Oppositional Defiant Disorder: How Parents Can Take Control

If your youngster is belligerent, mouthy and downright disobedient, it's time to take a closer look at the reasons why. All kids go through times when they just will not obey but the youngster with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is one who will never obey and one who will always push the family's boundaries.

The youngster with ODD is an instigator. He loves to poke and prod and do all the tiny things behind the scenes to get his siblings in trouble. He is the youngster that challenges everything you say. Most often this youngster will not have friends.

He may or may not have trouble in the classroom. Many kids with this disorder do fine in school but act out at home. This is generally thought to be because the youngster, understanding at an early age that his behavior is not socially acceptable, can hold it together during class hours but at some point, that youngster will need release. At home, he feels safe and knows he is loved. There is no longer any need for him to hold it all in. When your youngster arrives home from school, he will often scream the entire way from the bus to the house. Once inside, the meltdown escalates until you as a parent find yourself wishing he were still at school.

Thus begins the cycle that every parent of ODD kids can relate to. You feel you are to blame. You doubt your parenting. You feel guilty for wishing the youngster had somewhere else to go. You find yourself depleted, angry and unable to cope.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Following are a few things you can do to cut down on the meltdowns and take control again:

1. Establish a secure and supportive environment. A youngster with ODD needs to have security. He needs to know that mom and dad will always be there for him. He needs to know that no matter how uncontrollable he becomes, you will still love him.

2. Create a schedule and stick with it. Kids need a schedule. This is especially true of the youngster with ODD. He needs to know what comes next in his day. The surest way to a meltdown and uncontrollable behavior is the lack of a schedule. These kids want to know that everything follows a certain order. You may want to give your youngster his own calendar so he can track his own appointments. Use a schedule for chores and schoolwork. Your ODD youngster craves organization.

3. Set up clear and concise boundaries. Your youngster must know what will happen if he pulls his sister's hair, or breaks all the toys in his bedroom in a fit of rage. Determine the behaviors that cause the most strife in your household and write them down. Choose three or four of them to work on. Sit down with your youngster and have him help you draw up a plan. The plan should state the unwanted behavior and then the consequence of engaging in that behavior:

o Biting: 10-minute time-out.

o Breaking toys: Favorite toy gets taken away for three days.

o Kicking: 10-minute time-out.

o Temper tantrum: Half hour in bedroom to get control of himself.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Be consistent. You will need to mete out the exact same discipline every time your youngster breaks the rule. If you carry through one time and you don't the next, the youngster will feel that he is in control. The most important thing to a youngster with ODD is to control those around him. If you let him have control, you will have lost any chance of him obeying you. Consistency is key!

5. Never shout or get angry with your youngster. A youngster with ODD literally shuts down when being yelled at. He cannot hear you. This phenomenon is discussed at length in The Explosive Child. Keep your voice gentle but firm, soft but authoritative.

Remember that ODD is a disorder. Your youngster may want to obey and he may try very hard to obey, but he just can't summon up that sort of self-control. You can help him control his behavior by controlling his environment. Your youngster is not out to get you or to make your life miserable. When you can see ODD as a disorder rather than blatant defiance, it may be easier to put the tools in place that will help your youngster and your family live in harmony.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Disrespect, breaking curfew, grades slipping...

Before my daughter started hanging around with 2 particular girls in her 2nd year of high school, our relationship was OK. Slowly things got bad to worse. Disrespect, breaking curfew, grades slipping …the whole gamut. Now she is out of high school and luckily will be starting college in the fall. Using the OPS program has helped and I wish I would have known about it 2 years ago.

Thank you for your e-mail and encouragement...

Hello Mark,

Thank you for your e-mail and encouragement.

I am going through all the weekly sessions very carefully, reading everything, watching everything and implementing it as guided. We are now in week 2 and I would like only to say how I am getting on with the situations with the help of the programme.

Literally, I would say that I feel like learning how to play a piano. I have the notes in front of me, I have my teacher and now it is just up to me how I am going to perform. What I have figured out for myself is that:

-I need to know my notes very well, read again and again and try to get to the very inside of the 'music';

-I need to shape myself in a way which is going to help me to touch the keyboard with the right intensity-not too strong, not too quick, but just right, allowing me to live with the music and to feel it....

If I miss something, music sounds false. That is what happened one day when I forgot to praise my child for his good behaviour at school, but I did not forget to put restrictions on him because he did not obey and took a pound from my purse in front of me when I told him that I was not going to give him pocket money for that day for another reason. After school that day we had supper together (that happened rarely before) and he helped me cook and prepare table, but immediately afterwards decided to try his old tricks again. As I was sitting on the sofa he made a stick of a cardboard and started tapping it on my head saying 'Why are you like that? Stop listening to that people that telling you to behave in this way. I want you to get back to what you were...I do not want any changes...'I felt really upset but I did not show it. I calmly said that what he was doing was unacceptable and that we needed to sit and talk more about that. He continued for a while and then eventually we sat and talked again. I realise that my son was scared of the measures that I implemented. I explained that everything I did was to help him.

On the following day he got up and said to me 'I am normal again... 'but did not get any pocket money that morning because of his behaviour and did accept my decision without any problems. Then later on that day when I read and watched everything in the program again, I realised that I did not react to my son's good behaviour at school at all and I remembered how proud he was to show me his school report...

That day I got a phone call from my son's school to tell me how good had his behaviour been lately...I did not have anything else to do but I bought his favourite tart for dessert and we had a good evening including that he also helped with cooking and tidied his wardrobe. I did not forget to tell him that I loved him...

This is one more opportunity also to thank you again, Mark.

Kind Regards,

K.

My Out-of-Control Teen