Rape: What Parents Need To Know

As a mother or father, how can you support a daughter who has been raped? Here are some important tips you'll need to help your youngster:

It can be hard to help a daughter who's keeping a secret from you. Pre-adolescents and adolescents often turn to their peers to discuss deeply personal issues — and, unfortunately, something as serious as rape is no exception.

Perhaps your daughter fears you will get angry, thinking she "brought it on" in some way; perhaps you don't openly discuss sexual issues and she would feel uncomfortable telling you.

Whatever the reason, reaching out to your daughter — and keeping the lines of communication open — are crucial to your relationship. Let your youngster know, often, that you're there to listen and want to know if anyone ever harms her.

Someone who's been raped might feel angered, frightened, numb, degraded, or confused. It's also normal to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Some people withdraw from friends and family. Others don't want to be alone. Some feel depressed, anxious, or nervous.

Sometimes the feelings surrounding rape may show up in physical ways (e.g., trouble sleeping or eating). It may be hard to concentrate in school or to participate in everyday activities. Experts often refer to these emotions — and their physical side effects — as rape trauma syndrome. The best way to work through them is with professional help.

If your daughter has confided in you that she is the victim of rape, it's important to seek medical care right away. A doctor will need to check for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and internal injuries.

Most communities have local rape hotlines listed in the phone book that can counsel you about where to go for medical help. You also can call the national sexual assault hotline at (800) 656-HOPE. Most medical centers and hospital emergency departments have doctors and counselors who have been trained to take care of someone who has been raped.

Your daughter should get medical attention right away without changing clothes, showering, douching, or washing. It can be hard not to clean up, of course — it's a natural human instinct to wash away all traces of a sexual assault. But being examined right away is the best way to ensure proper medical treatment.

Before the exam, a trained counselor or social worker will listen to your daughter discuss what happened. Talking to a trained listener can help your daughter release some of the emotions associated with the experience and start to feel calm and safe again.

The counselor also might talk about the medical exam and what it involves. Each state or jurisdiction can different requirements, but steps in the medical exam are likely to include:

• A medical professional or trained technician may look for and take samples of the rapist's hair, skin, nails, or bodily fluids from your daughter's clothes or body.
• A medical professional will examine your daughter internally to check for any injury that might have been caused by the rape.
• A medical professional will test for STDs, including HIV/AIDS. These tests may involve taking blood or saliva samples. Although the thought of having an STD after a rape is extremely scary, the quicker one is diagnosed, the more effectively it can be treated. Doctors can start your daughter on immediate treatment courses for STDs, including HIV/AIDS, which can help protect against developing these diseases.
• If you think your daughter has been given a rape drug, a doctor or technician can test for this, too.
• If your daughter is raped, a medical professional may treat her for unwanted pregnancy, if she chooses.

Even if your daughter doesn't get examined right away, it doesn't mean that she can't get a checkup later. A person can still go to a doctor or local clinic to get checked out for STDs, pregnancy, or injuries any time after being raped. In some cases, doctors can even gather evidence several days after a rape has occurred.

Seeking immediate medical attention is recommended not just to ensure your daughter's health and safety, but also to provide documentation if you and your youngster decide to report the crime.

Medical tests provide the evidence needed to prosecute the rapist if a criminal case is pursued. If you don't decide to report it, you could change your mind later (this often happens) and having the results of a medical exam can help. Keep in mind, the statutes of limitations on rape only give a person a certain amount of time to pursue legal action, so be sure you know how long you have to report the rape. A local rape crisis center can advise you of the laws in your state.

If your adolescent has been raped and chooses not to let you know, be aware that laws in some states don't require moms and dads to be notified if an adolescent under age 18 has called a rape crisis center or visited a clinic for evaluation.

Those who have been raped sometimes avoid seeking help because they're afraid that talking about it will bring back memories or feelings that are too painful. But this can actually do more harm than good. Seeking help and emotional support through a trained professional is the best way to ensure long-term healing. Working through the pain sooner rather than later can help reduce symptoms like nightmares and flashbacks. It can also help someone avoid potentially harmful behaviors and emotions, like major depression or self-injury.

Rape survivors work through feelings differently. Ask your daughter what sort of counseling is preferable. Some victims feel most comfortable talking one-on-one with a therapist. Others find that joining a support group where they can be with other survivors helps them to feel better, get their power back, and move on with their lives. In a support group, they can get help and might help others heal by sharing their experiences and ideas.

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Educating Your Child About S e x

Answering children's questions about sex is one of the responsibilities many mothers/fathers dread most. Otherwise confident parents often feel tongue-tied and awkward when it comes to conversations about sex. But the subject shouldn't be avoided. By answering children's questions as they arise, parents can help foster healthy feelings about sex.

Q & A: Educating Your Child About Sex

1. At what age should females be told about menstruation?

Females (and males!) should have information about menstruation by about age 8, some of which may be provided in school. Instructional books are helpful, but moms should also share their own personal experiences with their daughters, including when their periods first started and what it felt like, and how, like many things, it wasn't such a big deal after a while.

2. At what age should nudity in the home be curtailed?

Families set their own standards for nudity, modesty, and privacy. Although every family's values are different, privacy is an important concept for all children to learn. Moms and dads should explain limits regarding privacy the same way that other house rules are explained — matter-of-factly — so that children don't come to associate privacy with guilt or secrecy. Generally, they'll learn from the limits you establish for them.

3. Is it OK to use nicknames for private parts?

By the time a youngster is 3 years of age, mothers/fathers may choose to use the correct anatomical words. They may sound clinical, but there is no reason why the proper label shouldn't be used when the youngster is capable of saying it. These words — penis, vagina, etc. — should be stated matter-of-factly, with no implied silliness. That way, the youngster learns to use them in a direct manner, without embarrassment. In fact, this is what most parents do. A Gallup Poll showed that 67% of parents use actual names to refer to male and female body parts.

4. To what extent can mothers/fathers depend on schools to teach sex education?

Moms and dads should begin the sex education process long before it starts in school. The introduction of formal sex education in the classroom varies; many schools start it in the fifth or sixth grade. Some of the topics addressed in sex-ed class may include anatomy, contraception, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy. Parents should be open to continuing the dialogue and answering questions at home. Schools tend to teach mechanics and science more than values. This is an area where parents can and should have something to teach.

5. What do you tell a very young child who asks where babies come from?

Depending on the youngster's age, you can say that the baby grows from an egg in the mommy's womb, pointing to your stomach, and comes out of a special place, called the vagina. There is no need to explain the act of lovemaking because very young children will not understand the concept. However, you can say that when a man and a woman love each other, they like to be close to one another. Tell them that the man's sperm joins the woman's egg and then the baby begins to grow. Most children under the age of 6 will accept this answer. Age-appropriate books on the subject are also helpful. Answer the question in a straightforward manner, and you will probably find that your youngster is satisfied with a little information at a time.

6. What should you do if you catch children "playing doctor" (i.e., showing private parts to each other)?

Children 3 to 6 years old are most likely to "play doctor." Many mothers/fathers overreact when they witness or hear of such behavior. Heavy-handed scolding is not the way to deal with it. Nor should parents feel this is or will lead to promiscuous behavior. Often, the presence of a parent is enough to interrupt the play. You may wish to direct your youngster's attention to another activity without making a lot of fuss. Later, sit down with your youngster for a talk. Explain that although you understand the interest in his or her friend's body, but that people are generally expected to keep their bodies covered in public. This way you have set limits without having made the youngster feel guilty. This is also an appropriate age to begin to talk about good and bad touch. Tell children that their bodies are their own and that they have the right to privacy. No one should touch children if they don't like it or want it. Tell them that if anyone ever touches them in a way that feels strange or bad, they should tell that person to stop it and then tell you about it. Explain that you want to know about anything that makes your children feel bad or uncomfortable.

7. What sort of "sexual" behavior do young children exhibit?

Toddlers will often touch themselves when they are naked, such as in the bathtub or while being diapered. At this stage of development, they have no modesty. Their mothers/fathers' reaction will tell them whether their actions are acceptable. Toddlers should not be scolded or made to feel ashamed of being interested in their bodies. It is natural for kids to be interested in their own bodies. Some moms and dads may choose to casually ignore self-touching. Others may want to acknowledge that, while they know it feels good, it is a private matter. Moms and dads can make it clear that they expect the youngster to keep that activity private. Parents should only be concerned about masturbation if a youngster seems preoccupied with it to the exclusion of other activities. Victims of sexual abuse sometimes become preoccupied with self-stimulation.

8. When do children start becoming curious about sex?

Kids are human beings and therefore sexual beings. It's hard for mothers/fathers to acknowledge this, just as it's hard for children to think of their parents as sexually active. But even infants have curiosity about their own bodies, which is healthy and normal.

9. When should mothers/fathers sit children down for that all-important "birds and bees" talk?

Actually, never! Learning about sex should not occur in one all-or-nothing session. It should be more of an unfolding process, one in which children learn, over time, what they need to know. Questions should be answered as they arise so that children' natural curiosity is satisfied as they mature. If your youngster doesn't ask questions about sex, don't just ignore the subject. At about age 5, you can begin to introduce books that approach sexuality on a developmentally appropriate level. Moms and dads often have trouble finding the right words, but many excellent books are available to help.

10. Why Do Kids Need to Know About Sex and Sexuality?

Understanding sexuality helps children cope with their feelings and with peer pressure. It helps them take charge of their lives and have loving relationships. It also helps protect them from sexual abuse — and from becoming sexual abusers. Home can be the most meaningful place to learn about sexuality. We can help our children feel good about their sexuality from the very beginning. Then they will be more likely to trust us enough to ask questions about sex later on in life. Young people are less likely to take sexual risks if they have:

• a connection to home, family, and other caring adults in their community, school, or religious institution

• a positive view of sexuality

• a sense that their actions affect what happens

• clarity about their own values and an understanding of their families’ values

• information that they need to take care of their sexual health

• interpersonal skills, such as assertiveness and decision-making abilities

• self-esteem and self-confidence

11. When's the Best Time to Start Talking with My Kids About Sex and Sexuality?

It's best to start as soon as kids begin getting sexual messages. And they start getting them as soon as they're born. Kids learn how to think and feel about their bodies and their sexual behavior from things we do and say — from the way we hold them, talk to them, dress them, teach them the words for their body parts, give them feedback on their behavior, and behave in their presence. But don't worry if you haven't started yet. It's never too late. Just don't try to "catch up" all at once. The most important thing is to be open and available whenever a youngster wants to talk.

12. How Do I Start a Conversation About Sex and Sexuality?

Some moms and dads look forward to talking with their kids about the wonders of human reproduction and human sexuality. But many find it difficult to talk about important topics like relationships and sex and sexuality. The good news is that, if we pay attention, we can find many everyday moments in our lives that can prompt conversations about these topics:

• Models in print ads or on billboards may make us think about and question our own bodies and body image.

• Our favorite TV show may feature a character going through puberty.

• Our neighbor or friend may be pregnant.

Some moms and dads call these “teachable moments.” Take time to recognize the teachable moments that give you opportunities to talk about sex and sexuality with your youngster. Spend a week or so noticing how topics you‘d like to discuss come up in your family’s everyday life. Think about what you might ask your youngster about them to get conversations going. And think about your own opinions and values about these topics, and how you can express them clearly to your youngster.

After you’ve thought about what you want to say on a subject, use the next teachable moment that comes up. The first few times you do this, kids may be cautious and ask, “Why do you want to know?” Or they may search for an answer they think will please you. It may take several tries before you can speak comfortably together.

13. What If I’m Uncomfortable Talking About Sex with My Children?

Don’t let fear get in the way. Being open and available about subjects such as sex and sexuality can be challenging. Some common fears that many parents have are:

• Encouraging sexual experimentation. There is a myth that information about sex is harmful to kids and that it will lead to sexual experimentation. The fact is that our kids won’t be more likely to have sex if we talk about it. In reality, children who talk with their parents about sex are more likely to postpone having sex.
• Feeling as though talking won’t make a difference. Kids look to their moms and dads to teach them about sexuality. Most young people prefer to hear about it from their parents than from other people. In fact, young adolescents place parents at the top of their list of influences when it comes to their sexual attitudes and behaviors.
• Feeling embarrassed. It’s very common for parents or kids to feel embarrassed when talking about sex and sexuality. The best way to handle it is to admit how we’re feeling — we can simply say, “I might get a little tense or uncomfortable during this conversation, and you might, too. That’s okay for both of us — it’s totally normal.”
• Looking dumb. Many of us weren’t taught about sex and sexuality, yet we may feel that we should know all the answers. But if our kids ask us about something we don’t know, we can simply say, “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.”

14. What Should I Tell My Kids — And When?

Kids have different concerns about sex at different ages. They also have different abilities to understand concepts — and different attention spans. If your five-year-old asks, “What is birth?” you might answer, “When a baby comes out a mother’s body.” If your 10-year-old asked the same question, your answer would have more detail, and might begin, “After nine months of growing inside a woman’s uterus …” Preteens and teens often spend a great deal of time wondering if they’re “normal”. We can help them understand that it is "normal" for everyone to be different. In fact, the most important lesson we can share with our children is just that — being different is normal. When deciding how much detail to give, moms and dads can rely on what they already know about their youngster’s level of understanding. Reading about what kids need to know at different ages could help you decide what is age-appropriate. Reading tips for talking with your kids about sexuality and how to answer their questions also may be helpful.

15. What are some ways to get “the conversation” started?

Sometimes asking your youngster a question is a great way to open up a conversation. Here are a few questions you might ask:

YOUNG KIDS—

• Your aunt is pregnant. Do you know what that means?

• Do you know why girls look different than boys?

• Do you know the names of all your body parts?

PRETEENS—

• At what age do you think a person should start dating? Have any of your friends started dating?

• Do you think girls and boys are treated differently? (If yes …) How?

• People change a lot during puberty. What have you heard about the changes of puberty? How do you feel about going through puberty?

TEENS—

• At what age do you think a person is ready to be a parent?

• At what age do you think a person is ready to have sex? How should a person decide?

• How have you changed in the last two years? What do you like and what do you not like about the changes?

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Giving an Allowance: 5 Tips for Parents

Your 5-year-old son wants an allowance (because “all of his friends get one”). You wonder if he's old enough to handle the money and, if you give him one, how much should he get – and how often?

An allowance can be a great way to teach children money management skills and help them learn how to make decisions, deal with limited resources, and understand the benefits of saving and charitable giving. There's no single correct way to handle giving an allowance. Deciding when to start, how much to give, and whether you want to link the allowance to chores are choices that should fit your family.

Giving an Allowance: 5 Tips for Parents—

1. Should an allowance be tied to chores? This is a personal choice. Some experts think that it's important to make this connection so that children learn the relationship between work and pay. Others say that children should have a responsibility to help with housework, above and beyond any financial incentive. Ultimately, you must decide what works best for you. Whatever you decide, be sure that all parties understand the arrangement. If you give an allowance for doing housework, make sure that your children understand what their responsibilities are and the consequences of not doing them. You might want to involve them in choosing the chores and then keep a chart posted to remind them what needs to be done. It's important to be consistent. Following through on your promise to give a regular allowance sets a good example for your children and is incentive for them to honor their end of the bargain. If you don't keep up with the allowance, they might lose that incentive and stop doing the chores.

2. Once children become teens, you might want to provide a quarterly clothing allowance in addition to the weekly allowance. If you do, establish a reasonable budget and allow your children to spend it as they wish — but also to honor its limits. If your daughter chooses to buy a $90 dress or your son opts for a pricey pair of tennis shoes, for example, they might have to make compromises on other clothing choices.

3. When starting an allowance, no particular age is best for every kid. Having said this, consider starting an allowance by the time a youngster is 10 years old. By then, most children have had experience making thoughtful spending decisions but still look to moms and dads for guidance. How much allowance should you give? It depends on your financial situation and what kind of commitment you feel that you can comfortably keep. Regardless of how much you choose, give the allowance regularly and increase the amount as your youngster gets older.

4. How should children spend their allowance? It's good to have them use it for discretionary things, not essential purchases such as food or clothing. This lets children make buying decisions — and mistakes — without dire consequences. You might want to encourage children to put away a portion for charity and another portion for savings. If so, let them choose where to donate the money. It may be a cause that a youngster can relate to in some way, like an animal shelter or a group that helps sick children. If some of the allowance goes to savings, consider setting up an account at a local bank. This way, your youngster can keep track of the money. Many banks offer special bank accounts for children, and yours may enjoy the experience of getting mail, even if the mail is a bank statement.

5. How much should I give? There's no one dollar amount that's appropriate for all children. The amount you decide on should be sufficient to provide your youngster with some extra money so he'll learn how to handle it. There's no educational benefit in setting an allowance at an amount at which it's already decided how it will be spent before it's even received. Many factors go into fixing an allowance. The four main ones are listed here:

• What the allowance is supposed to cover. If you expect your teen to buy all his own clothing from his allowance, then the dollars paid to him each week must be sufficient to allow for this extensive purchase. If you supplement an allowance with spending money, then a less generous allowance may be in order.
• Where you live. Maybe keeping up with the Joneses isn't high on your list of priorities and you frequently tell your youngster, “I don't care that James has this or does that.” But, realistically, the neighborhood you live in can certainly influence how much allowance you give your youngster. What your youngster's best friend receives may not be a deciding factor, but it's a factor nonetheless.
• Your youngster's age. Obviously, the older your youngster, the bigger the allowance (up to a certain point, at which your youngster may become too old for an allowance).
• Your family income. Only you know how much your family can afford to allocate to allowances.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Enjoying a Headache-Free Vacation: 25 Tips for Parents

While travel is fun, family vacations introduce challenges, stressors, long stretches of boredom, and days of over-stimulation. Family vacations can be stressful times filled with tantrums and trouble, but it doesn't have to be that way. Use the tips below to survive your next family vacation:

1. The first thing that you can do is start by nipping the temper tantrums in the bud at home first. Remember that discipline will have to start at home if you expect it to continue when you are outside of the home. There have to be strict rules, and consequences for bad behavior. 

The key to ending the temper tantrums is sticking to whatever form of discipline you choose. Whatever punishments you use at home you will also want to use when you are away on vacation. This way your youngster will know that no matter what they do, and where they are you will end up suffering the consequences. If you are going to be traveling by plane, or boat and you have multiple kids, it can be very difficult to manage those little temper tantrums that occur. In this case you may want to consider taking along some help.

2. Accept that sometimes nothing you do is going to work. You may just need to wait the meltdown out. Try to stay calm and help your youngster reconnect and relax when it’s over. If she’s willing, try to figure out what set her off so you can avoid the situation next time.

3. Apologize to those around you. It may soften a few of the evil glances shot your way. It also shows you are trying to deal with the situation and understand that it may be inconveniencing others.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Be realistic. Children will only tolerate so much, and they do not have the capacity to cope that grown-ups have. Put yourselves in their shoes. If you would get antsy visiting a stuffy museum, imagine how they will feel spending the afternoon shopping. Keep the activities that clearly will only interest grown-ups to a minimum, or book a hotel with babysitting services so you can have some parents-only time.

5. Distract your youngster. If a meltdown is in the early stages, distraction may work. Look out the window for airplanes, offer a snack, a sip of soda, or even (if you're desperate) a piece of candy.

6. Don’t try to reason with your youngster. A youngster in the midst of a full blown meltdown doesn’t want to hear logic or reasons why he shouldn’t scream. Do try to reflect what you think your youngster is feeling back to them. “You’re tired because we’ve been flying all day” or “You wish your food would come faster because you’re very hungry,” etc.

7. Don’t try to teach limits on behavior with your words rather than consequences. This is a common mistake we all make. We start to see our children moving toward inappropriate behavior, or perhaps they're getting out of control, and you begin to remind them or lecture them or scorn them. As the day wears on, we find ourselves getting more and more of this. 

If you happen to have a youngster who is somewhat difficult or challenging, you know that this can escalate into a situation that quickly grows out of control. You avoid this mess by turning toward consequences, and not words. As you set your expectations with children, let them know what the consequence will be for their failure to honor a particular limit.

8. Don't let a youngster's tantrum ruin your vacation. If your youngster is going through this face you should be well prepared mentally that it will probably happen. Just consider this to be a phase you need to be able to deal with. Also you don't want to allow your youngster to see you get upset. If they see that no matter how they act you will stay calm, fewer temper tantrums will occur.

9. Grown-ups need fun too. Hire a babysitter for a night on the town and you will model to your kids the importance of taking care of your relationship. Ask the concierge about the babysitting services the hotel provides or recommends. Make sure that the sitters are screened for background checks, and that they are CPR and First Aid certified …then take some time to dance the night away. Also, book adjoining rooms for older kids so you can have some alone adult fun time too.

10. Head off the temper tantrums at the pass. As a mother or father, you notice the signs that a tantrum is brewing. It could be whining, or attempts to agitate their siblings, and you know that these are the early warning signs that the tantrum storm is coming. Take a minute and breathe before you respond. Kids pick-up on your emotional state and mirror it via the phenomena of mirror neurons, meaning if they are agitated then you are likely to mirror their emotional response, which only amplifies their tantrum. 

Research suggests taking a deep breath allows you to increase the flow of oxygen to your brain, whereby you’ll approach the situation from a calm and rational place, rather than reactive response. Take a breath, let your youngster know you understand how they feel, and then calmly talk with your youngster.

11. Ignore rude comments or looks. You aren’t the first parent to have this happen and you surely won’t be the last. You’ll most likely never see these people again and your youngster should be your focus.

12. Keep routines on vacation. This is easily the most overlooked, yet most crucial, aspect to keeping things sane and calm on your family vacation. It's so easy in the excitement of sightseeing and travel activities to throw routine out the window. It's also easy, since you're in a strange place without the comforts of home, to think routine cannot be maintained. 

You can keep a routine, even if it's done by following the simple things. Bring favorite toys and books. Maintain the same bedtime routines. If your youngster always naps at noon, it isn't fair to expect him or her to behave in a boring museum at that time. Go back to the hotel for lunch and a nap, and return to your day's activities afterwards. If your teen likes watching the Simpsons each evening, bring a DVD of the show and a portable DVD player.

13. Keep them entertained. The best thing you can do to keep the peace is to always be sure the kids are entertained. Bored children get grumpy, which leads to moms and dads who get grumpy. Pack a family travel tote bag for the road with easy-to-access items. Let them pick out favorite items to bring along for the trip.

14. Listen to your youngster. If he wants to sit on your lap, let him. If he’s incoherently babbling, encourage him to calm down and talk to you. Even though it probably won’t calm your youngster, it will let him know you’re listening and want to help.

15. Many kids have a difficult time with transitioning, going from one thing to the next, and for some kids a vacation is over-stimulating. They may have a difficult time with loud noises, new experiences, or may be sensitive to moving from one place to another. Often temper tantrums are a youngster’s way of expressing that they are overwhelmed. A little preparation can help with the transitions. 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Share with your youngster images of where you are going and talk about what they will see and experience. They can even begin a scrapbook with images of their vacation before they leave and complete it when they return, so they have a feeling of control over the experience. Pack a few things in your youngster’s travel backpack that will help your youngster with transitioning and waiting, such as favorite music on their mp3, favorite DVDs, a new coloring book, or a new toy. Remember to always pack snacks and juice or water; a hungry kid is a cranky kid (and that goes for grown-ups too).

16. Pick vacations that will have something each family member can enjoy. No, you don’t have to sacrifice grown-up time to enjoy a happy family vacation. Choose a location that will have something for everyone, such as a family friendly cruise with kid themed activities and lots of adult amenities or the family resort with the water park that suits mom’s desire to shop and dad’s golfing needs. If you have more than one youngster share some special “vacation alone time” with each youngster, where they can spend time with mom or dad doing an activity they choose.

17. Plan ahead, but be flexible. While it is wonderful to be spontaneous on vacation, planning ahead can avert many tantrums. If you know you want to see a certain attraction, it is best to head out first thing in the morning if you will need to return for a midday nap. If there will be long lines on Saturdays, visit popular spots on weekdays. Even so, with kids it is best to be ready to alter those plans at a moment's notice. Don't be so married to the idea that your road trip should last 6 hours that you don't give your kids enough of a chance to stop and stretch their legs.

18. Set standards of behavior. Your youngster may not be used to spending time in fancy restaurants or stuffy art galleries. Make it clear before you go that you expect good behavior on the trip. You can use the fun kid stuff as incentives. If your youngster acts up during your family vacation, remove the youngster from the situation or give a time-out on the spot. Do not allow a tantrum to dictate your behavior or result in a reward just for the sake of peace.

19. Take a break. Sometimes there is just so much that your youngster can experience in one day before they become overwhelmed. Create some downtime each day where they can just play in the pool or chill with their tunes. Be realistic for the developmental age of your youngster – and just how much activity is too much – and you will minimize exhaustion temper tantrums.

20. Take a deep breath. You need to stay calm in order to deal effectively with an out of control youngster. Count to ten if you need to before you try to help your youngster.

21. Take him to a quiet place. In a pinch, an airplane restroom or restaurant porch will do. The change of scenery may do the trick; at the very least it’ll help you feel calmer if there are fewer people around.

22. You may be working too hard to make them happy. All that you can do is expose them to a wonderful experience full of great opportunities for laughter and fun, and let them learn to accommodate long lines, disagreements with their siblings, and the need to get out of the sunshine before they get burned to death. In these moments of unhappiness, allow them to have their moment. You don't have to rescue them from it. In fact, they need to learn how to rescue themselves from this. This is a critical life lesson.

23. Consider shorter vacations. Rather than going on the traditional week-long excursion, consider a “weekend get-away” or a 4-day trip. Why go away for 7 days if the last 3 days are going to be pure hell.

24. At the risk of suggesting something illegal, some parents have been known to “borrow” a couple of valium from a friend for the “super-stressful moments” that may occur during the trip. Also, bring plenty of your favorite over-the-counter headache medicine

25. Keep the following tips in mind when taking a flight with kids:

• Don't stress if they get upset
• During boarding, take off and landing, talk to your children about what is happening - ask them to tell you what they see
• Have a sucker or drink to help with ear popping
• Let children burn off energy in airport before getting on plane
• Lots of snacks, and activities
• Make sure they are comfortable
• Stay calm and prepare for the flight
• Walk around plane when you can

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Reducing Parent-Child Conflict

Parent-child conflict occurs for many reasons. When it does occur, the entire family can be thrown into emotional turmoil. Resolving a parent-child conflict requires the participation of everyone involved.

Communication is a very beneficial tool in resolving conflict. When parenting, we need to listen to our kids and consider their input. Understanding why parent-child conflict occurs and how to resolve it can help bring harmony back to the entire family.

An important feature of parent-child relationships that affects the negativity of conflicts is that the relationships are not voluntary (i.e., kids do not pick their moms and dads). Like marriage partners, moms and dads and their children develop considerable intimacy. More so than spouses, however, moms and dads and their kids are "bound" in a family relationship, which can serve to intensify serious conflicts between them. Family disputes often represent underlying relational struggles regarding power or intimacy.

Regardless of the "involuntary" nature of parent-child relationships, family conflict has the potential to positively impact kids in the long-run. Childhood conflict interactions can contribute positively to personal and social development because the child is learning conflict resolution skills (assuming the parent is modeling such skills during and after conflict arises).

In addition, moms and dads can develop their negotiation skills in conflicts with their kids. To garner such positive rewards from conflict interactions, family members need two basic skills for conflict management: (a) flexibility versus rigidity and (b) the ability to manage conflict without escalating the severity of the problem.

I am often asked, “What is the best way to reduce conflict with my children?” The #1 thing parents can do to reduce conflict is to teach “self-reliance.” How? By giving them age-appropriate amounts of freedom.

Honor your kid’s need for freedom and exploration while teaching him/her to be safe. After all, you want your son or daughter to develop the ability to survive and thrive without you someday. You are not going to be around forever. You should want your youngster to safely and responsibly handle ever-increasing freedom. Thus, slowly increase the freedom you give your youngster while you teach her/him how to handle that additional freedom.

Your parenting job is to teach your kids to satisfy their need for freedom while you satisfy your need for keeping them safe. This is the process that helps moms and dads and kids handle their inherent conflict. (As an important side-note, safety always comes before freedom, which means that children will not always be able to do what they want if the parent views it as unsafe).

So the next time you get into an argument with your adolescent who wants permission to attend a birthday party that you are worried about, or your 10-year-old wants to go a movie with a friend without adult supervision, or your 3-year-old wants to wander further away from the front porch than you feel comfortable with, take a moment to remember the inherent conflict between you and your youngster.

Is it possible for you to teach your youngster how to handle a little more freedom safely? Can you stretch the limit of what feels safe and comfortable for you, just a little? Take a chance of granting a little more freedom for your kids so that they can stretch their wings and learn to be safe with more freedom. This is fostering the development of self-reliance!

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Best Comment:

First of all, I am not a parent, I am just shy of my 21st birthday but I am at my wits end with my younger 17-year-old sister and with my parents' ineffective attempts to deal with her.

The trickiest part about my family's situation is that virtually nobody outside of my immediate family experiences my sister's childish behavior. In some ways, I feel that this is somewhat my fault. When I was younger I was NEVER out of line, since I was in 6th grade I would come home by myself and get all my homework done immediately. The issue is that under these relaxed conditions, I never created any major problems but for my sister there have been disastrous consequences.

At home, my sister spends all of her time of facebook or watching junk television (a la Maury or Jerry Springer), NEVER does any homework and takes no responsibility for herself whatsoever. My parents come home to find messes everywhere such as dishes with old food left everywhere, food packages left out of the refrigerator, bathrooms that look booby-trapped smelling of hairspray with puddles everywhere and somehow she uses all the family shampoo in one shower and it ends up on the bathtub floor where I have slipped, her room looks like something out of A&E's Hoarders and she expects special treatment at the drop of a hat. If I do not get out of the living room to let her watch her show, I get tantrums and non-sequitor responses like "oh yeah, well we aren't going on vacation this year because your summer class cost too much money!", which is essentially her way of saying "well you're not perfect either so you can't tell me what to do so fuck off!"

Thing is, if I tell her to do anything she gets mad at me since I am an older brother, not a parent so I can't tell her what to do, but I'm really trying to avoid hearing a drawn out argument between her and my mother later which I cannot stand anymore. My mother is a lawyer and my father is an engineer and both work full time, they are two of the smartest and most diligent people I know so it drives me up the wall to see them come home every day to a nasty daughter who takes no responsibility for herself. She never cleans up after herself because she assumes she can get away with it and she's right, my parents would rather clean up the kitchen then argue with her about it which she will never do. She sees/saw a therapist and a tutor to help her with various school and home issues and organization respectively. Eventually she made appointments herself due to her complicated tennis schedule which interfered with her former times and she has essentially stopped making them. She did not see either of these expensive professionals as people to aide her to better herself but as a burden my parents placed upon her.

She sees any attempts of advice or direction such as "clean up after yourself" or "do your homework" as a violation of her privacy and the messes that she leaves for my parents to clean up again and again solidify to me that she does not give a shit about anybody else. No one she knows would believe any of this as far as I know; she puts on a facade outside. Perhaps worst of all, I feel like my dog is getting more and more unhealthy whenever I come back from school. In high school I my dog every day with a friend and his dog and would play fetch with a tennis ball every day for close to an hour. Now I am afraid that she gets walked twice a day at most for 15 minutes each. Once at around 7am and the other at around 9pm. She no longer gets any exercise and cannot run like she used to and it pains me to see that whenever I come home.

In short, my sister is utterly sloppy, rude and disrespectful to (seemingly) only my parents and I, my father is quite lame when it comes to giving and enforcing orders (he has issues with depression) and my mother comes home late from work, exhausted and finds my sister's messes to clean up. I am afraid that neither of them is around enough to discipline her and I am afraid she has had too much autonomy at home alone and is too old for discipline to work. The act of working constantly and appeasing my sister's requests and spending money on specialists that make no short-term progress is costly and harmful. I feel as though my parents appease her constantly just to give themselves a break and the stress that we all feel is through the roof. I myself suffer from depression and have gone through several slumps at school which my sister uses (loudly) against me.

It pains me to see my sister get away with so much and my parents under so much stress. Whenever I suggest anything, they dismiss it immediately and don't take my advice seriously because of my age and because they believe that our situation at home is not that bad.