Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Children and Teens

“Passive-aggression” is just that: aggression (i.e., anger) that is passive (i.e., hidden). If children are taught to suppress and deny their feelings, they will seek out ways of getting around that. They will find other channels to express themselves – ways that are “passively resistant.” This is how sabotage (e.g., covert behavior, forgetting, ambiguity, chaos creation, etc.) and retaliation (e.g., overt punishment, eye for an eye, “justified” abandonment or abuse, etc.) are learned.

Most children have passive-aggressive tendencies, and can continue to live this way if moms and dads don't help curb this behavior.

What comes with the territory?

1. Children with passive-aggressive tendencies are usually unaware that their difficulties at home and school are a result of their own behaviors. 
2. Passive-aggressive children are resistant to demands for adequate performance both in social circumstances and in the classroom. 
3. Rather than take responsibility for their own actions, they tend to blame and manipulate others.
4. They experience conscious hostility toward authority figures, but do not connect their own passively resistant behavior with hostility or resentment. 
5. They have resentment of responsibility, and they show this resentment through the expression of a variety of methods – other than openly expressed anger. 
6. They tend to be non-assertive and intentionally inefficient. 
7. They tend to use procrastination and forgetfulness to avoid fulfilling obligations.
8. They try to get revenge through agitation. 
9. They usually do not trust others.
10. These behaviors are usually not disturbing to the child, but to those who interact with him/her. 
11. This pattern usually begins in early childhood and can occur in various contexts.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Signs of passive-aggressive behavior:

1. "Forgets" or "misplaces" important items
2. Avoids responsibility for tasks
3. Believes that he/she is doing a much better job than parents/teachers think
4. Can’t seem to accept responsibility for problems resulting from his/her poor performance
5. Blames others for his/her problems
6. Fails to do his/her share of the work, thereby obstructing other's efforts
7. Performs poorly
8. Procrastinates
9. Protests (unrealistically) that everyone is making unreasonable demands
10. Shuts down conversations
11. Sulks, becomes irritable or becomes very quickly argumentative
12. Tends to work slowly or deliberately do a bad job on tasks that he/she really does not want to do
13. Unreasonably criticizes people in positions of authority
14. Usually resents useful suggestions from others on how to become more productive
15. Verbally complies, but behaviorally delays
16. Verbally denies feelings of anger

Phrases to let you know your child is being passive-aggressive:

1. Be there in a minute.
2. Fine, whatever.
3. I couldn't find my pen, so I didn't finish my homework.
4. I couldn't hear you. I had my headphones on. What did you say?
5. I did all of my homework.
6. I did make my bed.
7. I don't know where your car keys are.
8. I forgot about the laundry in the dryer. Leave me a note next time.
9. I took the laundry out of the dryer. I didn't know you wanted it folded.
10. I tried to unload the dishwasher, but I didn't know where the plates went, so I left them on the counter.
11. I will, but I have to go to the bathroom first.
12. I'll do it right after school.
13. I'll do it right after this show.
14. I'm coming.
15. Putting away the clean dishes is his chore.

Moms and dads who are familiar with these typical patterns are able to respond directly to their children's underlying anger. Here are some tips to stop passive-aggressive behavior:

1. Allow your youngster to openly express his feelings in ways that suit him. If he shouts or gets angry, don't get mad too. Remain calm and let him know that you understand and are willing to help him deal with his feelings.

2. Anger is a basic, spontaneous, neuro-physiological part of the human condition. As such, it is neither good nor bad. It just is. Too often, children are held to an unrealistic social standard about what it takes to be "good." From a very early age, they begin to associate having angry feelings with being bad. When parents teach their kids to say "yes" to the presence of anger and "no" to the expression of anger through aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors, they build a foundation for lifelong emotional intelligence and strong relationships.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. Be willing to receive their anger when they test out their new voice. If you are going to guide your youngster to be more open and direct with her anger, then you must also be willing to accept her anger when she expresses it. For many, this is truly difficult. But for lasting change to take hold, they must know that the assertive expression of their anger will be tolerated, respected and even honored!

4. Each time passive-aggressive behavior is answered with a mirrored counter passive-aggressive response from parents, the hidden means of expressing anger is reinforced and an opportunity for direct emotional expression is lost. On the other hand, each time passive-aggressive behavior is confronted assertively, the hidden anger is weakened. The most effective way for our kids to learn to acknowledge and accept angry feelings is to role model this for them on a daily basis. As moms and dads, this can be a real challenge since we, too, may have faced stringent socializing forces regarding the expression of our anger. It's never too late to learn to express anger in emotionally honest, direct ways, however, and the stakes have never been so high!

5. Encourage your youngster when he shows good behavior and completes assigned tasks. Positively praise your youngster for his effort, regardless of how small of an accomplishment it is. Celebrating your youngster's positive behaviors can work in raising his self-esteem. Also, make your youngster an active part of the family. Let the youngster know that her opinion is always welcome and that she plays an important role within the family. Occasionally let her make decisions as to what to eat or where to go, showing her that her choices matter.

6. Passive-aggressive kids need to be taught to find healthy ways of expressing anger. They need to know they can say “I’m angry.” They need to be taught the vocabulary for this. When they do, appreciate their voicing it (e.g., “I’m glad you shared this with me”). Ask them to stay in that feeling (e.g., “Why don’t we sit down and talk about why you’re angry?”). Then ask leading questions (e.g., “Why are you angry?” … “What do you need that you’re not getting?). Validate those feelings, and let the youngster know those feelings are theirs, they are human, they are OK (e.g., “Well, it’s normal to feel mad when you don’t get something that you really want!”). Lastly, follow that up with teaching kids that there is no need to become distraught. Instead of jumping to demand an immediate solution, they need to learn the value of owning their feelings, and finding ways of helping themselves feel better.

7. Parents who role model assertive anger expression and practice direct communication of feelings can teach their children effective ways to express emotions.

If you notice that your child expresses anger indirectly across most situations and seems to fear communicating anger directly, addressing this sooner rather than later will save you hundreds of headaches in the future.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Keep Your Teen From "Dropping Out" Of School

Dropping out of school has become a serious problem for many teenagers today. Your son or daughter may think of dropping out for various reasons. If your teenager drops out, he/she is likely to be under-employed -- or unemployed -- in the future.

Here are some helpful pointers to prevent your adolescent from dropping out before it is too late:

1. Concentrate on your teen's goals instead of focusing on why he/she is unsuccessful in school. Have your teen (a) identify goals, (b) develop a list of school, home, and personal barriers to reaching those goals, and (c) devise strategies to overcome the barriers.

2. Consider alternative school settings. Options include magnet schools, alternative schools, charter schools, work-based learning programs, career academies, and general educational development (GED) programs. Include your adolescent in all discussions with school personnel.

3. Encourage your adolescent to seek out extracurricular activities or employment to develop positive relationships and have success outside of a classroom setting. Many schools provide after-school and summer programs that cultivate new interests. Encourage your teen to participate in at least one extra-curricular activity at school. These activities can help your teen feel part of the group, important to the school, and more motivated.

4. Keep track of the credits your teen needs to graduate, beginning in his/her freshman year.

5. Help your teen explore career options and find out what kind of education is needed to be successful in those careers.

6. Identify goals. What interests your teen? What is your teen good at? Technical training or two-year community college programs are appropriate paths to meeting employment goals. If attending a four-year college is the way to reach your adolescent's vocational goal, put steps in place to make this happen.

7. If you suspect your teen has a problem with drugs or alcohol, contact the school guidance counselor or a substance abuse counselor, help line, or an appropriate organization for information and advice.

8. In some cases, a tutor can help a teen who has fallen behind or who has missed important concepts.

9. Know your teen's friends and their families.

10. Beginning in his/her freshman year, let educators know that you want to be contacted immediately if your teen has problems with homework or behavior.

11. Let your adolescent know that people who earn a high school diploma are likely to earn twice as much each year compared to those who don't have a high school diploma or equivalency.

12. Limit the time your teen watches television and plays video games to no more than one or two hours each day.

13. Find out if your school district has a homework hotline that high school students can call for help.

14. Monitor school attendance. If your teen is skipping school, it may be a warning sign that he/she is having trouble. Also, monitor your adolescent's school performance. Periodically check in with his/her educators to find out how things are going.

15. Sometimes, a teen's personality may clash with that of the teacher or another student. Meet directly with the teacher to determine if there is a problem or misunderstanding. In some cases, everyone may benefit if you request that your teen be transferred to a different classroom.

Graduating from high school is a cornerstone of future success. By staying involved, focusing on individual strengths, finding the right school setting, and holding high expectations, moms and dads can help their teens graduate and prepare for successful adulthood.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Separation and Individuation in Your Teenage Daughter

A good portion of your daughter’s behavior during adolescence is part of a normal developmental process called “separation and individuation.” 

A teenager’s need to identify with her peer group starts to take precedence over her sense of identification with parents and family. This usually concludes with complete separation and independence by age 18 or 20.

You can make your daughter’s transition to adulthood smoother and more navigable if you keep the following suggestions in mind:

1. Though easier said than done, parents need to reassess their own motives. For example:

• Are you afraid of letting go and seeing her make mistakes on her own?
• Do you have a hidden emotional need that you’re expecting her to fulfill?
• Is it possible that you have selfish motives for wanting your daughter to stay close to you?

If so, you need to realize that these are your problems, not hers.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

2. Find a way to embrace and affirm the shift that’s occurring in your daughter’s outlook (i.e., allow for separation while simultaneously helping her to realize that she’s wanted at home, too). It’s better to bend with the winds of change than snap under their pressure. Since her friends are so important to her, start thinking in terms of encouraging her to develop a positive social life and form healthy friendships. You can’t actually pick her peer group for her, of course, but you can increase her chances of making good choices by shaping her environment (e.g., help her get involved with a church youth group, or participate in sports, music or drama, etc.).

3. Give your daughter good advice regarding choosing appropriate friends. For example:

• "Avoid been around negative people who will only put you down or pressure you to get involved with gangs and drugs etc. Instead choose friends that will have a positive effect toward your life …ones with solid character traits like honesty, intelligence, loyalty, and dedication. When you find that person, cherish and seek camaraderie with them -- they are a gift in your life."
• "Don’t assume everyone you come across in life will become a good friend of yours because they have been nice to you a few times, have a great personality, or share mutual interest with you. Getting the opportunity to meet that type of person is just the beginning of the friendship building process. Believe it or not, the majority of people in your life are only associates or acquaintances – not true friends!"
• "Don’t rush when choosing friends, or you’ll likely end-up labeling an associate as a friend. Keep in mind that there is a thin line between associates and friends. Confusing an associate for a friend can leave you feeling disappointed later."

4. Host activities for your daughter’s friends (e.g., throw a back-to-school party, or organize a summer barbeque, etc.). This will provide you with a window into your daughter’s peer group as well as a discreet and relaxed opportunity to chaperone her interaction with friends.

5. Encourage her to invite friends to take part in family events. While there’s certainly a place for “family-only” activities, there’s no reason why you can’t devise additional outings of a more inclusive nature. If you go on a ski trip, let her bring a couple of girlfriends along. She’ll be less resistant to family outings if you design them to be more attractive from her point of view.

6. Consider making your home a place where your daughter and her friends want to hang-out. That may mean having exciting videos around, fun activities, and lots of food. This probably means you will have to add the food for 3 -5 teenagers to your monthly food bill, but you are getting away easy. You at least know what your daughter is doing and with whom she is with. Piece of mind is worth a lot.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents