Violent Siblings: What Parents Can Do

"Any suggestions on how to handle two sons (only two years apart) who have no tolerance for one another and launch into a pushing/grabbing match over the most trivial of matters?"

Sibling violence is the physical, emotional or sexual abuse of one sibling by another. The physical violence can range from more mild forms of aggression between siblings (e.g., pushing and shoving) to very violent behavior (e.g., using weapons).

Often times, moms and dads don’t see the abuse for what it is. As a rule, parents and society expect fights and aggression between brothers and sisters. Because of this, parents often don’t see sibling violence as a problem until serious harm occurs.

Besides the direct dangers of sibling violence, the abuse can cause all kinds of long-term problems on into adulthood. Research shows that violence between siblings is quite common. In fact, it is probably even more common than child abuse (by parents) or spouse abuse. Unfortunately, the most violent members of American families are the kids.

Experts estimate that 3 kids in 100 are dangerously violent toward a brother or sister. One recent study puts the number of assaults each year to kids by a sibling at about 35 per 100 children. The same study found the rate to be similar across income levels and racial and ethnic groups. Likewise, many researchers have estimated sibling incest to be much more common than parent-child incest.

It seems that when violent acts occur between siblings, family members often don’t see it as abuse. How do you identify abuse? What is the difference between sibling violence and sibling rivalry?

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

At times, all siblings squabble and call each other mean names, and some young siblings may "play doctor." But here is the difference between typical sibling behavior and abuse: If one youngster is always the victim and the other youngster is always the aggressor, it is an abusive situation.

Some possible signs of sibling violence are:

• A youngster acts out abuse in play
• A youngster acts out sexually in inappropriate ways
• A youngster has changes in behavior, sleep patterns, eating habits, or has nightmares
• One youngster always avoids their sibling
• The kid’s roles are rigid: one youngster is always the aggressor, the other, the victim
• The roughness or violence between siblings is increasing over time

How can you identify sibling abuse? Here are some useful guidelines:

• How does the victim respond? Victims often respond to abuse from a brother or sister by protecting themselves, screaming and crying, separating themselves from the abuser, abusing a younger sibling in turn, telling their moms and dads, internalizing the abusive message, fighting back, or submitting.
• How often does it happen and how long does it go on? Acceptable behavior that is long and drawn out may become abusive over time.
• Is the behavior age-appropriate? Remember that generally you should confront fighting and jealousy even if you tend to think it is "normal."
• Is there a victim in the situation? A victim may not want to participate, but may be unable to stop the activity.
• What is the purpose of the behavior? If it tears down another person, it is abusive.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How can I prevent abuse from taking place between my kids?

• Create a family atmosphere where everyone feels at ease talking about sexual issues and problems.
• Don't give your older kids too much responsibility for your younger children (e.g., use after-school care programs, rather than leaving older kids in charge of younger ones after school).
• Keep an eye on your children’ media choices (e.g., TV, video games, and Internet surfing), and either join in and then discuss the media messages or ban the poor choices.
• Know when to intervene in your kids' conflicts, to prevent an escalation to abuse.
• Learn to mediate conflicts.
• Model good conflict-solving skills for your kids.
• Model non-violence for your kids.
• Set aside time regularly to talk with your kids one-on-one, especially after they've been alone together.
• Set ground rules to prevent emotional abuse, and stick to them (e.g., make it clear you will not put up with name-calling, teasing, belittling, intimidating, or provoking).
• Teach them to say “no” to unwanted physical contact.
• Teach your kids to "own" their own bodies.

What should I do if there's abuse going on between my children?

When one sibling hits, bites, or physically tortures a brother or sister, the normal rivalry has become abuse. You can't let this dangerous behavior continue. Here's what to do:

• After a cooling off period, bring all the children involved into a family meeting.
• Brainstorm many possible solutions to the problem, and ways to reach the goal.
• Continue to watch closely your kids' contacts in the future.
• Gather information on facts and feelings.
• Help the children work together to set a positive goal (e.g., they will separate themselves and take time to cool off when they start arguing).
• Help your children learn how to manage their anger.
• Make sure you don't ignore, blame, or punish the victim—while at the same time, not playing favorites.
• Make your expectations and the family rules very clear.
• State the problem as you understand it.
• Talk together about the list of solutions and pick the ones that are best for everyone.
• Whenever violence occurs between kids, separate them.
• Write up a contract together that states the rights and responsibilities of each youngster. Include a list of expected behavior, and consequences for breaking the code of conduct.

Can sibling relationships have lasting effects into adulthood?

In the last few years, more researchers have looked at the lasting effects of early experiences with sisters and brothers. Siblings can have strong, long-lasting effects on one another's emotional development as adults.

Research indicates that the long-term effects of surviving sibling violence can include:

o Alcohol and drug addiction

o Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem

o Eating disorders

o Inability to trust; relationship difficulties

o Learned helplessness

Even less extreme sibling rivalry during childhood can create insecurity and poor self-image in adulthood. Sibling conflict does not have to be physically violent to take a long-lasting emotional toll. Emotional abuse (e.g., teasing, name-calling, isolation, etc.) can also do long-term damage. The abuser is also at risk—for future violent or abusive relationships (e.g., dating violence and domestic violence).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Saying “No” Without Having An Argument With Your Child

According to parenting experts, the average youngster hears the word “no” an astonishing 400 times a week. That's not only tiresome for you, but it can also be harmful to your son or daughter. According to studies, children who hear “no” too often have poorer language skills than kids whose moms and dads offer more positive feedback. Also, saying “no” can become ineffective when it's overused (a little like crying wolf). Some children simply start to ignore the word, while others slip into a rage the minute that dreaded syllable crosses your lips. So what's a parent to do — let her kids run amok without any limits? Well, no! Parents can break out of the “yes-no tug-of-war” by coming up with new ways to set limits.

CLICK HERE for the full article...

Calling The Police On Abusive Teens

Question

My 17-year-old teenager is bigger and stronger than I am. He has threatened me physically on numerous occasions. I’m afraid to say or do anything wrong for fear of setting him off. What should I do?

Answer

There are times when your authority as a mother or father isn’t enough. If your teen has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property, or if he is engaging in dangerous behavior outside of the home, then calling the cops is definitely an option worth considering. You shouldn’t have to live in fear of your youngster, but you should be worried about how he will manage as an adult if he’s allowed to be “out of control” now.

Do school officials allow your teen to assault teachers or other students, punch holes in the wall, speak in a verbally abusive way to others, etc.? Of course not! In fact, the schools usually call the cops if a teenager assaults someone, uses drugs or is destructive. School officials take action because they understand something that moms and dads often lose sight of: if you don’t hold an abusive child accountable now – he will graduate to worse things in the future.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What Parents Should Do When Their Teen Becomes Violent

If your adolescent starts to threaten you, to break things or to do anything physically violent, accept that you can’t stop him at this point. It can be dangerous to try to stop an adolescent when he is violent. The most important thing is to keep yourself and your other kids safe.

1. Don’t talk to your adolescent again until he is calm and respectful. Separate if needed.
2. If there are guns in your home, remove them until you feel safe around your adolescent at all times.
3. If there has not been an arrest, you may want to consider getting an At-Risk-Youth Petition through which your adolescent can be mandated to counseling.
4. If you stay in your home, try to stay in an area with access to an exit. Stay away from the kitchen or other areas where potential weapons might be available.
5. If your adolescent is physically violent, or you think he might become violent, call 911. Police response gives your youngster the message that his behavior is serious and it is a crime. It may also result in court intervention which can be a support for your family and mandate counseling for your adolescent. Calling the police is a difficult decision, however many mothers and fathers say that it was not until after the police were called that their child stopped using violence.
6. Immediately separate yourself and your younger kids from your violent adolescent. Go to another room or if necessary, leave the house.
7. Take precautions in your home by figuring out ahead of time what is the safest and fastest way out of the house.
8. Try to remain as calm as possible. Do not continue the argument or discussion.

What to say to your teen:

1. It is important to let your adolescent know that anytime he starts to use abusive or violent behavior that you will immediately separate from him, and that you will not talk or engage again until he is calm and respectful.
2. Let your adolescent know you will call 911 if there is any physical violence and be prepared to follow through.
3. Remember that most violence begins with abusive language, so separating at the start of abuse can prevent the escalation to violence.
4. The moment your adolescent starts any of these behaviors, say you are separating and immediately leave the room. If the behavior escalates, continue to ignore it and leave the house if necessary. Call the police if (a) it becomes physical, (b) you think it is heading that way, or (c) you feel afraid for yourself or others. Follow this plan of action every time your adolescent uses abuse or violence.
5. Be specific with your adolescent about what abusive behavior is that will prompt you to separate. We define abuse as any of the following behaviors:

• Any physical violence or aggression with people, property or pets
• Name calling or hurtful words
• Swearing at people
• Threatening behavior
• Yelling or screaming at people

Give the following messages to your teen when there has been violence:

1. 911 will be called if you are violent, or if I feel afraid for the safety of our family.
2. Violence is dangerous and it is against the law.
3. We will talk about consequences for your behavior after you calm down (this should include getting professional help).
4. When you are violent or abusive I will separate from you.
5. Your behavior was not safe. Our home needs to be a safe place.

Calling 911 sends an important message to the adolescent that violence is not acceptable and that it is a crime. If the adolescent is arrested or a police report is filed (sometimes the adolescent is not arrested and taken to detention, but a police report is filed) he will probably be required to attend counseling, which can be helpful. The court’s response can be the most effective consequence for an adolescent who is violent. Parents receive support from the court in enforcing the rule of nonviolence in the home.

You can call the police if your adolescent is physically violent (e.g., pushing, shoving, grabbing, kicking, hitting or any physical contact that is hurtful), violent with property (e.g., throwing things, hitting, punching, kicking doors, walls, cars, or destroying property of any kind), threatening to hurt or kill a person or pets, or interfering with a call to the police.

Anytime you are afraid your adolescent is going to become violent, you can call the police. If your adolescent has not become violent when the police arrive, let them know you were afraid and tell them of any past violence. Some parents say they feel embarrassed or “silly” calling the police when their adolescent hasn’t really been violent but they were scared it was heading that way. It is important, and you have a right, to call the police anytime you fear for the safety of yourself or other family members.

Calling the police to discipline a teenager is not only a call for help by a mother or father, it is an admission that the situation has gone beyond the point where the parents are able to manage the behavior of the abusive teenager.

Each call to a police department is treated as an emergency. When a parent contacts the police to discipline an abusive teenager, many departments will dispatch a social services unit or community services officer with the patrol or "sworn" officer (i.e., the one who carries a weapon and can arrest people). Many departments, however, do not have the resources to maintain such units.

The first person through your door will be an armed officer whose first responsibility is to ensure public safety and enforce the law. Officers never decide who's right and who's wrong at the time of the incident. If your teenager has broken a law, he may be taken into custody. The officer may try to calm you both down, summon a social service officer, or inform you that police are not authorized to act in situations where no law has been broken and that you will need to discipline your teenager yourself.

The officer who answers your call may only enforce discipline in two situations: the commission of a status or criminal offense. Although teens can be held responsible for breaking laws, the law does not treat them the same way as grown-ups. They are often diverted to special "juvenile courts" or "alternative dispositions," such as community service.

Truancy, underage drinking, tobacco and curfew violations are examples of offenses based on a teenager's status as a juvenile; they may result in the issuance of a citation or, in extreme situations, removal of the teenager from the home for evaluation. Citations are often dealt with in a municipal or town court.

If your teenager has broken a criminal law, it is the duty of the officer to arrest him and deliver him to the judicial system. Many juvenile courts have social service departments that handle youthful offenders and some have "diversionary" or restorative programs that deal with first offenders.

Sometimes police make an arrest even though the parent requests they don’t arrest their teenager. The decision to arrest is the officer’s decision, not the parent’s. However, if you want your child to be arrested, explain his behavior to the officer and let them know if there have been previous violent incidents. Inform the officer if you do not feel safe with your child is at home.

Most moms and dads have mixed feelings when their teenager is arrested (e.g., feeling guilty, shocked, tearful, and like they are a bad parent). But they often report that their child’s abusive behavior decreased after the arrest. Most parents say that calling the police was one of the hardest, but most beneficial decisions they have ever made for their teen. They are finally getting help and there is no longer violence in the home.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents