Is your defiant teenager depressed or extremely manipulative or a combination of both?

My 14 (almost 15) yr. old son is dating a 17 yr. girl. Just about the time he started seeing her, my almost 17 yr. son came to me because he felt his brother was showing signs of depression. The oldest son is very mature, kind, very religious, and sensitive towards others, particularly his brothers. He showed me how to access his brother's instant messaging e-mails. I was then able to get into my son's head (he's not very talkative) and find out what is going on with his girlfriend because I had some concerns about their relationship. Also in his e-mails, he told his friends that he was very sad but didn't know why and that he doesn't believe in God. I kept on eye on it and didn't see anything more in the e-mail about him being sad nor did I notice him looking down until I grounded him. The younger one has had his moments of bad moods over the years, and with the combination of hormones and having a girlfriend in the picture, I decided to monitor it.

Long story short, I told him I didn't want him to be alone in the car with her. That's what started the terrible outbursts. My husband and I came home to them in our driveway and I knew they were doing more than kissing. I found out more on the e-mail. They are not there yet (physically) but will be if I don't try and prevent it. He doesn't know about the e-mail, of course. After I told him my concerns about being alone in the car with her, he had a major temper tantrum like I never saw before. He swore at me, threw things and screamed at me. I grounded him over the weekend. That meant more tantrums. My husband was out of town so I had to do this all by myself. My son took full advantage of his dad not being around and let it all out. Screaming and crying for hours begging and begging to go out.

He was telling me how very sad he was and that he needed to talk to his friends. Normally, he is a very good kid. Does very well in school (except after I told him about the car issue and the straight A student received a D on a test recently) and has great friends (including his girlfriend). I stood my ground with the grounding, but he was wearing me down. He followed me throughout the house crying and begging. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I went into the bathroom a lot that day (yesterday) to get away from him. Sometimes he would get into a fetal position. At one point he grabbed a knife and said he was going to use it on himself. I didn't let on but I didn't believe him. The 17 yr old got it away from him. My older son was so upset that he broke down sobbing. I ended up calling the police after he threatened to take some pills. They talked to him and got him on the phone with a crisis center and recommended that he see someone. He told the counselor that if he had had a gun, he would have used it.

Afterwards, he was very tired and calm after 8 hrs of crying and went to bed (it was rather late). I was exhausted. At 6:45, he woke me up (it was a Sunday) to ask if it was now all right for him to see his friends that day. Technically, he was still grounded. After the scare from the night before, and the fact that I didn't want to go through it again...I told him yes. He ended up telling me his plans (his girlfriend was going to pick him up) and they were going out to eat and then her parent’s house to watch a movie. He was smiling when he walked in the door after being with her. He then asked me when dinner was because he wanted to go for some ice cream with her. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop when he was going to approach me again to tell me what his plans were. I didn't want to get into because I wasn't sure what stand to take. Apparently, she couldn't go, so instead of eating dinner, he went to be at 7pm. 

 

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I am so confused. Is he depressed or extremely manipulative or a combination of both? Regardless, I know he has a problem of some sort but....... it’s difficult to parent because I'm afraid of what he might do. I am going to seek help. I've already tried someone today but he wasn't available. On Friday, I did put a call into the guidance counselor but he wasn't available. Who should he see?

Thank you

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Dear Parent,

 

Whether or not you feel that he is serious or just wanting the attention from it, you need to get him help. And I do not mean, talking to a counselor at school when he might be available next. I mean inpatient care if possible.

This can be done through a family doctor, or the ER. After any threat or attempt, it is best to have the teen evaluated by medical professionals.

This does several things. It helps to "feel out" if it was a threat or real. If it was real, it will be the first step in getting him help, and in helping him to understand that there are better ways to deal with his emotions. Second, if he was using it as a tool to get what he wants, he will learn very quickly that threatening to harm himself will not get him what he thinks it will - and is not ok to do.

Next time you do ground him, I would suggest to prevent what happened over this instance, don’t just ground him to your house. Take the computer, the cell phones, and tell him he comes out of his room (a) to eat when you call him to eat, (b) to go to the bathroom (but no more than 10 minutes can be spent in the bathroom at a time), (c) for emergencies of course - but not self created ones.

While I don’t advise reading your teen's emails, I feel that in this case you had reason to do so. I am not sure if you ought to read each and every email though. You might want to sit down with his girlfriend’s parents, and address some of your concerns about the physical part of your son's and their daughter’s relationship. It may very well be that they are unaware of the extent of it.

Remind your son, that due to federal and state law, once his girlfriend turns 18, the relationship with her will have to stop. She will be considered an adult, and he is still a minor.

But most important, I wouldn’t wait more then 24-36 hours before he sees someone. Admit him if you have to.

Mark

 
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Passive versus Active Parenting

Hi Mark, Thanks for sharing and helping us parents who are frustrated and absolutely dumbfounded as to what to do with our little darlings. My question to you is how do parents who are divorced work together and stay consistent? My ex and I are equally worried and upset with our 17yr old boy. We however, have very different parenting styles. I'm more into boundaries and keeping the lines of communication open. My ex lets our son run the show. I cannot tell my ex what to do or how to handle situations because he doesn't like anyone doing this, especially his ex. He takes everything very personally.

I have raised my son for over 16 yrs. My son is now living with his dad. He needs to see if the grass is greener and in some ways it is through his eyes. Less structure, way more freedom, no chores, no sch. meals, girlfriend can sleepover, money magically appears in his bank acct., curfew not enforced. These are just a few examples that I cannot deal with. His father doesn't know how to parent, because historically his been the Disneyland parent and now he needs to be the real parent and he doesn't know where to begin. Can you give me some simple steps that will help us see eye to eye just a little? I do plan on offering your web page to him. Yes or No ...Thanks for your time and wisdom, D.

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Hi D.,

Yes …please do offer the website and eBook. Do your best to recruit your ex as a partner in problem solving in spite of the fact that he seems to be on the opposite page from you.

==> A weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a strong plan supported by only one parent. <==

Your situation is far from ideal. Your husband is apparently doing a lot of things that contribute to the problem rather than help resolve it. However, that system tends to break down in the long run. 

 

Here’s the pattern I see quite frequently with divorced parents:

1. Child does not like the structured environment with the ‘active parent’ (i.e., the one in which the parent issues and enforces house rules).
 

2. Child moves to the least restrictive environment with ‘passive parent’ (i.e., the one in which the parent has few rules/expectations).
 

3. Due to low supervision/monitoring, the child gets into significant trouble (e.g., at school, with the law, etc.) – or -- child and ‘passive parent’ get into a huge argument, thus ‘passive parent’ kicks child out of his/her home.
 

4. Child returns to the ‘active parent’s’ home.

Your husband is trying to be the “good guy” – but the “good guy” usually only maintains “good-guy-status” for the short-term due to the following: The more free hand-outs of stuff and freedom the ‘passive parent’ issues, the more the child expects and desires (enough is never enough!). 

 

This strong sense of entitlement on the part of the child tends to grate on the ‘passive parent’s’ nerves over time, resulting in some serious parent-child conflict.

In any event, remember that a weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a strong plan supported by only one parent.

Good luck,

Mark

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Why is Parental Involvement Important in Education?

 

Good education is a way to a successful future. You can agree or not with this statement, but it is the general thought of modern society. Special colleges and universities that graduate future billionaires are available to a small number of students and have no free places for common people. Big money, big intellect or special connections can open the road to these places.

The main problem for those who want to become a part of this system is that you need to start studying deeper and harder from the first years, but 6 or 7 years old children can’t plan so far. He can’t even schedule his future for a few weeks ahead. The only way for them to become successful is the involvement of parents in their education. However, it does not work for the best, because parents forget that they make their dreams come true, using their children. Let’s find out a shortlist of the pros and cons of the increased involvement for both sides.

Parental Involvement: Controlling Scenario

Here we discuss the situation when parents push a lot and control the education process a lot.

• Parents can try to raise an IT child, although he has inclinations to art. This dangerous way doesn’t lead to success in a good case and leads to hatred to studying in a bad case. Listening to a child's needs, trying different directions, discussions and guiding are the only way.
• Parents stop paying attention to their private life and spend too much money on the education of a child. Some parents devote their lives to their child's education and count on gratitude in the future. They leave jobs to bring him from one class or sports section to another during the whole working day, so they can’t focus on their plans and lives.
• As a result, the child can enter the university that parents planned easily. This is good news if the parents were right with their choice. Deep knowledge is great anyway and can be used when you are not expecting this, but it is much better when you are proud of what you want and what you do instead of ignoring it.

Parental Involvement: Balanced Scenario

At the same time, the lack of control is also bad for the majority of children. That’s why the balance is necessary and we believe that it will lead only to positive results. Let’s find them to assure everyone that parental involvement is not only important but extremely necessary.

• More control - less wasted time. Social networks and youtube videos are thieves of time for everyone, but adults can control themselves, unlike children who have more energy and want to be in trend most of all. To help them with scheduling their free time is an important task for every parent.
• Doing homework together creates deeper connections between parents and children. We don’t say that adults should do something instead of students, but discussions, explanations, and extra examples work great to everybody’s understanding in general. Checking tasks and paying extra attention to possible problems is very helpful.
• Discovering together the inclinations and hobbies help children to develop in the direction they like. Thanks to this, studying doesn't seem like studying anymore. Here we also mean sports and art, robotics and IT directions, geography and nature.
• Competitions and prizes increase self-esteem for everyone. Different olympiads even at school work perfectly for every person. You should create close goals and long goals to estimate your success. Children work harder when they see the end of it and the reward they will get.
• Controlling the social connections of the child. When you know what your child prefers you can predict his social connection and influence them. If you and your child are the chess lovers.   
• Support in activities that develop a child. If you see that your child likes guitar playing or asks Santha for a ball every year then you need to move this way. It doesn't mean that you need to leave all other activities and science. Children change their opinion so fast that you can hardly keep up with them. The role of adults in this situation is to identify and support the real interest of their baby.
• Following the tendencies in studying and checking that your school corresponds to them. Do you know that studying programs change every year? They look different compared to the programs when you were a student. Gadget influenced all spheres and education is not an exception. They run faster and don’t need to spend time on things like making copies of lecture notes or sitting for hours in libraries.
• Collect the feedback of the teachers and make corrections in studying and behavior according to them. If the teacher says that he sees the potential of the child in math but you don’t see it, try to listen to the teacher. They are more experienced and saw hundreds of students so their estimation is more professional. It doesn’t mean that you should follow their advice blindly, but think about it and discuss it with your child seriously.   

Parental Involvement: When things don’t go as planned

No matter which scenario you decide to follow, what really matters is that you do it with the final goal in mind. Your final goal is not to control your kid, but to help them. The process here may seem as more important than the result, but from the educational path standpoint, the result is still valuable. When the deadline is too close, address a reliable essay writing company, such as smartwritingservice.com. Here, you will find expert writers willing to help you and your child with assignments of any level of complexity. You can use those tasks as samples, to learn from the best and the brightest, and later navigate how your kid approaches the same assignment.

All these steps and attention to detail will help your child to understand his needs in life, build strong and deep relations with you and find friends with similar interests. Later your child can change the way you started together but he will do it with all respect and understanding clearly what he or she is doing. Unlike the situation of pushing and hating the direction of studying.

Dealing with Your Teenager While He's on Juvenile Probation

Hi J.,

>>>>>>>>>> Please look for my (Marks') comments within your email.

Mark,

It's been a while since I last e-mailed you. M______ has been to court. They dropped the DV charge but kept the incorrigible which is in his best interest if he decides to follow the rules since they can be dropped when he turns of age. He did get 6 mos of probation and must still meet with his counselor. It seems that things at home have been better since he has motivation over the use of a car. We made him sign a driving contract and when he messes up, we just pull it out and their is no argument (well he tries but it is fruitless). He has been checking in when he is supposed to also. Mind you, this is MOST of the time. He still "forgets" and has consequences. Husband has come around to a degree. What is working for us (again still some arguments over your program and we had to compromise somewhat but like you preach, 2 parents in agreement are better than 2 divided) is that Dad still blows up when something goes wrong, but we hold out on consequence until he is calm and rational. M______ is told that we will decide consequence when Dad and I have a chance to calmly discuss it. We also are saying something like "I may not totally agree with XYZ, but it is Dad's decision and I am supporting him on it." 

 

>>>>>>>>>> Good news so far. You are a great student!

 

Well, he met with his PO yesterday and just like I predicted, he went against the rules. He came home 20 minutes past his court ordered curfew and he left his 9 yr old brother home alone and went out and we did not know where (Dad and I were gone 2 hours to receive a community "Volunteer of the Year" award). He was told he could go pick up a friend (with his brother) and come back to our house. He left his brother at home and did not come home for 2 1/3 hrs. He did not bring back his friend. He did lose the use of the car. I'm OK with this consequence as it is in the contract about curfew, where he is, etc. He of course threw his tantrum, but again to no avail. 

 

>>>>>>>>>> You’re still on-track.

 

The biggest issue I am having is M______ not listening fully to the instructions. Then he will twist what was said or deny some of it. It becomes "He said/she said." I know that I have the power but do you have any tricks to having them FULLY listen to everything. 

 

>>>>>>>>>> Yes …keep instructions very SHORT and CONCRETE …let me say this again …short and concrete. Also, write it down on a post-it note and put it on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror. If your instructions are too long to write down, then they are too long for him to remember – shorten it up.

 

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He also rushes off the phone when told something. Once I wrote is down, but is this acceptable or am I trapping myself if I don't remember to include EVERYTHING? 

 

>>>>>>>>>> SHORT and CONCRETE 

 

The last issue we are having is when M______ losing driving privileges, and Mom and Dad refuse to drive him to school he is not going, or going late. The bus stop is 2 doors away and the girl next door drives and has taken him on several occasions so there is no excuse for missing. I am sure it is not "cool" when you're a junior to take the bus, but losing the use of the car is his decision. He is on credit review for several classes, and has been suspended for not serving the detentions he got from his unexcused tardies/absences (I made him go with me to a business meeting so he couldn't stay home and be rewarded. If it happens again, he will be volunteering somewhere for the day). He also is not doing ANY homework. I know you believe in natural consequences, but he is a gifted athelete and very possibly able to get a scholarship for wrestling. I hate to see him throw this away. He may get sent back to juve. it he continues. Have you any ideas how to get a kid motivated again? He used to get all A's and B's. I am trying to be creative, but have no ideas about this. 

 

>>>>>>>>>> NO! I do not have any suggestions to get him motivated again. I can’t make your son spit …I can’t make him stand on his head …I can’t motivate him - and neither will you. Motivation to perform well academically is an inside job (i.e., something that he – and only he – will be able to accomplish). When the student is ready, the teacher will appear – and not a moment earlier.

 

Thanks for your input.

J___

 

Addendum:

 

Mark,

Well, it's now 12:21am Saturday. M______ curfew (court ordered) is 9:00pm. He is not with the boy he left with. This boy says M______ "ditched" him and he doesn't know who he's with now. I'm sure he won't be home all night. How can someone who is so bright and talented not understand the long term ramifications of their actions? Why doesn't spending time in the juve. justice center (4 days) and being on probation scare him? What do we do now? 

 

>>>>>>> Fear-based motivation has no effect. Teens are invincible (in their minds). This is just another minor setback – not a major catastrophe. You should do what you always do – nothing more and nothing less:

1. State the rule.
2. State the consequence for violating the rule.
3. Follow through with the consequence (w/poker face) when the rule is broken.

Eventually, the child desires positive change – but on his time, not the parent’s.

 

Mark

 

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Is It Time to Pull Your Defiant Teenager Out of Mainstream School?

"Hi Mark: Having problems with my 15 year old son, B___. In the past twenty-four hours.... He returned to school yesterday after a TWO WEEK OUT-OF-SCHOOL SUSPENSION for calling one of his teachers an F----ing B----- and wadded up the office referral and threw it at her hitting her in the face. We had to meet with the Principal and he was told to tow the line or he would be sent to an alternative school. Three hours later...I get a call from school. He was in the ISS room, used HIS CELL PHONE to call the ISS monitor's phone to make it ring many times and disrupt everything. His phone was confiscated. This morning after he left for school, I was picking up things in his room. I found a receipt from the grocery store for the machine that swamps in coins for cash. He had helped himself to $80.00 worth of change I had in my closet and took it in to cash. Everyday it is something else... every day the only responses I get from him are F ___YOU! He is very angry since his Dad left in January. What do I do???"

When my adolescent clients get into regular teacher-student conflict [like your son], I always lobby for them to be withdrawn from regular school and moved to an alternative school setting. When I do, nearly all of them do very well in a different environment.

Most of us recognize the needs of very young children. We know that in the early grades, kids need small schools with a close and personal atmosphere. We understand that young children require nurturing to develop a sense of confidence in themselves.

Yet, for some reason, we seem to think that once students get to the middle grades—a time that encompasses all the confusion and turbulence of adolescence—they don't need as much personal support. This myth gets perpetuated in our high schools. Students who become alienated in junior high usually remain that way through high school, if they don't drop out altogether.

It is important for us to recognize that we are not talking about strange or weird kids who walk around schools in trench coats, threatening others. Most of the young people who don't seem to fit are very normal kids. They are not "other people's children." They are our kids—ones we see in church, at the mall, or across the street.

These are students who may withdraw when they are in a large group. They may not respond to the normal activities of a traditional school. They may not play sports. Some may have questions about their sexual identity. Some may be quite intelligent and interested in learning, but not in the way traditional schools expect.

 

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For years, many in education have operated under the flawed assumption that large schools are cost- effective. We have reasoned that, by placing a lot of students and teachers together, we could offer more programs and classes. In a large school, for example, we can offer Greek or advanced calculus and have enough students to expect to fill those classes.

Unfortunately, economies of scale do not only pay the dividends expected. The flaws in our system of large schools also have become obvious. Increasingly, we have felt the need to create many smaller structures or groupings within a large school to give students a chance to feel that they have "a place." These kinds of innovations take time, personnel, and money. And many of the students they attempt to serve simply are not "joiners" and may never become part of the sub-groupings.

Another hefty cost of large schools comes in the number of students who repeat a grade and require an extra year of schooling—along with other programs—if they remain in school and graduate. Consider the numbers: If you have a high school of 1,200 students (not unusual), and a graduating class of 300, it is probable that 30 to 50 of these students will have repeated a grade at some point in their school careers. This means that each year, the school system has, for all intents and purposes, served 30 to 50 more students than necessary.

For those students who do not make it through school and drop out prior to graduation, the cost is not usually borne by the school system, but by some other segment of the state's social programs. In either case, the money comes from the pocket of the taxpayers.

Some of these students, the luckier ones, get jobs and eventually obtain their General Educational Development diplomas. A small number then go on to post-secondary education and end up fulfilling a reasonable part of their potential. Others just "hang out" and go from one temporary job to another, often collecting whatever benefits come their way, whether from the state, their parents, or friends. Some become parents themselves. Others get into trouble and end up in group homes. A few eventually end up in a training school, at a cost that is several times that of traditional schools. The most seriously alienated of these children end up dead.

Just in terms of public spending, there is no sense in our not meeting the needs of these children at an earlier age. Unfortunately, it is not now in the short-term financial interest of towns or school systems to provide small alternative schools. But we could design incentives for our public schools to serve these children.

The incentives could take the form of start-up grants from the state or the federal government. Most districts, given the choice to make adjustments for fewer students in other schools, would find that they could afford these alternatives. But without outside help, few if any districts are likely to set aside scarce funds to serve a group of students who may be falling behind and leaving school very quietly. Other incentives might take a harder line, requiring, for example, that school districts pay for a portion of the social services students who end up in state care need.

 

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The missing piece in our system of public education is the lack of options for students who need something different. Interestingly enough, it is in our urban areas that we find the greatest availability of alternatives to large traditional schools. But there are still not enough of these schools in cities, and virtually none in suburban districts, where the need for them is just as great.

By their very nature, alternative schools are generally small schools, often with fewer than 200 students. They tend to be staffed by teachers with a desire to work in nontraditional settings. When you walk into an alternative school, you generally get a sense of community and personal caring. Different alternatives can have different missions, and they can operate in substantially different ways. The goal is not sameness; it is to reflect the needs and personalities of the students.

An expanding body of research in recent years has been telling us something about these schools that seems like common sense: Small schools are places where students get more attention, perform better, and are happier. In her synthesis of this research, Mary Anne Raywid notes that small learning communities often employ unconventional organizational structures that help promote the sense of belonging. The bonds that are created in small schools, she says, are likely to have a positive influence on students long after they leave high school.

What makes these schools so valuable in violence reduction is the fact that a child will find it hard to go through even a portion of the day without some meaningful contact with an adult. Says Cathleen Cotton, a researcher at the Northeast Regional Educational Laboratory: "It doesn't matter what category you measure. Things are better in smaller environments. Shy kids, poor kids, the average athletes—they are all made to feel like they truly fit in."

Small alternative schools are not, of course, the complete solution to the problems of alienated young people and violence in the schools. But they can be an important part of the solution.

Charter school legislation should spur the creation of these small alternative public schools. Districts can devise plans on their own or through any of the existing collaboratives. But educators should not underestimate the public's desire for more choice. They should recognize the possibility that, by not meeting this need, they could strengthen the call for vouchers.

For the students and parents who want an alternative to the often impersonal world of large, comprehensive public secondary schools, it won't matter how we get there, only that we do.

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