Son Complains to Grandma Whenever He's Disciplined by Mom

"I AM NEW TO YOUR PROGRAM AND I DO HAVE A SITUATION I DIDN'T SEE ON YOUR SITE. I HAVE 6 KIDS, TWO OF WHICH ARE STEPSONS. THE OLDEST OF THE TWO IS THE ONE I AM HAVING ISSUES WITH. MY HUSBAND WORKS OFFSHORE AND IS GONE A LOT, SO I AM ON MY OWN A LOT OF THE TIME.

THE PROBLEM I KEEP ENCOUNTERING IS WHEN THE STEPSON GETS INTO TROUBLE OR IS NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING HE WANTS TO CALL HIS GRANDMOTHER (MY MOTHER-IN-LAW) TO WHINE AND COMPLAIN TO HER.

SHE ALWAYS TRIES TO CONTROL WHAT GOES ON IN MY HOME AND HAS EVEN GONE TO HIS SCHOOL TO TALK TO HIS TEACHERS, COUNSELORS AND SO ON.

I REALLY HAVE REACHED THE END OF MY ROPE WITH THIS ISSUE AND FEEL LIKE I CAN'T EVEN DISCIPLINE HIM FOR FEAR OF WHAT SHE MIGHT DO OR SAY.

ANY ADVICE?

HOPELESS IN LOUISIANA, K."

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There is a thin line between being interfering and being helpful, and a child's grandparents seem to be constantly crossing that line.

When a child is born, the child's grandparents can be a great source of help, support and encouragement. Grandparents almost always know what to do when their grandchild child is unwell, not eating, not burping, not sleeping, crying too much, sneezing.... and so on. In fact, many women would call their mothers or mothers-in-law before calling their husbands, for advice regarding health issues. But when it comes to advice regarding child rearing, it suddenly seems as though grandparents have it all wrong.

There is a thin line between being interfering and being helpful, and a child's grandparents, (especially if they are your in-laws!) seem to be constantly crossing that line.

If you discuss your child's behavioral aspects with his grandparents, be prepared for advice. If you don't want to hear advice, then don't discuss their problems with them. It would be unfair on your part if you unburden your worries on them, and then when they offer solutions, argue with them about why what they are saying doesn't make sense.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Be prepared to heed some advice. Don't be completely closed to their inputs. After all, they did bring up your spouse, didn't they? And how wrong did they go? If you love your spouse and if he turned out to be a sensible, balanced and nice person, it makes sense for you to at least give their ideas a fair hearing even if such ideas oppose yours. It is always better to have an open mind with regard to child rearing since everything is so subjective.

It is true that you can bring up your child the way you feel is right, but in your strong desire to do this, don't discount good tips. Many mothers, feeling threatened by constant interference from in-laws, make it a point not to heed their advice. This is completely understandable, as it is just a defensive reaction. Instead, if you have a problem with your child's grandparent's interference, discuss it with them. Let them know that you feel a certain way on certain issues, and that you would welcome their suggestions on other matters or when you ask for them.

It is all too easy for parents to criticize in-laws for interfering, but not all understand the emotion behind such interference. True, many in-laws are unnecessarily dominating, but irrespective, if you feel that their ideas do not completely go against your beliefs, you could perhaps give in to them every once in a while to maintain peace, especially if you are living together. Don't refuse to listen to them because you know that your husband is on your side or because you know that you have enough freedom and really can do whatever you want. Instead of simply turning a blind eye to what grandparents feel, discuss it with them and let them know why you feel strongly about doing things in another manner.

Always remember that grandparents nowadays have valuable experience, and make for the best baby sitters. These days, with people staying healthier in their old age, grandparents can participate in various activities with their children. They can tell them stories of the days gone by, inculcate in children a sense of family pride, and increase a child's knowledge about his culture and heritage. So bear this in mind the next time you are tempted to snap at them for interfering. It is for your own peace of mind.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Deal with Excessive Tiredness in Your Teenager

Hi Mark,

K's current problems are - bad sleep patterns, and not spending enough time on his study (in fact, almost no time).

Given the success of using the program for his other behaviours (still ups and downs, but he has actually modified his behaviour because of this program), I would like to state these rules & consequences:

1. No sleeping after school (or during the day on weekends). Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hours.

2. At least 1.5 hrs of study per night - in a way that is transparent. that is, when I look in on him, he should be entirely open about what homework he is doing. If he doesn't do enough time, or refuses to tell me what he is doing - Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hrs.

He had a blood test to rule out a medical cause for his tiredness (we get the results in a couple of days) - obviously if there is medical issue and the doctor says he needs more rest, I wouldn't have this rule, but I am confident that won't be the case, and I would like to have clear plan and clear expectations starting from next week.

As always, I appreciate your advice.

Thanks,

V.

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Hi V.,

I like it. Good plan.

I wouldn’t worry too much about any physical problems related to his being tired. I doubt that the tests will reveal anything. Most teens are at the developmental stage in which there is so much “growth-spurting” going on that tiredness is the rule rather than the exception. During the adolescent growth spurt, more sleep is required than previously because of increased growth (growth essentially goes on only during the hours of sleep).

The social pressures of the teen years - staying up late to watch TV, text on the phone endlessly with friends, or do the homework that should have been done earlier in the evening - when combined with the need to arise early in the morning for school, can easily create a situation in which the adolescent is chronically sleep deprived.

Inadequate sleep usually results in some variation of daytime sleepiness or tiredness, but may also curiously result in hyperactivity, school problems, emotional problems, and other daytime behavioral difficulties.

Before considering what might be causing “abnormal daytime sleepiness,” it is wise to begin by determining whether your son is even getting enough sleep to begin with. When a child goes to sleep at night and when he arouses in the morning may well be the explanation for sleepiness and lead to easy resolution of it.

For example, a 15-year-old should be getting about 8-3/4 hours of sleep per night. An 18-year-old needs about 8-1/4 hours.

Questions to consider:

Does your son consume any medications or drugs that can influence sleep patterns or lead to daytime sleepiness?

• antihistamines
• anti-seizure medications for epileptic children may cause drowsiness, especially phenobarbital
• caffeine (colas, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, tea)
• chocolate (active ingredient is theobromine, closely related to caffeine with similar effects)
• in adolescents, consider drugs of abuse, notably cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol

Are there any abnormal sleep behaviors?

• abnormal sleep positions (for example, the child cannot sleep unless neck is positioned awkwardly)
• bedwetting
• night terrors or confusional arousals (screaming or crying while not totally awake)
• sleepwalking
• Snoring or sleep apnea (prolonged cessation of loud breathing noises in sleep)

Are there daytime problems with school performance or behavior?

• emotional problems, teariness
• hyperactivity, aggressiveness or disruptive behavior
• inattention, mind wandering
• interference with peer relations
• poor grades - is the child functioning well at grade level?
• sleepiness in class

I hope this helps,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Teenage Son Is Emotionally Abusive Toward Father

Hi Mark, I seem to have reached stalemate. We are not having as many arguments as I refuse to get angry and always use my best poker face, however my son has a nasty angry response to every single thing I say, even if it is just hello. The responses are normally "shut up, don't speak to me, I don't want to talk to you, F... off " …I understand this is him just trying to push my buttons, but how can we move on from this. I can't have any conversation. I have tried asking him once per week to join us for dinner, but to no avail (although I will keep going). There is no way he would ever accompany us on an outing. I know we still have a long way to go. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks, Steve.

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Hi S.,

First of all, it is not uncommon for boys to have serious power struggles with their fathers – and girls to struggle with their mothers.

Second, I suggest that you stop trying to “bond” with him – that’s right - stop it!

Here’s why:

The true paradox is the harder you try to win-over an intense child, the more you lose him. Teenagers, by their very nature, want to be separate from their parents. But strong-willed, out-of-control teenagers take the term “autonomy-seeking” to a whole new level.

Let’s look into the mind of your son (the bad news first):

1. He does NOT like you (although he loves you in the deep recesses of his heart, and if you died suddenly, he would be devastated).
2. He probably thinks that you are a “geek” or a “nerd” – therefore he does NOT want to be anything like you.
3. He takes the father-son relationship for granted.
4. He creates distance in order to preserver his autonomy.
5. The behavior he uses to create distance comes in the form of verbal assaults.
6. He has no plans of changing this cycle any time soon.

The good news:

1. This will all change when he leaves the nest and has to live out in the “real world.”
2. After a few months raising his first child – he will realize that “dad” wasn’t such a “bad guy” after all – that’s right …he will “like you” again.

Back to the paradox—

Just as “the harder you try to win-over an intense child, the more you lose him” - the opposite is true as well. And this is where it may get a bit tough for you.

You should work toward emotional detachment. Once you are truly “emotionally detached,” here’s what happens:

1. You won’t be as likely to take his attacks personally. Instead, you will view them as an exaggerated need to be independent.
2. You won’t try harder than your son to preserve the relationship, thus you will be much less stressed out, confused and aggravated.
3. Your son will stop taking the relationship for granted, thus you will garner more displays of respect from him.
4. You will spend more time and energy taking care of YOU.
5. You will be able to cultivate the patience required to ride out the storm.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should be his “whipping post.” You cannot just roll over and allow him to be abusive toward you. This would send a very bad message that "it is o.k. to abuse authority figures."

I’m going to use a very unpopular term here for dramatic emphasis because I want to get my point across in no uncertain terms: You absolutely cannot be perceived as a “pussy” in your son’s eyes. If you display any signs of weakness whatsoever, your son will use you as prey.

In the event he is calling you names or using excessive profanity, a consequence (see “When You Want Something From Your Kid” – online version of the eBook) should be implemented. However, this doesn’t mean you should adopt an abusive attitude in return. As the old saying goes, “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.”

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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The Teacher Is Picking On My Son

Mark, I am into the second week of the program and have made some progress with my son. However, he has a teacher that seems to have the ability to reverse in one 45 minute class period what took me 3 days to accomplish. It frustrates the hell out of me. About a month ago my son had a hernia repair operation and missed one week of school to recover. That seems to be where things started to break down. She failed to send his assignments like the other teachers did and gave him zeros on the assignments he missed. I have lodged several complaints with the school about this. In short, there seems to be constant tension between the two. She calls me almost daily complaining about misbehavior in her class and sends him to the principal's office. Here are some of the "offenses" he has committed that results in him getting put on detention. "He rolled his eyes at me." "He gave me a funny look." "He wouldn't answer a question when called on."

Mark, he has no problems with any of his other teachers and is doing quite well in his other classes. I believe he feels like he is getting picked on by her and singled out. I have asked the school to move him to another class. However, they so far have refused. I certainly don't want his problems in her class to affect his other classes and desperately am trying to find a solution. He is very upset about this class. Any suggestions? Thanks, R.

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If you think there may be a problem between this teacher and your son, here's a plan of action:

Gather the facts— Try to remain objective and open-minded. If there is a problem, don’t immediately assume that it is entirely the teacher's fault; it could be a problem with your child or the school. If your school or teacher will allow it, sit in and observe what goes on in the classroom. If parent observation is not permitted, talk with other parents to see if their children are having problems. Also talk with parents whose child had this teacher in past years to determine if there is an ongoing problem.

Document the problems— Write down the times and dates of incidents of a teacher's inappropriate behavior. If other parents are noticing problems, ask them to do the same.

Call or meet with the teacher— Schedule a face-to-face meeting if you feel a phone call won't resolve the problem.

Approach the teacher as a professional and an ally— Avoid a confrontational attitude and stick to the facts. Try to stay clear of personal criticism. Focus on classroom practices, curriculum and what you feel your child needs. Once you have had a conversation with the teacher, give him the opportunity and a fair amount of time to improve the situation.

Follow the school's policy— Your school should have a policy on teacher-parent disagreements. Ask what the policy is and follow it. Give this process time to work.

Contact the principal— If you don't see any progress after a few weeks, take your concerns to the principal. But be aware that it is always better if you can resolve the problem without involving the principal. Once you involve the principal, you cross a line, and your relationship and your child's relationship with the teacher will be forever changed.

Contact the district superintendent— If you still haven't resolved the problem after speaking with the principal, contact the district superintendent. Ask what the district's policy is on evaluating teachers and how teachers are assigned to schools in the district. Gather other parents with you who are concerned about the teacher. Realize that this process takes time and may not end in a quick solution, but there is hope if you are persistent in working with other parents and continue to voice your concerns.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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What To Do When You and Your Spouse Disagree On Discipline

"My husband and I have very different parenting styles and that has really worked against us over the years …I tend to be strict while my husband is not and I feel that I need to compensate for his lack of discipline and follow through. I'm constantly clashing with my kids and tired of being the wicked witch."

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When parents have different disciplining styles, there's bound to be dissension and arguing. Tension's a given anytime two or more people work on the same project but each take a different approach.

Co-parenting is similar to any other partnership. Each person brings to the table what's been learned along the way. As parents, we're influenced by the disciplinary approaches we experienced growing up, and we tend to apply them to our children-often without first talking them through with our partner.

Imagine a baseball team-eager to win a game-but guided by two coaches who follow different rules and dish out contradictory information. Imagine the tension and the reactions of the players as they witness the coaches quarreling. If you and your husband fight in front of the children, you may not be aware of the ways in which they are affected. Some children may learn "that must be the way people resolve conflicts." Others may learn how to play one parent against the other, which causes even more confusion and distress in the family.

Here are some strategies that can be helpful:

1. Agree on a signal to alert both of you that the conversation is, or is about to, get too heated and needs to be halted. Make a commitment both to honor – and act on the signal. You might walk away and have an agreed-upon cooling off period. Or set a time to revisit your differences in opinion. Or write down what you're feeling and later share it with your partner, who might better understand where you're coming from.

2. Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in kids’ behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. It should come as no surprise that your toddler becomes defiant or your preschooler has an occasional temper tantrum. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle these predictable situations. That way you’ll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

3. Create your own family "rule book." Write clear, reasonable, attainable rules (for both parents and kids) about what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Your family, like a baseball team, will be more successful when you have clear guidelines.

4. Do not to go overboard in trying to avoid arguments. Having small squabbles in front of the kids – and then resolving them peacefully – can actually be good for them; it shows that it's possible to disagree with someone you love, and that relationships don't end just because people are quarreling with each other.

5. Don’t be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your spouse, your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining kids. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: It helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as parents, and it gives you and your spouse a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

6. Don't let negative childhood experiences determine your decision making about discipline. Keep your focus on the positive aspects of your family life in childhood to bring to your current parenting practices. This approach will free you to replace discipline strategies that don't work for both parents because of beliefs based in families of origin with solution-focused practices that respect and continue the positive experiences of both parents' childhoods.

7. Have a conversation about the ways childhood histories may be influencing the disagreement about discipline. Take a problem-solving approach to identify: (1) What is the specific child-rearing issue that is causing disagreement between parents? (2) What are the feelings and beliefs that each parent has about the issue that may be rooted in childhood family history? (3) What problem-solving alternatives can each of you commit to that will resolve the disagreement and unite both parents in adapting the beliefs and practices of your families of origin to your family life today?

8. Negotiate a Plan in Calm Waters. Sit down with your spouse and try to agree on ways to discipline at a time when nothing is wrong. When you discuss things calmly, you're more likely to come up with a plan you can both stick to. This will allow you to talk about what's best for your child, and not "who's right."

9. Present a Unified Front. Kids understand when their moms & dads feel differently about disciplining, no matter what their age. Kids will often get away with misbehaving simply by creating an argument between you and your spouse — and this not only lets them off the hook, it creates a problem between the moms & dads. Make sure that your child sees both parents following the same guidelines, no matter what the scenario. Once your kids start receiving the same treatment from both parents, they'll stop using your disagreements as a way to avoid punishment.

10. Put your childhood experiences in historical perspective. Gender roles, child safety issues, environmental factors, and cultural norms change dramatically across the generations. What worked for your family 'back in the day' may not transfer comfortably to your current family situation. What are the issues in modern family life that trigger a strong belief that the values and child-rearing practices from your childhood are important to uphold and continue in your own family?

11. Recognize that strong beliefs about child rearing may have their basis in childhood family experiences. At the same time, know that your spouse's beliefs have the same powerful roots.

12. Recognize What Your Arguments Do to Your Kids. No child likes to see his or her parents fight. When you argue about what to do with your kids, you create a troubling environment for them, which could have serious long-term effects. Fighting with your spouse shifts the focus away from your child — and how they can learn to stop misbehaving — and on to a "parent versus parent" situation.

13. Remember the positive experiences from your childhood. Think about your everyday life rather than the major events. What was going on around you during those happy times? It's fun to share these memories with your family, so make them a part of your traditions and family life. What are the positive values and childhood experiences that you want to uphold and continue in your family?

14. Remember your successes. During your marriage, you and your husband have undoubtedly successfully negotiated many situations -- with each of you both giving and taking a little until you reached some middle ground. You can also be successful at ending arguments in front of the kids if you really want to. It won't be easy, but it will be rewarding. And your kids will be the ultimate winners.

15. Seek professional help from a good Marriage & Family Therapist if you continue to struggle with co-parenting issues.

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