Advice for Step-Parents

Becoming a parent by blending families or marrying someone with children can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience.

If you've never had children, you'll get the opportunity to share your life with a child and help to shape his/her character. If you have children, you'll offer them more opportunities to build relationships and establish a special bond that only siblings can have.

In some cases, your new family members may get along without a hitch, but other times you can expect difficulties along the way. Figuring out your role as a parent — aside from the day-to-day responsibilities that come with it — also may lead to confusion or even conflict between you and your partner, your partner's ex-wife or ex-husband, and their children.

While there is no foolproof formula for creating the "perfect" family, it's important to approach this new situation with patience and understanding for the feelings of those involved. The initial role of a step-parent is that of another caring grown-up in a youngster's life, similar to a loving family member or mentor. You may desire a closer bond right away, and might wonder what you're doing wrong if your new stepson/daughter doesn't warm up to you or your children as quickly as you'd like — but relationships need time to grow.

Start out slow and try not to rush into things. Let things develop naturally — children can tell when grown-ups are being fake or insincere. Over time, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your stepson/daughter, which doesn't necessarily have to resemble the one they share with their birth moms and dads.

Kids who are mourning the loss of a deceased parent or the separation or divorce of their birth moms and dads may need time to heal before they can fully accept you as a new parent. For those whose birth moms and dads are still alive, remarriage may mean the end of hope that their moms and dads will reunite. Even if it has been several years since the separation, children often hang onto that hope for a long time. From the children' perspective, this reality can make them feel angry, hurt, and confused.

Other factors that may affect the transition into step-parenting:

• How well the parent you marry gets along with the ex-spouse. This is a critical factor. Minimal conflict and open communication between ex-partners can make a big difference regarding how easily children accept you as their step-parent. It's much easier for children to transition to new living arrangements when grown-ups keep negative comments out of earshot.

• How old the children are. When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger children generally have an easier time than older children.

• How much time the children spend with you. Trying to bond with children every other weekend — when they want quality time with a birth parent they don't see as often as they'd like — can be a difficult way to make friends with your new stepchildren. Remember to put their needs first: If children want time with their birth parent, they should get it. So sometimes making yourself scarce can help smooth the path to a better relationship in the long run.

• How long you've known them. Usually, the longer you know the children, the better the relationship. There are exceptions (e.g., if you were friends with the moms and dads before they separated and are blamed for the break-up), but in most cases having a history together makes the transition a little smoother.

• How long you dated the parent before marriage. Again, there are exceptions but typically if you don't rush into the relationship with the grown-up, children have a good sense that you are in this for the long haul.

Knowing ahead of time what situations may become problematic as you bring new family members together can help you prepare so that, if complications arise, you can handle them with an extra dose of patience and grace.

All moms and dads face difficulties now and then. But when you're a step-parent, those obstacles are compounded by the fact that you are not the birth parent — this can open up power struggles within the family, whether it's from the children, your partner's ex, or even your partner.

When times get tough, however, putting children' needs first can help you make good decisions. Here's how:

1. Create new family traditions. Find special activities to do with your stepchildren, but be sure to get their feedback. Some new family traditions could include board game nights, bike riding together, cooking, doing crafts, or even playing quick word games in the car. The key is to have fun together, not to try to win their love — children are smart and will quickly figure out if you're trying to force a relationship.

2. Don't use children as messengers or go-betweens. Try not to question children about what's happening in the other household — they'll resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on another parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems. Online custody calendars make this process a little easier because moms and dads can note visitation days and share this information with each other via the Internet.

3. House rules matter. Keep your house rules as consistent as possible for all children, whether they're your children from a previous relationship, your partner's children from a previous relationship, or new kids you have had together. Kids and adolescents will have different rules, but they should be consistently applied at all times. This helps children adjust to transitions, like moving to a new house or welcoming a new baby, and helps them feel that all children in your home are treated equally. If children are dealing with two very different sets of rules in each home, it may be time for an grown-ups-only family meeting — otherwise children can learn to "work the system" for short-term gain but long-term problems.

4. Put needs, not wants, first. Children need love, affection, and consistent rules above all else. Giving them toys or treats, especially if they're not earned with good grades or behavior, can lead to a situation where you feel like you're trading gifts for love. Similarly, if you feel guilty for treating your biological children differently from your step kids, don't buy gifts to make up for it. Do you best to figure out how to treat them more equally.

5. Respect all moms and dads. When a partner's ex is deceased, it's important to be sensitive to and honor that person. If you and your partner share custody with the birth parent, try to be courteous and compassionate in your interactions with each other. Never say negative things about the birth parent in front of the children. Doing so often backfires and children get angry with the parent making the remarks. No youngster likes to hear their moms and dads criticized, even if he or she is complaining about them to you.

6. Talk to your partner or spouse. Communication between you and your partner is important so that you can make parenting decisions together. This is especially crucial if you each have different notions on parenting and discipline. If you're new to parenting as a step-parent, ask your partner what would be the best way to get to know the children. Use resources to find out what children of different ages are interested in — and don't forget to ask them.

No matter what the circumstances of your new family, chances are there'll be some bumps along the way. But don't give up trying to make things work — even if things started off a little rocky, they still can (and probably will) improve as you and your new family members get to know each other better.

==> Help for Parents and Step-Parents Who Are At Their Wits-end

Handling Homework Hassles

Tired of arguing, nagging and struggling with your child to get him to do homework? Are you discovering that bribing, threatening, and punishing yield very few positive results? Here are 15 important tips that, if implemented in your home with consistency and an open heart, will reduce homework struggles significantly:

1. Allow kids to make choices about homework and related issues. They could choose to do study time before or after dinner. They could do it immediately after they get home or wake up early in the morning to do it. Invite them to choose the kitchen table or a spot in their own room. One choice kids do not have is whether or not to study.

2. Back up words with actions. Make it clear that choosing not to do study is choosing not to enjoy certain privileges. Say, “If you choose not to study, then you will choose not watch TV, listen to music or use the telephone. The choice is yours.”

3. Eliminate the word “homework” from your vocabulary. Replace it with the word “study.” Have a “study time” instead of a “homework time.” Have a “study table” instead of a “homework table.” This word change alone will go a long way towards eliminating the problem of your youngster saying, "I don't have any homework." Study time is about studying, even if you don't have any homework. It's amazing how much more homework children have when they have to study regardless of whether they have homework or not.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. If Tip #1 does not work, then you may need to establish a study routine. This needs to be the same time every day. Let your kids have some input on when study time occurs. Once the time is set, stick to that schedule. Children thrive on structure even as they protest. It may take several weeks for the routine to become a habit. By having a regular study time you are demonstrating that you value education. Keep the routine predictable and simple. One possibility includes a five minute warning that study time is approaching, bringing their current activity to an end, clearing the study table, emptying their back pack of books and supplies, then beginning.

5. Help without over-assistance. Only help if your youngster asks for it. Do not do problems or assignments for kids. When your youngster says, "I can't do it," suggest they act as if they can. Tell them to pretend like they know and see what happens. Then leave the immediate area and let them see if they can handle it from there. If they keep telling you they don't know how and you decide to offer help, concentrate on ‘asking’ rather than on ‘telling’. For example: "Can you give me an example?" … "How could you find out?" … "What do you get?" … "What do you think the answer is?" … "What parts do you understand?"

6. If you want a behavior – you have to teach a behavior. Disorganization is a problem for many school age kids. If you want them to be organized, you have to invest the time to help them learn an organizational system. Your job is to teach them the system. Their job is to use it – and check occasionally to see if the system is being used. Check more often at first. Provide direction and correction where necessary. If your youngster needs help with time management, teach them time management skills. Help them learn what it means to prioritize by the importance and due date of each task. Teach them to create an agenda each time they sit down to study. Help them experience the value of getting the important things done first.

7. It's their Problem. Their pencils have to move. Their brains need to engage. Their bottoms need to be in the chair. It is their report cards that they bring home. Too many moms and dads see homework as the parent's problem. So they create ultimatums, scream and shout, threaten, bribe, scold, and withhold privileges. Have you noticed that most of these tactics don’t work? Our responsibility as moms and dads is to provide our kids with an opportunity to do homework. Our job is to provide structure, to create the system. The youngster's job is to use the system.

8. Most kids do not like to do homework. Children do not enjoy sitting and studying. At least, not after having spent a long school day comprised mostly of sitting and studying. So give up your desire to have them like it. Focus on getting them to do it.

9. Notice when your youngster completes homework. “I really like the way you’re getting your study time done. That’s what I expect from you.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Replace monetary and external rewards with encouraging verbal responses. End the practice of ‘paying for grades’ and going on a special trip for ice cream. This style of bribery has only short term gains and does little to encourage kids to develop a lifetime love of learning. Instead make positive verbal comments that concentrate on describing the behavior you wish to encourage. For example: "All your letters are right between the lines. I'll bet your teacher won't have any trouble reading this." … "I notice you stayed up late last night working on your term paper. It probably wasn't easy saving that much to the end, but your efforts got it done." … "I see you got the study table all organized and ready to go early. Looks like initiative and responsibility hooked together to me." … "You followed the directions exactly and finished in 15 minutes."

11. State clearly how you expect study time to be done. Tell your youngster, “I expect you to do all your studies, every night. Under no circumstances will I tolerate you not doing study time.”

12. Talk to the teacher. If the problem continues, ask the teacher to back up your efforts by providing additional discipline for homework assignments not completed.

13. Consider drafting a “study time contract.” Make a written agreement with your youngster that states something like, “Each day you complete study time, you will earn one point. When you have earned five (or ten) points, you will earn a special privilege.”

14. Use study time to get some of your own responsibilities handled. Do the dishes, fold laundry, or write thank you notes. Keep the TV off! If you engage in fun or noisy activities during that time, kids will naturally be distracted. Study time is a family commitment. If you won't commit to it, don't expect that you kids will.

15. You cannot make anyone do study time. You cannot make your youngster learn. You cannot make him hold a certain attitude. You cannot make him move his pencil. But you can assist. Concentrate on assisting by sending positive invitations. Invite and encourage your youngster using the ideas above.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Helping Children Through Divorce

The following suggestions can make the process of divorce less painful for children, teenagers, and families. Honesty, sensitivity, self-control, and time itself will help the healing process. Be patient! Not everyone's timetable is the same.

1. Encourage children to openly discuss their feelings — positive or negative — about what's happening.

It's important for divorcing — and already divorced — parents to sit down with their children and encourage them to say what they're thinking and feeling. But you'll need to keep this separate from your own feelings. Most often, kids experience a sense of loss of family and may blame you or the other parent — or both — for what is going on in their lives. So, you'll really need to be prepared to answer questions your children might raise or to address their concerns.

Make talking about the divorce and how it's affecting your children an ongoing process. As children get older and become more mature, they might have questions or concerns that they hadn't thought of earlier. Even if it seems like you've gone over the same topics before, keep the dialogue open. If possible, sit down with the other parent and plan how you're going to talk to your youngster or kids about what is going on.

If you feel like you may get too upset, ask someone else (a relative, maybe) to talk to them. It's OK for children to see their moms and dads feel sad or upset, but getting very emotional can make children feel responsible for their parents' feelings. Group programs for children of divorce run by schools or faith-based organizations are an excellent resource for children and families who need some help to get through these early stages.

It's natural for children to have many emotions about a divorce. They might feel guilty and imagine that they "caused" the problem. This is particularly true for the many children who overheard their moms and dads arguing about them. Children and teenagers may feel angry or frightened, or worried about their future.

Although children may struggle with a divorce for quite some time, the real impact is usually felt over about a 2- to 3-year period. During this time, some will be able to voice their feelings but, depending on their age and development, other children just won't have the words. They may instead act out or be depressed. For school-age children, this is usually evident when their grades drop or they lose interest in activities. For younger kids, these feelings are often expressed during play, too.

It may be tempting to tell a youngster not to feel a certain way, but children (and adults, for that matter) have a right to their feelings. And if you try to force a "happy face," your children may be less likely to share their true feelings with you.

2. Keep adult conflict and arguments away from the children.

This is one of the hardest things to do. But it's important never to say bad things about your ex in front of your children, or within earshot. You'd be surprised at how good children can be to picking up on these things. Research shows that the single biggest factor in long-term adjustment for children of divorce is the level of parental-conflict they are exposed to. It puts children in really difficult positions if they want to or have to take sides, or listen to negative things said about one of their moms and dads.

It's equally important to acknowledge real events. If, for example, one spouse has simply abandoned the family by moving out, you need to acknowledge what has happened. It isn't your responsibility to explain the ex-spouse's behavior — but if your children want to ask you questions, it's important to answer as neutrally and as factually as possible.

3. Try not to use children as messengers or go-betweens, especially when you're feuding.

Even though it is tempting, don't use your children as messengers. There are plenty of other ways to communicate with your ex-partner. Also, resist questioning your youngster about what is happening in the other household — children resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on the other parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems.

4. Expect resistance and difficulties as children adjust to a new mate or the mate's children.

New relationships, blended families, and remarriages are among the most difficult aspects of the divorce process. A new, blended family can add more stress for a while, and can cause another period of adjustment. Keeping lines of communication open, allowing one-on-one time for parents and children, and watching for signs of stress can help prevent problems developing.

5. Figure out how to reduce stress in your life to help your family.

Support from friends, relatives, church and religious groups, and organizations such as “Parents Without Partners” can help moms and dads and their children adjust to separation and divorce. Children can meet others who've developed successful relationships with separated parents and can confide in each other. Getting support can help parents find solutions to all kinds of practical and emotional challenges.

Whenever possible, children should be encouraged to have as positive an outlook on both parents as they can. Even under the best of circumstances, separation and divorce can be painful and disappointing for many children.

Moms and dads also need to remember to take care of themselves. Find your own way to reduce stress in your life by finding supportive friends and asking for help when you need it. Try to keep some old family traditions, while building new memories to share. Showing your children how to take good care of mind and body during difficult times can help them become more resilient in their own lives.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents