How to Create Win-Win Outcomes Rather than Power Struggles: Tips for Parents

We see the main problem is he has turned on us... he is angry and is baiting us... he just came in from soccer and hit me with a tirade of swearing. He was angry because he wanted takeaway food and he was told that there was food at home. He has now taken off – it is 11pm. How do we make him realise that he needs to conform to our rules. He has no friends and we are the only people who support him. The punching of the walls and threatening to tell people that his father rapes him etc are just his way of punishing us. Will keeping the screws on him keep making the situation worse or will it eventually break him?

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Re: Will keeping the screws on him keep making the situation worse or will it eventually break him?

First of all, we're not in the business of "breaking" children. This implies a power struggle with one winner and one loser. Rather, we're in the business of fostering the development of self-reliance.

Secondly, as long as you are complying with the strategies as outlined in the eBook, you should expect things to get worse before they get better. But hold on a minute…

It sounds like you are in a power struggle here. Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). IT TAKES TWO TO CREATE A POWER STRUGGLE. I have never seen a power-drunk child without a power-drunk adult real close by. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in.

Create a win/win environment. HOW?

The following suggestions teach kids important life skills including self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills instead of "approval junkie" compliance -- or rebellion.

1. Ask what and how questions: How will we eat if you don't set the table? What is next on our routine chart? What was our agreement about what happens to clothes that aren't picked up? What happened? How do you feel about what happened? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? (This does not work at the time of conflict, nor does it work unless you are truly curious about what you child has to say.)

2. BONUS: HUGS! HUGS! HUGS! A hug is often enough to change the behavior -- theirs and yours.

3. Create a game: Beat the clock or sing songs while getting chores done.

4. Decide what you will do. I will cook only in a clean kitchen. I will drive only when seat belts are buckled. (I will pull over to the side of the road when kids are fighting.)

5. Distraction for kids and lots of supervision. Punishment decreases brain development. Kids are often punished for doing what they are developmentally programmed to do -- explore.

6. Do it WITH them. You may even want to go to the positive time out area with them.

7. KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME.

8. Get kids involved in cooperation. Say, "I can't make you, but I really need your help." (10 words)

9. Get kids involved in the creation of routines (morning, chores, and bedtime). Then the routine chart becomes the boss.

10. Limited choices: Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner. Do you want to set the table or clean up after dinner?

11. Make a "Wheel of Choice" together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to problems. Draw illustrations for each solution. During a conflict, invite child to pick something from the wheel.

12. No words: Use pantomime, charades, or notes. Try a hug to create closeness and trust -- then do something else.

13. Non-verbal signals. These should be planned in advance with the child. An empty plate turned over at the dinner table as a reminder of chores that need to be completed before dinner; a sheet over the television as a reminder that homework needs to be done first or that things need to be picked up in the common areas of the house.

14. Positive Time Out. Create a "nurturing" (not punitive) time out area with your child.

15. Put the problem on the family meeting agenda and let the kids brainstorm for a solution.

16. Use reflective listening. Stop talking and listen. Try to understand not only what your child is saying, but what he means.

17. Use ten words or less. One is best: Games. Towels (that may have been left on the bathroom floor). Homework. (Sometimes these words need to be repeated several times.)

Every child needs discipline, and the discipline style can provide connection or disconnection in the relationship.

The goals of discipline are:

1. To instill values.

2. To protect the child.

3. To teach the child lifelong skills for good character, such as responsibility and self-control.

Effective Discipline is:

• As fair and consistent as possible.
• Be Proactive. Moms & dads find underlying causes of misbehavior as well as teach future desired behavior. Punishment tends to be reactive and aims to just stop behaviors. Discipline connects the parent and child in their relationship. Punishment disconnects them.
• Kind, firm and safe.
• Mutually respectful: "Do unto others as you would have done to you." Although moms & dads have far more experience and knowledge than their kids, both moms & dads and child have the same right of having their feelings and dignity equally respected.
• Never includes punishment. Common examples of punishment are grounding with no time-limit, unrelated consequences, spanking, and threats of any kind.
• Ninety percent prevention and ten percent correction.
• Teaches and guides kids how to think for themselves. It doesn't just force them to obey. The world is a different place than 30 years ago. We don't want our kids to just blindly obey anyone — especially adults that may not have their best interests in mind. We want them to think for themselves and make good decisions.
• Uses real world "cause and effect" learning experiences.

Re: Power Struggles:

• Power struggles are generally about meeting needs: the needs of the parent and the needs of the child. Both aim to get their way, but at the expense of the other person not getting their way.

• Power struggles are often the result of the use of punishment. Kids will often react to punishment in the forms of rebellion, retaliation, fear, and/ or passive resistance.

• When moms & dads and kids are locked in a power struggle, it is important for the parent to stay calm and let go for the moment. They have more experience in self-control and can switch gears easier. Refuse to participate. The time to re-examine the needs of the moms & dads and child causing the power struggle is later, when the emotional temperature in the relationship has gone down. Be sure to address it though. Don't let it go unresolved forever.

Kids don't really misbehave. They act in inappropriate ways to get their needs met. The job of moms & dads is to meet those needs and teach kids how to get them met in socially appropriate ways. Kids are like icebergs. We see the tip of the iceberg (behavior) protruding out of the water. Most of the time, we don't even look at the massive ice part under the water (which are the needs and feelings) that supports the behavior. As moms & dads, we need to jump out of the boat, and into our submarine to look at what's happening with the child underneath the iceberg tip. Once the underlying needs and feelings of the child are recognized and addressed, the behavior often improves.

The most effective discipline tools used for older, school-aged kids and teens are active listening, "I" messages, time in, changing the environment, modeling, related consequences, and problem solving. Family meetings are also especially effective for this age.

A crucial discipline tool often overlooked is meeting the needs of moms & dads. Moms & dads who are hungry, tired, stressed, need support and a time-out don't often make their best parenting decisions.

You can't raise a child in a dictatorship and expect them to function as an adult in a democracy.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Avoiding Power Struggles Around Curfews

"Dear Mark: My daughter is asking to extend her curfew. It seems she can fight whatever. Would you please help me and let me have a strategy to have the curfew settle down. Thanks & Best Regards! F."

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Hi F.,

Here are some ideas and perspectives regarding curfews, including why having a “time you agree to be home” that is somewhat flexible might be better than the notion of a hard-and-fast curfew which most of us grew up with:

1. Practice Negotiation. It can be tempting--and easy--to create hard-and-fast rules about curfews, but most parenting experts agree that times that teens must be home should be worked out by parents and teens together.“Where are you going to be? How long? Is that enough time? Can you get home by then? Will you let us know if it’s a problem?” Asking these types of questions sets up a pattern of negotiation between parents and child that allows the child to be honest. Such questions also show that your main concern is the child’s safety—that Mom and Dad are not, as teens are quick to believe, merely control freaks.

2. Focus on Schedules. We do best if we keep schedules and curfews flexible, depending on the child and the event. Discussing curfews as you talk about overall schedules will take the focus off of “curfew” and put it on the type of activity, safety concerns, and responsibility issues.

3. Emphasize Safety. Helping our children understand that schedules are set up for safety can help them see curfews not as restrictive whims, but as practical matters. One family decided the “rules” regarding times to be home would be about knowing where all family members were at all times. This included children knowing where parents were as well.

Anger/Reason—

One father decided that the best way to handle kids coming home past the negotiated time was to simply explain that he was tired and would talk to the child later about the broken agreement. Then the next time the child asked to go out, he would say, “Oh gee, I’m just not up to worrying tonight. Why don’t you stick around” or “I’m sorry, you can’t go out tonight honey. I need my sleep”. Anger causes confrontation, but sometimes teenagers will listen to the practical effects that their lateness creates for you. (The humor in the responses also breaks down communication barriers.)

Contact List—

Have your sons or daughters leave a list of numbers where they will be and then let them know that you will be setting your alarm for the time they are expected home. You trust them, so it is no problem to go to sleep when they are out; however, should that alarm wake you and they haven’t called to let you know they will be home later, then you know something is wrong and you will start calling everyone on that list, ending with the police. However, if they are home on time, they can simply slip into your room and turn the alarm off before it wakes you.

Trust—

Create a relationship of trust by letting your children know that an important aspect of a curfew is for them to follow through on their promises. This is a different focus than “I don’t trust what you’ll be doing” or “I don’t trust your friends.” The reason for having a set time for coming home becomes more about the children showing you they are responsible and trustworthy.

Model—

Try to be organized and reliable with your own time to show your teen that you are serious about schedules and take other people’s time seriously.

Two-Way Street—

We’re often most effective when we simply let our teens know what our concerns are. For example, when our teen comes home late, we could say, ‘I hope this doesn’t happen again because I think it stresses our relationship. And you’re way ahead if our relationship is good. I think that when you do things that stress me out a lot, it doesn’t work out well for you in the long run’.

Handling curfews as part of the overall scheduling you do in a week helps your child have the opportunity to be responsible. Negotiation between parent and child is important and can create a sense of trust between parent and child in ways that strict one-way rules usually do not.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Assertive Parenting versus Conditionally Permissive Parenting

Hi Mark, In your article about Permissive Parenting under the conditional permissiveness I am confused---as you have said to make the kids EARN EVERYTHING---yet in this article it sounds like that is Conditional permissiveness and that is supposed to be a bad thing? Can you help me clear that up please? Thanks.

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Conditional parenting is not assertive parenting. Assertive parents:

• Say No
• Have a detailed Plan for Consequences
• Are Honest with their Children
• Structure Children's Behavior
• Foster Self-Esteem
• Manage Parental Stress
• Exercise Parental Leadership

With Conditionally Permissive Parenting:

• Parental demands are usually not explicit or spelled out in detail
• Freedom and material benefits are often given in return for behavior that reflects well on the family (parent’s ulterior motives or hidden agenda), such as making good grades or buttering up Aunt Sophie
• Moms and dads tend to see the adolescents as mini-adults.

Prospective moms and dads often don't realize that parenting is a twenty-year plus commitment, demanding their best efforts even at those times when everyone is tired. Acting with care is close to impossible in such everyday situations. Be proactive by learning to say no, use humor, carry out consequences, be honest, foster self-esteem, manage parental stress, and exercise parental leadership. Assertive communication is often avoided because moms and dads fear aggression, yet it usually prevents hostilities.

Be Honest with Kids—Don't lie to a youngster or promise what isn't in your power to deliver. Telling a youngster that the sun will be shining for a picnic is folly at best, and can destroy your youngster's faith in your integrity. Promising that another youngster will like him or her is another dangerous parent trap, causing more distress in the long run. Being honest about life's struggles teaches kids to share feelings and deal with reality rather than deny or avoid it.

Exercise Parental Leadership—Stand up courageously and be counted as a parent, not a buddy. Young people are in need of clear, positive leadership. They already have plenty of peers. Keep a journal of successes and challenges, and jot down strategies and solutions. Forgive yourself when you mess up. Visualize yourself as an assertive parent who can say no, use humor, calmly enforce consequences, be honest, encourage self-esteem, control parental stress, and exercise parental leadership. Assertive parenting can be both your finest joy and greatest challenge.

Foster Self-Esteem—Even your choice of rewards can help guide your kids into the comfort of assertiveness. When kids learn to feel proud of themselves, they have gained a life-long skill. Say, "Pat yourself on the back" to foster self-confidence. Do that more often than giving gifts and treats.

Have a Plan for Consequences—Think before speaking, and back up those words with firm, caring actions. Thinking through consequences can be done beforehand, when things are calm. Carrying out the consequences can be done in a matter of fact manner, expressing faith in the youngster's ability to come out ahead in the end. This allows the youngster to feel a sense of family as opposed to being at odds with the moms & dads.

It's OK to Say No—It is sometimes believed that saying no too often can squelch a youngster's self-esteem, creativity, or confidence, yet the opposite is more often the case. There isn't any need for apology or guilt when "no" is needed. One of the most common pitfalls moms & dads suffer is inexactness of language. When one means for a youngster to do something direct by telling, not asking. Adults don't have to be mean, just clear.

Manage Parental Stress—Do what you can to reduce stress by dealing with temper. Deal with your own feelings on a regular basis so you can keep an even disposition with kids. Keep the number of issues to be corrected close to one -- too many can cause confusion and frustration. Develop a poor memory for the bad times and a great memory for the good times.

Structure Kid's Behavior—It is far better to tell a youngster clearly what is expected. Structure builds awareness and confidence in one's behavior. Teaching manners and social skills positions a youngster for social success and becoming an assertive adult.

Use Humor—Remember to carry the emotional first-aid kit of humor at all times. It will help the whole family through the rough spots of daily life. Moms & dads can model the skill of not taking things too seriously. Educators suggest that modeling is one of the most effective methods of teaching.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents of Defiant Teens

Power-Struggles Over Curfew Violation: Tips for Parents

"My daughter is having great difficulty getting in by curfew. She always says things like, 'It’s so unfair! All my friends get to stay out later than I do. I don’t need a curfew. Just call me on the cell when I need to come home. Don’t you trust me?' Any advice? ~ Aussie mom"

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Setting a curfew is pretty easy when your kids are little, but it gets harder and harder as they mature. You have less control over their lives and they can get around on their own, particularly when they begin driving. But while kids certainly need more independence as they grow up, giving kids structure is also vitally important to their growth and development and, just as importantly, it helps keep them safe.

Only 48 percent of adolescents surveyed indicate that their family has clearly defined boundaries, which includes having clear rules and consequences and having parents that monitor their whereabouts.

Girls are more likely than boys to say that their parents keep track of their whereabouts. A full 86 percent of girls and 77 percent of boys say their parents ask where they are going and who they will be with most or all of the time.

Setting (and enforcing) clear, fair, and firm boundaries—and following through with consequences—is a critical part of being a good parent. It is most effective, though, when the boundaries are balanced by a warm, caring relationship with your kids, which includes their participation in the decision-making process.

Making young people part of the curfew discussion and establishing clear expectations and consequences gives them some of the independence they are looking for while still maintaining the boundaries they need to thrive.

Suggestions:

Adjust — Review and negotiate curfews together. There are exceptions to every rule, so it may be appropriate from time to time to change a curfew (such as during the summer or to allow your kids to participate in a positive activity at school or in the community).

Affirm — Tell your kids how much you appreciate it when they tell you where they will be and when they arrive home on time. This positive feedback will make it more likely that they will continue to respect the boundaries that you have set together.

Be Realistic — There is no “magic” curfew time for all kids. Match curfews to the needs of your family, your kids, and your community. Some kids need more sleep than others. Some communities are safer than others. Negotiate curfews that work for you, your child, and your family, and adhere to local laws.

Confirm the Plans — Before they head out the door, find out where your kids are going, whom they will be with, how they will be getting to where they are going and back, and when they plan to be home.

Enforce — Be consistent when enforcing consequences, but when boundaries are broken, do not give the impression that your kids or adolescents have failed. Instead, use these situations to teach them about responsibility.

Think Ahead — Do not try to set curfews when your kids or adolescents are begging to go out. Talk about expectations early and make sure that everyone understands what is expected. In addition, agree together on the consequences if curfew is broken.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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How to Help Your Child Make Responsible Choices Regarding Alcohol Use

Mark, As a responsible, caring parent, I want my children to make responsible choices regarding alcohol use that are consistent with my beliefs and values. But it’s not a simple issue. We have alcohol in our home and with meals, but don’t want the kids to drink before they are adults. In the midst of these issues, our children see and hear numerous ads that promote alcohol. They may be curious, and—particularly as they grow older—face pressure from their peers to drink. How do you deal with this issue in a positive, healthy way? T. C.

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By the time they graduate from high school, half of adolescents report consuming alcohol regularly. One-third report binge drinking. The greatest increase in alcohol usage occurs between grades 6 and 10. Good news: many young people do not consume alcohol. Fifty-five percent of middle and high school-aged students say that it is against their values to drink alcohol while they are adolescents.

Helping kids steer clear of alcohol involves more than simply warning them of the dangers (though that is important as well). It involves getting at the heart of asset-building to help them feel safe, supported, and free to talk about anything on their minds. And it involves building a strong relationship with your kids early and nurturing their personal values and skills to help them make smart decisions.

Suggestions:

Stay Involved—

• Have a Plan — As your adolescent gains more independence, negotiate a plan for what you will do if he or she is in a difficult alcohol-related situation. Make safety a top priority. Make sure your youngster knows that you will provide a “no-questions-asked-until-later” ride home from any party at which they feel uncomfortable.

• Keep Your Youngster Involved — Being active in youth clubs, school activities, religious activities and other caring environments with adult role models offers important reinforcements for your positive messages at home.

• Monitor — Keep track of where your adolescents go and who they are with. If they go to a party, check in advance whether an adult will be actively present and whether alcohol will be available.

• Set Consequences — Be clear about any consequences of underage drinking before there is a problem. However, do not make the consequences so serious that your teen will not ask for help if they are in serious trouble or need a safe ride home.

Communicate—

• Be Honest — Be honest about your own alcohol use. If you drank as an adolescent, share why you believe it was a poor choice.

• Be Proactive — Do not just wait for your kids to bring up alcohol or drinking. Use news stories, ads, personal incidents, and other opportunities to raise the issue—before it becomes a crisis.

• Share What You Believe — Be clear about your values and expectations regarding alcohol use and why you hold those values and expectations.

• Talk — Maintain open and honest communication. Help your kids feel comfortable talking with you about important and difficult topics.

Think About Community—

• Connect — Talk with other moms & dads about your values and concerns. Discuss what you expect from your kids and encourage them to set boundaries with your kids when needed. If you are struggling with issues, ask them for advice and support.

• Do Not Be Part of the Problem — Never purchase alcohol for young people or provide alcohol to a party for adolescents, no matter what the occasion.

Teach—

• Maintain Perspective — If your kids try alcohol, address the issue directly, but do not assume that they are “beyond hope.” Use it as an opportunity to help them learn from mistakes. However, if the problems persist or become more serious, seek professional support and help.

• Model — Model restraint in your own life. If you drink, use moderation. If you or your partner struggles with alcohol use, seek professional help.

• Teach — Help your kids develop skills to resist pressure to use alcohol. Do this by giving them opportunities to make decisions and be responsible, starting when they are very young. Role play with your youngster to teach them how they can say no along with other options they have when they’re under pressure.

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What To Do When Children Misbehave While On Family Vacation

Hello Mark, I've run into a spot of bother with A___ (and M___) and am unsure of what to do now. We have just had a 10-day (interstate) holiday at the beach and it was the worst holiday I've ever spent with this child. Her behaviour became appalling and consisted of alternating between constant whining and whining, ignorance of any request, arguing nonstop, fighting with other children and verbal abuse. I would remind her (when I had the energy) that the way she was speaking to me was unacceptable but M___ tried to just ignore her because he thought if I reprimanded her, she was getting a reaction and that's what she wanted. I'd have a lot of trouble letting ANYbody speak to me the way she was and so then we started to constantly disagree (with your words "ignoring behaviour is an overrated parenting technique" echoing in my head..!)

I am now in a really bad headspace, my eyesight is deteriorating again due to MS or stress or whatever, and now that we are home I feel like we are back where we started with you 4 or 5 months ago. My question to you is, how do we keep things going when the circumstances change? She had no money on the holiday because she hadn't done enough work prior to our leaving but when we went out to eat (which we had to do a lot) it's hard to deny her and ice cream for example when the other kids are having one. My mother only sees her once or twice a year and so gave her a few things when she visited (although mum did say she was now very worried about her with a view to what the future would hold for this willful and defiant child) and my mother doesn't voice an unrequested opinion lightly....

The topic of sending her away to school was raised as well but we would have to find a school strict enough to settle her down and it's all too hard. It's her 9th birthday on April 28th and I've said there will be no party (I've given her a little one every 2nd year till now and she is due this year) because she was so difficult whilst we were away. Perhaps we will just have to forgo a holiday in the future, I don't know. Appreciate your time and thoughts when you can Mark, L.

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Re: My question to you is, how do we keep things going when the circumstances change?

To all parents whose children misbehave while on vacation:

Your kid has misbehaved horribly! I can picture you now, thumbing frantically through the ebook, looking for the list of ways to choose a consequence. No, no, no. That won't do! I'm breaking it down into steps so you can think about it. This is not paint-by-numbers parenting!

Points to consider:

· Can you support the consequence with your actions? Does it make sense in terms of your family's values? Say you value time spent together. If the TV is located in a central location, and the consequence is that the child is not allowed to watch TV (and therefore is banned from the living room while the TV is on), then don't sit and watch TV all evening. If you do, you're applying more than the stated consequence of separating the child from the television—you're separating the child from you.

· Check it against the requirements—is it based in nature, is it based in logic? Does it fulfill the 4-Rs (related, respectful, reasonable, rewarding)? Will your child learn from it?

· Consider what you want the consequence to achieve. The point of all discipline is to teach your child internal control over her behavior. You're training her conscience, and her ethics. You're teaching her how the world works. Long after you're dead and buried, this conscience, ethical sense and knowledge of the world should still be instructing her on how to behave.

· Consider whether you'll be able to follow through on the consequence. Saying, “That's it, we're not going on vacation!” is not only unreasonable, it's unrealistic. Yes, you are going on vacation. You need it, the tickets have been purchased, the hotel reserved.

· Whenever you're applying consequences, take as much time as you need, remember to keep consequences close to the action, do your best, and forgive yourself for making mistakes.

Defining Consequences Ahead of Time (a good thing to do before going on a vacation) —

Whenever possible, it's best to define consequences ahead of time. It takes a little time, but the advantages are enormous:

• This forces you to think about it, right?
• It will get you away from that “I'll show you,” punitive frame of mind, and back into the “Zen of inevitability.” You'll be calm, cool, and collected.
• You won't have to think through a veil of red anger, or stall until you've talked with your parenting partner. Consequences work best when they are immediate.

Predefined consequences are the other half of family rules and personal limits. An easy way to predefine consequences is to sit down with any lists you've already made of family rules and your child's limits. Take each rule and limit and rewrite it in the following form:

· Rule or limit. If rule or limit is broken, then consequence.

Here are two examples:

· We do not eat at the computer. If anybody eats at the computer, the consequence will be:

· Robert's bedtime is 8:30 on school nights. If Robert doesn't go to bed, the consequence will be:

Setting up the consequences ahead of time doesn't always work, nor is it always appropriate. Here are two disadvantages of predefining consequences:

· It puts you into a negative frame of mind while you're making your list—everything is looked at in terms of what can go wrong, instead of expecting, assuming, and supporting that everything will go right.

· It doesn't figure in the flexibility required. There may be extenuating circumstances, or the consequences defined may not actually fit when the moment comes.

When you're called upon to think up consequences immediately and on the spot use this short, succinct, and highly effective technique called STAR.

STAR stands for Stop, Think, Ask, Respond:

• Stop: Breathe, calm yourself, take 10.
• Think: Think about what is really going on, about what your child needs, and about her positive intent.
• Ask: Here's where you can use active and proactive listening, to get your child's perspective (yes, this step is necessary!).
• Respond: Apply a consequence that satisfies the 4-Rs.

Letting the Child Decide—

Older kids who are experienced in making fun choices (ice cream or cake? Swimming or ice skating?) can start working with you to determine appropriate consequences. Before you start asking your kids to help you determine their own consequences, make sure they've had positive experiences with choice making, and are old enough to understand how consequences work (logical, natural, the 4-Rs, and so on).

Avoiding Inappropriate Consequences—

There are so many varieties and examples of illogical and inappropriate consequences that I'm a little leery about bringing them up at all. If a consequence isn't natural or logical, if it doesn't fit the 4-Rs and it doesn't teach anything, then it's inappropriate. There's another kind of inappropriate consequence to watch for: the double-dip.

Words to Parent By—

A double-dip consequence is a consequence one step removed—a consequence applied because the parent is upset that a child has done something away from home that required somebody else to apply discipline. Double-dip consequences are very common, but highly inappropriate. An extreme example: A child is spanked for “earning” (and getting) a spanking from somebody else: unjust, unfair, and punitive.

Here are some examples of double-dip consequences:

· Disciplining your child because he was disciplined at school. You can and should talk about what happened, chat about the child's feelings (and your own), and brainstorm ways of avoiding similar situations in the future.

· Natural consequences often lend themselves to double-dipping. Be wary! People have a tendency to scold or discipline a child for letting a natural consequence occur. If Maurice's favorite toy breaks because he threw it against the wall, it's double-dipping (and inappropriate) for you to scold and berate him for breaking it. He will learn more from the natural consequence if you simply talk with him in a kind, firm way about what happened, how he (and you) feels, and how to avoid the situation in the future.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Implement "Modified Grounding"

I have ordered your e-book and have spent the last couple of days reading through the online version. ODD is not recognised in this country (yet) but you describe my son to a tee. He is 15 and we have had problems with him since he started school at the age of 3. However, things have come to a head of late. He is on the verge of being excluded from school with only 8 school week until his main exams start. He was in trouble with the police this week for the first time and was cautioned with criminal damage.

We have always been strict parents and have never given him everything he wants, but still comes out as a highly overindulged child (score 83) and he fits every trait you mentioned (except malicious gossip).

However my question is this. We have always used grounding as a consequence and up until the last month or so he has adhered to it. But now he refuses to accept the grounding and just walks out of the house. I feel powerless to ground him now as he just ignores me and his father and goes. At the beginning I was phoning all his friends to try and find him, but the last couple of times this week I haven't bothered and he has come home at the time he is supposed to.

Tonight he asked to stay out at his friends til 10pm and I said I would like him home at 9 as this is becoming the norm of asking for an extension everytime he goes out. I then said (following your programme) that if he stayed out until 10 then he would have a consequence, to which he replied we would just have to wait and see until tomorrow came and see what I could do about it.

We are both at our wits' end and don't know how to handle this, as part of your course is grounding. Can you give us any advice please. Have thought of doing something else apart from grounding, but then that means that he is in control of the situation?

Many thanks for any advice you are able to give. Kind regards, M.

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Hi M.,

Many parents use grounding as a discipline technique with their older children. However, when parents ground their children for long periods (e.g., several weeks or more) it often loses its effectiveness because there is typically little incentive for children to behave well during the grounding. 

 

Also, when parents ground children for a long period of time, they often give in and reduce the length of grounding because of the restraints it places on the whole family. When this happens, children learn their parents won't follow through with the grounding they impose.

The modified grounding procedure described below involves brief and intense grounding but the child is allowed the opportunity to earn his or her way off grounding by completing a job assignment. This technique is most appropriate for older children (e.g., 10-16 year olds).

 

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*Develop a job list. The first step in initiating the modified grounding technique is to sit down with your child and develop a list of 10-15 jobs that often need to be done around the home. Do not sit down with your child to start this procedure at a time when your child is about to be punished. Choose a time when your child is behaving well to discuss the technique and to generate a list of jobs. 

 

These jobs should not be chores that your child is expected to do on a regular basis. These jobs should take a significant amount of time to complete (e.g., at least 1-2 hours). The jobs should also be things that your child is capable of doing. Examples of such jobs include washing the windows in the house, cleaning out the garage, and cleaning the bathroom.

*Write each job description down on an index card. The next step is to write each individual job on a separate index card. This description should include a very detailed description of exactly what is required to do the job satisfactorily. For example, cleaning the garage would involve removing all objects from the garage, removing cobwebs on the ceilings, sweeping the floor, hosing/scrubbing the floor, and replacing objects in an organized and neat fashion. If some jobs are relatively brief, it is possible to combine jobs together so that all cards have a job assignment that will take approximately the same total time to complete.

*Explain the procedure. After this list has been generated, your child should be told that when he or she misbehaves to the degree that grounding is necessary, this new discipline technique will be used. Immediately after the misbehavior has occurred, the child will be told he or she is grounded and an index card will be picked at random. The child will be completely grounded until that job has been completed to the parent's satisfaction. For particularly significant misbehavior, more than one card can be drawn.

*Define what grounding means. Grounding is severe and means staying in one's own room (or an assigned room) except for attending school, eating meals, or performing chores. During grounding there should be no television, no video games, no radio or tape players, no other games/toys, no visitors, no telephone calls, no snacks, no reading materials except school books, and no outside social activities. If a family outing is scheduled, a sitter should be used so that the grounded child remains at home while the parents and other family members can still go on the family outing.

 

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*Explain the rules one time only. It is critical that you not nag your child about the jobs to be done. The rules of grounding should only be explained to your child once.

*Check your child's work. After your child has completed the assigned job(s) he or she should come to you so that his or her performance can be checked. If the job has been done well, it is important to briefly praise your child for the job performance and inform him or her that the grounding is over. If the job has not been completed satisfactorily, briefly provide feedback to your child on the aspects of the job that have been done well and those that need additional work. Be specific in what additional work needs to be done. Try to handle corrective feedback in a matter-of-fact manner without nagging, lecturing, or becoming upset.

Using this modified grounding procedure, your child earns his or her way off grounding. Therefore, your child basically determines how long the grounding will last. Grounding may last anywhere from just a few hours to several days. If the grounding lasts more than several days, it is important to check to make sure your child is being appropriately grounded (e.g., they're not sneaking television/radio).

This modified grounding procedure can be a very effective discipline technique for older children (e.g., 10-16 year olds). However, it is critical that parents also remember to frequently praise and give their children positive feedback when they are behaving well. As with any punishment technique, grounding will only be optimally effective when there is a positive and loving relationship between parents and their children.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Divorced Couple Disagrees on How to Discipline the Kids

Mark, I'm new to your program, and just getting ready to do the assignments for week 1. My x-wife has custody of my daughter, though I have her at my house about 50% of the time. My question has to do with my x-wife. She undercuts any discipline that I have ever tried with my daughter. The first week has shown me that I am an overindulgent parent. My x-wife is off the charts overindulgent. I can never get her on the same page with me for very long. When my 16-year-old daughter goes out of control, my x-wife will want to work with me until my daughter goes to work on her. Then she takes her side. What do recommend with respect to my x-wife? She has never wanted to participate in any counseling and really seems to convince herself that there is nothing wrong (usually this happens when my daughter behaves for a short period of time). I love your program, the first week has taught me more than I ever could have imagined. Thanks, J.

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Hi J.,

It’s not surprising that parents have differing views on the best way to discipline their children. Working out those differences requires clarity and perspective.

Other matters can usually be resolved by compromise or agreeing on which parent will set the rules about particular issues. Even so, forming a united front on discipline is often more easily said than done. Here are some ideas that may help:

· Ask why the other parent wants to discipline in a particular way. Listen to their response without interrupting. Be respectful, caring, and patient.

· Ask yourself why you are opposed to your parenting partner’s method. What are you afraid will happen?

· Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in children’s behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. It should come as no surprise that your toddler becomes defiant or your preschooler has an occasional temper tantrum. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle these predictable situations. That way you’ll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

 

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· Don’t be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your ex-spouse, your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining children. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: It helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as parents, and it gives you and your ex-spouse a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

· Don't let negative childhood experiences determine your decision making about discipline. Keep your focus on the positive aspects of your family life in childhood to bring to your current parenting practices. This approach will free you to replace discipline strategies that don't work for both parents because of beliefs based in families of origin with solution-focused practices that respect and continue the positive experiences of both parents' childhoods.

· Explore discipline options, balancing the pros and cons. Decide which responses are most constructive for your parenting goals.

· Find out how the other parent wants the child to behave in the future.

· Find out what the other parent is afraid will happen if he/she doesn’t discipline their particular way.

· Negotiate a Plan in Calm Waters. Sit down with your ex-spouse and try to agree on ways to discipline at a time when nothing is wrong. When you discuss things calmly, you're more likely to come up with a plan you can both stick to. This will allow you to talk about what's best for your child, and not "who's right."

· Present a Unified Front. Kids understand when their parents feel differently about disciplining, no matter what their age. Children will often get away with misbehaving simply by creating an argument between you and your ex-spouse — and this not only lets them off the hook, it creates a problem between the parents. Make sure that your child sees both parents following the same guidelines, no matter what the scenario. Once your kids start receiving the same treatment from both parents, they'll stop using your disagreements as a way to avoid punishment.

· Put your childhood experiences in historical perspective. Gender roles, child safety issues, environmental factors, and cultural norms change dramatically across the generations. What worked for your family 'back in the day' may not transfer comfortably to your current family situation. What are the issues in modern family life that trigger a strong belief that the values and child-rearing practices from your childhood are important to uphold and continue in your own family?

 

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· Recognize that strong beliefs about child rearing may have their basis in childhood family experiences. At the same time, know that your ex-spouse's beliefs have the same powerful roots.

· Recognize What Your Arguments Do to Your Children. No child likes to see his or her parents fight. When you argue about what to do with your kids, you create a troubling environment for them, which could have serious long-tem effects. Fighting with your ex-spouse shifts the focus away from your child — and how they can learn to stop misbehaving — and on to a "parent versus parent" situation.

· Remember the positive experiences from your childhood. Think about your everyday life rather than the major events. What was going on around you during those happy times? It's fun to share these memories with your family, so make them a part of your traditions and family life. What are the positive values and childhood experiences that you want to uphold and continue in your family?

· Have a conversation between parents about the ways childhood histories may be influencing the disagreement about discipline. Take a problem-solving approach to identify:

What is the specific child-rearing issue that is causing disagreement between parents?

What are the feelings and beliefs that each parent has about the issue that may be rooted in childhood family history?

What problem-solving alternatives can each of you commit to that will resolve the disagreement and unite both parents in adapting the beliefs and practices of your families of origin to your family life today?

Lastly, always keep in the back of your mind that a weaker parenting plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one.

I hope this helps,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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"My son wants my partner out of the house and is telling me to choose..."

Dear Mark, My son wants my partner out of the house & is telling me to choose. He is mega angry. I've told him it is not his decision. But I am feeling very crushed & overwhelmed. My partner is too, but he is angry with my son in a sulky sort of way & the atmosphere here is a tinderbox. I feel very stuck, torn and scared.

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Here are some tips regarding father-figure and son conflict:

As weird, ironic and contrary to what seems apparent as it is, these situations can sometimes (sometimes) be worked out fairly simply. At least doing this in the context of counseling -- sort of a one-two punch -- it is possible to help a youngster accept that:

a) he can love his biological dad without being in danger of being hurt emotionally as long as he doesn't expect dad to be perfect or take missed contacts and whatnot as evidence of an inner lack of personal worth,

b) he can have a much better, rewarding relationship with his father-figure and can actually then have two dads,

c) he can use the experience to burn into his memory how it feels to be on the kid-end of this crappy situation and resolve not to do this to his own son some day,

d) he can give you credit for loving him enough to try to find him an additional (not a replacement) dad to make sure he had enough father-figures in his life,

and e) he can sort things out so he realizes suffering and complex relationships can work out such that you are smarter and feel better afterward.

Contrary to apparent expression of feelings, your partner is probably not the problem at all. Of course it is always possible that a father-figure is really a sadistic jerk. However, assuming that is not the case, it is not likely that the solution is to dissolve the relationship.

It's my experience that such kids are very hungry for a good relationship with a father-figure -- actually any father-figure. They want a good relationship with their biological father and are well aware that this is just not going to happen with him. This is an enormous struggle for the child.

Your partner in all likelihood can, with a bit of luck, find something fun to do with your child that can be fun for both. Sometimes it is tough, and a counselor can help a lot in this area. Basic rule of thumb is the trick to find something the child likes to do that your partner can do with him -- it doesn't work as well to have the child do things with a father-figure that the father-figure likes to do.

Your partner will be happier and have more patience if he reinterprets the hatefulness as a cry for help to have a safe, strong father-figure. It doesn't make it easy, but it makes it less difficult.

Your child identifies with his biological father. Any negativity about his father will be experienced as negativity about him. Thus, telling him his dad is a loser will translate to telling him he, himself, is a loser. Telling him his dad loves him but has a lot of trouble dealing with emotions and straightening out his behavior is more helpful. That is also, in all likelihood, what is actually happening with your son.

Your child may be feeling thrown away, devalued, unwanted. In spite of all sorts of people saying the opposite, you can probably assume that he is struggling with a great deal of anger toward himself -- assuming that he has done something to make his dad so angry, unloving, inconsiderate and touchy. This doesn't go away with talking. This goes away -- maybe -- as people demonstrate this is not the case. An experienced counselor can help with ideas about how to accomplish this while also working on opening up the child's willingness to change his mind.

Your son is probably experiencing a great deal of stress, conflict and confusion. You can't rely on what he is saying. Adults get very confused, hostile and grumpy under far less frustrating, distressing circumstances. It is no mystery that a child would. Adults will tell you what is wrong, but they may be very, very wrong. It is easier, sometimes, to figure out what is going on without asking the person who is so confused, upset and distressed.

Understand that when your son is dumping hateful emotions on your partner, this is probably an attempt to get some help dealing with his emotions, confusion and stress. It is also probably an indication that your partner is seen as safe to "reach out to" in order to get help. Yes, it’s a lot of stress to dump on poor father-figures, but kids in these situations do not feel comfortable confronting their biological dad. Confronting him may result in harsh retribution and a quick termination of the relationship.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Son Refuses to Go On Spring Break Trip with Family

Hello Mark,

First, thank you for your calm and sensible way of dealing with these problems. We have appreciated
the help.

We have a dilemma. Spring break is coming and a trip has been planned. Our 17 year old son, for whom we started your program doesn't want to go. He would like to go on an alternate trip with a friend and his family, which would only be for part of the time we will be gone and just staying around town at home or with other friends the rest of the time.

One of the reasons we started your program was a little incident earlier in the year when we found he had a party with alcohol in the house when we were out of town. We tried to get him to talk to us about what he thought would be an appropriate punishment but when he didn't come up with anything on his own we came up with some restrictions he of course didn't agree with. He did stick to it pretty well with only a few changes that we discussed prior to the events. Another was his lack of motivation and sort of a passive aggressive way of dealing with us and blowing off chores and school. He's had a few angry outbursts but nothing violent towards us, he does have a punching bag that has gotten a workout on a couple of occasions.

Since starting your program things have improved but I'm still concerned about leaving him here while we're gone.

I thought about getting him to write an itinerary of where he would be each day with phone numbers of the homes he would be staying in so we could call there each evening and make sure he was actually in those places. The other idea was to write up a contract of what was expected of him while we were gone.

I'm feeling apprehensive but would really like to trust him to do the right thing. He will be going off to college next year so it would be great for him to show more maturity at this point.

If you could help in any way we would really appreciate it.

Thank You,

A.

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Hi A.,

Here are a few questions to think about:

• Can your son understand and follow safety measures?
• Does your son follow your instructions about staying away from strangers?
• Does your son know basic first-aid procedures?
• Does your son make good judgments about what kinds of risks to take?
• Does your son show signs of responsibility with things like homework, household chores, and following directions?
• Does your son understand and follow rules?
• How does your son handle unexpected situations?
• How calm does your son stay when things don't go his way?

Even if you're confident that your son does well with all of the above, it's wise to make some practice runs, or home-alone trials, before the big day. Let your son stay home alone for 30 minutes to an hour while you remain nearby and easily reachable. When you return, discuss how it went and talk about things that you might want to change or skills that your son may need to learn for the next time.

Even after you decide that your son is ready to stay home alone, you're bound to feel a little anxious when the time comes. But some practical steps taken in advance can make it easier for you both:

1. Schedule time to get in touch. Set up a schedule for calling. You might have your son call as soon as he walks in the door (if coming home to an empty house), or set up a time when you'll call home to check in. Figure out something that's convenient for both of you. Make sure your son understands when you'll be able to get in touch and when you might not be able to answer a call.

2. Set ground rules. Try to set up some special rules for when you're away and make sure that your son knows and understands them. Consider rules about:

• answering the phone
• getting along with siblings
• having a friend or friends over while you're not there
• Internet and computer rules
• kitchen and cooking (you may want to make the oven and utensils like sharp knives off limits)
• not telling anyone he is alone
• opening the door for strangers
• rooms of the house that are off limits, especially with friends
• TV time and types of shows

3. Childproof your home. No matter how well your son follows rules, be sure to secure anything that could be a health or safety risk. Lock them up and put them in a place where your son cannot get to them or, when possible, remove them from your home. These items include:

• alcohol
• car keys
• guns (if you do keep one, make sure it is locked up and leave it unloaded and stored away from ammunition)
• lighters and matches
• over-the-counter medications that could cause problems if taken in excess: sleeping pills, cough medicine, etc.
• prescription medications
• tobacco

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter is Angry with Mother Most of the Time

My 13 year old daughter is angry at me most of the time. It is hard to say anything to her without her snarkyness "don't talk to me" or "I know" ect. I never know if I should let it pass or jump on it. Then later she will ask rather nicely if she can go to a friends. Do I say "no" now because of the earlier rudeness that I endured BUT did not act on at the time? Week 2 is hard. So many issues and hard to pick where and what battles to tackle in the heap.

Also, her 16year old sister is so "good". This builds a lot of resentment with my 13year old. She wonders why all these rules only seem to apply to her. She always says we favor her sister. Her sister does what she is suppose to without problem. She is pleasant and works hard at school. I don't know what to say to my 13 year old about why only she had to have all these extra chores and rules.

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Teen anger takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of teenage anger, the behavior that we see. Some teens may repress their anger and withdraw; others may be more defiant and destroy property.

They will continue their behavior, or it may escalate, until they decide to look within themselves to the roots of their anger. But teenage anger is a feeling, an emotion, not a behavior. And anger is usually caused by something going on in a teen's life.

Teen anger can be a frightening emotion for the teen and for the parents, but it is not inherently harmful. Its negative expressions can include physical and verbal violence, prejudice, malicious gossip, antisocial behavior, sarcasm, addictions, withdrawal, and psychosomatic disorders. These negative expressions of teenage anger can devastate lives, destroying relationships, harming others, disrupting work, clouding effective thinking, affecting physical health, and ruining futures.

But, there is a positive aspect to such expression, as it can show others that a problem exists. Teenage anger is usually a secondary emotion brought on by fear. It can motivate us to resolve those things that are not working in our lives and help us face our issues and deal with the underlying reasons for the anger, specifically things such as:

• Abuse

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Grief

• Alcohol or substance abuse

• Trauma

Teens face a lot of emotional issues during this period of development. They're faced with questions of identity, separation, relationships, and purpose. The relationship between teens and their parents is also changing as teens become more and more independent. Parents often have a difficult time dealing with their teen's new-found independence. And it can bring up issues of the parents' own anger.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

This can bring about frustration and confusion that can lead to anger and a pattern of reactive behavior for both parents and teens. That is, teens are simply negatively reacting to their parent's behaviors, and parents react back in an equally negative manner.

This sets up a self-reinforcing pattern of interaction. Unless we work to change our own behavior, we cannot help another change theirs. We need to respond rather than react to each other and to situations. The intention is not to deny the anger, but to control that emotion and find a way to express it in a productive or at least, a less harmful, manner.

Teens dealing with anger can ask these questions of themselves to help bring about greater self-awareness:

• Where does this anger come from?
• What situations bring out this feeling of anger?
• Do my thoughts begin with absolutes such as "must," "should," "never?”
• Are my expectations unreasonable?
• What unresolved conflict am I facing?
• Am I reacting to hurt, loss, or fear?
• Am I aware of anger's physical signals (e.g., clenching fists, shortness of breath, sweating)?
• How do I choose to express my anger?
• To whom or what is my anger directed?
• Am I using anger as a way to isolate myself, or as a way to intimidate others?
• Am I communicating effectively?
• Am I focusing on what has been done to me rather than what I can do?
• How am I accountable for what I'm feeling?
• How am I accountable for how my anger shows up?
• Do my emotions control me, or do I control my emotions?

So what can teens and parents do? Listen to your teen and focus on feelings. Try to understand the situation from his or her perspective. Blaming and accusing only builds up more walls and ends all communication. Tell them how you feel, stick to facts, and deal with the present moment.

Show that you care and show your love. Work towards a solution where everyone gets something, and therefore feels okay about the resolution. Remember that anger is the feeling and behavior is the choice.

RE: "Do I say 'no' now because of the earlier rudeness that I endured BUT did not act on at the time?"  Only if you've told her ahead of time that backtalk and rude comments result in withheld privileges.

RE: "This builds a lot of resentment with my 13year old."  Click here for information on sibling rivalry

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Son Complains to Grandma Whenever He's Disciplined by Mom

"I AM NEW TO YOUR PROGRAM AND I DO HAVE A SITUATION I DIDN'T SEE ON YOUR SITE. I HAVE 6 KIDS, TWO OF WHICH ARE STEPSONS. THE OLDEST OF THE TWO IS THE ONE I AM HAVING ISSUES WITH. MY HUSBAND WORKS OFFSHORE AND IS GONE A LOT, SO I AM ON MY OWN A LOT OF THE TIME.

THE PROBLEM I KEEP ENCOUNTERING IS WHEN THE STEPSON GETS INTO TROUBLE OR IS NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING HE WANTS TO CALL HIS GRANDMOTHER (MY MOTHER-IN-LAW) TO WHINE AND COMPLAIN TO HER.

SHE ALWAYS TRIES TO CONTROL WHAT GOES ON IN MY HOME AND HAS EVEN GONE TO HIS SCHOOL TO TALK TO HIS TEACHERS, COUNSELORS AND SO ON.

I REALLY HAVE REACHED THE END OF MY ROPE WITH THIS ISSUE AND FEEL LIKE I CAN'T EVEN DISCIPLINE HIM FOR FEAR OF WHAT SHE MIGHT DO OR SAY.

ANY ADVICE?

HOPELESS IN LOUISIANA, K."

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There is a thin line between being interfering and being helpful, and a child's grandparents seem to be constantly crossing that line.

When a child is born, the child's grandparents can be a great source of help, support and encouragement. Grandparents almost always know what to do when their grandchild child is unwell, not eating, not burping, not sleeping, crying too much, sneezing.... and so on. In fact, many women would call their mothers or mothers-in-law before calling their husbands, for advice regarding health issues. But when it comes to advice regarding child rearing, it suddenly seems as though grandparents have it all wrong.

There is a thin line between being interfering and being helpful, and a child's grandparents, (especially if they are your in-laws!) seem to be constantly crossing that line.

If you discuss your child's behavioral aspects with his grandparents, be prepared for advice. If you don't want to hear advice, then don't discuss their problems with them. It would be unfair on your part if you unburden your worries on them, and then when they offer solutions, argue with them about why what they are saying doesn't make sense.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Be prepared to heed some advice. Don't be completely closed to their inputs. After all, they did bring up your spouse, didn't they? And how wrong did they go? If you love your spouse and if he turned out to be a sensible, balanced and nice person, it makes sense for you to at least give their ideas a fair hearing even if such ideas oppose yours. It is always better to have an open mind with regard to child rearing since everything is so subjective.

It is true that you can bring up your child the way you feel is right, but in your strong desire to do this, don't discount good tips. Many mothers, feeling threatened by constant interference from in-laws, make it a point not to heed their advice. This is completely understandable, as it is just a defensive reaction. Instead, if you have a problem with your child's grandparent's interference, discuss it with them. Let them know that you feel a certain way on certain issues, and that you would welcome their suggestions on other matters or when you ask for them.

It is all too easy for parents to criticize in-laws for interfering, but not all understand the emotion behind such interference. True, many in-laws are unnecessarily dominating, but irrespective, if you feel that their ideas do not completely go against your beliefs, you could perhaps give in to them every once in a while to maintain peace, especially if you are living together. Don't refuse to listen to them because you know that your husband is on your side or because you know that you have enough freedom and really can do whatever you want. Instead of simply turning a blind eye to what grandparents feel, discuss it with them and let them know why you feel strongly about doing things in another manner.

Always remember that grandparents nowadays have valuable experience, and make for the best baby sitters. These days, with people staying healthier in their old age, grandparents can participate in various activities with their children. They can tell them stories of the days gone by, inculcate in children a sense of family pride, and increase a child's knowledge about his culture and heritage. So bear this in mind the next time you are tempted to snap at them for interfering. It is for your own peace of mind.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Deal with Excessive Tiredness in Your Teenager

Hi Mark,

K's current problems are - bad sleep patterns, and not spending enough time on his study (in fact, almost no time).

Given the success of using the program for his other behaviours (still ups and downs, but he has actually modified his behaviour because of this program), I would like to state these rules & consequences:

1. No sleeping after school (or during the day on weekends). Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hours.

2. At least 1.5 hrs of study per night - in a way that is transparent. that is, when I look in on him, he should be entirely open about what homework he is doing. If he doesn't do enough time, or refuses to tell me what he is doing - Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hrs.

He had a blood test to rule out a medical cause for his tiredness (we get the results in a couple of days) - obviously if there is medical issue and the doctor says he needs more rest, I wouldn't have this rule, but I am confident that won't be the case, and I would like to have clear plan and clear expectations starting from next week.

As always, I appreciate your advice.

Thanks,

V.

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Hi V.,

I like it. Good plan.

I wouldn’t worry too much about any physical problems related to his being tired. I doubt that the tests will reveal anything. Most teens are at the developmental stage in which there is so much “growth-spurting” going on that tiredness is the rule rather than the exception. During the adolescent growth spurt, more sleep is required than previously because of increased growth (growth essentially goes on only during the hours of sleep).

The social pressures of the teen years - staying up late to watch TV, text on the phone endlessly with friends, or do the homework that should have been done earlier in the evening - when combined with the need to arise early in the morning for school, can easily create a situation in which the adolescent is chronically sleep deprived.

Inadequate sleep usually results in some variation of daytime sleepiness or tiredness, but may also curiously result in hyperactivity, school problems, emotional problems, and other daytime behavioral difficulties.

Before considering what might be causing “abnormal daytime sleepiness,” it is wise to begin by determining whether your son is even getting enough sleep to begin with. When a child goes to sleep at night and when he arouses in the morning may well be the explanation for sleepiness and lead to easy resolution of it.

For example, a 15-year-old should be getting about 8-3/4 hours of sleep per night. An 18-year-old needs about 8-1/4 hours.

Questions to consider:

Does your son consume any medications or drugs that can influence sleep patterns or lead to daytime sleepiness?

• antihistamines
• anti-seizure medications for epileptic children may cause drowsiness, especially phenobarbital
• caffeine (colas, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, tea)
• chocolate (active ingredient is theobromine, closely related to caffeine with similar effects)
• in adolescents, consider drugs of abuse, notably cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol

Are there any abnormal sleep behaviors?

• abnormal sleep positions (for example, the child cannot sleep unless neck is positioned awkwardly)
• bedwetting
• night terrors or confusional arousals (screaming or crying while not totally awake)
• sleepwalking
• Snoring or sleep apnea (prolonged cessation of loud breathing noises in sleep)

Are there daytime problems with school performance or behavior?

• emotional problems, teariness
• hyperactivity, aggressiveness or disruptive behavior
• inattention, mind wandering
• interference with peer relations
• poor grades - is the child functioning well at grade level?
• sleepiness in class

I hope this helps,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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