When and How to Ignore Misbehavior

When your youngster misbehaves, are you sometimes unsure how to react? Do you ever wonder whether it’s better to put an immediate stop to the bad behavior, or just ignore it altogether? You’re not alone. Most moms and dads face this dilemma. They’re not certain if it’s worth the trouble to confront the behavior rather than simply ride it out – and they worry that their attempt to change the behavior may only encourage more of it.

To preserve parental sanity, sometimes you will need to run a tight ship in certain situations. In other areas, you will need to be more lax. Wise parents learn to ignore “minors” and concentrate on “majors.” A “minor” is a behavior that’s irritating, but doesn't harm humans, animals, or property – and even if uncorrected, does not lead to a “major.” This type of behavior-problem will most often correct itself with time and maturity. “Selective ignoring” helps your youngster learn to respect the limits of a parent's job description (e.g., "I don't do petty arguments").

One evening, two 8-year-olds were playing in their front yard, and they got into an argument over who was going to hide first in a game of hide-and-seek. No one was getting hurt. They tried to drag their father into the drama. He simply said, "You boys are too big to act like little kids. What difference does it make who hides first. I'm not getting involved." Then he walked away. The children got the point and settled the problem themselves.

As it turns out, the best course of action depends on the nature of the behavior problem. To help you determine your response, here are three questions you can ask yourself (your answers will help you decide whether it’s wisest to ignore your child’s behavior, or to take action):

• Is it bothering other people?
• Is it undermining your authority?
• Is this behavior dangerous to your youngster or someone else?

Let’s apply these questions to two different scenarios:

Scenario #1— Your next-door neighbor has gone on vacation for the week, so no one is home at the time. Your 6-year-old son decides to jump the fence and play with the dog in this neighbor’s backyard.

Now, ask yourself the three questions:

1. Is it bothering other people? Potentially. Home-owners typically don’t like people on their property while they’re gone.
2. Is it undermining your authority? Yes. He didn’t ask permission to go over there.
3. Is this behavior dangerous? Potentially. There’s nobody over there to monitor your child’s activities.

Scenario #2— Your family has decided to go out to eat for dinner. Your child declares he only wants macaroni and cheese – nothing else! Despite your best efforts, your child refuses to consider any other food item on the menu and begins to whine and pout. Should you continue trying to persuade him to eat something more substantial?

Again, ask yourself the three questions:

1. Is it bothering other people? No. He’s not screaming, after all.
2. Is it undermining your authority? Not really.
3. Is the whining and pouting dangerous? No.

In this case, it’s best to ignore the behavior. By doing so, you don’t reward your child’s poor behavior with your attention. Instead, simply place your order and go ahead with the meal. When your child stops whining and pouting, you can order for him. If he doesn’t stop, he misses out on a good meal, in which case he doesn’t have to eat the dreaded green beans that he was not in the mood for – but he also doesn’t get the mac n’ cheese. This technique may strike some parents as a bit harsh, but it works. Kids quickly learn that they can’t manipulate their moms and dads with whining and pouting.

You will discover that harmless (yet annoying) behaviors occur less frequently as your tolerance-level widens and as your reactions don't reinforce the child's misbehavior. It's helpful to get some practice in “selective ignoring” during the early years of your kid's life to prepare you for the challenges yet to come (e.g., a teen’s unconventional dress and hairstyles, loud music, and moody behaviors).

NOTE: Ignoring undesirable behaviors works best if you often praise desirable behaviors. Also, ignore the misbehavior, not the child.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

USING PRAISE: How to Avoid the Pitfalls

Every parent has heard about how important “praising a child’s good behavior” is. But not all parents know how to effectively use this parenting tool. Here are some of the DOs and DON’Ts when it comes to the use of praise:

1. As an exercise in praise-giving, write down how many times you “praised” and how many times you “disapproved of” your youngster in the last 24 hours. We will call these approvals versus disapprovals. If your approvals don't significantly outnumber your disapprovals, you are molding your youngster in the wrong direction.

2. Before you praise, try to read your youngster's body language to see whether the youngster feels the job is praiseworthy: "Dad, look at my math assignment I did at school today …I got a 'B+'." If he approaches you enthusiastically, displaying his assignment for all to see, this youngster deserves praise that shares his excitement. If he pulls the paper out of his schoolbag and tosses it on the floor, praise may not be in order at this time.

3. Don’t use praise with a hidden agenda. For example, if you tell your daughter that you really like her purple sweater (but you’re saying this because you hate the low-cut blouse she has on), your daughter may see right through your praise and discount it immediately – and to make matters worse, she may not trust future praises that come out of your mouth.

4. Excessive praise will give kids the message that obedience and good behavior are optional. It's better to give your youngster the message that he is doing exactly what you expect, not something out of the ordinary. Kids are programmed to meet your expectations. Sometimes all that is needed for you to break a negative cycle is to expect good behavior. Treat them as if they really are going to choose right. When moms and dads don't expect obedience, they generally don't get it.

5. For quick praises, try "Great job!" or "Way to go!" or "Yesss!" To avoid the "I'm valued by my performance" trap, acknowledge the act and let the youngster conclude the act is praiseworthy. If you praise every other move the youngster makes, she will either get addicted to praise, or wonder why you are so desperate to make her feel good about herself. Be realistic. You don't have to praise, or even acknowledge, things she just does for the joy of it, for her own reasons.

6. Kids with weak self-worth have difficulty giving and receiving compliments. They are so hung up on how they imagine the receiver will take their compliment that they clam up …and they feel so unworthy of any compliment that they shrug off the compliment and ignore the person giving the compliment. If you are like that as a person, learn to give and take a compliment yourself so that you can model this to your youngster.

7. Making-up fake accolades is a ‘no-no’. The youngster will see through them and begin to question even genuine praise.

8. Molding your child’s behavior through praise works well if you have a specific behavior goal that you want to reach (e.g., stopping complaining). Initially, you may feel like you are acknowledging nearly every good behavior your child exhibits (e.g., "I like your positive attitude"). Eventually, as the complaining subsides, the immediate need for praise lessens (of course, a booster shot is needed for relapses) and you move on to molding another behavior.

9. Pay attention to the “when-things-are-not-going-wrong” moments. For example, when the house is quite and everybody is doing exactly what they should be doing, acknowledge their “lack of bad behavior” with praise.

10. Praise the behavior, not the person. Praise like "good boy" risks misinterpretation and is best reserved for training your dog. These labels are too heavy for some kids. ("If I don't do well, does that mean I'm bad?") Better is: "You did a good job cleaning your room." "That's a good decision." The youngster will see that the praise is sincere since you made the effort to be specific – it shows that you're paying attention.

11. Praises lose their punch if you freely hand them out for usual and expected behavior, but when the youngster who habitually has a tantrum finally responds appropriately, that's praiseworthy.

12. Simply acknowledge expected behavior, rather than pouring on praise. Acknowledgment is dispassionate praise that molds a youngster to please himself rather than perform for approval.

13. Teach your youngster to be comfortable giving and receiving compliments. Tell your youngster, "What a strong boy you are" or "How cute you look in those shoes!" Eye and body contact during your delivery reinforces the sincerity of your acknowledgment. Make sure you're sincere. When you hear your kids complimenting one another, compliment yourself for your modeling.

14. Change the delivery of your praises. As you pass by the open door of the cleaner room, say: "Good job!" Show with body language a thumbs-up signal for the youngster who dresses himself. Written praises are great for large families. They show extra care. Private praises help, too. Leave little "nice job" notes on pillows, yellow "post-its" on homework, messages that convey that you noticed and that you are pleased.

15. While appropriately-used praise can mold behavior, it's not the only way to reinforce good behavior. In some ways it's superficial. Praise is an external motivator. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—inner motivation. For example, you may praise good grades and always motivate your kids by planting the idea that good grades are one ticket to success. But you should always temper your praise with "How do you feel about your report card? We want you to get good grades mainly because it makes you happy." When possible, turn the focus back on the youngster's feelings. You will achieve the best results with praise by setting the conditions that help kids know how and when to praise themselves.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Siblings Fight: Tips for Parents

While many children are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it's common for brothers and sisters to fight – and to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other.

Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second youngster is born, and continues as the children grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. As children reach different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another.

It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch and hear your children fight with one another. A household that's full of conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your household and help your children get along.

Why Do They Fight?

Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also might influence how often children fight and how severe the fighting gets. These include:

1. It's natural for children' changing needs, anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings, and are learning to assert their will, which they'll do at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the toddler's toy, the older youngster may react aggressively.

2. School-age children often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so they might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like one youngster gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and might resent helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together. All of these differences can influence the way children fight with one another.

3. Sometimes, a youngster's special needs due to illness or learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Other children may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear of what's happening to the other youngster.

4. The way that moms and dads resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for children. So if you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive, you increase the chances that your kids will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your children see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

5. Your children' individual temperaments, including mood, disposition, adaptability, and their unique personalities, play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one youngster is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often get into it. Similarly, a youngster who is especially clingy and drawn to moms and dads for comfort and love might be resented by siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.

When the Fighting Starts—

While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it's certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict. So what should you do when the fighting starts?

Whenever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The children may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one youngster that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued children may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.

If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" children through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the children.

Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your children, not for them.

When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:

• Don't put too much focus on figuring out which youngster is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.
• Try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each youngster gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.
• Separate children until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.

Remember, as children cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.

What Moms and Dads Can Do—

Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:

1. Be proactive in giving your children one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another youngster likes to sit and read, make time for that too.

2. Don't let children make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.

3. Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your children to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many children fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.

4. If fights between your school-age children are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the children earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.

5. If your kids frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which youngster "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)

6. Let them know that they are safe, important, and loved, and that their needs will be met.

7. Make sure children have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.

8. Recognize when children just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one youngster is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.

9. Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the children that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches children that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."

10. Show and tell your children that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.

Keep in mind that sometimes children fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents