Putting An End To "Homework Refusal": 25 Tips For Parents

Another school year is about 50% completed, and many parents have already had numerous "do-your-homework" battles!

Kids do not consciously choose to fail, but your daughter refuses to do her homework, which causes her to fail. Why is she sabotaging herself? Demanding that her educators provide you with her homework will not solve this problem. Complaining that the educators won't give you her assignments will have a negative impact on your relationships with these individuals. Her educators are likely to view you as an over-protective "helicopter parent" – and you don't want that identity!

So what can parents do when their child refuses to do homework? Here are some tips:

1. Communicate early on when homework issues arise. The earlier the problem is addressed the more likely it is you will be able to find solutions that work. The rest of the school year can be easier for you and your youngster.

2. Back up your words with action. Be realistic in your expectations. Stick to your demands. However, realize you should only demand things you are willing to follow through with. It may take your youngster several days to realize that you mean business. Say, "You can choose either to do your homework or to lose privileges. You will sit here until all of your homework is done. The choice is yours." For example, you may take away watching television, listening to music, using the telephone or computer.

3. Define a work space. Although a desk is nice, younger kids may do better at the kitchen table, closer to you while you’re preparing dinner. Just make sure it’s clear of clutter, including the daily newspaper, junk mail, or any other distraction. You can also construct a “learning station.” A tri-fold cardboard such as the kind used for science project displays would do the trick. On the right side of the panel, hang a folder for pending homework. On the left side, hang a folder for completed assignments. In the middle, post a list of activities your youngster can enjoy in five-minute breaks after completing a designated amount of work. That could be five minutes of her favorite prerecorded TV show or a chance to roll around on the floor with the dog after she’s worked steadily on her spelling words for 20 minutes. Create a bar graph and post it in the center of the tri-fold learning station. Use it to illustrate to a youngster the progress he’s making on an assignment by coloring in little squares with one of the magic markers. If there are 10 math problems to do that night, make each one a square. Five colored squares later, he’ll get a sense of accomplishment and most likely make it through to the end. Once assembled, this kind of learning station can really help center a youngster who has difficulty completing homework.

4. Do a reduced number of problems. If a youngster works very slowly even while paying attention to the task at hand, he may benefit from doing fewer problems that still cover the concepts.

5. Encourage independence. Moms and dads need to fight the temptation to fill in those last remaining answers themselves just because it’s late and everybody’s tired. Never do for your youngster what your youngster can do for herself. You’re not doing yourself or your youngster any favors by doing the homework for her. She’ll only come to expect it on a regular basis, and you may come to resent your involvement.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Getting and staying in touch with educators is important. Send them an introductory email and don’t hesitate to express concerns as the term progresses. If you think homework assignments are too hard or even too easy for your youngster, discuss it with the teacher so adjustments can be made. Encourage your youngster to speak up in class, as well. He needs to ask questions and tell his teacher when he doesn’t understand something.

7. Help kids see how they are benefiting from the homework. Moms and dads can tell their youngster what kind of homework the assignment is. "This looks like some good skill practice" …or, "Wow, you get to explore a whole new topic tonight."

8. Help your child understand that it is okay for some things to be very hard to do. If your child says things like, “I am stupid. I can’t do math” …tell her that she is not allowed to say that any more—and gave her a list of alternatives she can say (e.g., “I am not good at math” …“I hate math” …“I have to work harder at math than anyone else in the world” …“Math is hard for me”).

9. If homework is taking way too much time to do, your youngster’s teacher may need to be involved in helping to problem-solve. Kids who struggle in school may need their homework assignments to be modified in some way.

10. If the problems are the result of absences, your youngster’s teacher may be able to set up a schedule that allows the work to be made up within a reasonable amount of time.

11. If your child is really stumped by an assignment, demystify directions by having him pretend to be the teacher and explain to you how it should be done. This role reversal often yields surprising results as the objective of an assignment suddenly becomes crystal clear.

12. Keep a positive attitude. Kids learn by watching the grown-ups around them. If you have a good attitude (e.g., excitement about the material, enthusiasm about the new skills, etc.), then your attitude will rub off on your kids.

13. Keep communication lines open. Picture a triangle with the sides representing your youngster, the teacher, and you (the parent). We’ll call this configuration a “homework alliance.” In specific terms, it’s the maintenance of good relationships between parent and youngster, parent and teacher, and youngster and teacher. Keeping these three lines of communication open will smooth the whole homework process.

14. Make homework a game. There are plenty of ways to teach various skills using games. For example:

• Try following homework up with an entertaining game of Scrabble Junior
• There’s no shortage of fun educational computer software available
• Hand them a new set of magic markers to liven up an otherwise mundane social studies report
• Geography games can help commit all those state capitals to memory
• Flash cards are a reliable and fun way to reinforce sight words and multiplication tables

15. Offer options for how to complete the homework. Many creative kids can demonstrate their knowledge through posters, brochures, or presentation software, and offering these as a choice when appropriate can help resolve at least some of the issues.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

16. Point out resources on the Internet or at the library and create checklists for both long- and short-term assignments.

17. Praise your youngster when homework is completed. Say, "You've been getting all of your homework done. You should feel proud of yourself."

18. Schedule time in the day for homework. It helps if everyone in the house is quiet during homework time. The television, video games, telephone, and other distractions should be minimal. Kids should not accept social calls during homework time. Moms and dads can plan time for paying bills, organizing files, folding clothes or something else that is relatively quiet. If there is no time in the day for homework, then consider dropping some extracurricular activities from your youngster’s schedule.

19. Set it to music. Research has shown that music is a great motivator. Children complete more homework with background accompaniment – and kids with ADHD show markedly better performance when they’re listening to music. Since so much of homework is rote or simply completing unfinished class work, music can help relieve the tedium, and in the case of children with ADHD, can even help them focus. But skip tunes with lyrics. It’s best to limit the child’s choices to music that’s mostly instrumental so the words won’t interfere with his/her thoughts.

20. State clearly how you expect homework to be completed. Say, "I expect you to do all of your homework every night.  I will not tolerate your refusing to do your assignments."

21. Use a homework contract. This motivator is a written, signed agreement between you and your youngster that states a reward or a point toward a prize will be earned for each day that homework is brought home and completed.

22. When kids consistently have difficulty with homework, it is important to communicate this concern with your youngster’s teacher. With the teacher’s help you may be able to identify the source of the problem and figure out the best way to address it. Even though these meetings can be uncomfortable, it is best to approach them with a positive attitude while believing the problems can be solved by working together.

23. Your monitoring of homework communicates to your child an interest in what he’s learning, but don’t let homework disputes come between you and your youngster. Consider hiring a tutor if things reach an impasse.

24. Stay the course. Eventually there comes a time when children have to face up to the fact homework is just that—work to be done at home. Nobody likes it, but in reality, everybody gains something. For a teacher, homework extends instructional time. For a mother or father, it provides a window into the classroom. For a youngster, it’s an opportunity to acquire real organizational and study skills that will serve him over a lifetime. This is why it’s so important to maintain a firm, serious attitude about homework. Sure, it’s fun to mix it up with games and even rewards, but ultimately your youngster needs to know that homework has to be done well.

25. Try a number of different approaches to homework. It may take a while before you hit upon the solution that works best for your youngster. Of course, if you suspect a particular problem, always seek advice from an appropriate professional, be it a pediatrician, optometrist, school psychologist, or similar. Homework doesn’t have to be a drag for all concerned. Mix some creative problem solving with a little bit of effort, and your family will reap the benefits.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Power of Descriptive Praise

In an effort to enhance their kid's self-esteem, moms and dads often use praise to recognize the efforts and accomplishments of their kids. Of course, recognizing your kid's positive behavior is more likely to build self-esteem than dwelling on problems. But praise is not always uplifting.

Praise like “you're impressive …brilliant …amazing” can be too much for a child to believe. It is hard to accept such exaggerated praise. Have you ever noticed how uneasy you feel whenever anyone evaluates you? When someone tells you that you're “attractive” or “clever” -- all you can think about are the times you felt unsightly or did something stupid.

Kids also become uncomfortable with praise that evaluates them. They often dismiss it. Sometimes they will deliberately misbehave to prove you wrong. Instead of evaluating what your youngster has done, it is usually better to describe it. Describe in detail exactly what your youngster did. Then your youngster, hearing the description, is likely to recognize the truth and credit himself/herself.

The kind of praise a youngster can “believe” and that truly builds self-esteem comes in two parts:

1. the parent describes what the youngster has done (e.g., “I see you are all ready for school. You picked up your toys, put on your jacket, and even turned off the light in your bedroom”)
2. the youngster, after hearing his accomplishment described, praises himself/herself (e.g., “I know how to be responsible”)

Descriptive praise is harder and takes longer, but the payoff is usually greater. Descriptive praise helps kids become independent, creative thinkers and doers. They do not look to others for approval. They trust themselves and their own judgment. They have enough confidence to say to themselves, "I'm happy with what I have done." They learn to make changes or improvements based on their own evaluations.

Evaluative praise is a way of making - and keeping - kids dependent on parents. It gets children to conform to the parent's wishes. It sustains a dependence on the parent's evaluations and decisions about what is good and bad rather than helping children to begin to form their own judgments. It leads kids to measure their worth in terms of what will make parents smile and offer the positive words they crave. It leads to a dependency on approval. The evaluative praise, “You are a very helpful person,” makes the youngster dependent on the judgment of the person doing the praising. But the descriptive praise, “When you saw that Sally dropped her books, you stopped what you were doing and helped her pick them up” gives a youngster a sense of his own abilities and accomplishments.

Descriptive praise lets a youngster evaluate himself. If you want your son to focus his attention more on the impact he had on Sally, you can say something like, “Look at Sally’s face! She looks very happy because you helped her pick up the books.” You can help your youngster see how his actions affect others.

Parents should ask themselves, “Does my praise make my kids more dependent on me and my approval, or do my words help them see their strong points and give them a clear picture of their skills and accomplishments?” The goal is to help your kids get in touch with their own abilities such that they can praise themselves. The person your youngster needs to please is himself/herself.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Descriptive praise, then, has two parts:

1. the adult expresses appreciation for some specific contribution or effort
2. the youngster draws conclusions about himself/herself based on this specific statement from the adult

For a father to tell her daughter, “You're so smart” is not as effective in building self-esteem as saying “Math can be hard, but I see that you completed all your Math homework pretty quickly.” This girl can then think to herself, “I must be really smart. Dad thinks Math is hard.” These internal conclusions will be much more believable to the youngster than a father’s general value judgment of the youngster as an individual.

Evaluative comments are often unnecessary. In the long run, moms and dads can become less judgmental and controlling, and help their kids become more independent and motivated simply by acknowledging what their kids do. For example, simply pointing out an aspect of a youngster's handwriting that seems interesting (without saying that it's nice or that you liked it) will probably be enough to encourage further efforts.

For example, if your first-grader makes you a home-made birthday card, instead of saying “It's lovely,” you can describe it: “I really like your drawing of a birthday cake and the red candles on top. This card makes me feel happy!”

It takes some effort to use descriptive praise rather than evaluative praise. It takes skill to encourage children in such a way that they remain interested in what they are doing – but don't feel controlled.

Remember descriptive praise has two parts:

1. describe what you see and hear

2. describe what you feel

Name three things your youngster does that you might want to praise:

1.   

2.   

3.   

Now, describe what your youngster does, and share your comments with him/her.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Effective Discipline for Unruly Teens

Some disciplinary techniques are more effective than others. Fortunately, today there's a great deal of scientific evidence to back up behavior modification strategies. In order for a consequence to be effective, it must be:

• Unpleasant for your teenager
• Not too long (teens will give up if the consequence lasts too long)
• Not negotiable after the rule has been broken
• Immediate
• Age-appropriate
• A good match for the misbehavior

Disciplinary techniques that are effective can largely be grouped into two categories: 1) taking away something that is pleasurable (e.g., your attention, an exciting environment, a fun activity, etc.), and 2) imposing something that causes discomfort (e.g., paying a fine, doing extra chores, etc.). The consequence should always fit the misbehavior.

Draft a list of “Most Important House Rules” and put an appropriate consequence next to each one. Because these are the most important rules in your house, the disciplinary techniques should be fairly stiff. Next, clearly number and write the rules and their respective consequences on a large sheet of paper. For example:

1. Bedtime is 11:00 P.M. Go to bed on time every night. If you don’t, you will skip your extracurricular activities the next day (or the next time you have one).
2. Complete and turn in homework every day. If you don’t, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with your teacher.
3. Go to school every day. If you skip school or leave school, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with the principal.
4. No putting holes in walls or windows. If you do, you will spend the next weekend fixing the holes instead of going to any social activities.
5. Drugs are not allowed in the house. If I think you have any, I will call the police and we will search your bedroom.

In a moment of downtime when you don't anticipate an immediate power struggle, approach your teenager and say, “I love you too much to let things go on like they have been, and it is my job to keep you safe and help you prepare for adulthood, so we are going to have some important rules. These are the basic rules in our house, and the consequences for not obeying them.”

Next, show your teenager your list.  Ask if there are any questions, or if there is anything that isn't clear. Tell your teenager that the new rules are in effect immediately. Then tell her you love her, and end the conversation. Post the rules in a conspicuous place, and expect her to begin testing them right away.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Now let’s look at what doesn’t work…

Here is a list of disciplinary techniques that should be avoided, either because they are ineffective, or because they cause more harm than good:

1. Yelling: When you're yelling, you're certainly not talking with your teen, and too much yelling, or yelling that is too fierce, may cause your teen to feel angry, intimidated, resentful, or shamed. Expect yelling, tears, withdrawal, or a teen who learns to ignore you until you calm down.

2. Withholding affection: Withholding affection ties your love to your teen's behavior, and is completely opposite from the concept of unconditional love. A mother or father who withholds affection becomes cold and distant until the behavior improves, forcing the teen to (a) suffer the lack of support, and (b) become an amateur psychologist as he tries to figure out what is making you so upset. Moms and dads who withhold affection believe it will make their teenager shape up-quick. In reality, the teen will retreat, and in anger and hurt, rebel against you.

3. Traps: Laying traps for teens, to see if they'll lie, lose control, or misbehave in a seductive situation, is unfair and disrespectful. Support your teen. Plan for him to succeed – not fail.

4. Threats: Warnings are an effective disciplinary approach, but threats are not. Threats have an element of coercion, and they make a teen obey through fear or by threatening harm. The teen whose parents use threats will feel uneasy in the one place he should feel secure: his family. Teens who are threatened often get into lying or deceptive behavior. Since most threats are “empty,” they also learn not to trust what the parent says.

5. Shutting down: Shutting down and not talking to your teen about what is bothering you or him, or about his behavior, is not effective in addressing misbehavior or avoiding it in the future. Confrontation is hard. But if you talk about it, everyone feels better afterwards.

6. Shaming: These are verbal forms of humiliation, like mocking or making fun of a teen in public. Teens will live up to your expectation – good or bad – and they'll internalize your opinions of them. Keep your reinforcements positive.

7. Sarcasm: Sarcasm is a way of putting distance between you and your teen. It puts teens down, builds resentment, and it hurts. Consider what audience you are being sarcastic for. Often parents are at their most sarcastic when other parents are around—they're not really talking WITH their teenager, their talking ABOUT her. This isn't right.

8. Physical abuse: However you feel about physical discipline, there is no doubt that punching, shaking, slapping on the face or hands, beating, whipping, hair-pulling, burning, binding, or any other physical attacks on teenagers are never acceptable, no matter what the teen's misdeed or attitude, no matter how frustrated or angry you are. Teens who have suffered physical abuse spend years fighting against lowered self-respect, mental health issues, and behavioral problems. They often become part of a cycle of violence as they, too, begin to suffer from delinquency, crime, and violent patterns as both abusers and victims. If you or anybody else in your teen's life is resorting to physical abuse to handle your teen, you need to change these patterns, and to do this, you need help and support.

9. Nagging: Nagging is continuous harping about a task, a habit, or a personality trait. Nagging is a completely ineffective technique of getting a message to your teen and, while it's not particularly damaging, it does tend to damage the communication pathways between parents and teens. Say it once, then say it again strongly, and then be done with it and move on to action. 

10. Humiliation: Humiliation wears down a teen's self-image and self-respect. Humiliation teaches a teen that you don't value him. Respect your teen—his body, his mind, and his ego. Never underestimate the damage that can be done by humiliating a teen. One of the most common triggers of suicide in teens and adolescents is a humiliating experience.

11. Guilt trips: Guilt is especially destructive when imposed on teens, when they're already deeply self-conscious and self-disparaging.

12. Commanding and demanding: Commands and demands are sometimes necessary for safety reasons, but they should only be used in emergencies. Commands and demands are a power-play. Instead of, “Why? Because I say so!” …try using requests. They'll go a lot further in fostering mutual respect. For teens that tend to be willful and push buttons, commands and demands will often get you exactly what you don't want: resistance when you need something done immediately. Enlist the teen's help. In most cases, a gentle request will actually save you time.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents