no way of knowing what the Juvenile Codes (laws) are in your area. In the U.S., the recommendation to parents in your shoes is for them to (a) call police at the time curfew has been violated in order to file a report, (b) go to the local Juvenile Probation Department and file either “runaway” or “incorrigibility” complaints in order to enlist the help of an Officer of the Court, and (c) while the child is running the streets, confiscate everything (e.g., computers, cell phones, junk food, bedroom doors, video games, etc.). 

In worst-case scenarios - and depending on the child’s age - parents have been known to move their child out of the house to go live with a trusted friend, family member, residential facility, etc.

Bottom line: This is serious. You will have to pull the term “tough love” to a whole new level to address this properly.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

He didn't come home last night...

Hi Mark,

From my last email you could see things were progressing well and you said they would get worse before they got better. Anyway, it was the winter formal at the high school last night. A__ asked if he could stay at a friends house after the dance and we said no, we don't want to argue about it.............anyway, he called twice still trying to stay at a friends house, we continued to say no.......So, he didn't come home last night, he was to be home at 1:30am, he had no excuse for not coming back we even told him that we'd pick him up from wherever he was at 1:30am if he didn't have a ride.

So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else? Let me remind you that he was kicked out for not listening to our rules and only allowed to return on Tuesday evening being 3 days ago.

J.

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Hi J.,

First of all, don't be disappointed. Set-backs like this are very common (in fact I would wonder what's wrong if you didn't have any set-backs periodically).

Clearly, staying at the friend's house was very important to him.

Allow him to make these mistakes, then calmly implement the appropriate consequence as outlined in session #3.

Re: So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else?

I am quite concerned that you are leaping ahead in the program. You should still be in session #1. You will learn that we do not start out with 3-days for discipline. It will be best for you to digest most of the material -- and then ask any unanswered questions. Many of the questions you seem to be having here in the early going will be addressed in the eBook.

A good rule of thumb for new members of OPS is as follows:

Handle problems the way you ordinarily would -- until instructed to do it differently.

We must not implement of bunch of new parenting techniques over night. If we do, it will most likely be the kiss of failure. And most parents are really tired of failing.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Speak softly, and carry a big stick...

Hi Mark, I seem to have reached stalemate. We are not having as many arguments as I refuse to get angry and always use my best poker face, however my son has a nasty angry response to every single thing I say, even if it is just hello. The responses are normally "shut up, don't speak to me, I don't want to talk to you, F... off " …I understand this is him just trying to push my buttons, but how can we move on from this. I can't have any conversation. I have tried asking him once per week to join us for dinner, but to no avail (although I will keep going). There is no way he would ever accompany us on an outing. I know we still have a long way to go. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks. S.

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