I realized I had to change my behavior to help him change his...

Hello Mark ...thank you for the welcome e-mail, I just read thru the introduction and the first assignment and I’m already feeling empowered… I have been thru psychologists, psychiatrists, therapist, social workers and alternative medicine… and found no solutions, actually I think it has made matters worse, he uses his so called sickness as an excuse for his behavior. I ended up rewarding him for doing what he was supposed to do and not disciplining him for his bad behavior. I can’t get him to do anything without offering him a reward. I started taking him to the doctors when he was 5 years old and he is now 15. I’m afraid of what these next 3 years will bring my way. He will not do chores, homework, basically anything that I ask him to do. He constantly shows anger towards me and blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. He is not accountable for his actions. He is currently failing in school. I have set-up a teachers conference today, asked the counselor to reach out to him and asked about the schools R.O.C. program or classes.

My decision today to look for another answer came because my son decided he was going to teach me a lesson because I refused to buy him yet another pair of expensive Jordan shoes, he made sure he got to school late yesterday and today he refused to go to school. (this is the first time that he has been this defiant) He threw me out of his room with horrible verbal abuse! I made a decision for the new year that I was going to find a solution to this ever mounting problem, but most importantly I wasn’t going to let him keep playing my buttons, no more anger, no more fear, no more reactions to his behavior. I realized I had to change my behavior to help him change his and with God’s help I found your web site.

Warm regards,

V.

My Out-of-Control Teen

He was very thankful and appreciative to have his privileges back...

Hi Mark,

I just thought I'd give you an update. Our son A__ went out New Year's Eve and arrived home on January 3rd, 2009. He did call though, but we told him that he would have to come home or deal with the consequences (he had no medication or clothes). When he returned home (at 7:15am after partying all night wreaking of smoke and booze - and gasping for air because he is asthmatic and smokes and had no ventolin) we took away, the TV, computer, phone and we locked his bedroom door and made him sleep on a roll-away cot. He bitched and complained that we were doing damage to his back....oh, we also told him 3 square meals a day, no snacking, which was torture because he is 6'3 and eats a lot. Anyway, we went the full 3 days and it's over now. He was very thankful and appreciative to have his privileges back....so that's great!!! It was hard, but we did it. To be honest I broke down once, but then got back with the program (I let him eat something between meals, and I had a whole heart to heart with him - which would have gone better if I'd talked to a wall) and my husband got mad once and yelled at him after I allowed him to eat and he left all his dishes all over and made him get off his cot at 1am and do the dishes. So we worked together as a team and put our poker faces back on.

I have told my Aunt about the program and she is going to sign up too.

J.

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Hi J.,

I really appreciate the update.

You are clearly NOT employing "half-measures." Great job -- and thanks for working the program as it is intended.

To your continued success,

Mark

Online Parent Support

She tells me everything...

Hi Mark,

I have run into a situation I don't really know what to do. I have a 13-year-old daughter and for the most your program is working great. My problem is she is almost too honest with me. She tells me everything. Two weeks ago I noticed her mood was horrible, I asked her if she was smoking pot? She got cranky and 20 minutes later she brings a bud of weed out of her room and told me to get rid of it. She told me where she got it and agrees to not go over there anymore, not happy about it, but accepted it. Now I let her go to another friends for a sleepover and they went to another friends house, she was offered ecstasy? She told me she refused it and so did the girl she went over there with, but the one girl did some. Now I said well, I guess you won't be going over there anymore, I explained I am glad she told me and was proud she made a good decision, now she says well, if that is what I get every time I am honest with you, I am not going to tell you what goes on anymore! Help, I don't want her to shut down on me, but I have trusted her to say no to pot before and she did it. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be calling parents even if I really don't know them? Thanks for your program!

A.

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Hi A.,

Re: "...if that is what I get every time I am honest with you, I am not going to tell you what goes on anymore!"

We reward "telling the truth" with acknowledgment and praise - not by withholding consequences.

Please click here for more info re: lying.

Re: "Should I be calling parents even if I really don't know them?"

Absolutely. Not to chastise you, but I'm a bit surprised you asked such a question. Do NOT trust anything you daughter tells you until you can verify that it is the truth.

Oh ...by the way. I think you may have fallen for a few lines of bullshit when your daughter "acted as if" she was being totally honest with you re: the pot incident and the sleepover.

Strong-willed, out-of-control teens are experts at tricking their parents, thus you should adopt an "extend-trust-after-verification" approach in the future.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen