5-Year-Old Hits Classmates

Hi, My out of control child is 5 years old. He is defiant, hits out at his classmates, he has poor motor skills (difficulty grasping a pencil so is behind his class mates with writing) It is the hitting that is causing concern… he has no privileges at home for hitting classmates in school. If the behaviour is repeated 3 days commence again, he is now on day 8 of continually repeating the behaviour. He does not appear concerned about the loss of his toys and no children’s programmes on tv and will happily occupy himself with a piece of string, a spoon etc. (During the Christmas holiday we used your method for cheek, for example 'pick up the toys' the reply 'pick it up yourself' and a complete refusal to comply. The method worked well and the cheek has markedly decreased. THANKS.) Now we are just addressing hitting for the past 3 weeks with little effect. Please advise. Many thanks, A.

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“Child hitting” is a behavior that moms and dads need to address immediately and consistently. Many parents have written to me asking how to stop youngster from hitting - and about half of these parents have admitted that when their youngster hits them, they hit back to "teach the youngster what it feels like." This may not be the case with you however.

The most important factor in teaching a young kid not to hit is to make sure he doesn't see hitting at home, or is not hit himself. A young kid who hits should be immediately removed from the situation where the hitting occurred. 

 

If he is in a playground, then pick him up and go home. If he is outside your home playing, then he has to come inside. If he is inside the home, then he should go to the room where he sleeps, which represents a safe place for him.

 

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As you remove him and put him in another place, such as his room, tell him that he needs time by himself to calm down. Don't tell him anything else -- he won't be able to pay attention when he's upset. (If he won't stay in his room, it is important to walk him calmly back to his room.)

Your son needs to understand that he is not being punished, but is experiencing the consequence of his actions. Then, AFTER he has time to compose himself, when he's calmer, you can talk more about your family's "no hitting" rule.

Positive results will not happen overnight, but this method can be very effective if are consistent. Hopefully his teachers will be using the same strategy.

Hitting, by any age person, could be in self-defense, or it could be a way of exerting power (might makes right theory), a way of getting what they want. Hitting might be an effective means of self-defense, or there might be better ways to defend one’s self. 

 

There are better ways of getting what a person wants, and that is what kids want to find out, I think, is the best way for them to get what they want. Moms and dads – though often quite confused themselves about how to get what they want – can be a youngster's best advisor and helper in figuring out good ways (for everyone involved) to get what each person wants.

I would respond to any youngster of any age by trying to figure out what they want, and doing everything I can to help them get it. If the youngster is angry, I'd keep helping them get what they want. 

 

Trying to figure out why the youngster is angry might be intrusive and make things worse, I think.... kids often can't answer the questions of ‘why’ that parents/adults pepper them with, not having the words to explain what is in their minds or whatever. We make our best guesses and keep at it.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Daughter wants to live with her 18-year-old boyfriend next summer...

Unfortunately our daughter's biological mother is involved in her upbringing and she is somewhat evil. K___ has been gone for three weeks now and we are doing our best to get her to come home. We have arranged for her to make up the three classes she dropped this school year. She is an honor roll student and she thought she would have to do the makeup work before school was out. That was not the case. She wants a car and to work as well. We are trying to get her to come home to earn those things she treasurers most. Unfortunately, her mother wants to involve law enforcement because K___ has had a few violent episodes. I worked in law enforcement and I don't feel it's good to involve them on domestic issues if you can work them out at home. To me it is a negative introduction. Once you’re in the system you tend to not care anymore. I don't want that for her. We are going to talk to her again tomorrow evening about coming home. She wants to live with her 18 yr old boyfriend next summer. We are NOT for that. Any suggestions? I provided her with a VERY positive goal list last time we met with her.

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I don’t think K___’s biological mother is evil. Everybody thinks they’re doing right. If we think others do bad things because they have evil intentions, we may give up trying to influence them, become afraid of them, get angry with them, seek revenge, etc.

Also, I respectfully disagree that “once you’re in the system you tend to not care anymore” …this has not been my experience. And I also think that parents should involve law enforcement whenever a domestic battery occurs.

Re: living with boyfriend this summer. Remember, one of our major tenets here at Online Parent Support is to “foster the development of self-reliance.” Thus, if K___ lives out on her own for the summer, will this promote or inhibit self-reliance? The answer is clear: it will promote it.

I understand that you can make a good argument for her NOT living with the boyfriend (e.g., may get pregnant), but since “self-reliance” is PARAMOUNT, the recommendation would be to allow her to learn some ‘life -lessons’ away from the nest.

(NOTE: This assumes she is 17-years-old; if she's 16 or younger, then we need to come up with a different strategy.)

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Help for Parents of Defiant Teens

Mother says: "It's time for daughter to move out!"

Dear Mark,

HELP!! LOL!!

I just wanted to talk with you about some stuff; I am hoping you can email me as soon as you can!! Thanks for always responding so promptly, it has been a world of help!

I have emailed you plenty of times about our daughter. She is now graduated …thank heavens. We told you about the party she had in our house, and all the alcohol we found. She still won’t admit to it, but we know she did. I had emailed you before about her screaming and yelling on the phone with her boyfriend in our home and how we have asked her to stop it and it is breaking rules in our house when she does this. You suggested that she was in an addictive relationship and needed to move out for her sake as well.

She has done it two more times since; the last one scared my youngest daughter so much that she called me at work. I spoke with our oldest daughter about the situation and said it is time for her to move out, that she won’t respect our wishes and or our rules. She wasn’t sorry for her behavior; she just said she was upset. In addition over the weekend she received a ticket from a police officer for a minor in possession of marijuana and seems to think that it is the problem with society, not her.

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The ticket is over a $1,000 dollars. She has a place to go and doesn’t want to go there. It is a friend of ours, who has a spare room, just blocks from the college that she will be attending in the fall. We have offered to pay 2 months rent up front, so she won’t have to worry about it right away and we have told her she has 2 weeks to go and we will move her there. She wouldn’t hear of a studio, or a dorm or a room for rent with a bunch of students and all of her friends are either staying with their parents or are going away for college. We really have no options.

She says she doesn’t want to go and that we can’t make her. I said well you won’t stick to the rules and it is just time for you to get out on your own. We offered to move her stuff.

I think she is going to make this hard and I am trying to take control of my home. She has said terrible things about us to her grandmother, who has taken her side and also thinks we are terrible for making her leave as well.

I am at my wits end. Does this sound on track? I always want to make sure I am doing the right thing.

Thanks, P.

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Hi P.,

Yes …you are definitely on track. Let me share a story that occurred last spring with one of the mother’s of Online Parent Support who was going through the same thing with her daughter. And yes…it does seem heartless at first:

Mother wanted daughter out …daughter didn’t want to leave …but she did want to basically harass her mother on a daily basis. Finally mom mustered the courage to follow my recommendation. Here’s what she did:

One day while the daughter was at summer school, mom and friends got a U-Haul truck and packed up all of the daughter’s things, moved them to a studio apartment …then to put the icing on the cake, mom confiscated her daughter’s garage door opener and changed the lock on the front door.

She had warned her daughter up front to be out of the house by a certain date, or she would take these measures. The daughter called her bluff and lost.

Long story short …this mother has kept me posted over the year. Her daughter has since moved into a larger apartment and is continuing to do fine at college. Mother and daughter have a fairly civilized relationship now (you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder kinda thing).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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