Daughter gets upset or angry about the littlest things...

Question

My daughter is 17 and gets upset or angry about the littlest things, especially with her 15 year old sister. Yesterday, it was because her sister, Kami, left her makeup in the car. Kylie was in the back seat and her sister was in the front. After Kylie got mad that she had to sit in the back, she starting yelling because Kami had left some of her makeup and an eyelash curler in the backseat. Another time recently, we were at our cabin at the lake and the day we were leaving, Kylie accused Kami of having on her shirt. They have the same shirt and Kami and I both thought it was hers. I sometimes put their initials on the tag of the clothes so I can tell who it belongs to when I'm doing laundry. I looked at the tag and told Kylie her initials were not on the tag. Kylie said she didn't believe me and grabbed Kami's shirt (halfway strangling her) and looked at the tag. Kylie's initials were on the underside of the tag. Kylie started screaming at Kami that she was a liar and a thief and she hated people who lied and stole. Kami said she really thought it was her shirt and didn't have anything to wear home and could she please borrow it. Kylie wouldn't let her and so I finally told Kami to take it off and she could wear one of my shirts home, which was way too big. It's really hard to go on vacation with Kylie because if she's not mad, she complains an awful lot. We tell her we're not going if she complains the whole time and she says she won't but usually does anyway. Any suggestions?

Answer

The behavior you described (e.g., “gets upset or angry about the littlest things”) sounds mostly like a teenager who is somewhat depressed. One key indicator of teen depression is bad mood swings and occasional melancholy.

The teen years are tough, but most adolescents balance the requisite angst with good friendships, success in school or outside activities, and the development of a strong sense of self. Occasional bad moods or acting out is to be expected, but depression is a bit more serious. Depression strikes adolescents (especially females) far more often than most people think. And although depression is highly treatable, experts say only 20% of depressed adolescents ever receive help.

Unlike grown-ups who have the ability to seek assistance on their own, adolescents usually must rely on moms and dads, educators, or other caregivers to recognize their suffering and get them the treatment they need. So, it will be important for you to learn what teen depression looks like and what to do if you spot the warning signs.

Adolescents face a host of pressures, from the changes of puberty to questions about who they are and where they fit in. The natural transition from childhood to adulthood can also bring parental conflict as adolescents start to assert their independence. With all this drama, it isn’t always easy to differentiate between depression and normal teenage moodiness.

Making things even more complicated, adolescents with depression do not necessarily appear sad, nor do they always withdraw from others. For some depressed adolescents, symptoms of irritability, aggression, and rage are more prominent.

Here are some tips to help:

1. The first thing you should do is to talk to your daughter about it (during a time when she is calm and somewhat rational). In a loving and non-judgmental way, share your concerns with your daughter. Let her know what specific signs of depression you’ve noticed and why they worry you. Then encourage her to open up about what she is going through.

2. Don’t give up if she shuts you out at first. Talking about depression can be very tough for adolescents. Be respectful of your daughter’s comfort level while still emphasizing your concern and willingness to listen.

3. Don’t try to talk her out of her depression, even if her feelings or concerns appear silly or irrational to you. Simply acknowledge the pain and sadness she is feeling. If you don’t, she will feel like you don’t take her emotions seriously.

4. Encourage your daughter to stay active. Exercise can go a long way toward relieving the symptoms of depression and anxiety, so find ways to incorporate it into your daughter’s day. Something as simple as walking the dog or going on a bike ride can be beneficial.

5. If your daughter claims nothing is wrong, but has no explanation for what is causing this moody behavior, you should trust your instincts. Remember that denial is a strong emotion. Furthermore, adolescents may not believe that what they’re experiencing is the result of depression. If you see depression’s warning signs, seek professional help. Neither you nor your daughter is qualified to either diagnosis depression or rule it out, so see a doctor or psychologist who can.

6. Isolation only makes depression worse, so encourage your daughter to see friends and praise efforts to socialize. Offer to take your daughter out with friends or suggest social activities that might be of interest, such as sports, after-school clubs, or an art class.

7. Just like you would if your daughter had a disease you knew very little about, read up on teen depression so that you can be your own “expert.” The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to help her. Encourage your daughter to learn more about depression as well. Reading up on their condition can help depressed adolescents realize that they’re not alone and give them a better understanding of what they’re going through.

8. Let your daughter know that you are there for her, fully and unconditionally. Hold back from asking a lot of questions (adolescents don’t like to feel patronized or crowded), but make it clear that you’re ready and willing to provide whatever support they need.

9. Living with a depressed teenager can be difficult and draining. At times, you may experience exhaustion, rejection, despair, aggravation, or any other number of negative emotions. During this trying time, it’s important to remember that your child is not being difficult on purpose. Your daughter is suffering, so do your best to be tolerant and understanding.

10. Track changes in your daughter’s condition, and call the doctor if depression symptoms seem to be getting worse.

11. Resist any urge to criticize or pass judgment once your daughter begins to talk. The important thing is that she is communicating. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or ultimatums as well.

12. Have plenty of patience. How? By taking care of your own mental health.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Adolescents and School Failure: Tips for Parents

Many adolescents experience a time when keeping up with school work is difficult. These periods may last several weeks and may include social problems as well as a slide in academic performance. Research suggests that problems are more likely to occur during a transitional year, such as moving from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school.

Some teens are able to get through this time with minimal assistance from their parents or educators. It may be enough for a mother or father to be available simply to listen and suggest coping strategies, provide a supportive home environment, and encourage the youngster's participation in school activities. However, when the difficulties last longer than a single grading period, or are linked to a long-term pattern of poor school performance or behavior problems, parents and educators need to intervene.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Some risk factors (listed below) may represent persistent problems from the early elementary school years for some kids. Other children may overcome early difficulties but begin to experience related problems during middle school or high school. For others, some of these indicators may become noticeable only in early adolescence. To intervene effectively, parents and educators can be aware of some common indicators of a teen at risk for school failure, including:

• Absenteeism - the child is absent five or more days per term.
• Attention problems as a young student - the child has a school history of attention issues or disruptive behavior.
• Behavior problems - the child may be frequently disciplined or show a sudden change in school behavior, such as withdrawing from class discussions.
• Lack of confidence - the child believes that success is linked to native intelligence rather than hard work, and believes that his or her own ability is insufficient, and nothing can be done to change the situation.
• Lack of connection with the school - the child is not involved in sports, music, or other school-related extracurricular activities.
• Limited goals for the future - the child seems unaware of available career options or how to attain those goals.
• Multiple retentions in grade - the child has been retained one or more years.
• Poor grades - the child consistently performs at barely average or below average levels.

When more than one of these attributes characterizes a teen, he/she will likely need assistance from both parents and educators to complete his/her educational experience successfully. Girls, and children from culturally or linguistically diverse groups, may be especially at risk for academic failure if they exhibit these behaviors. Stepping back and letting these children "figure it out" or "take responsibility for their own learning" may lead to a deeper cycle of failure within the school environment.

In a recent survey, when children were asked to evaluate their transitional years, they indicated interest in connecting to their new school and requested more information about extracurricular activities, careers, class schedules, and study skills. Schools that develop programs that ease transitions for children and increase communication between schools may be able to reduce child failure rates.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting style may have an impact on the youngster's school behavior. Many experts distinguish among permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative parenting styles. These parenting styles are associated with different combinations of warmth, support, and limit-setting and supervision for kids.

The permissive style tends to emphasize warmth and neglect limit-setting and supervision; the authoritarian style tends to emphasize the latter and not the former; while the authoritative style is one in which moms and dads offer warmth and support, and limit-setting and supervision. When the authoritative parenting style is used, the teen may be more likely to experience academic success.

It is important to remember that teens need their moms and dads not only to set appropriate expectations and boundaries, but also to advocate for them.

Parents and educators can help adolescents by:

1. Arranging tutoring or study group support for the adolescent from the school or the community through organizations such as the local YMCA or a local college or university
2. Attending school functions, such as sports, and plays
3. Emphasizing the importance of study skills, hard work, and follow-through
4. Encouraging the adolescent to participate in one or more school activities
5. Encouraging the adolescent to volunteer in the community or to participate in community groups such as the YMCA, Scouting, 4-H, religious organizations, or other service-oriented groups to provide an out-of-school support system
6. Helping the adolescent think about career options by arranging for visits to local companies and colleges, picking up information on careers and courses, and encouraging an internship or career-oriented part-time job
7. Making the time to listen to and try to understand the adolescent's fears or concerns
8. Meeting as a team, including parents, educators, and school counselor, asking how they can support the adolescent's learning environment, and sharing their expectations for the youngster's future
9. Providing a supportive home and school environment that clearly values education
10. Setting appropriate boundaries for behavior that are consistently enforced

Understanding the factors that may put a teen at-risk for academic failure will help moms and dads determine if their adolescent is in need of extra support. Above all, parents need to persevere. The adolescent years do pass, and most teens survive them, in spite of bumps along the way. Being aware of common problems can help moms and dads know when it is important to reach out and ask for help before a difficult time develops into a more serious situation.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Giving Up Your Parental Rights

"What is involved in giving up one’s parental rights?"

Any parent can choose to give up his/her parental rights as long as another person, such as the youngster's other parent or an adoptive guardian, is willing to take responsibility for the youngster. By relinquishing parental rights, the parent is usually relieved from any obligation to his/her biological youngster.

Biological parents might choose to give up (relinquish) parental rights in a number of situations. For example:

1. If a couple decides to place a baby for adoption, a court will first need to terminate the parental rights of both biological parents before an adoption can be finalized.
2. If a woman remarries and wants her new husband to adopt her youngster from the previous relationship, the biological father might chose to relinquish his parental rights.
3. Some parents choose not to be involved in the lives of their kids. By giving up parental rights, they can be absolved of responsibility for providing financial support for the kids.

In most cases, when a parent chooses to give up parental rights, he/she is completely released from any obligation to care for his/her biological youngster. Under the eyes of the law, the biological parent and youngster are not related. The youngster may not inherit under the parent’s will as one of his/her kids, and the parent has no obligation whatsoever to care for the youngster.

A parent’s rights must always be terminated by a judge. A parent can sign a paper stating the desire to give up parental rights. A court can involuntarily terminate a parent’s rights, such as in the case of youngster abuse. Some states have a putative father registry in place. This presumes that an unmarried man consents to giving up his parental rights so the baby can be placed for adoption. That holds true unless the father registers with the state after having sex with a woman who is not his wife.

The time frame for giving up parental rights varies. If a parent signs a document stating the desire to terminate parental rights, then this will happen whenever he/she can get a court date before a judge. In the case of giving up parental rights by default through a putative father registry, the state generally specifies how much time the father has to assert his parental rights after the baby is born. If the father does nothing, a judge will terminate his parental rights after the specified time period has elapsed.

In some cases, a parent might continue to be held responsible for financially supporting the biological youngster even after he/she gives up paternal rights. For example, if the mother must seek governmental assistance in order to support the youngster, a judge has the authority to terminate parental rights. He can still require the father to pay youngster support until the youngster reaches adulthood. This results in the father still being financially responsible for the youngster without having any visitation rights or say in how the youngster is raised.

==> Join Online Parent Support 

Dealing with Tough Financial Times

A lot of U.S. families are having “financial woes” these days. More families are facing foreclosure on their mortgages …energy prices and grocery bills are all going up ...and uncertainty over when things will take a turn for the better is making everyone tighten-up their spending.

So how do moms and dads explain this “money crunch” to their fashion-conscious middle-school children as well as their teens with dreams of out-of-state college or a new car? Here are some tips that may help:

1. Be honest with your kids — but don't tell them more than they need to know. Avoid overloading older children with too many details or worries that might scare them. Stick to brief explanations and be clear about changes made to the family budget.

2. Encouraging children to find creative ways to save or make money not only helps them feel empowered — it helps them feel like they're doing their part to help out.

3. Even young children are “brand- and consumer-aware” these days, so don't expect them to volunteer to scale back on their treats or activities right away – but, if you want to encourage budgeting behavior, offer incentives to get children on board.

4. Explain the new rules and also new opportunities for earning privileges and treats. Make it fun. Challenge children to come up with family-friendly, cost-effective activities that everyone will enjoy.

5. Explore fun, low-cost activities. Challenge your family to create memories without visiting a mall or a store. Some ideas include:

• bike riding together
• concerts
• cultural
• free movie nights
• going to a park
• library events
• museums and other local art
• sporting events
• visiting yard sales

6. Family meetings are a great way to establish these new “spending rules,” even if they're temporary until family finances are in better shape.

7. Get children involved. Do children get an allowance they can save up? Can they earn money or points toward back-to-school items? Older children might look into helping pay for college by saving money or applying for scholarships, loans, or grants.

8. When money is tight, tell your youngster that you cannot buy new toys right now, but perhaps the toys can be put on a wish list for the next birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, or other gift-giving occasion.

9. If you can afford something that your youngster wants, offer a small reward in exchange for good behavior or keeping the bedroom straight. Short-term rewards, such as stickers or tokens, can keep younger children motivated. Financial incentives can help older children earn money toward their goals while teaching them valuable lessons about saving.

10. It's hard to keep your cool when you're working hard to keep the family afloat, or stressed out because the bank has threatened foreclosure. Take a deep breath and stay calm. If necessary, tell your youngster that you'll talk about it later, then be sure to set aside time to do so.

11. Children may not be interested in the global economy or why money is tight, but they can be told that there is a limited amount of money in the family budget. Do not cave into their every whim, and instead encourage children to plan ahead for new purchases.

12. Knowing what you want to say, what changes will be made, and how those changes will affect each youngster can help make this a little easier.

13. Learn to say "no." Sometimes moms and dads say "yes" to their children before figuring out how they'll afford a new expense. Even if you agreed to something, you can explain that you made a mistake, and — in order to be a financially responsible family — everyone must forego certain treats for a while.

14. Manage stress levels. Get support — yours is not the only family going through hard times. Try joining a support group or other social network in your area. Support groups are offered through local hospitals, churches, synagogues, libraries, and schools. If you feel that stress or anxiety is really starting to take its toll, tell your doctor, who may be able to put you in touch with counselors or suggest therapeutic strategies — such as relaxation techniques, exercise, or yoga — that can help you feel better and learn to manage your stress.

15. Once you've had "the talk" about money matters with your children, keep a list posted — perhaps on the refrigerator door — of the new house rules so that everyone knows what is expected of them.

16. Preteens are old enough to save money from a weekly allowance or earn it by doing chores around the house, raking leaves, or shoveling snow around the neighborhood.

17. Remind yourself that it's OK to reject pleas and set limits. You're not depriving your kids — you're teaching them important lessons about delaying gratification, earning treats and rewards, and about family finances. After all, food and rent come before toys.

18. Through part-time jobs or regular babysitting, teens can earn money outside the home and cover many of their own expenses.

19. When talking to your children, let them know that they're not alone in their desires. Say how you feel when you see something that you want, but can't purchase it right away. Explain that everyone in the family has to cut down on spending — including you — and remind them that, if they're really motivated, there are ways to earn money and work toward the things they truly want.

20. There are a lot of fun things to do that don’t cost a dime (or no more than a few bucks). Here are some ideas for “family fun” on a budget:

• Bake bread

• Bake cookies or a cake

• Cook an ethnic dinner

• Do soap carving

• Go and visit grandparents

• Go bike riding together

• Go bowling

• Go camping

• Go fishing

• Go swimming

• Go to a movie together

• Go to the library

• Go wading in a creek

• Go window-shopping

• Have a bonfire

• Have a family meeting to discuss whatever

• Have a family picnic in the park. Let the kids help prepare the food -- make sandwiches, pack an ice chest, make cookies for dessert

• Have a late evening cookout

• Have a neighborhood barbeque

• Have a water balloon fight in the backyard

• Learn a new game

• Make candles

• Make caramel corn

• Make homemade ice cream

• Plan a vacation

• Plant a tree

• Play basketball

• Play cards

• Play Frisbee

• Put a puzzle together

• Roast marshmallows

• Share feelings

• Sit on the porch in lawn chairs and watch people and cars go by

• Take a hike through a state park

• Take a walk through the woods

• Take a walk through your neighborhood. Say hello to everyone you meet, whether you know them or not

• Take advantage of entertainment the schools have to offer (e.g., band concerts, school plays)

• Take family pictures

• Take flowers to a friend

• Try a walk in the rain

• Try stargazing

• Visit a college campus

• Visit a museum

• Visit a relative

• Visit different parks in town

• Visit the fire station

• Visit the neighbors

• Watch a television show together

• Work on a family scrapbook

• Write letters to friends

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With Difficult Toddler Behavior

Dealing with toddler behavior can be really stressful when you’re not sure how to handle it.

Every parent knows that so-called “bad behavior” starts with the “terrible twos” and often gets worse before it gets better. We’ll call them the “tortuous threes.”

Some important “toddler traits” include the following:

1. Toddlers are mobile and expressive. They know how to move (fast!) and they know how to express themselves with words and actions. They know how to ask for things. They know how to scream at you when you say “no”. But they pretty much lack any capability to use adult logic.
2. Toddlers want independence. Toddlers can tell you what they want to have, or what they want to do, they want to be allowed to have it (or do it). They want to push the boundaries and try new things. Yet too many moms and dads don’t realize this is how the youngster learns and gains confidence. If you keep your youngster boxed into a strict set of rules, you risk squashing their inner confidence and willingness to take chances.
3. Toddlers have short fuses. Most toddlers behave as if everything is the end of their little world. And it annoys the heck out of moms and dads! We just want them to understand that not everything is a big deal, but we get screaming fits and tantrums instead. The parent’s view of the world is in complete misalignment with the youngster’s view.
4. Toddlers have a short attention span. I think it’s fair to say that nearly all toddlers have short attention spans unless they are very engaged in some activity. When I say these kids have a short attention span I mean that they can be easily distracted from most oncoming tantrums that relate to things like, “Mommy I want that toy.”

Language is a great parenting tool. And since your toddler is now able to express himself much more clearly than a year ago, this is a great time to use language. The most important language tool is to do something I call “getting in their head.” If your youngster doesn’t feel like you understand him, or at least that you are trying to understand him, you’ll encounter a big wall of resistance. What happens next? Welcome to temper tantrum city.

You can enter your youngster’s head by simply telling your youngster what you know to be true about his situation. For example: “Michael, I know that you want to play over here with this toy.” Next you can build on this rapport with an amplification statement such as, “…and that sure does look like a really fun toy. I bet you really like the nice colors!”

Doing this is like magic. Please don’t overlook it as simplistic and childish. It’s supposed to be! You’re dealing with a toddler! You need to enter their world, and that’s how you do it. The moment you do, your youngster is calmer and open to distraction, suggestion, humor, or logical consequences (should you need them).

If you are butting heads with your toddler, always build rapport by getting in their head before you try to implement any kind of behavioral change tactic. Otherwise, I promise you that you’ll have a more stressful time and there will be more tears. You’re mission is to prevent that.

Say your toddler wants to get a glass out of the cupboard by himself. You can’t have him climbing up on the counter and risking a fall, or having a glass shatter in his face. So you say “no” and you do it for him. He doesn’t understand. He throws a fit. All of a sudden you’re sitting there wondering, “What’s wrong with his behavior?”

It all could have been prevented very easily. How? You first get in your youngster’s head with a comment like, “Michael, I’m really proud of you for wanting to get things for yourself. It’s important to learn new things.” I’d even go so far as to be very specific and say, “You want to get a cup down all by yourself. That’s great.”

Knowing that you can’t explain the logic behind the danger of broken glass, you need to shift his attention. I recommend offering a choice where both outcomes are what you want. Grab two plastic cups and put them in the cupboard. Say to him, “Which cup are you going to get down all by yourself? The blue one or the orange one?” Chances are good he’ll pick one. Then, lift him so he can open the cupboard door himself and take out the cup. Disaster averted.

Maybe he refuses the plastic cups. He insists that he must drink out of a glass cup just like you. After all, kids model their moms and dads. They want to do what we do. How do you handle this?

One example would be to use humor as a distraction. First, you’d establish that Michael wants to drink out of the glass cup and NOT the plastic cup. As long as you’re OK with him drinking out of a glass cup, you probably want to get it down for him.

You take down the cup without giving him a chance to object, but you immediately implement humor. Hold the glass over one eye, looking through the bottom. Start making pirate noises and pretending it’s a telescope. “Arggg … I see you down there and I’m coming to get you!” Said in a humorous way, this will almost always burst your youngster into giggles. Next thing you know, he’s completely forgotten about wanting to get the cup down for himself. You’d still want to tell him that you are proud of him for drinking so neatly all by himself.

The worst case scenario is that none of this will work, and you’ll have to fall back on basic training. You go back to offering him a choice. He can either have you take down the glass cup, or he can take down the plastic cup. You stay calm and unemotional. You make it clear that these are his choices and it’s up to him to decide. If he doesn’t decide, he doesn’t drink. And if he throws a tantrum, you may simply have to leave the room and let him know that you’ll come back after he calms down.

Just remember that if you yell right back at your youngster, you are NOT in his head. You’re on the outside. You are raising the stress levels and throwing away your opportunity to either enjoy your youngster in the moment, or train him to understand a basic household rule. You don’t want that.

Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the Terrible Twos and Beyond