How to Withhold Privileges

Losing privileges is one of the few behavior shapers you never run out of. Children will always want something from you. For this behavior modification technique to have a good chance of preventing recurrence of misbehavior, the youngster must naturally connect the withdrawal of privileges to the behavior.

Here are some good examples:

• “If you choose to ride your bike over to your friend’s house without asking permission, you also choose to lose your bike for 2 days.”
• “Since you dawdled and missed the morning carpool, you can walk to school.”
• “You get caught driving drunk and you lose your license.”

Here are some bad examples:

• “Since you decided to come home late for supper, you cannot watch any TV tonight.” (What does withholding television have to do with being home in time for supper? ...the child wonders.)
• “If you keep picking on your sister, you will not go over to your friend’s house to play basketball later.” (Not much of a connection here either.)
• "If you refuse to do your homework, you will get out there and pick up sticks in the yard."

Withholding privileges can work if it is part of a “pre-agreed upon” behavior management strategy decided on during a family meeting. Moms and dads state the behaviors they expect from their children and announce that part of the fun of being a parent is granting privileges to the children so they can have some fun too. But if the children don't hold up their end of the bargain, the parents cannot grant those privileges. So, being home in time for supper gets you the privilege of a half-hour of video games rather than the ‘video game time’ being an inalienable right of every citizen in the household.

Losing privileges is an effective form of discipline used to show kids that all privileges come with responsibilities and must be earned; therefore, when your youngster misbehaves, you can use the withholding method by temporarily removing an object or activity (e.g., video game, playing with friends). Before taking away the valued object or activity, explain to your youngster what you are doing and the reason for your action.

The amount of time the object or activity should be withheld solely depends on the level of misbehavior. Parents will want to “make the punishment fit the crime.” For example, if your child violates curfew by 30 minutes, “one-day grounding” would make sense because (a) there is an easily understood connection between “not coming home” (violation) and “being grounded at home” (consequence), and (b) being grounded one day for every 30 minutes the child is late seems reasonable by most standards.

Here are a few additional things to keep in mind when you use this withholding technique:

o  Be aware of what your youngster can and cannot do. Kids develop at different rates. They have different strengths and weaknesses. When your youngster misbehaves, it may be that he simply cannot do what you are asking or he does not understand what you are asking.

o  Be sure you can follow through on your promise.

o  Choose something that your youngster values that is related to the misbehavior.

o  For kids younger than 6 or 7 years, withholding privileges works best if done right away. For example, if your 5-year-old misbehaves in the morning, do not tell him he can't watch TV that evening. There is too much time in between, and he probably will not connect the behavior with the consequence.

o  Learn from mistakes—including your own. If you do not handle a situation well the first time, do not worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently, and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your youngster, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your him/her a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

o  Never take away something your youngster truly needs (e.g., a meal).

o  Once you make a rule or promise, stick to it.

o  Work toward consistency. Try to make sure that your rules stay the same from day to day. Kids find frequent changes confusing and may push the limits just to find out what the limits are.

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When Your Child is a Chronic Complainer

You may have children who whine a lot. They may tattle on their siblings, complain about things that you’re not doing right, cry about house rules, moan and groan about school, etc. Part of their “acting out” is this kind of constant annoying level of voicing grievances. What do you do?

Establishing a Grievance Time—

Set up a “grievance time” (e.g., after dinner). This is a time where you’re going to sit down with these children for five minutes – and that’s their time to register complaints. That’s when they get to tell you what’s really on their mind. You may even instruct them to keep a journal so they can keep track of grievance and write them down. So, something goes into their “grievance journal,” and then in grievance time, you take the time to explain it to them and point things out to them.

But…

This approach is a much more focused situation in which they can’t pretend not to understand or pretend not to hear. The great thing about the use of grievance time is, if the kids start “bitching” at 3:00 PM, you can say, “Write that in your grievance journal please, and we’ll talk about it at the grievance time.” In this way, the parent gets a way to defer the complaint and do what is called a “redirect.” You are effectively redirecting the kids to another task instead of the task that their complaining about – or instead of complaining about you.

 

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How to Help Resolve Complaints—

The ability to solve problems can be broken down into two separate but related parts:

• Analysis: this is the ability to break a problem down into its sub-parts and look at these closely to see how they fit together.

• Synthesis: having broken the problem down into its sub-parts, put the parts back again in such a way as to make sense of the original problem we are tackling.

The two aspects of problem-solving, analysis and synthesis, are vital steps towards a proper understanding of how to tackle problems. However, it has been found that many young people have great difficulty applying these steps. They fail to appreciate that problems can be broken down into more manageable blocks and tend to see them globally – as a whole – rather than in an analytical sense. As parents, there are a number of steps we can take to help our kids grasp this point:

1. After kids have generated their ideas and alternatives, help them evaluate the consequences. For example, “What might happen if . . .? Would it be safe? Would it be fair? How would everyone feel?” Parents should encourage kids to evaluate their ideas and see why they are acceptable or unacceptable.

2. Allow your youngster to fail. It hurts to see your youngster suffer or struggle, however the most important lessons are learned through our mistakes. Unless you youngster is in physical danger, allow them to learn cause and effect. A skinned knee, although sad, is just a skinned knee. Your youngster will learn that the behavior that caused the skin knee should be adjusted for future. Like my mom told me, you touched the stove once and never did it again. A youngster does not understand a stove is hot until they touch it themselves no matter your warning.

3. Ask for a decision. After kids evaluate their ideas, parents should restate the problem, summarize their ideas and let kids decide which actions they would like to try. If kids choose an idea that you think will not work, make sure they know what their alternatives are and what they should try next.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Ask your child if he has any ideas for how to solve his problem. If your child can suggest a possible solution, encourage him to implement them and report back to you. Some children simply need a little support and are happy to handle their own problem. If your child can’t suggest a possible solution, tell your child that you’re not sure how to solve the problem and wait for his response. He will likely be perplexed at your admission that you don’t have an answer. After all, parents are the source for answers! After he gets over his shock, try redirecting the conversation back towards helping your child come up with his own solution. By covertly putting the ball back in your child’s court, you empower him think of a possible solution and encourage him to implement it.

5. Be patient. Allowing your kids to problem solve can be frustrating. Most parents give in, not because they want to fix their kid's problems per say, but it's just easier and faster to fix the problem yourself. Don't give in. You will do your youngster a disservice.

6. Generate alternatives. Help kids stay focused on their problems and ask what they can do to reach their goals. When kids offer alternatives, repeat their ideas and ask them what else could be done. Don’t criticize their ideas. Instead, prompt more solutions by asking the kids questions. If they cannot think of alternatives, ask them to imagine how someone else might handle the situation.

7. Get the facts and identify feelings. When kids are fighting, angry, frustrated or upset, identify the problem. When asking kids to tell you their problems, you need to be calm and nonjudgmental. Kids see things from their own perspectives and may be completely unaware of how their actions affect other kids. Helping kids identify their own feelings and recognize the feelings of others is an important step.

8. Have your child explain the situation. As he talks, listen to his full explanation without interjecting your own thoughts or asking clarifying questions. This way your child will have an opportunity to voice all concerns without feeling he was cut off.

9. Help kids set the conflict-resolution goal and define what they want to happen in the situation. When kids have clear goals, it’s easier to think of solutions.

10. Make suggestions. Instead of fixing a problem, offer alternatives that your youngster can do to fix the problem. Don't constantly give them what they need. Give them options, and they will gradually learn that there are alternatives and choices to get out of a tough situation.

11. Repeat aloud your child’s concerns, asking follow up questions, as necessary, to make sure you understand the problem. By repeating his concerns, you allow him to feel that his words and concerns are important and you validate his feelings. In many instances, children simply want to feel that their concerns are heard and valid, so this approach may, on its own, help your child calm down.

12. Whether your child thought of a solution on his own or needed a little direction, check in with your child to see how his solution worked. Celebrate with him if the solution was a success (e.g., a “high-five” or hug) or offer support and begin brainstorming once more if the problem was not entirely solved.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Negative Effects of “Nagging”

Moms and dads often engage in nagging techniques because they need their children to do something and because they believe their persistent requests, demands, reminders, and threats of negative consequences will influence them to do what they want.

What most mothers and fathers fail to realize is that even when nagging does work (which is always just a temporary ‘fix’), it usually ends up leaving both sides with negative feelings about the whole matter.

“I told you to pick that up.”

“How many times do I have to remind you?”

“Will you stop it?”

“You need to have a better attitude!”

“If I have to tell you again, you’re going to your room.”

Chronic nagging will chip away at a youngster's self-worth over time. Studies show that nagging does not improve behavior – it actually worsens it. Nagging is especially defeating in kids with a poor self-image. Nagging and repeating commands make kids nervous. Some kids exhibit more than their fair share of negative behavior, but constantly reminding your children produces more negative behavior. It is better to purposely pick out some redeeming qualities and concentrate on the positives (e.g., "I like the way you ignored your brother when he was trying to pester you”). You will see the “negatives” melt away.

It's really important to understand how nagging affects everyone involved. For one, nagging says to your youngster that he is either unable or not responsible enough to do what you've asked of him without being reminded. It may be true, but what happens is this: children will start to internalize this belief and live up to the expectation that they are irresponsible. They begin to believe that they can't do it rather than they won't do it.

The other thing about nagging is that it sounds more like a demand than a reasonable request. Demands are inherently inconsiderate because it tells the person that her feelings absolutely don't matter. It's also very disrespectful. You're effectively "pulling rank" and making the child feel powerless and inferior. If you can imagine having a superior at work demanding rather than requesting something of you, then you will understand what negative feelings this might bring out in your youngster. Rebelling and defiance become a natural reaction to nagging.

In addition, nagging can give children a false sense of power because they learn they can make you upset and amplify your nagging to ridiculous levels by holding out. The longer they wait the more powerless and upset you feel because your words continue to lose influence. You react by nagging some more, which causes them to wait even longer, and the vicious cycle goes on and on.

There are a few things you could do in the place of nagging that might benefit everyone involved. The first is to come to a reasonable agreement on what needs to be done and when. Make sure that an understanding of the consequences is communicated clearly but gently and be prepared to follow through with those consequences if the agreement is not met (which will likely occur often at first). Many children will make agreements too easily just as a way to postpone what needs to be done. They may also get defensive or upset even at a simple request. Rather than reciprocate the negative attitude, make it easy for them to discuss their objection so that an agreement can be made. Once you've come to an agreement, resist all urges to hint, remind, re-ask, or demand.

The key to end nagging is to change your own attitude to certain situations. Repeating the same request over again does nothing for you or your youngster. Try these tips for a new perspective:

1. Are you expecting more of your youngster than he can reasonably deliver at his stage in life? Listen to other moms and dads when they discuss everyday life. You’ll learn about what other children are doing and can use this as a guide. Of course, every youngster is different, but knowing roughly what to expect will help you pitch your expectations accordingly.

2. As with other areas of parenting, “positivity” can go a long way when you’re caught in the nagging trap. If you can’t avoid mentioning what your youngster didn’t do, try to counter-balance this with acknowledging a good thing that he did. Perhaps he forgot to brush his teeth again, but he did wash his hands. Make a big deal out of what he did well and your nag can just be a sideline.

3. Everyone likes to receive praise. Instead of concentrating on what your youngster isn’t doing, focus on the times when he does cooperate. Implement a star chart, with a small reward after a certain number of stars are achieved. If he forgets to hang up his coat as you asked, mention that next time he hangs up his clothes, he’ll get a star on his chart. A star chart is a positive, visual incentive to good behavior.

4. If all else fails and you really want to make a point, refuse to get drawn into any other discussion until your youngster cooperates. The prospect of being ignored is often enough to spur him into action.

5. If you always nag your youngster to get dressed after breakfast, change things around. Encourage him to dress first then have breakfast. With the prospect of food, he might be more likely to cooperate.

6. If you don’t listen to your youngster’s wants and needs, you can’t expect him to consider yours. Nagging stems from a youngster not listening to a parent, and that parent feeling frustrated. So, when your youngster has something to say, give him the attention you’d expect him to give you. Then, when you want to ask something of him, you’ve already set a positive example.

7. If you feel your youngster no longer listens to you, it could be that he has simply become immune to the same demands. If you’re constantly asking your youngster to tidy up, put things in a more positive way. For example, instead of saying: ‘Tidy this room, it’s too messy to move in here.’ Try: ‘Shall we tidy up together, and then we’ll have more room to do this jigsaw?’ If you get involved yourself, the task may seem less overwhelming to your youngster.

8. Pick your battles. Driving home the idea of road safety is never wasted. But do you really need to make a point about every crumb dropped on the floor? Decide what issues are most important to you as a parent and concentrate on these.

9. Remember that a youngster can’t always see the reasoning behind the things a parent wants him to do. So, if you want him to get dressed in the morning, explain that once he’s dressed, he can go outside to play. Or if you’re constantly asking him not to step off the sidewalk, tell him that you wouldn’t want him to get hurt by a passing car.

10. Sometimes a bit of light relief is all that’s needed, rather than repeating your request for a tidy room yet again. Stage a pretend fall over a toy which has been left on the floor. Most kids love slapstick humor and the distraction can be enough to get the job done.

‘Stopping nagging’ is hard for some moms and dads to do because they actually fear what would happen if their youngster does not come through for them. This could range from something as minor as the dishes sitting in the sink longer than they should to not filling out college applications before the deadline or taking their medication. The fear or frustration may be so strong that mothers and fathers will either give in to the urge to nag – or end up doing it themselves. This is probably the worst thing you can do since all it does is reinforce the irresponsible behavior and teach children that they can get out of responsibilities by just waiting long enough. Instead, be patient and show that you have confidence in your youngster even at the risk of her not coming through. You may be surprised.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Art of Compromising: Tips for Parents

How to Use “Compromise” as a Parenting Tool:

Compromising with your youngster doesn't cheapen your authority – it strengthens it. Kids respect moms and dads who are willing to listen to them. Until they leave home, kids must accept your authority, but that doesn't mean you can't listen to their side of things.

Compromising is a win-win situation that benefits both mothers/fathers and kids. Moms and dads show that they are approachable and open to another's viewpoint (a trait that kids become more sensitive about as they approach the teenage years). In adolescence, you will find that compromising becomes your main behavior management tool, because teens like to be treated as intellectual equals and expect you to respect their viewpoint. If used wisely, compromising improves communication between mother/father and youngster. A stubborn insistence on having your own way has the opposite effect. Even the wishes of a nine or ten-year-old should be open to compromise. This is a warm-up time to help you sharpen your compromising skills for the years ahead.

"Why do I have to go to bed at 9:30?" argued nine-year-old Jake.

"What time do you think is a good bedtime for you?" asked Mother the Compromiser.

"10:30," Jake suggested.

"That extra hour means a lot to you doesn't it? What would you do during that extra hour?" said Mother.

"I could read," Jake asserted.

"Remember how tired you are the next morning when you stay up late. You fall asleep at school," Mother reminded him.

"But that was last year. I'm older now," Jake pleaded.

"Yes, I guess you are. Let's try this," Mother suggested. "On school nights you have to be in bed by 9:30, and you can read in until 10:00. On nights that you don't have school the next day, you can stay up until 11:00."

The youngster thought this was acceptable, and his reasoning was validated. The mother achieved her goal being sure her son got enough sleep. She knew that after five minutes of reading in bed, her son would probably fall asleep – which he did. As this compromising went back and forth, the mother was earning points with her son. The youngster was getting the message that "I can talk to my mother. She is reasonable, and she really does care about what's good for me. My mother listens, and she has some wise things to say."

Sometimes you will want to let your youngster take the lead. Use a well-known compromising tool: Meet the youngster where he is, and then bring him to where you want him to be. For example, you want your youngster to do his homework, but he's intent playing with the cat. Let him spend a bit of energy chasing the cat around the house. Let him tire himself out so he can sit still and do his homework. This is not “giving in” to the youngster or letting the youngster be in control, it's simply being a smart compromiser. It's a way to bring your youngster back to your agenda after a short excursion that satisfies the needs of his agenda.

Command - and show - respect during compromise. If your youngster starts screaming or acting disrespectful, close the discussion (e.g., "Do not talk to me in that tone, Jake. I'm the father, you're the son, and I expect respect"). This sets the tone for future compromises. You may have to remind your youngster of this non-negotiable fact of family life often during the pre-adolescent and adolescent years. Because of the constant bartering that older kids do, it is easy to let your authority slip away. Don't! You need this authority to keep order in the house, and your youngster will need to respect authority to get along in life.

There will be situations when you don't want to compromise. You know you're right and your youngster is being unreasonable. Before he works himself into a rage, break off the compromising process. That's the parent’s right (e.g., "That's a TV show we don’t watch in this house. I won’t be changing my mind about this – so switch the channel or turn it off" ...then walk away). Kids need to learn when moms and dads mean business. Mothers/fathers can't use this approach every time or kids will see them as “control freaks.” Be prepared to allow the youngster to watch other programs that are acceptable.

If used wisely, compromise can become a valuable communication tool, helping kids develop their reasoning abilities. Teach your youngster that compromise work best when everyone is calm and peaceful, not in the heat of the moment (e.g., "I’m saying ‘no’ for now, but I'll talk it over with your mother and get back to you this evening"…or "You’re being disrespectful. Come back later when you're feeling less angry and we’ll talk about it"). When you're not sure, or feeling pressured, decide not to decide.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teaching Children That Choices Have Consequences

Experiencing the consequences of his choices is one of the most effective ways a child can learn self-discipline. These lessons really last because they come from real life. Most success in life depends on making wise choices. Being able to think ahead about the positive or negative consequences of an action and choose accordingly is a skill we want our kids to learn.

Building a youngster's natural immunity to bad choices—

Natural consequences are situations that are not controlled by anyone. Kids learn through natural consequences, and parents use natural consequences as teaching points. There are parents that believe in giving children rules and regulations, and then if that child does not follow through, in some cases, he or she receives a natural consequence for their actions. For instance, a house rule might be “no running in the house.” A youngster bumps into another youngster because of running and hurts himself. A parent might want to use the natural consequence to emphasize the reason of the rule and remind the child to follow the rule on the spot. Natural consequences sometimes are more powerful than other discipline strategies since kids learn through their own experiences rather than words being told by someone else.

Natural Consequences represent the natural flow of events without interference of the parent. Natural often deals with the environment and is a direct result of the youngster’s actions. In essence, if it's not morally or physically harmful, let the youngster experience the natural consequence of his/her actions. For example, the youngster who refuses to eat will go hungry or the youngster who does not wear mittens in cold weather has cold hands – and he parents stand aside and do not become involved.

Letting natural consequences teach your youngster to make right choices is a powerful learning tool. Experience is the best teacher: He's careless, he falls; he grabs something hot, he gets burned; he leaves his bicycle in the driveway, it gets stolen. Wise moms and dads protect their kids so they don't get seriously hurt, but do not overprotect to the extent the youngster doesn't learn the consequences of his folly. Some bruises and scrapes along the way are unavoidable and educational.

Kids make poor choices on the way to becoming responsible grown-ups. Kids must experience the consequences of their actions in order to learn from them. Within reason and safe limits, let your child explore, fail, bump, and learn. Expect him to help clean up his messes. Let her experience the penalty for not completing homework by bedtime. After years of small pricks of consequences, the youngster enters the teen years at least partially immunized against bad choices, having had some genuine experience with decision-making. Kids learn better from their own mistakes than from your “preventive lectures.”

Adolescence is a time when the consequences of wrong choices are serious. The youngster who has learned to deal with small problems is more likely to be successful with bigger ones. Being a wise “choice teacher” means keeping a balance between overprotecting your youngster and being negligent ("Let him fall, he'll learn.") In the first case, the youngster enters adolescence with little practice at handling inevitable conflicts and risks. In the second case, the youngster feels no one cares. Either way, there are rough times ahead.

Sometimes the best solution is to offer your youngster guidance, state your opinion, and then back off and let the consequence teach your youngster. Use each consequence as a teachable moment, not an opportunity to gloat. Avoid sentences that begin with "I told you so..." or "If you would have listened to me..." But to be sure that your youngster learns these little lessons of life, and talk through each situation. Replay the tape so that your youngster gets the point that choices count, and his actions affect what happens. You want your youngster to realize that he is happier and his life runs more smoothly when he makes wise, though perhaps not easy, choices. Let the consequence speak for itself. The youngster spills her Coke, and there's no more Coke – without your commentary.

Use logical consequences to correct—

Besides letting natural consequences teach your youngster, you can set up mother/father-made consequences tailored to have lasting learning value for your youngster. Consequences can be by parental design. For example:

• Child parks his car in the street rather than in the driveway risking having it towed >>> after forewarning is ignored, parent parks the car in the driveway, and the child must pay a towing fee to get his keys back

• Child leaves her toiletries in disarray throughout the bathroom each school morning >>> after forewarning is ignored, parent confiscates all items for a period of time (technique works with clothes and toys as well)

Logical consequences:

• are not used to threaten or intimidate a youngster
• are used as an alternative to punishment strategies such as reprimands or scolding
• are used to help guide kids in the right direction by guiding them to face the results of their behavior
• refer to the actions or responses that are implemented following a youngster’s inappropriate behavior that serve to discourage the youngster from engaging in the behavior again
• should be presented to the youngster as a choice; the youngster may engage in the expected behavior to access an activity, object, person, or material – and the options should be related to the task by being logically linked to the current activity and the resulting action
• should not be used if the youngster does not understand the options and is not able to make a decision about the action to choose
• should result in rapid changes in the youngster’s behavior within the targeted routine or activity; if the problem behavior persists, the parent should think about why the youngster is engaging in the behavior and consider the use of other approaches to assisting the youngster

The process is a learning experience for kids, teaching them that they have responsibility for and control over their own behavior The consequences of their actions are logical because they are clearly related to the youngster’s behavior. Kids usually accept logical consequences when the consequences are framed in a guiding way rather than when they are framed as punishment. Kids learn that the choices they make have consequences, whether positive or negative. They are taught that they are responsible for their own behavior. Logical consequences help guide kids in learning how they are expected to behave in the real world.

When choices are provided to the youngster, they should be stated calmly, clearly, and respectfully. Logical consequences should not be arbitrary, threatening, or punitive. The tone of voice used can mean the difference between logical consequences and punishment. Threats usually tell kids what not to do rather than teach what they can do in order to get what they want. The options that will be used for logical consequences are planned in advance of the situation and presented to the youngster prior to when the undesired behavior is expected to occur. The youngster is made aware of the options and is guided to understand what may result from his or her action.

For the most learning value, balance negative with positive consequences. The youngster who frequently practices the piano gets the thrill of moving through his books quickly and receiving hearty applause at his recital. The youngster who consistently takes care of her bicycle merits a new one when she outgrows it; otherwise, she gets a used one. The youngster who puts his sports equipment away in the same place each time gets the nice feeling of always being able to find his favorite bat or soccer ball.

In these examples, no amount of punishment could have had the lasting teaching value of natural and logical consequences. With punishment, kids see no connection between their behavior and the discipline. With consequences, the youngster makes the connection between the behavior and the results. You plant a lesson of life: ‘take responsibility for your behavior.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents