ONLINE PARENTING COACH

When you stop participating in an argument, you send your adolescent the message that you’re in control. Though she isn’t consciously aware of this, she feels the power shift from her to you. So if she can pull you back into the argument, she can regain that control she lost. When you walk away, you “win”—but your teenager doesn’t want that to happen, so she will try almost anything to keep it going (e.g., call you names, throw things, punch a hole in the wall, slam a door, etc.). If your teen can do something that gets you to react, she feels much better, and in many cases, she knows that if she pushes all the right buttons, you just might “give in” to get relief from the torture. How can parents break this cycle? Tips to channel conflict in a positive direction: 1. If the argument is over the phone or via text message, tell your adolescent that you’re done with the discussion and you will not reply anymore. Then, follow through. Turn the phone off, or unplug it if it...

Most moms and dads find it difficult to tolerate an adolescent who simply refuses to “try.” His refusal to do homework is often an indirect way of expressing anger and confusion. Under-achievement in teens can be caused by many things: Peer pressure, especially among adolescents: “If I do too well, my friends won't like me.” Overly high parental expectations. The father may be a doctor, but Michael may want to play in a rock band right now, and if the academic pressure is too strong, Michael may rebel. Mild learning disabilities or an unrecognized physical problem such as a vision or hearing difficulty. Emotional upset. The adolescent who has experienced a death in the family or whose parents are going through a divorce is very likely to go through a period of under-achievement. Under-achievement allows teens to postpone the responsibility associated with independence and thereby postpone independence itself. Here are some of the traits of under-achievers: Academi...

“Passive-aggression” is just that: aggression (i.e., anger) that is passive (i.e., hidden). If children are taught to suppress and deny their feelings, they will seek out ways of getting around that. They will find other channels to express themselves – ways that are “passively resistant.” This is how sabotage (e.g., covert behavior, forgetting, ambiguity, chaos creation, etc.) and retaliation (e.g., overt punishment, eye for an eye, “justified” abandonment or abuse, etc.) are learned. Most children have passive-aggressive tendencies, and can continue to live this way if moms and dads don't help curb this behavior. What comes with the territory? Children with passive-aggressive tendencies are usually unaware that their difficulties at home and school are a result of their own behaviors.  Passive-aggressive children are resistant to demands for adequate performance both in social circumstances and in the classroom.  Rather than take responsibility for their own...