Making Summer Vacation a Positive Experience

For teenagers, summer is the highlight of the year – no responsibilities, sleeping in until noon, a kitchen full of food, and the sweet smell of independence. Many moms and dads work full-time throughout the summer; some go on vacation and leave adolescents with an easygoing relative or friend; and some older adolescents are even left alone when moms and dads are away. All of the structure and scheduling that occurs during the school year turns into unadulterated freedom in the summer.

For moms and dads, the start of summer means the countdown to September is on. As yet another school year comes to a close, mothers/fathers are making last-minute plans to keep their adolescents occupied for three long months. Sure, a few weeks may be spent on a family vacation, some adolescents may attend summer school, and others may take up a new hobby. But that still leaves hours each day and days each week when adolescents are home with nothing to do. How many days can you invent amusing activities and outings that will keep your adolescent out of trouble?

With less structure and adult supervision, the summer is ripe with opportunities for adolescents to fall into a bad crowd, experiment with drugs or alcohol, or get into other forms of mischief. If your adolescent has been struggling during the school year, more trouble may be awaiting you in summer. Adolescents are looking for adventure, risk, and excitement, especially in the summer. Being bored at home is the exact opposite of what they need. They will find a way to take risks and live adventurously with or without your support and guidance.

Kids and teens that are not supervised are more likely to commit crimes, be victims of crimes, do drugs, or hang out with gang members. Young people start committing crimes around noon during the summer, compared to 3 p.m. during the school year. In addition, adolescents tend to commit drug crimes later in the evening during the summer, most likely because they can stay out later without worrying about getting up early for school. This means adolescents need constructive activities to occupy a broader range of time in summer than during the school year. For working moms and dads, it's difficult to be around from noon until late in the evening every day.

More adolescents try marijuana for the first time in summer than at any other time of year. This translates into 6,300 new users each day, a 40 percent increase in first-time youth marijuana use during June and July as compared to the rest of the year. A hike in new underage drinkers and cigarette smokers also occurs during the summer months.

By taking proper precautions and planning ahead, moms and dads can make summer vacation a positive and memorable growth experience for adolescents. Where should parents begin? Two words: Summer camp. Yes, there is cost involved, but for most struggling adolescents, the benefits are well worth the price.

Most adolescents want nothing more than a summer to hang out with their friends. However, for adolescents that are acting out, falling behind in school, disrespecting authority figures, or getting in trouble with the law, a break from negative peer influences may be exactly what they need. Sometimes the best thing for the whole family is to take a break, with a struggling adolescent attending camp to learn new skills and ways of approaching family conflict, and family members doing their own work at home.

There is no better way to make constructive use of free time than learning something new - a new skill, exploring an unfamiliar place, meeting new people. Therapeutic wilderness programs offer a unique opportunity for troubled adolescents to explore the wilderness on foot, learn primitive life skills, and participate in challenging group activities. When stripped of the comforts of home, like television, computers, and video games, adolescents connect with themselves and others on a deeper level.

Wilderness camps emphasize responsibility, self-awareness, teamwork, and communication, and challenge adolescents to achieve their personal best. Adolescents are introduced to a new group of peers and learn to relate to people of all backgrounds. They live in a structured, highly supervised environment, which helps adolescents gain perspective on life at home and build self-confidence and hope for a brighter future.

If summer camps and wilderness programs aren't right for your adolescent, consider getting him or her involved in volunteer work. Animal shelters, halfway houses, nursing homes, churches, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and other organizations can keep adolescents occupied while developing a sense of purpose, self-confidence, and personal responsibility. In addition to teaching adolescents the joy of giving back, volunteer work looks great on college applications and resumes.

Another activity to keep adolescents busy this summer is a part-time job. Many moms and dads find internships or small tasks for their kids to do at their place of employment, or you can help your adolescent apply to local grocery stores, restaurants, retail stores, local car washes, or pet care facilities. Adolescents can also earn extra money babysitting, doing yard work, house-sitting, and other odd jobs. Part-time work helps adolescents budget, make friends, comply with authority, develop a strong work ethic, and learn the value of a dollar.

Keeping your youngster busy for the sake of being busy can be as disastrous as doing nothing. Your adolescent may rebel against the cluttered schedule and seek out more interesting people and places on his own. Your money would be put to better use in a summer camp with a clear, focused goal, such as a wilderness camp or weight-loss camp.

Moms and dads who are seeing early signs of behavioral or emotional problems in their kids have an excellent opportunity to get their children back on track during summer vacation. Waiting to address these issues until the summer has started or problems become serious would do a disservice to your adolescent. Start talking with your adolescent at least a month before the start of summer vacation to make plans, reserve a place at camp, and coordinate schedules.

More Tips for Making Summer Vacation a Positive Experience:

1. A stagnant economy may make the summer job search a bit more difficult than usual. But if your adolescent is serious about looking for summer work, encourage her to find (or create) a job that she can do during the morning (e.g., if she starts a lawn-mowing business, encourage her to schedule her appointments for the morning, before the hottest part of the day).

2. From volunteer experiences to summer internships to organized sports, summer vacation is an excellent time for adolescents to explore topics that interest them, but that they may not have the opportunity to delve into during the school year. If your adolescent enjoys sports, summer vacation is a great time to participate in a league or take part in a short-term skills camp. For adolescents who are interested in sports but who don't want to play, many youth leagues are always on the lookout for officials, scorekeepers, and coaches. If your family's financial situation is such that paid employment isn't a requirement for your adolescent during summer vacation, think about volunteer work or an unpaid internship. In addition to boosting your adolescent's college resume, these opportunities can also give your adolescent real-world work experience and insights into a career field that she is interested in.

3. Summer camp opportunities today include computer camp, finance camp, theater camp, wilderness camp, space camp, adventure camp, and many more. In addition to topic-centered summer camps, experienced professionals also operate innovative summer camps that are designed to support, motivate, and provide a memorable summer experience for all types of adolescents, including overweight kids and kids with learning disabilities, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and certain types of autism. In addition to providing a nurturing and accepting environment, weight loss summer camps and summer camps for special students can provide long-term educational, emotional, and therapeutic benefits for these kids.

4. If your adolescent has a history of behavior problems, defiance, substance abuse, or related challenges, summer vacation can be a difficult time both for him and for you. In the absence of the structure and support that is provided during the school year, summer vacation can cause significant backsliding in the behaviors of troubled adolescents and at-risk adolescents. To avoid these problems – and to turn summer vacation from a negative experience into a positive educational opportunity – educate yourself about the many therapeutic wilderness programs for troubled adolescents that have been established over the past few decades. In addition to helping your adolescent with issues related to behavior, mental health, and substance abuse, a summer wilderness program for troubled adolescents can also instill leadership values, personal responsibility, and a heightened sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

5. If your adolescent is a swimmer (or wants to learn), sign her up for morning lessons or a community team that practices during the a.m. hours. If your adolescent needs an academic boost, find a morning tutoring program (which serves the dual purpose of getting him out of bed and getting the "painful" part of the day out of the way).

6. If your adolescent wants some freedom during his summer vacation days, trade afternoon hours for morning chores. The benefits: Your adolescent is awake, your household chores are taken care of, and there's no daylong back and forth about what needs to be done. If the chores are done by a pre-determined time, afternoon activities are allowed; if the work isn't done, the afternoon schedule is curtailed or called off.

7. Realistically, handing your adolescent a schedule of morning chores, activities, and work assignments is not going to end your summer vacation stress. But anything you can do to encourage your adolescent to buy into (or take ownership of) the summer plan will make the process go much smoother. Sit down with your adolescent and discuss your hopes and plans for summer vacation. Perhaps you can trade hours (morning chores for afternoon fun), or maybe you can ease some restrictions (for example, an extended curfew) in exchange for desired behaviors (phoning home at predetermined times when out of the house, or completing a certain number of chores). In addition to reducing your adolescent's resistance to the summer vacation schedule, negotiating will make enforcement of punishments a bit more palatable, too, because your adolescent will know the penalty before he violated the rule.

There's a good chance that a significant portion of your adolescent's summer dreams involve, well, dreaming. From post-noon wake-ups to midday naps, extended snooze sessions can be among summer's most enticing opportunities for sleep-deprived, school-stressed adolescents. While there's no reason to insist that your adolescent rise with the sun during summer vacation, there are more than a few justifications for opposing a "wake me for dinner" mentality.

Don't just get by this summer, counting down the days until September. Wasted time is a wasted opportunity. A bold and exciting summer vacation can be a life-changing time of continued learning and personal exploration for adolescents.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens and Chore Refusal

Have you ever asked your teenager to do something only to (a) get into a heated argument about it, and (b) end up having to do the task yourself?  Have you often felt that it would be easier - and a lot less painful - to simply go beat your head against a brick wall rather than to ask your teenager to do a simple chore? If so, you are not alone.

There are many reasons why adolescents lack motivation to do what moms and dads want them to do. Here are the main reasons:

1. Grow-ups need to be kind and firm while holding adolescents accountable—once they have agreed upon a plan. It is just as easy to be kind with friendly reminders as it is to use unkind lectures. Actually it is easier, because everyone feels better and the job gets done without a power struggle. Understanding that it is easier and more effective is the hard part. Where did grow-ups every get the crazy idea that in order to make adolescents do better, first they have to make them feel worse.

2. Kids aren't allowed to explore the relevance for themselves of what you want. They are "told", but they don't explore. How many parents "tell" their kids what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it? It is much more effective to ask "curiosity questions".

3. Moms and dads are more interested in short-term results than long-term results. For example, “I'll make you do your homework now—even if it means you will never do your best because you are too busy rebelling.”

4. Moms and dads don't allow their kids to learn from failure — an excellent motivator. One of the best ways to help kids learn to be responsible (motivated) is to be consciously irresponsible. Allow them to fail and then be empathetic and help them explore the consequences of their choices through curiosity questions: What happened? What do you think caused that? How are you feeling about it? What could you do in the future if you want another outcome? How can I support you?

5. Moms and dads don't help kids learn time management skills through involving them in the creation of routine charts. The key words are "involving them."

6. Moms and dads don't know how to say, "I love you, and the answer is no."

7. Moms and dads don't teach their kids problem-solving skills through family meetings and individual barnstorming sessions.

8. Moms and dads expect adolescents to "remember to do their chores" as though it were an indicator of responsibility. Most responsible grow-ups were not necessarily responsible adolescents. Even though adolescents are "more" motivated to follow a plan they have helped create, they will still forget because it is not high on their list of priorities. This does not mean they are irresponsible. It means they are adolescents. A friendly reminder doesn't have to be a big deal. Use your sense of humor and remind with your mouth shut. Point, use charades, or write a note. If you have to say something, ask, "What was our agreement?"

9. Moms and dads give their kids too many things and then wonder why they fail to be appreciative and instead just want more, more, and more.

10. Moms and dads nag and invite resistance.

11. Regarding motivation to do chores, homework, manners, coming home on time, etc.: Adolescents are too often “told” instead of “invited” to brainstorm and come up with solutions that works for everyone. Adolescents are much more motivated to follow a plan they have helped create.

12. Adolescents feel "conditionally loved" -- "I'm okay only if I live up to your expectations, get good grades, and excel in sports." This hurts, and some adolescents get revenge by failing. Others may become approval addicts.

Chores—

There are lots of reasons why teenagers refuse to do chores around the house. You can solicit your teen’s help and get cooperation if you keep these top five “reasons-for-refusal” - and their solutions - in mind:

1. It's boring. Solution: Develop relevant chores with good paybacks. Think beyond dishes and laundry. What does your teenager do well? What does he like to do? Researching a family purchase on-line or buying groceries with use of the car may appeal much more and produce less stress for all involved.

2. The request wasn't attractive. Solution: Put on a smile and compose yourself before asking. Use positive words. Forgive the past. Frame the request in terms your teenager finds agreeable as opposed to confrontational.

3. They don't think it is important or worthy of their time. Solution: You will have a better response if you link their chores to something they value. A request to clean up a bedroom is far more likely to generate a positive outcome if the teenager has asked to have a sleepover first.

4. You asked too many times. Solution: Too many times equals nagging and nobody likes to be nagged. To avoid repeating yourself, consider improving your presentation skills.

5. You forgot to ask their permission. Solution: Would you demand from a friend? Probably not, if you wanted to remain their friend. Children like to be asked and shown respect.

As your awareness and communicating skill grows, you will notice increased help and a positive response when you ask your teenager to do chores. Here are some tips:

1. Being a family is a cooperative effort. Tackling a chore such as sweeping the deck and cleaning up the backyard helps adolescents understand that they can give back. Teaching shared chores is a real kindness you can do for your child. Assign tasks for each family member, always remembering to say thanks and praise your adolescent for a job well done. Parents need to remind themselves to be grateful and appreciative of their children’s efforts.

2. If you can’t stand how your son consistently leaves his towel on the bedroom floor after his shower, tell him. But don’t load on other chores at the same time. Start with one thing. Say, “if you keep throwing your towel on the floor, you’ll have to stay home Friday night,” and leave it at that. And make sure the chores you assign accommodate your children’s schedules. A school night after a sports practice and a test looming the next day is not the best time to expect chores to be completed.

3. Keep chores gender neutral. Many families are stuck in stereotypical role assignments (e.g., kitchen chores for daughters, taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn for sons, etc.). Instead, teach your son to cook and do laundry; show your daughter how to wash the car and rake leaves.

4. Let your adolescents have input into which tasks they feel they can complete on their timetable and according to their level of skills and abilities.

5. Once you give your adolescent a new chore, assume he or she does not know how to complete it. If you demonstrate the right way to do a chore, such as making a bed—for example, showing where clean linens are kept, how to tuck in sheets and put a pillow into its case—it will probably get done more or less the way you’d like.

6. Pay, if a chore is particularly difficult. If it goes above and beyond what’s usually asked, most experts agree it is perfectly appropriate to pay your adolescent to do it.

7. Test scores, relationship ups and downs, or preparing for college admissions can send the best-natured adolescent into a funk. But, just as adults can’t shirk their duties because they’re having a bad day, adolescents should be expected to follow through on their regular chores even when times are tough. Actually, a chore can give an adolescent an anchor when things aren’t going well at school or socially. Taking the dog for a walk has nothing to do with an A or a B, and can serve as a welcome distraction.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Disrespect: 15 Tips for Parents

If you have a disrespectful teenager, don’t give up! Below are some highly effective techniques you can start implementing that will greatly diminish disrespectful behavior. While not all of these strategies will work in every situation or with every teenager, most parents who have practiced the following techniques report significant improvements in their child’s general attitude and behavior:

1. As much as this sounds like bribery, adolescents will react positively when they realize there is something in it for them. That doesn't mean for every good report card or every goal scored they should get money or gifts. But maybe after maintaining consistent good grades or following house rules, lighten their chore load or give them a later curfew. It's these things that matter the most to an adolescent after all, while giving them a little leeway here and there will show them that you recognize their efforts and hard work.

2. Generally, moms and dads should ignore the mildly disrespectful things that their children do (e.g., eye rolling, stomping up the stairs, muttering about how life isn’t fair, sighing dramatically, slamming their bedroom door, etc.). 

 

==> Help for Parents with Disrespectful Children and Teens

3. If an adolescent breaks the rules at home or at school, the initial reaction of a mother/father will be to punish them in some way. Although he or she should not get off scot-free, it's essential to try and create a rational punishment that both mother/father and youngster can agree on, or at least a punishment that moms and dads know they can control. For example, your adolescent may break curfew or get poor grades. Saying that they're grounded for a month (or longer) is not going to work. Why? One of the most important aspects of an adolescent's life is being part of the social scene; going out with their friends and not feeling like they've missed anything. So no matter how strict you are, your young person will find a way to sneak out and go where they please. Of course if they get caught, this will most likely lead to more fighting and stricter rules, which will probably be broken again, and the cycle goes on. Want a more modern punishment that will really work? Take away their cell phone.

4. Be willing to follow through. You cannot just threaten to take away your disrespectful adolescent’s cell phone; if the behavior continues, you actually have to do it. No, you do not have to wrestle the phone out of your adolescent’s hand. Simply call the company and suspend the service. You will make your point, and in most cases, your disrespectful adolescent will choose respect over lack of privilege.

5. It is a mother/father's first instinct to worry when their son or daughter doesn't answer the phone, doesn't call that often, or isn't home all the time. While it's perfectly normal to worry, you should also remember that your adolescent is a person to, with a life of their own. Because it's never a good thing to be known as the "crazy" mom or dad who calls everyone in their phone book at 4 AM looking for their son/daughter, it's a good idea to set up some basic rules to avoid this situation. For instance, before your adolescent goes out, ask them where they're going and when they plan on being home. Make it understood that if their plans change, i.e., they plan on sleeping over a friend's house or staying out later, they simply must call to let you know. If you need to tell your son/daughter something and have a cell phone, text them instead of calling. If your adolescent is at a party or out with friends, they aren't going to want to openly answer their phone to a bugging mother/father with a million questions. Texts are more private and to the point. If there is an emergency at home, then call them. Try and make this routine so both mother/father and youngster will agree to have some communication, without the mother/father being overbearing.

6. Moms and dads may shudder at the thought of their son/daughter having sex, using drugs, failing school, an even being unpopular. But these days, such issues cannot be avoided. While perhaps the hardest part of being an adolescent lies in making decisions that will change them for better or worse, moms and dads should know that they can have a positive influence on their youngster if they approach the issues correctly. For example, instead of saying "don't have sex" or "drugs are bad," tell them what could happen to them if they do have unprotected sex or abuse drugs. I guarantee a picture of an STD or (for girls) the thought of having a baby will make them think more than a command will. If you know your adolescent is sexually active, ask them if they're using condoms and even sneak some into their purse or wallet if you can. This may seem a stretch for some moms and dads, while others may feel it equates to giving their adolescent permission to have sex. But, if your adolescent isn't having sex now, he/she will be one day, and it is better to take this approach instead of pretending sex doesn't exist. In addition, for all of those old-fashioned moms and dads out there, you should know that the good old fashion "sex talk" doesn't work. Taking the "safe sex" route is always more effective than "no sex" because it shows your children you are aware of what they're going through, making you one less adult in their life that doesn't understand.

7. No matter how much you want to know where your son/daughter is and who they're with every second of the day, you simply can't. In the same manner, you can't expect your son/daughter to be open with you about everything going on in their life. As harmless as it may seem to an adult to invade their adolescent's privacy every now and then, to an adolescent it is a line that should not be crossed. No matter what good intentions a mother/father may have, once they cross this line they will notice their son/daughter is less and less open about even the simple things, like how they did on a test or how soccer practice went. You can't expect an adolescent to be open with you if you go out of your way to be sneaky or nosy in their personal life. If you want to win their trust, sometimes it's the little things that count, such as knocking before you enter their room or not interrupting them if they're on the phone. Remember, everyone needs their space.

 

==> Help for Parents with Disrespectful Children and Teens

8. Often, as moms and dads, you might feel as though you are obligated to remain engaged with your adolescent no matter what. Whether you feel you have to have the last word or you have to keep pushing until your adolescent acknowledges your point, you may be suffering through more disrespectful behavior than you need to. If you are having a conversation (argument) with your adolescent and frustrated about the way the conversation is going, or if you do not want to allow the conversation to escalate into an argument, then you have to learn that it is ok to walk away. If your disrespectful adolescent is attempting to engage you in an argument or trying to get his or her way on something, firmly and quietly repeat your decision, then let them know you will not continue the conversation, and walk away. Even if you have to leave the room, lock yourself in your bedroom, and jog in place to burn off the frustration, it is better than continuing to engage your adolescent on that level.

9. One of the main reasons kids and adolescents are disrespectful is because they have been indulged and spoilt, not taught how to disagree in an assertive manner. Disrespect is rife in homes where moms and dads have been permissive in bringing up their kids and where there are few firm rules set for appropriate behavior. It is easy for the youngster to push the boundaries and behave in a disrespectful way because they know no different and believe that kind of behavior would be appropriate and accepted. In these permissive homes, the adolescents are often confused by the inconsistency in their treatment and bad behavior is their way of rebelling against this. The best tips here are to be firm but fair with the youngster from as early as possible in their life, to be consistent but flexible with rules and to ensure that the boundaries for good behavior are kept in place, and with some discretion. Every step along the way, make sure that adolescents are taught appropriate ways of asking for what they desire, disagreeing with decisions made and being able to deal with rejection. Those coping skills will then become routine in their behavior and help to make them more confident, especially in the more competitive adult world.

10. Remember that adolescents have their own world of problems. To them minuscule drama is equated to grown-ups not being able to pay the bills. They are not concerned with real life problems yet. However, on the same note realize they do have to deal with serious issues that grown-ups easily may have forgotten about, from self-esteem to sex to drugs. Just remember to be there for them without being judgmental.

11. Respect, disrespect and compliance are often issues that become entangled between moms and dads and children. Moms and dads have a right to expect compliance from all the kids who are living in their house, even if that youngster is 22 years old. Often, the friction is caused by a child’s legitimate need to become more independent as he develops. This is precisely where moms and dads and adolescents come into conflict: the mother/father wants compliance and the child wants independence. Now let’s take it one step further: When the child doesn’t comply, the mother/father feels disrespected—and they make the mistake of personalizing that feeling. I think that adolescents have to learn to solve the problem of compliance in healthy ways. But moms and dads also need to understand that many times, their youngster’s small acts of rebelliousness come from the fact that they want to be independent—it has nothing to do with disrespect.

12. Some moms and dads easily mistake their youngster's ranting and raving as a direct attack upon them as authority figures. However, for some adolescents, venting is their way of talking and being open without feeling vulnerable. Most adolescents don't feel comfortable opening up to moms and dads about personal issues and some never will. Instead of trying to force them to open up or asking mundane questions like "How was your day," try and direct your questions towards their needs. For example, if their complaining about how hard their math homework is, offer to help them with it. If they are yelling about how their life sucks and there's never anything to do, offer to drive them and their friends to the movies or the mall. In essence, kill them with kindness.

 

==> Help for Parents with Disrespectful Children and Teens

13. Sometimes adolescents are disrespectful toward moms and dads because they are emotionally hurting and in pain. Many kids hurt for lots of reasons that their moms and dads are not even aware of. Often the moms and dads get the stick simply for being there, because there is no one else to blame. The youngster could be bullied, or being abused in some way, or has fallen out with peers, and disrespect to a mother/father makes up for the lack of support and good feeling the adolescent may perceive are missing. The best way to deal with this aspect is to talk to them often about their day, show concern for their life and activities without being intrusive. Wait until they are ready to open up. Be sensitive to when they might be unusually quiet or pre-occupied and be there for them when you sense they need your comfort.

14. You owe your adolescent a roof over his/her head, food to eat, and your love. Everything else (cell phones, video games, internet access, cable, free time with friends, money for the dance on Friday night, dating, a car, etc) are all EXTRAs. It might not seem like that sometimes, but if you start recognizing that each of the items your adolescent holds dear is most likely a want and not a necessity, then you can offer your disrespectful adolescent a choice. If your adolescent chooses to treat you and the other members of your family with respect and follow the house rules, then there will be privileges to have. If your adolescent chooses to behave disrespectfully, that behavior is a demonstration of a lack of maturity and privileges can be denied or removed from the adolescent’s life.

15. You would think that the golden rule would be ingrained in the minds of grown-ups from a young age, however it's surprising to see how many moms and dads call their children disrespectful and then react the same way themselves. For example, if your young person screams and yells at you rudely, do you yell back? Do you shut them down with "you're grounded" and slam the door? It's important to remember that communication is critical in any relationship and of course, the relationship with your adolescent son/daughter is going to be one of the hardest you'll have to maintain. Try to respect them no matter how out of line they may be, and try to stay as calm and rational as possible. If anything, this will get them to eventually calm down and convince them that you're actually listening to what they're saying and not just yelling back commands.

==> Help for Parents with Disrespectful Children and Teens