“Parenting my angry rebellious teenage daughter is SO HARD!"

Hi S.,

I’ve responded to each of your points below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>

Good Morning,

To begin, I just wanted to say that I joined your online program a few days ago and it has already been so helpful. There seems to be an ample supply of resources in my community for parenting young children, but haven't come across much for parenting the pre-teen and teen ages. I've been studying the materials and started implementing the strategies therein. Which has now brought about a couple of questions I could use some support on.

First, a few days ago I removed my daughter's computer privilege for the 3 day time frame. I didn't engage in the power struggle, simply explained the consequence, and stated I wasn't going to argue. The first day went surprisingly well. She did say my rules were dumb and asked for clarification about how long and when she would get computer time back. I told her if there were no more occurrences of the specific behavior she would have her computer time back on Saturday (3 days).

>>>>>>>>>>> You are doing a wonderful job. Go MOM!

The second day however, wasn't as smooth. She attempted to argue with me about it and I stated I wasn't going to argue. Then she tried to manipulate the issue and say she ONLY wanted to put music on her ipad and wouldn't use the computer for anything else. I said she could download her music on Saturday. I was on the phone with a friend at the time, and had already put the call on hold once to tell her I wasn't going to argue and restate the time frame. I went back to my phone call and she started mumbling unpleasentries and even throwing some things around the living room. I ignored, then she started yelling get off the phone and eventually, inappropriate things to my friend on the phone.

>>>>>>>>>> At this point, the parent should assert [with a poker face], “If you choose to continue to interrupt me while I’m on the phone, you will choose the consequence, which is the 3-day-discipline will re-start.” If she interrupts again, then follow through with the consequence.

I continued to talk in hopes that my friend wouldn't hear and did not end my telephone conversation immediately. That is absolutely inappropriate, but I was so lost as to what to do or how to address. On one hand if I got off the phone ... then, I allowed her to control the situation ... on the other hand, my friend should not be verbally attacked by my 13 year old daughter? What is your suggestion for an appropriate response in that situation. I know she needs attention and approval and I am making sure to spend time with her, ask about her day, give positive feedback for good things I notice, etc. I did nothing during or after that to address it. Do you go back and talk about it after the situation is calm? I'm confused ... I don’t want to engage in a power struggle, but there are certain boundaries she shouldn't cross isn't there? When I was off the phone, she then asked if I would download the music for her. I said yes, I could download the songs if she made a list (not sure if that was right).

>>>>>>>>>>> Unfortunately, this was a form of retracting your established consequence – you just got manipulated again!
 
She then decided she would wait until Saturday and do it herself. This is so confusing and hard because it seems that every situation perpetuates another?

>>>>>>>>>>If you find that “one problem is creating another,” you simply state that if she chooses to introduce a new problem, she will choose the consequence, which is the 3-day-discipline will be started over.

>>>>>>>>>>> Let’s use an example: Daughter has been issued a 3-day-discipline (i.e., no computer privileges) for getting on Facebook when she was warned not to. On day 2, daughter wants to get on the computer to download music. Mom says “no” (one time) …gives her reason for saying “no” (one time) …and tells her daughter that when the 3-day-discipline is completed, the privilege will be reinstated.

>>>>>>>>>>>The daughter begins to have an inappropriate temper tantrum as a result. Thus, mom states, “If you choose to continue to argue with me, you will choose the consequence, which is the 3 days starts over.” Daughter continues to argue. Mom now says, “Because you chose to continue to argue, you chose the consequence, which is the 3 days starts over -- as soon as you calm down.” When the daughter chooses to stop yelling/arguing, mom looks at her watch and re-starts the 3-day-discipline.

Also, I know I need to accept and validate her feelings about things ... how/when do you do that?

>>>>>>>>>> You do that when she is calm; when she is behaving appropriately. Validation is not part of the equation during the period of time you are issuing a consequence.

At the moment the situation occurs I'm not arguing about it or showing emotion or engaging in any power struggle. But, I also want to be careful not to totally disregard her. After a blow up do you go back and discuss what happened?

>>>>>>>>> This is optional. If the employment of “Fair Fighting” (see the section on Fair Fighting) works in her case, then yes, discuss and problem solve. Otherwise, just let the execution of the consequence be the teacher.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

Parenting Children and Teens Who Are Oppositional and Defiant

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD]: Questions & Answers

==> Help for Parents of Children and Teens with ODD (and comorbid ADHD)

How to Educate Your Teen About "S e x"

 "What's the most appropriate way to talk to teenagers about the topic of sex education?"

Sex education basics may be covered in health class, but adolescents might not hear or understand everything they need to know to make tough choices about sex. That's where parents come in. Awkward as it may be, sex education is your responsibility. By reinforcing and supplementing what your adolescent learns in school, you can set the stage for a lifetime of healthy sexuality.

If parents wait for the perfect moment to discuss sexual issues, they may miss the best opportunities. Instead, think of sex education as an ongoing conversation. Here are some ideas to help you get started and keep the discussion going:

1. Clearly state your feelings about specific issues (e.g., oral sex, intercourse). Present the risks objectively, including emotional pain, sexually transmitted infections, and unplanned pregnancy. Explain that oral sex isn't a risk-free alternative to intercourse.
2. If you're uncomfortable, say so — but explain that it's important to keep talking. If you don't know how to answer your adolescent's questions, offer to find the answers or look them up together.
3. Don't lecture your adolescent or rely on scare tactics to discourage sexual activity. Instead, listen carefully. Understand your adolescent's pressures, challenges and concerns.
4. Let your adolescent know that it's OK to talk with you about sex whenever he or she has questions or concerns. Reward questions by saying, "I'm glad you came to me about this."
5. Your adolescent needs accurate information about sex, but it's just as important to talk about feelings, attitudes and values. Examine questions of ethics and responsibility in the context of your personal or religious beliefs.
6. When a television program or music video raises issues about responsible sexual behavior, use it as a springboard for discussion. Remember that everyday moments (e.g., riding in the car, putting away groceries, etc.) sometimes offer the best opportunities to talk.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Sex education for adolescents includes abstinence, date rape, homosexuality and other tough topics. Be prepared for questions like these:

What if my friend wants to have sex, but I don't? Explain that no one should have sex out of a sense of obligation or fear. Any form of forced sex is rape, whether the perpetrator is a stranger or someone your adolescent has been dating. Impress upon your adolescent that no always means no. Emphasize that alcohol and drugs impair judgment and reduce inhibitions, leading to situations in which date rape is more likely to occur.

What if I think I'm homosexual? Many adolescents wonder at some point whether they're gay or bisexual. Help your adolescent understand that he or she is just beginning to explore sexual attraction. These feelings may change as time goes on. Above all, however, let your adolescent know that you love him or her unconditionally. Praise your adolescent for sharing his or her feelings.

How will I know I'm ready for sex? Various factors (e.g., peer pressure, curiosity, loneliness, etc.) steer some adolescents into early sexual activity. But there's no rush. Remind your adolescent that it's OK to wait. Sexual activity is for mature adults. In the meantime, there are many other ways to express affection (e.g., intimate talks, long walks, holding hands, listening to music, dancing, kissing, touching, hugging, etc.).

Adolescents and grown-ups are often unaware of how regularly dating violence occurs, so it is important to get the facts and share them with your adolescent. Moms and dads also should be alert to warning signs that an adolescent may be a victim of dating violence, such as:

• Suspicious bruises, scratches or other injuries
• Loss of interest in school or activities that were once enjoyable
• Fearfulness around their dating partner
• Excusing their dating partner's behavior
• Avoidance of friends and social events
• Alcohol or drug use

Adolescents who are abusive toward their partners are at risk of legal problems as well as emotional consequences. If they don't get help, these adolescents often develop lifelong patterns of unhealthy, unhappy relationships.

The lessons adolescents learn today about respect, healthy relationships, and what is right or wrong will carry over into their future relationships. Therefore, it's important to talk with your adolescent about what does and doesn't constitute a healthy relationship.

If your adolescent becomes sexually active (whether you think he or she is ready or not), keep the conversation going. State your feelings openly and honestly. Remind your adolescent that you expect him or her to take sex and the associated responsibilities seriously. Stress the importance of safe sex, and make sure your adolescent understands how to get and use contraception.

Your adolescent's physician can help, too. A routine checkup can give your adolescent the opportunity to address sexual activity and other behaviors in a supportive, confidential atmosphere — as well as learn about contraception and safe sex. The physician may also stress the importance of routine human papillomavirus vaccination to help prevent genital warts and cervical cancer.

With your support, your adolescent can emerge into a sexually responsible grown-up. Be honest and speak from the heart. Don't be discouraged if your adolescent doesn't seem interested in what you have to say about sex. Say it anyway. Studies show that adolescents whose moms and dads talk openly about sex are more responsible in their sexual behavior.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting Defiant Teens: eBook Link

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents