I've read thru the online book thru the 1st set of assignments. I feel like I have so many problems with my child that I don't know where to begin. He has ADD, ODD, depression and presently refusing to attend school....Actually reading your information so far has me confused as to what i should work on. Help! He's 15yrs old, and even routine simple requests turn into major issues.
``````````````````````````````````````````````
In this first week, I simply want you to work only on the objectives outlined in Session #1 assignments – nothing more for now. The objectives are pretty straightforward.
The goal of week one is to re-establish the broken bond between child and parent. We as parents must build a bridge back to our kids because, only then, will they accept discipline from us. Thus, concentrate on establishing trust and developing a renewed commitment to the parent-child relationship by following the Session #1 objectives.
The most common mistake I see time and time again is as follows:
The parent, out of a sense of desperation, (a) prints out a hard copy of the eBook, (b) skims through it in one sitting, (c) can’t find a magic bullet, and (d) says to herself – or to me – that she’s tried all this before and it doesn’t work. These parents will never, ever see success because they hop from one strategy to the next without giving any one strategy enough time to be effective. Please do not make this error. Be patient with the process, and you, too, will experience success with this program.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
David 's Story
This is the true story of a man who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and ADHD. His name is David.
David was diagnosed with ODD at the age of 3 and ADHD at the age of 6. His mother had him tested by a psychiatrist, because he would often lose his temper, argue, refuse to comply with rules, deliberately annoy his playmates, and blamed others for his misbehavior. This disturbance in behavior caused significant impairment in his social and academic functioning.
No one knows for certain why David got ODD plus ADHD. His parents divorced when he was 5. His father is an alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law many times [currently in prison – 2008].
When David was 3 years old, his mother thought that the terrible twos were finally over. They were not. His mother was very grateful that the grandparents were nearby. The grandparents were grateful that David's aunts and uncles lived nearby. David's aunt was grateful that this was her nephew, not her son. Why? David required an incredible combination of strength, patience, and endurance.
In elementary school, David's day usually started out with arguing about what he could and couldn’t bring to school. His mother and his teacher made out a written list of what those things were. David brought a PSP to school and told his teacher that his mother said it was alright. At first his teacher wondered about this, but David seemed so believable.
When David was 15 and in the ninth grade, he seemed to have one problem after the other. His teachers always commented that he was capable of much more if he tried. David's best friend, Alex, was currently doing a 6-month sentence for vandalism and shoplifting. Since David had almost no other friends, he would do anything to be Alex’s friend. David thought it was "cool" that Alex was at the Madison County Youth Center. David wanted to be just like his good friend Alex.
When David was 16, his mother had to work a lot because she wasn’t getting any child support from her ex-husband. David could pretty much go wherever he wanted to - whenever he wanted to since no one was home to keep a check on him. During this time, David found a lot of “cool” friends like Alex to hang around.
When David was 17 and in high school, his mother would not let him go to a dance. He broke all the windows in her car. He lasted two months in 11th grade before he was suspended for fighting. David lost the few “good” friends he had by getting kicked off the football team. He swore at a judge during a probation hearing and got two months in the Madison County Youth Center, which was extended to six months after he tried to attack a guard.
After his release from the Youth Center, he wanted to be able to drive. His mother said no, and he decided that was it and went over to a friend’s house and got drunk out of his mind. He also took a bunch of pills – and ended up over-dosing. His mother still remembers those words, "You'll be f-ing better off without me and if you come after me I'll f-ing kill you".
That horrible day was the turning point. It took five police officers to get him to go to the hospital. It took a careful evaluation to figure out that he wasn't just ODD and ADHD - he was very depressed, too.
David is now an adult. Life is not easy. He has already been to prison twice and is following in his father’s footsteps. When he’s not incarcerated, he works by himself [doing little construction jobs here and there] because he cannot get along with co-workers and doesn’t like to be told what to do by bosses. He leads to a very lonely life because he cannot keep a girlfriend for more than a few months.
David has made several suicide attempts, has seriously assaulted two individuals on two different occasions while at the local bar and grill, and makes a little side money selling drugs [he also carries a gun]. David is unaware that he has an increased risk of dying prematurely by violent means.
David never sees his father. His mother has made herself sick worrying about David. But David doesn’t really care whether he lives or dies. He is consumed with finding his next “high” and will bulldoze over anyone or anything that stands in his way.
Don’t happen to run into David on the streets.
If your child has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, seek help sooner than later.
Treatment of Oppositional Defiant Disorder includes:
·Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to assist problem solving and decrease negativity
·Family Psychotherapy to improve communication
·Individual Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management
·Parent Training Programs to help manage the child's behavior
·Social Skills Training to increase flexibility and improve frustration tolerance with peers
Parents can help their child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder in the following ways:
·Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
·Maintain interests other than your child with ODD, so that managing your child doesn't take all your time and energy.
·Manage your own stress with exercise and relaxation.
·Pick your battles. Since the child with ODD has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do.
·Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently. Take a time-out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better.
Online Parent Support
David was diagnosed with ODD at the age of 3 and ADHD at the age of 6. His mother had him tested by a psychiatrist, because he would often lose his temper, argue, refuse to comply with rules, deliberately annoy his playmates, and blamed others for his misbehavior. This disturbance in behavior caused significant impairment in his social and academic functioning.
No one knows for certain why David got ODD plus ADHD. His parents divorced when he was 5. His father is an alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law many times [currently in prison – 2008].
When David was 3 years old, his mother thought that the terrible twos were finally over. They were not. His mother was very grateful that the grandparents were nearby. The grandparents were grateful that David's aunts and uncles lived nearby. David's aunt was grateful that this was her nephew, not her son. Why? David required an incredible combination of strength, patience, and endurance.
In elementary school, David's day usually started out with arguing about what he could and couldn’t bring to school. His mother and his teacher made out a written list of what those things were. David brought a PSP to school and told his teacher that his mother said it was alright. At first his teacher wondered about this, but David seemed so believable.
When David was 15 and in the ninth grade, he seemed to have one problem after the other. His teachers always commented that he was capable of much more if he tried. David's best friend, Alex, was currently doing a 6-month sentence for vandalism and shoplifting. Since David had almost no other friends, he would do anything to be Alex’s friend. David thought it was "cool" that Alex was at the Madison County Youth Center. David wanted to be just like his good friend Alex.
When David was 16, his mother had to work a lot because she wasn’t getting any child support from her ex-husband. David could pretty much go wherever he wanted to - whenever he wanted to since no one was home to keep a check on him. During this time, David found a lot of “cool” friends like Alex to hang around.
When David was 17 and in high school, his mother would not let him go to a dance. He broke all the windows in her car. He lasted two months in 11th grade before he was suspended for fighting. David lost the few “good” friends he had by getting kicked off the football team. He swore at a judge during a probation hearing and got two months in the Madison County Youth Center, which was extended to six months after he tried to attack a guard.
After his release from the Youth Center, he wanted to be able to drive. His mother said no, and he decided that was it and went over to a friend’s house and got drunk out of his mind. He also took a bunch of pills – and ended up over-dosing. His mother still remembers those words, "You'll be f-ing better off without me and if you come after me I'll f-ing kill you".
That horrible day was the turning point. It took five police officers to get him to go to the hospital. It took a careful evaluation to figure out that he wasn't just ODD and ADHD - he was very depressed, too.
David is now an adult. Life is not easy. He has already been to prison twice and is following in his father’s footsteps. When he’s not incarcerated, he works by himself [doing little construction jobs here and there] because he cannot get along with co-workers and doesn’t like to be told what to do by bosses. He leads to a very lonely life because he cannot keep a girlfriend for more than a few months.
David has made several suicide attempts, has seriously assaulted two individuals on two different occasions while at the local bar and grill, and makes a little side money selling drugs [he also carries a gun]. David is unaware that he has an increased risk of dying prematurely by violent means.
David never sees his father. His mother has made herself sick worrying about David. But David doesn’t really care whether he lives or dies. He is consumed with finding his next “high” and will bulldoze over anyone or anything that stands in his way.
Don’t happen to run into David on the streets.
If your child has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, seek help sooner than later.
Treatment of Oppositional Defiant Disorder includes:
·Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to assist problem solving and decrease negativity
·Family Psychotherapy to improve communication
·Individual Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management
·Parent Training Programs to help manage the child's behavior
·Social Skills Training to increase flexibility and improve frustration tolerance with peers
Parents can help their child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder in the following ways:
·Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
·Maintain interests other than your child with ODD, so that managing your child doesn't take all your time and energy.
·Manage your own stress with exercise and relaxation.
·Pick your battles. Since the child with ODD has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do.
·Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently. Take a time-out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better.
Online Parent Support
She DID the dishes...
"It was a Godsend to speak to you, and again -- I thank you!
I am better today. Lia is home. I tried your the technique you teach of "give some praise through a wired shut by anger mouth"... :-) ..., yesterday on Lia. She DID the dishes, 1st time out and good.
After she finished them I said "TTTttttttthhhhhhaaannnnnkkkkk (aaarrrgggggggaAAaag) Yyyyyoooouuuu.
You did the dishes great and even put them away without being asked. Want to help with dinner?"...
I swear she stood frozen, like a deer cemented in headlights, and eventually said "sure". So today is a new day. A thankful while hopeful day for the ONE day of peace I had yesterday and for the hope of adding another day today. It is at least a start. Thank you!"
Take Care,
D.
Online Parent Support
I am better today. Lia is home. I tried your the technique you teach of "give some praise through a wired shut by anger mouth"... :-) ..., yesterday on Lia. She DID the dishes, 1st time out and good.
After she finished them I said "TTTttttttthhhhhhaaannnnnkkkkk (aaarrrgggggggaAAaag) Yyyyyoooouuuu.
You did the dishes great and even put them away without being asked. Want to help with dinner?"...
I swear she stood frozen, like a deer cemented in headlights, and eventually said "sure". So today is a new day. A thankful while hopeful day for the ONE day of peace I had yesterday and for the hope of adding another day today. It is at least a start. Thank you!"
Take Care,
D.
Online Parent Support
E-book is proving very helpful...
Dear Mark,
I just want to say your ebook is proving very helpful. I am almost 57 (A___) and have an adolescent son my height (14 in May) and another son 13 in August (who's shoulder height). I am a single mother - I agreed to 50/50 childcare on the divorce application 2 years ago, but have been dumped with 90 - 95% childcare, because my ex-husband took off to a place a 2-and -a-half-hour drive away, and sees the sons he wanted, only in holidays and a weekend a month whenever he dictates. When he left our home, and had bought a new place with a new partner BEFORE our divorce application was even lodged, I had the relief that my 'eldest dependent son' had left home. Yes, I was bullied and intimidated into doing everything - earning all the money, paying all the bills, doing the main bulk (deliberate redundancy there) of childcare (getting children to school en route to my job) and housework. And burning out. I see from your book I was the over-indulgent wife. Yes, indeed (due to intimidation, and his lack of educational skills, I think.)
And my ex-husband, March 2 is now in my elder son. I have no family in this city, all 5 uncles are in different countries, both grand-dads are dead, the father is a long way away, there are no male first cousins, so all in all I lack on-the-spot male role models for my sons, other than their school teachers. I tried to get them into scouting, but my ex-husband who actually was an Assistant Scout Leader, and scout-leadered other people's sons, just took off 3 months after our separation and ignored that request / necessity. There was a scout club hardly one kilometre from where his first flat was...OK, it sucks. I feel sad for my sons on this one, but without a car, can't do anything about it.
I bought your book last Friday, and we started a new era of parenting. I think I'm the HERO and the lost child - the one that hid in poplar trees, away from her father's almighty painful excessive use of the cane. I write peaceful music, and publish CDs and sheet music. That strong side of me has continued unabated throughout this pattern, I now see from your wise book, of being bullied and intimidated.
Today I refused to write my son a note to his history teacher asking for an extension. He's had 3 days to do it. My heart has become poker-faced, knowing I have to develop my sons' educational paths (which I accepted, and knew my marriage would disappear in order to achieve it) but now I'm aware I have to face up to the social / behavioural training for them as well to be acceptable to society. I know my elder son is pulling away from me - yes, I'm fired as the manager - and this is utterly necessary, but from now on, rather than my reacting to the bad manners (e.g. throwing an envelope on the floor at my feet - for school photos) and insisting on good manners, I have to PROACTIVELY set the limits and my expectations. And do the cheating - of positive verbal affirmation when things done well - which I have always done to a large extent, just like to the pets.
I will be reading up on Parent Traps at lunchtime. You can see I'm basically 2 generations older than my sons, with no family support anywhere around - the 2 grandmas are in a different country. It's good to have your invitation to on the odd occasion say how useful your material is. I used to be a high school teacher, and knew theoretically about Tough Love - even recommended it to the parents of out-of-control kids who ended up as suspensions on the school I was at. Now, I'm learning about the social necessity for this (gentler) form of Tough Love myself. Vital. There's a Big Brother Big Sister network I've found - my sons don't want anything to do with it, but as Mum, I've decided I do! So, that will be underway today. Google is very helpful.
Thanks,
K.
Online Parent Support
I just want to say your ebook is proving very helpful. I am almost 57 (A___) and have an adolescent son my height (14 in May) and another son 13 in August (who's shoulder height). I am a single mother - I agreed to 50/50 childcare on the divorce application 2 years ago, but have been dumped with 90 - 95% childcare, because my ex-husband took off to a place a 2-and -a-half-hour drive away, and sees the sons he wanted, only in holidays and a weekend a month whenever he dictates. When he left our home, and had bought a new place with a new partner BEFORE our divorce application was even lodged, I had the relief that my 'eldest dependent son' had left home. Yes, I was bullied and intimidated into doing everything - earning all the money, paying all the bills, doing the main bulk (deliberate redundancy there) of childcare (getting children to school en route to my job) and housework. And burning out. I see from your book I was the over-indulgent wife. Yes, indeed (due to intimidation, and his lack of educational skills, I think.)
And my ex-husband, March 2 is now in my elder son. I have no family in this city, all 5 uncles are in different countries, both grand-dads are dead, the father is a long way away, there are no male first cousins, so all in all I lack on-the-spot male role models for my sons, other than their school teachers. I tried to get them into scouting, but my ex-husband who actually was an Assistant Scout Leader, and scout-leadered other people's sons, just took off 3 months after our separation and ignored that request / necessity. There was a scout club hardly one kilometre from where his first flat was...OK, it sucks. I feel sad for my sons on this one, but without a car, can't do anything about it.
I bought your book last Friday, and we started a new era of parenting. I think I'm the HERO and the lost child - the one that hid in poplar trees, away from her father's almighty painful excessive use of the cane. I write peaceful music, and publish CDs and sheet music. That strong side of me has continued unabated throughout this pattern, I now see from your wise book, of being bullied and intimidated.
Today I refused to write my son a note to his history teacher asking for an extension. He's had 3 days to do it. My heart has become poker-faced, knowing I have to develop my sons' educational paths (which I accepted, and knew my marriage would disappear in order to achieve it) but now I'm aware I have to face up to the social / behavioural training for them as well to be acceptable to society. I know my elder son is pulling away from me - yes, I'm fired as the manager - and this is utterly necessary, but from now on, rather than my reacting to the bad manners (e.g. throwing an envelope on the floor at my feet - for school photos) and insisting on good manners, I have to PROACTIVELY set the limits and my expectations. And do the cheating - of positive verbal affirmation when things done well - which I have always done to a large extent, just like to the pets.
I will be reading up on Parent Traps at lunchtime. You can see I'm basically 2 generations older than my sons, with no family support anywhere around - the 2 grandmas are in a different country. It's good to have your invitation to on the odd occasion say how useful your material is. I used to be a high school teacher, and knew theoretically about Tough Love - even recommended it to the parents of out-of-control kids who ended up as suspensions on the school I was at. Now, I'm learning about the social necessity for this (gentler) form of Tough Love myself. Vital. There's a Big Brother Big Sister network I've found - my sons don't want anything to do with it, but as Mum, I've decided I do! So, that will be underway today. Google is very helpful.
Thanks,
K.
Online Parent Support
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
The Science of Rebellion: Understanding the Psychology Behind Teen Defiance and Growth
Adolescence, typically spanning from ages 10 to 19, is a pivotal and transformative stage of development characterized by profound shifts in...
-
Here's an email from a mother whose 17-year-old son is "on the run." He has a drug habit, and is basically floating from one l...
-
From the office of Mark Hutten, M.A. Online Parent Support, LLC Author of My Out-of-Control Teen The problem is that...
-
Teen: “Hey mom. I’m spending the night here at Sarah’s.” Mother: “No you’re not. I told you to be home by 11:00 PM.” Teen: “But ...
