Violence On The Rise Among Children?

Mark,

I'm a member of your program. As a middle school teacher (NY), it appears to me that children are becoming more and more violent over time. This greatly concerns me as well as the other teachers in my district. In your work, do you find that childhood violence is on the rise? If so, what can teachers do in the schools to intervene? Is there any research on any of this?

Thanks in advance,

T.J.

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Hi T.,

There is a great concern about the incidence of violent behavior among kids and teens. This complex and troubling issue needs to be carefully understood by moms & dads, teachers, and other adults.

Kids as young as preschoolers can show violent behavior. Moms & dads and other adults who witness the behavior may be concerned, however, they often hope that the young youngster will "grow out of it." Violent behavior in a youngster at any age always needs to be taken seriously. It should not be quickly dismissed as "just a phase they're going through!"

Violent behavior in kids and teens can include a wide range of behaviors:

· cruelty toward animal

· explosive temper tantrum

· fighting

· fire setting

· intentional destruction of property and vandalism

· physical aggression

· threats or attempts to hurt others (including homicidal thoughts)

· use of weapon

Numerous research studies have concluded that a complex interaction or combination of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in kids and teens. These factors include:

·Being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse

·Brain damage from head injury

·Combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)

·Exposure to violence in media (TV, movies, etc.)

·Exposure to violence in the home and/or community

·Genetic (family heredity) factors

·Presence of firearms in home

·Previous aggressive or violent behavior

·Use of drugs and/or alcohol

Kids who have several risk factors and show the following behaviors should be carefully evaluated:

·Becoming easily frustrated

·Extreme impulsiveness

·Extreme irritability

·Frequent loss of temper or blow-ups

·Intense anger

Moms & dads and teachers should be careful not to minimize these behaviors in kids. Whenever a parent or other adult is concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help.

The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the youngster to:

· learn how to control his/her anger

· express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways

· be responsible for his/her actions

· accept consequences

In addition, family conflicts, school problems, and community issues must be addressed.

Research studies have shown that much violent behavior can be decreased or even prevented if the above risk factors are significantly reduced or eliminated. Most importantly, efforts should be directed at dramatically decreasing the exposure of kids and teens to violence in the home, community, and through the media. Clearly, violence leads to violence.

In addition, the following strategies can lessen or prevent violent behavior:

·Early intervention programs for violent youngsters

·Monitoring youngster's viewing of violence on TV/videos/movies

·Prevention of youngster abuse (use of programs such as parent training, family support programs, etc.)

·Sex education and parenting programs for teens

Mark

Online Parent Support

Game Addiction

Mark,

Read your book -- loved it and it helped. My son J__, an extremely intelligent, confident, socially comfortable 16-year-old, is addicted to the computer game World of Warcraft (wow for short). Like other addicts (ex. alcoholics), is it necessary for him to "want" to change in order for us to get wow out of his life? Computers are necessary for his school research and submittal of assignments, so even if he is "detoxing" he'll need to use one. He has access to computers at school, friend's houses & internet cafes.

Background info:

1. Parents divorced when he was 8, lives with mother but visits father (who he doesn't like)

2. He's resistant to authority and doesn't feel the need to try to please anyone, but also doesn't act out by doing drugs/drinking/deviant behavior

3. He says he loves the game so much because it's challenging and he's so good at it. All his friends play.

4. He has played for hours on end, staying up all night on weekends, neglecting schoolwork to play. I used your program to set up a consequence program and it helped, except that he is totally willing to risk consequences to play this game, so we are in a negative cycle, which is why I am asking about the possibility of addiction and the need to approach this differently.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

K.

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Hi K.,

Here’s the definition of addiction in general:

1. An individual needs more and more of a substance or behavior to keep him/her going.

2. If the individual does not get more of the substance or behavior, he/she becomes irritable and miserable.

Compulsive gaming meets these criteria, and game addicts can indeed experience severe withdrawal symptoms (e.g., anger, violence, depression).

Research suggests gambling elevates dopamine. But there’s more to addiction than brain chemistry. Even with drugs or alcohol, it’s not just physical – there’s a psychological component to the addiction, knowing “I can escape or feel good about my life.”

The addict is trying to change the way he feels by taking something outside himself. The alcoholic learns, “I don’t like the way I feel, so I’ll I take a couple shots of whiskey.” For gamers, it’s the fantasy world that makes them feel better.

The lure of a fantasy world is especially pertinent to online role-playing games. These are games in which a player assumes the role of a fictional character and interacts with other players in a virtual world. An intelligent child who is unpopular at school can become dominant in the game. The virtual life becomes more appealing than real life.

Too much gaming may seem relatively harmless compared with the dangers of a drug overdose, but video game addiction can ruin lives. Children who play four to five hours per day have no time for socializing, doing homework, or playing sports. That takes away from normal social development. You can get a 21-year-old with the emotional intelligence of a 12-year-old. He’s never learned to talk to girls. He’s never learned to play a sport.

Spending a lot of time gaming doesn’t necessarily qualify as an addiction. 80% of the world can play games safely. The question is: Can you always control your gaming activity?

According to the Center for On-Line Addiction, warning signs for video game addiction include:

· Feeling irritable when trying to cut down on gaming

· Gaming to escape from real-life problems, anxiety, or depression

· Lying to friends and family to conceal gaming

· Playing for increasing amounts of time

· Thinking about gaming during other activities

In addition, video game addicts tend to become isolated, dropping out of their social networks and giving up other hobbies. It’s about somebody who has completely withdrawn from other activities. One mother called me when her son dropped out of baseball. He used to love baseball, so that’s when she knew there was a problem.

The overwhelming majority of video game addicts are males under 30. It’s usually children with poor self-esteem and social problems. They’re intelligent and imaginative but don’t have many friends at school. A family history of addiction may also be a factor.

If you’re concerned your child may be addicted to video games don’t dismiss it as a phase. Keep good documents of the child’s gaming behavior, including:

· How the child reacts to time limits

· Logs of when the child plays and for how long

· Problems resulting from gaming

You need to document the severity of the problem. Don’t delay seeking professional help; if there is a problem, it will probably only get worse.

Treatment for video game addiction is similar to detox for other addictions, with one important difference. Computers have become an important part of everyday life, as well as many jobs, so compulsive gamers can’t just look the other way when they see a PC.

It’s like a food addiction. You have to learn to live with food.

Because video game addicts can’t avoid computers, they have to learn to use them responsibly. That means no gaming. As for limiting game time to an hour a day, I compare that to an alcoholic saying he’s “only going to drink beer.”

The toughest part of treating video game addicts is that it’s a little bit more difficult to show somebody they’re in trouble. Nobody’s ever been put in jail for being under the influence of a game.

The key is to show gamers they are powerless over their addiction, and then teach them real-life excitement as opposed to online excitement.

To make the games less seductive, find ways to minimize your child's downtime at home, especially those times when he is alone. Maybe your child would be interested in arts and crafts, theater, or movie-making. Maybe a social-skills group would be a good idea. Maybe he could join a youth group at your church or synagogue.

If he has trouble with a particular sport because of poor motor skills, or has difficulty understanding the rules or strategies, look for another sport that might be more accommodating - for example, martial arts, bowling, or swimming. Help your child find some activity that he likes and a place where he can do it.

Give warning times: "You have 15 more minutes... You now have 10 minutes... There are only five minutes left." A timer that is visible to the child can be helpful. When the buzzer rings, say, "I know you need to reach a point where you can save the game. If you need a few more minutes, I will wait here and let you have them."

If he continues to play despite your step-by-step warnings, do not shout or grab the game or disconnect the power. Calmly remind him of the rules, then announce that for each minute he continues to play, one minute will be subtracted from the time allowed the next day (or days). Once you get the game back, lock it up. When he finally regains the privilege to play, say, "Would you like to try again to follow the family rules?"

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Cell Phone Problems

Hi Mark,

K's behaviour towards me has significantly improved since he lost his phone twice in one week (for 48 hrs each time).

However, last night he was rude. When I told him to hand over his phone, he refused and said I'd have to physically wrestle him to get it (that would end badly, I knew).

Instead of getting physical, I said until he gives me his phone for 48hrs, I would not be driving him anywhere. He is holding out still, but it has only been one day (he threatened to get his father to drive him, but interesting didn't pursue it, and instead missed cricket training).

My question is: should I continue with this position, or should I snatch it from him when I have the chance, and hide it? (He would probably rampage, but if that's what has to happen, I can live with it).

I would be grateful for your perspective.

V.

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Hi V.,

First of all, “he was rude” is very vague. What did he actually say or do?

Second, what is he doing to “earn” cell phone privileges?

Whenever a child introduces a new problem on top of an existing one, parents should put the new problem in the “deal-with-it-later” file (*please see Q & A - On Discipline in the chapter of the eBook entitled “The Art of Saying No” – Session #2 – online version).

Re: …he refused and said I'd have to physically wrestle him to get it…

In this case, he is grounded, but the clock does not start until he hands you the cell (*please see Instructional Videos #16 and #17).

Mark

Online Parent Support

She got a little award at assembly the other day for "improved behavior in the classroom"...

Hi Mark,

Hope things are fine with you.

I thought I'd give you a bit of an up date from down under. Over the past month we have had two meetings with A___'s school principle, the school counsellor and her teacher, and things have been fairly positive from a school point of view. The principle is a great guy and was very keen to know what we were dealing with at home as the problems at school are less intense. He asked me to email him the basic management principles of your e-book and said the school would do as much as they could to keep Anna on track. I now get a weekly report on her progress from her class teacher and they are now working out the classes for next year with a view to giving her the best teacher and appropriate classmates to minimise disputes. She got a little award at assembly the other day for "improved behavior in the classroom" so that was good.

We are so grateful for the chance your program has given us and I feel so fortunate for having discovered you online!! We are still dealing with bad behavior at home but it is, as you forecast, a little less stressful and frequent.

Thanks Mark,

L.

Online Parent Support

Adolescence and Narcissistic Disorder—

One of the less common adolescent personality disorders, but one that is nevertheless growing, is narcissistic personality disorder. This is the only learned personality disorder, and usually begins in the adolescent years. Teenagers with low self-esteems begin to develop fantasies and grandiose views of themselves when they have narcissistic personality disorders. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, about one percent of the population (and one percent of teenagers) suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Most narcissists (between an estimated 50 and 75 percent) are male.

The history of narcissistic personality disorder:

The name for narcissistic personality disorder comes from Greek mythology. In the tale, a young man, Narcissus, spurned those who sought his love. He was very good-looking, and quite full of himself. In fact, he was so good-looking that he thought himself as beautiful as the gods. No woman or man could please him. Then, one day, he fell in love with the reflection of himself in a pond. He stared at the reflection, reveling in its beauty, until he wasted away. Other stories end with him falling into the pond and drowning as he moves closer to get a better look. Like Narcissus, adolescents with narcissistic personality disorder have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and rarely consider others' feelings, preferring to seek the attention that confirms their own grandiose ideas.

Difference between adolescent narcissism and adolescent narcissistic personality disorder:

A certain degree of selfishness, self-importance and narcissism is to be expected during the teenager years. Indeed, when one has a personality style considered narcissistic, he or she is usually a general healthy person in a psychological regard. However, such people, although arrogant and proud at times, do not rely on others to help them maintain a healthy self-esteem, and they do not cherish unrealistic images of their skills and abilities.

On the other hand, adolescent narcissistic personality disorder takes a different form. Teenagers with this personality disorder are unable to establish a stable self-image that includes an accurate assessment of skills. They feel entitled to special treatment, and when they receive perceived slights to their grandiose perception of their own skills and importance, they may become angry and sometimes violent.

Some signs of pathological narcissism - adolescent narcissistic personality disorder:

· Arrogant and haughty behavior
· Belief that others envy the person
· Does not consider others' feelings
· Expectations of special treatment
· Exploits other people
· Fantasies about having exceptional success, attractiveness or power
· Need for constant praise and validation
· Over-emphasis on achievements and exaggeration of one's skills

Developmental factors that contribute to adolescent narcissistic personality disorder:

· Excessive admiration that does not receive a balance of realistic feedback
· Learned manipulative behaviors from other sources
· Overindulgence from parents
· Oversensitive temperament from birth
· Parents over-praise and value as a way to increase their own self-esteem
· Severe childhood emotional abuse
· Unreliable or unpredictable care giving from parents

Treating adolescent narcissistic personality disorder:

It is very difficult to treat teenager narcissistic personality disorder because an adolescent is usually already in such a fragile mental state. Often, treatment is met with contempt, as the teenager perceives the therapist-client relationship as one that does not properly affirm the adolescent's perception of self. The goal is teach the teenager to value him or herself on a more realistic level and to adjust one's thinking about others' value in relation to his or her own. Exercises to help the adolescent develop empathy for others are part of the treatment of this personality disorder. Medication is usually not used, except sparingly in cases where depression and anxiety come out as symptoms while the adolescent struggles to cope with a new reality.

Online Parent Support

It is fantastic!

Hi,

My husband and I have been going through your program together. We are about half way thru' and are truly impressed with the results. It is fantastic!

S.

Online Parent Support

We've both cried the past couple of hours at how destructive our "parenting" has been...

Dear Mark,

My wife and I are finishing Lesson #1. My God!!! We've been the worst kind of indulgent parents, thinking all the time that we were doing the good thing for our son. Quite frankly, we've both cried the past couple of hours at how destructive our "parenting" has been. Just the opposite of what we wanted. Your program is 100% on the money in terms of describing the issues. Glad we found your site, and hope it's not too late.

As some additional background, up until 2 1/2 years ago, I was heavily engaged with my son. We played paintball, R__ raced BMX for 6 years, has won 5 national championships and we spent 2-3 days a week at the track and traveling out of town to races, fishing, camping. 2 1/2 years ago, because of financial issues, I took a job with an emergency management agency that has me traveling across the U.S. for 6-7 months at a time with only a week or two in between. I feel so bad! I see now that in spite of my good intentions, I essentially abandoned my boy, hence his hooking up with this "friend" of his. His attitude is sullen, he's unhappy, angry, dresses like a skin head, and is lying to us, chippying with marijuana (we've had him drug tested). In spite of our apprehension, my wife and I are anxious to get our son back. Below is a set of expectations we've come up with. Are we on the right track?

Thanks,

B. & A.


ISSUES FOR R__


EXPECTATIONS

Chores:

1. Hang up towels after taking a shower.
2. Pick up dirty clothes and put them in hamper.
3. Keep your bathroom neat.
4. Keep your room picked up. Clean and vacuum your room once a week.
5. Take out trash, including emptying your bathroom wastebasket.
6. Keep truck clean. Clean inside and out once a week.
7. Help with dinner cleanup as requested.
8. After a meal, pick-up/scrape dishes and put in sink.

Allowance: For consistently doing chores, you will earn $15.00 a week. To earn additional money, ask us for things you can do around the house. (Wash windows, wash the van, etc.)

Behavior:

1. That you will not drink alcohol.
2. That you will not do drugs.
3. That you will not steal, or be with people who do steal.
4. That you will be honest and “do what’s right” even if no one is watching. Think independently. Say “no” to friends who want to involve you in illegal behavior.
5. That you will be respectful of your mother and me and other adults.
6. That you will be home at the designated time and will abide by set curfew.
7. That you will complete school and homework as required.
8. Self respect for your health, appearance, physical well being.

Consequences:

Violation of the above house rules will result in “consequences”. These consequences will include:

1. Loss of phone privileges.
2. Loss of driving privileges.
3. Loss of television privileges.
4. Loss of video game privileges.
5. Loss of freedom (grounding). Earn freedom by accepting discipline, reasonable expectations, and a positive attitude.

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Hi B.,

Re: Are we on the right track?

I think this is largely on track. Some things fall into the "gray area," which simply means there are multiple ways to do it right.

My biggest concern with what I hear from you so far is that you may be moving to fast. I've said it before, but let me repeat: Only implement session #1 assignments in week one ...session #2 assignments in week two ...and so on.

Slow down a bit. Working too hard to make up for lost time may result in more lost time.

Mark

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Thank you Mark.

You're right, we were so anxious for change we jumped the gun. Will "back off" a bit and take it a week at a time. Surprisingly, we had a good conversation with him last night. And, while normally towels and clothes are consistently left on the bathroom and bedroom floor, he picked up and straightened his bathroom and bedroom. We gave him lots of praise and as you mentioned, he seems a bit confused. Can't decide if he wants to be angry or accepting. Will continue to work the program. Thanks again for the hope.

B. & A.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I want to believe this was the turning point but have been crushed too many times and don't know the right answer...

Mark,

It only took 6 weeks of being off probation and now M is in deep trouble. He did start school on time and was going (did miss one day). He is cont to stay out most weekends and we have no clue who with, where, or doing what. He did buy his own pay as you go phone (will not share the number with us).

Friday he was gone when we got home (as usual). We had a fundraiser to attend and didn't get home until past midnight. He was still gone, but had to work the next morning so we figured he had a ride. I get a call from him @ 4am from the local police station. He is being charged with "home invasion 3rd degree" and going to the county jail. Of course he only admits to taking a bike from a garage (confirmed that it was garages only and not entering houses) but told wrong is wrong. Lately garages have been entered and things taken from cars--GPS, Laptops, I-pods etc. Not sure if he is involved with this or not.

Because he is 17 and considered an adult in MI we are totally in the dark. He was arraigned and had prelim hearing without us being notified. Bail is $5000, and we are not planning on getting him out unless we can't stand it. His next hearing is Monday. He is calling us constantly to bail him out--he is changed, etc. Husband is starting to cave, g'ma thinks I'm a callous heartless Mother. Other friends/colleagues think we should let him be. It is becoming extremely difficult to hold firm with this. Husband also saying he may go post bond with or without my consent/approval since he is the major wage earner. We kept telling M he would be responsible for any other problems since he was considered an adult, and he kept saying he was 17, didn't have any rules and could do whatever he wanted. School counselor says he can make up any missed work, but would be very difficult to accomplish and his opinion is to post bond. We would at least like to see the police report and be able to talk to his court appointed atty, if possible to help us better determine his involvement (impossible at this point due to his age).

Visiting isn't until Sunday (we opted to not go this past Sunday when he really only wanted us to go in order to bring his girlfriend) His latest phone call was to use his life savings (about $500) and call a bail bondsman. He also says he has information for the police that he needs to share with them before XYZ kid gets out of jail. All of this is starting to wear me down.

Mark, what is the best thing? I do want him to go to school now and not miss any more (he got 5 A's and 1 B last semester). I don't want more upheaval in my home--is it likely to get worse if we continue to refuse? How would you feel about this latest offer? Is 4-5 days in jail (for now) enough? He may get additional jail time depending if the charges are dealt down, and what his sentence would be and all that would be out of our control anyways. Is he ready for change or is this just because it's too uncomfortable? He has been in the youth home 4 times--2 domestic violence (1 day then 3 days) then 2 probation violations (24 days and 3 days) and NEVER called us and now is calling constantly begging us to help him out.

I want to believe this was the turning point but have been crushed too many times and don't know the right answer. Please help.

He still has no privileges--no car, no license, no job (lost this due to being held in jail and missing work), pay as you go phone, no laundry services, etc. Does have a laptop and i-pod (gifts) and don't want him ruining my computer. We don't drive him (Dad will drive him but to/from work only).

Again, thanks

J

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Hi J.,

Re: Mark, what is the best thing?

I think you may already know what I'm going to say here. To bail him out is to return to over-indulgent parenting, which will have a negative consequence associated with it -- for both you and your husband.

Re: I don't want more upheaval in my home--is it likely to get worse if we continue to refuse?

To refuse to bail? In the short run, possibly. But in the long run, no. He will get a much better life-lesson sitting behind bars than he will sitting at a desk.

Re: How would you feel about this latest offer? Is 4-5 days in jail (for now) enough?

Maybe.

Re: Is he ready for change or is this just because it's too uncomfortable?

He's sincere while his in jail. But without some serious discomfort, his sincerity will be short lived.

If it only took 6 weeks for him to forget about being on probation, how long do you think it will be before he forgets he was incarcerated (in the event that you bail him out)?

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I was on the verge of asking my 16 year old young lady to leave and find a new place to live...

Hello Mark,

Thank you for your contact. This morning I was on the verge of asking my 16 year old young lady to leave and find a new place to live.

After watching and reading the first part of your advice I feel MUCH stronger.

I don't want to lose my daughter, I want her back fighting for MY team not the team of rudeness and emotional emptiness she seems to be in.

Thank you!!

I.

Online Parent Support

16 year-old son is hangin' with the wrong crowd...

Mark,

Just joined today. Your program is very perceptive. Unfortunately, my wife and I see ourselves in these descriptions of over indulgence. Current problem is with our 16 year old son hanging with the wrong crowd. Suggestions on how to break him out? Thanks for any help.

B.

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Hi B.,

Everyone needs to belong — to feel connected with others and be with others who share attitudes, interests, and circumstances that resemble their own. People choose friends who accept and like them and see them in a favorable light.

Teenagers want to be with people their own age — their peers. During adolescence, teenagers spend more time with their peers and without parental supervision. With peers, teenagers can be both connected and independent, as they break away from their moms and dads' images of them and develop identities of their own.

While many families help teenagers in feeling proud and confident of their unique traits, backgrounds, and abilities, peers are often more accepting of the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with the teen's search for self-identity.

JOIN Online Parent Support

The influence of peers — whether positive or negative — is of critical importance in your son's life. Whether you like it or not, the opinions of your son's peers often carry more weight than yours.

The ability to develop healthy friendships and peer relationships depends on a teen's self-identity, self-esteem, and self-reliance.

At its best, peer pressure can mobilize your son's energy, motivate for success, and encourage your son to conform to healthy behavior. Peers can and do act as positive role models. Peers can and do demonstrate appropriate social behaviors. Peers often listen to, accept, and understand the frustrations, challenges, and concerns associated with being a teenager.

The need for acceptance, approval, and belonging is vital during the teen years. Teenagers who feel isolated or rejected by their peers — or in their family — are more likely to engage in risky behaviors in order to fit in with a group. In such situations, peer pressure can impair good judgment and fuel risk-taking behavior, drawing a teen away from the family and positive influences and luring into dangerous activities.

For example, teenagers with ADHD, learning differences or disabilities are often rejected due to their age-inappropriate behavior, and thus are more likely to associate with other rejected and/or delinquent peers. Some experts believe that teenage girls frequently enter into sexual relationships when what they are seeking is acceptance, approval, and love.

A powerful negative peer influence can motivate a teen to make choices and engage in behavior that his or her values might otherwise reject. Some teenagers will risk being grounded, losing their moms and dads' trust, or even facing jail time, just to try and fit in or feel like they have a group of friends they can identify with and who accept them. Sometimes, teenagers will change the way they dress, their friends, give up their values or create new ones, depending on the people they hang around with.

Some teenagers harbor secret lives governed by the influence of their peers. Some — including those who appear to be well-behaved, high-achieving teenagers when they are with adults — engage in negative, even dangerous behavior when with their peers.

Once influenced, teenagers may continue the slide into problems with the law, substance abuse, school problems, authority defiance, gang involvement, etc.

If your son associates with people who are using drugs or displaying self-destructive behaviors, then he is probably doing the same.

It is important to encourage friendships among teenagers. We all want our children to be with persons who will have a positive influence, and stay away from persons who will encourage or engage in harmful, destructive, immoral, or illegal activities.

Moms and dads can support positive peer relationships by giving their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves.

Specifically, moms and dads can show support by:

• Being genuinely interested in your son's activities. This allows moms and dads to know their teen's friends and to monitor behavior, which is crucial in keeping teenagers out of trouble. When misbehavior does occur, moms and dads who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Moms and dads who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children's abilities to live up to those expectations grow.
• Encouraging independent thought and expression. In this way, teenagers can develop a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.
• Having a positive relationship with your son. When parent-teen interactions are characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love, the relationship will flourish, as will the teen's self-esteem, mental health, spirituality, and social skills.

You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friends or peer group. This may be because of their image, negative attitudes, or serious behaviors (such as alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors).

Here are some suggestions:

• Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.
• Do not attack your child's friends. Remember that criticizing your son's choice of friends is like a personal attack.
• Encourage reflective thinking by helping your son think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
• Encourage your son's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
• Get to know the friends of your son. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their moms and dads.
• Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he is).
• If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices -- not the friends.
• Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.
• Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
• Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your son faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

And you must ensure that your son knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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What direction do I go in?

Hi Mark

We went for counselling tonight and it was a mess.

The counsellor asked how we were doing and C___ said he was fine. Then he asked me why I was so quiet. I said that C___ doesn't really want me to really talk. The counsellor said that there was a wall up between us. I said that I was upset that he stole the car and that there was a trust issue. That was what set off C___. He said that I brought up to him on the phone the other night when I asked him how he was doing with his issue with drugs and was what the counsellor was helping with working for him. He said that it was very hard and I said maybe he should be around the kids that do not use and that would make it easier and he got mad. Tonight he told the counsellor that that made him upset, that I make him upset and the counsellor told him that nobody can make you upset if you don't let them that is your feelings. He used the example of the alcoholic that drinks and says to his wife I drink because you bug me about drinking. Then he got mad at the counsellor and said he didn't want to be here. (He had been calling for a week asking when that appointment was.) C___ asked my husband a question about why he had to leave our house and my husband was trying to explain and C___ cut him off. The counsellor said to C___ you asked your Dad a question but you don't want to hear the answer you cut him off. C___ said that is the way I talks that he asks a question that is how he is. I explained or tried to explain that every action has a reaction and that his behaviour is something I could not tolerate in our home. He told the counsellor that when I see him that he is myr son and she doesn't even give him a hug. C___ started to cry and asked my husband to drive him home. All the way home C___ cried. He told my husband that I keep bringing up all the stuff that went on in the last few months. He said that he didn't want to talk to us and not to call or anything. He said that when he was living here that I was always on his case, I was getting calls from the school that he wasn't showing up for class, he was hanging out at a friends place all day, he wouldn't go to tutoring and I would have to pay for the missed session. I basically was to keep my mouth shut and let him do what he wanted to do that he was running the show. He wasn't going to his co-op job placement for school, no homework was being done, he was lipping off to me. He also brought up that I went and talked to his friends parents about what was going on, ie. that their kids were in my house when I was on vacation, that is break and enter, and that they were in the car and if the police had to do a check on the vehicle and find it, those kids would have been charged and had a criminal record, but the police would not lay charges because the car came right back.

I stayed for the rest of the counselling session the counsellor said that I am looking at C___ and seeing the same things I saw in my dad. My dad was a violent alcoholic and I have to get past this and see C___ as C___.

When I left the session, I went over to C___'s and he was still crying. He told me that he was upset that I didn't come over to the house that he was staying at and ask him to come home. He doesn't like living in the townhouse with these other kids. He didn't like living at his friend's home with the mother that got him out of detox and the same mother that signed the lease for the townhouse. Now he says that he is stuck there for a year until the lease is up. I was suppose to coming running after him and after he did all these bad things to us and ask him to come home. He also said he was upset that I had taken all of his things away, cell phone, computer etc. just before he left, hey I was following the program. It seems that every time a counsellor disagrees with him and points something out he get mad and quits. The counsellor said that he wants my love not my criticism. I think C___ has a problem with authority.

One day last month I went to the coffee shop and came out and my car had a big scratch on it. That night C___ came over to the house to say hi and then out of the blue said, you have to admit Mom that when ever I used your car I always took good care of it, did I, did I. Wow, I wondered if he know or if he scratched the car. Later that week, I came home and there was this tshirt with a big knot in the middle of it I thought this is weird, I opened the tshirt up and there was pieces of glass tied up in this tshirt. My neighbour said that she just saw a car with teenagers back out of my drive way but didn't see who was in it. This all happened before C___ went on a bender and showed up at our door in the middle of the night crying to get him help.

Since I emailed you, I have been using the 30 second rule saying hi, love you etc. and quickly leaving. I dropped a few things off apples, melon, carrots and he said to me on Saturday, thank you so much, I appreciate it and it was nice seeing you, what time is counselling.

Now today after the session what direction do I go in?

Any insight in to this kid from what you have seen?


A.

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A.,

"Counseling" is just another traditional parenting strategy that tends to make a bad problem worse (and you're hearing this from a counselor).

I would say that YOU received a natural consequence for making the choice to involve your son in counseling.

Counseling does not work for a strong-willed teen because he thinks that the parent is blaming HIM for all the family's problems (e.g., "My mom thinks there is something 'wrong' with me ...she's trying to 'fix' me...").

Re: Now today after the session what direction do I go in?

First, I'd question whether or not I was wasting money on counseling. If you son feels like he needs "talk therapy", I'm sure he'll tell you so.

Second, continue doing what you've been doing with one important caveat: Every time you see your son, make it a habit to say things that boost his confidence (e.g., "You're more than capable of making it on your own ...you've got what it takes to be a productive adult in society ...I've got confidence in you ...I love you son..."). Find a thousand different ways to say the above over the next several months - and even years. Eventually he will come to believe your words of encouragement.

Third, don't fall for the guilt trips. A soon as you begin to "feel sorry" for your son, you run the risk of returning to over-indulgent parenting (and I don't think you're one to move backward rather than forward).

Mark

Online Parent Support

School Refusal vs. Truancy

My daughter has mental health issues and not only does the school staff want to send her home. She will be so depressed and will not get out of her bed. I have had several consequences for her these are not doing any good. What would you suggest?

Thank you,

L.

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Hi L.,

First, let’s make a distinction between truancy and school refusal-

School refusal:

· The kid is unreasonably scared of going to school.
· The kid might pretend to be sick or say he or she doesn't want to go to school.
· The kid usually wants to stay home because he or she feels safe there.

Truancy:

· The kid chooses not to go to school.
· The kid skips school and doesn't tell his or her parents.
· The kid may have antisocial behaviors such as delinquency, lying, and stealing.

Kids with school refusal are scared to go to school. They may be so scared that they won't leave the house. School refusal is most common in 5- and 6-year-olds and in 10- and 11-year-olds, but it can start at any age.

The problem might start after a kid has been home for a while, such as after a holiday, summer vacation, or brief illness. It also might happen after a stressful event, such as moving to a new house or the death of a pet or relative.

Kids who won't go to school often say they feel sick. They might wake up and say they have a headache, stomachache, or sore throat. If they stay home from school, the "illness" might go away, but it comes back the next morning before school. Some kids may have crying spells or temper tantrums.

Kids with school refusal may worry about the safety of their parents or themselves. They may not want to be in a room by themselves, and they may be scared of the dark. They also may have trouble falling asleep by themselves and might have nightmares.

Kids who are truant (or "playing hooky") are not scared to go to school the way kids with school refusal are.

Take your kid to the doctor. Anxiety or a physical illness might be causing the problem. You also should talk to your kid's teacher or school counselor. Your kid's doctor will be able to rule out any illness that may be causing the problem.

Unreasonable fears about leaving home can be treated. Parents must keep trying to get their kid to go back to school. Your kid's doctor may want your kid to talk to a psychologist, social worker, or kid psychiatrist. The doctor also might prescribe medicine to help with your kid's anxiety.

The longer your kid stays out of school, the harder it will be to return. The goal of treatment is to help your kid learn ways to reduce anxiety and return to school.

Kids who do not go to school for long periods may develop serious learning setbacks or social problems. Kids who do not get professional help might have emotional problems such as anxiety when they get older. Early treatment of this problem is important for your kid's well-being.

Mark

Online Parent Support

16-year-old son using marijuana and RX drugs...

Hi L.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

My husband and I are very happy with your services. We really need some advice for a situation.

Our 16- year-old son A___ this past spring got into some drug usage-Marijuana, RX drugs, etc. We were floored. We have a close and caring family. I'm sure you've heard this before.

It went on for 6-7 months off and on, consequences were given and communication greatly increased, but he would eventually take his earned back freedom to fall back.

Fortunately, we have caught him quickly after each fall-back.

Lying is off the charts- in our face, doe-eyes, innocent, assuring lies.

We're getting much more intuitive and smart about it.

Last night we allowed him to have a friend over. He brought a bong in a backpack. Suspicious behavior led us to discover that he had the bong. We questioned our son privately. He insisted (doe-eyed and sincerely) that he knew nothing about it. We went around and around. No, he said, he was telling the truth! He knew nothing about it! My husband caringly asked the kid about it, and he admitted in front of Aaron that yes, our son knew about it and they were planning on arranging to try to get drugs to our house to probably smoke outside.

Every time we give him an inch, he proves deviant in his behavior, and somehow he breaks the rules we lay out for him. Yet he really tries hard to change during the in between times. He stays sincere for a time, and really tries hard to be honest and work hard.

Last week we let him go to a movie with a friend. We told him to stay in the movie theatre or outside on the sidewalk the whole time until we picked him up.

When we dropped him off, my husband felt something was up. Turns out we steathily watched him from our car and tracked him. At one point we lost him, and it was at that point he had skipped down to the Taco Cabana with his friends. i called him during this mystery period, and he assured me he was in the bathroom at the theatre.

He was at Taco Cabana. So sure enough, we watched him come back up from T.C. and confronted him. He had to leave with us. He cried, showed remorse, etc. We grounded him for this weekend, but he earned it back thru chores. But alas, this weekend (the previous story).

So we're exhausted.

He was extensively psych tested very recently. Obviously ADHD is high on the list. But everything else showed he was pretty mentally healthy.

One of my questions is based on an observation the psychologist made. He said, and I totally agree with him, that Aaron has an extremely narrow focus, and that he doesn't see the warning signs or take in enough information to make decisions. I'm sure this is true of many teens, but for heaven's sake.

== > My take on this is that your son is a “high risk-taker” (which is not altogether bad depending on how he uses this skill). We stay focused on strengths in this program. You will do well to shift to that paradigm as well.

We' ve taken him to the insurance agent who talked to him for an hour about how if he was caught with drugs he would not be able to get insurance and would not be able to drive. We've told him that in order for him to be able to drive, he would have to stay away from drugs, druggies, and extreme behavior- which we have thoroughly and prolifically described to him.

== > I’m sure the “lecture” was a form of pouring on a lot of intensity while “things were going wrong.” Your son got a payoff – but not the kind you hoped for.

We've taken him to the Juvenile Detention Center to show him what happens to kids who have to go there. He got to see the little jumpsuit and the video.

== > More intensity while things are going wrong. He now will have a fascination with being detained. We, as parents, want to provide intensity when things are going right (or not going wrong) rather than using all these “traditional” parenting strategies you’ve listed so far.

We've visited his vice principal and informed her of A___'s struggle, and now she checks in with him. He knows he will be subject to more than the average locker tests.

== > This is a good move!

We've been very honest about out feelings and forthright about admitting the times we've made mistakes as well, to bring healing to wounds from the past. We are very available, we're setting limits, giving consequences, praising him for good behavior, giving him space, pulling him into dinnertime conversations, etc............

We are random drug testing. He likes the church we attend, and really likes the pastor's relevant teachings, but doesn't want to get involved with the youth group. Insecure.

Did I mention he also got arrested for stealing in December. It was expunged from his record, but not without him paying us back for some financial consequences, having his "goods" removed for a while (restriction), community service, and a whole ton of communication about the deal and everything involved with his choices.

So, do we need to deal with the drug behavior more severely than the 3-day restriction?

== > No. And the reason is because he will receive a series of natural consequences by default (and already has). Also, be sure to read the section of the online version of the eBook entitled “Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents” [session #4]. Look for where it reads: "We got a call from school last week. Our son got busted with a bag of pot in his locker and has been suspended from school for the rest of the year. My wife and I are shocked and angry as hell. I'm not sure what question to ask at this point other than what should we do now?"

If he gets caught with drugs, he gets arrested, has very long-term driving consequences because of the insurance deal, and it will always be something he has to mention when applying for college or a job, etc.

== > These are the natural consequences I’m talking about. Do not attempt to save him from making poor choices that will lead to the above.

Second, how can we work with him to expand his thinking to remember what's really important to him so he will weigh more carefully his choices.

== > You can’t. Stop trying to “reason with” him. Strong-willed kids only learn from one method – the school of hard knocks.

Lastly, he has a very hard time connecting to friends. he's friend-LY and quite handsome and even a little charismatic. But somehow he can't seem to hook any more deeply than surface. He was very hurt when a close friendship fell apart a few years ago (the kids was great but had some issues that made it very difficult to connect. He would wall up a lot). I think this has something to do with it. But even then, he seems so insecure that friendships have always been a struggle. He was bullied through junior high

(kept it a secret from us) and carries around some damaged thinking. I believe that a great deal of his acting out with drugs has been to salve his pain and connect to people who seemed more than willing to share their drugs with him.

== > Be sure to read the web page on bullying (click on the “website” button at the top of the Contents page [online version] and look under "Parent's Strategies A-Z" [right side of page].

So much is at stake.

== > You’re feeling sorry for him at some level – and I can promise that will work against you and your efforts.

He has a good heart, and I'm stunned by all of this. Maybe I need some comfort. It doesn't seem to be getting very much better.

Any and all advice you can think of will be more appreciated than you can possibly imagine.

Thank you for what you do.

Blessings,

L.

== > I think you are largely on track (with just a few exceptions that I have eluded to in my comments).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

16-year-old daughter constantly tells her younger siblings what to do...

Mark,

Our 16-year-old daughter constantly tells her younger siblings what to do and how to do it and that the way they do things isn't good enough. It creates daily friction in the family. What can we do to make it stop? And do I understand you to say that parents shouldn't pay a lot of attention to children when they are fighting?

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Hi T.,

Re: And do I understand you to say that parents shouldn't pay a lot of attention to children when they are fighting?

That's right. Too much attention handicaps a child's ability to fully grow up. In this regard, there is general agreement among parenting pundits that adolescence now begins at 10 and lasts almost 20 years.

In the second place, children don't really like a lot of attention. They like to be ignored, to be left alone. But a child has no way of knowing that if he's never experienced the joys of being ignored.

I'm describing a ubiquitous state of parental micromanagement, and when parents micromanage, children whine. The general theme of this whining is that everything is "too hard" and life isn't fair. One of the most predictable themes of all this complaining has to do with being treated unfairly by siblings, which brings me back to your question.

I'll just bet that when your younger kids complain about their older sister, you make the mistake of trying to solve the problem. Your involvement whips their conflict into a soap opera, replete with yelling and tears and general gnashing of braces. You need to deal with this with a sense of humor. Instead of helping to whip this into an intergenerational drama, turn it into your very own family sitcom.

The next time the younger kids come to you with tales of woe concerning older sis, just say, "I love you, too!" and walk away, singing the first verse and chorus from “The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music." After they recover from their disorientation, they will catch up to you, complaining ever more loudly. Turn around and say, "Life is good!" (Sing the opening lines from "When The Saints Go Marching In").

It's important that you look like a permanent resident of La-La Land. Just keep doing this until they give up, which they will --- eventually. Other equally irrelevant things you can say include "I hope the Cubs win the World Series" and "I just love those raspberry-filled Hostess Ho Ho’s -- don't you?"

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My husband and I were at the end of our ropes...

Thank you for your concern for others. My husband and I were at the end of our ropes. I prayed for wisdom and God certainly answered my prayer. I have already tried some things on the first week actually the day I ordered this and to my amazement - they worked!! I had already been thinking the turmoil was like a drug for my daughter and I was right. Thank you so much and God Bless you! – E.H.

Online Parent Support

Online Parent Support

Hi Mark! I think your techniques are really great & thank you for putting your skills out there for so many families in need! I wish I had your information 10 years ago.

Online Parent Support

That is my experience...

Hi Mark,

I am a single Dad looking after 2 difficult teenagers. Bought your e-book today because I was astonished by the presentation. Yes......that is my experience!!!! Thank you...I am on session one and trying out my poker face tonight with the girls!! It seems to be working......Loved this...if you are having problems with the kids ...You have to grow!!

Thank you for hope

J.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I was looking for an Internet Support Group for parents with “out-of-control” teenagers...

Mark,

I found you online. I was looking for an Internet Support Group for parents with “out-of-control” teenagers. I am looking because of friends of mine. They are divorced, both good friends of mine. The mother was the hands-on parent till 6 months ago, when she basically “called it a day” on the ongoing abuse she was suffering at the hands of both her teenage daughters. Then the father got the chance to have a go at it, and he is now suffering a similar fate.

I am a former psychologist myself, also divorced. My kids are now adults. I have had some tough times, especially with my youngest daughter when she was in her late teens. I count my blessings that one way or another “we” came through. The relationship now between my kids, my ex and I, is really good, and a source of happiness.

I have had the privilege of witnessing from close by and being involved in the raising of quite a few kids over the years, and kids going through their teenage years. However, what the friends I am speaking about, are dealing with is, quite honestly, something I have never seen before. Of course there are reasons. However, these teenage girls are not deprived kids, and yet they make it seem that way. My reading, (as an observer if you will) is, that they are 100&% in control. Their abuse and lack of respect is on-going, pretty much 24 hrs a day, expressing itself in small ways, as well as bigger ways (“I will kill you”).

I am now recommending my friend to get in touch with you, and write off to your program.

Thank you!

Frank

Online Parent Support

Do we increase the consequence...

Hi Mark,

I have a question on consequences. Scenerio:

Older daughter (S__) with drivers permit is going to drive our family home from dinner. Younger child (B___ - 13) runs and jumps into the front seat refusing to allow her sister to drive home. If we handled it correctly here's our question.

First we would say, please get into the back seat (to B___). If she then does not and keeps yelling or refusing then we say, "If you don't get into the backseat then you will be choosing a consequence of not using your computer for one day." Then still refusing we say, "Your consequence does not begin until you sit quietly in the backseat."

Still refusing.....This is our question. Here we have said that her consequence doesn't begin until she gets in the backseat, but she hasn't budged. So, do we increase the consequence (length or taking away more things, i.e. changing the consequence) or do we continue to sit in the parking lot while she is screaming and wait?

Thank You,

Dr. M. & M.C.

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First, please review the section of the eBook entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [online version of the eBook].

Second, don’t say “please.” “I need you to _____” would be better. “Please” denotes that you may be up for compromise, which you’re not.

Third, rather than saying, “If you don’t _____” -- say, “If you choose not to ____”. This implies that your daughter is doing the choosing – not you.

Re: So, do we increase the consequence (length or taking away more things, i.e. changing the consequence) or do we continue to sit in the parking lot while she is screaming and wait?

No and no. Could you have had her sit in the back seat? Then whenever she stops screaming (as the family makes their way home), the one-day grounding with no computer privileges begins.

Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen

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Thanks for your answer. But, what did you mean by could we have had her sit in the back seat? That was our problem. We needed her to go into

the back seat and she wasn't moving.

Thanks,

M & M

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Would it have been possible to physically move her? If she was going to physically restrain your other daughter from driving, then the police would have been a big help to PUT her in the back seat.

Mark

There is no coming back...

Hi Mark,

Thank you very much for taking time and reading my story. The question that I have is if you think we did the right thing by telling her that if she made a choice to leave home then she has to live with that and there is no coming back at least for now. It feels right to me but I am getting hammered by my parents who scream and yell that it is all too harsh and I am a bad mother.

==> The first part is O.K. But I would let her know that your door is always open – as long as she is willing to abide by your house rules.

The other thing we told her that if she chose to use her biological father as a leverage to get all things her way, we wish her luck and we are not supporting her financially at all, that she is on her own.

==> This is on track!

The third question is what is your opinion based on your experience and what you read about our daughter on chances that she will change. The worst fear I have now that she is grown into person with very low moral principals, who can lie, betray and do other terrible things just to get what she wants.

==> I believe she will change very little UNTIL she becomes a mother herself. Then you are likely to see a different person.

Mark

Online Parent Support

If I encourage him I am damned and if I don't am damned...

Hi Mark

Thanks for the help and advice you gave me. I did go to the police after my son took that car when I was on holidays. The police would not lay charges because the kid had gone out for 5 mins. and the neighbour called him on the cell phone and told him to get the car right back now! The police told me because they did not have to look for the car they weren't going to do anything. I asked them to come and talk to him then, and they told me that scare tactics like that really don't work with kids any more. The system here sucks. My son is on drugs and he did come home higher then a kite and abusive to me, the one night he didn't come home at all and was at the mall at 2:00 a.m. in the morning and I called him and said that he was to get home and he said that he was not. He came home that morning and slept for 26 hours. The next night I told him that things were going to change etc. like the program talks about, that night he went out I told him to be back at curfew or I would be calling the police as he would be a runaway. He came home stoned, abusive but home before curfew. I took his things away, t.v., cell phone, computer and he was very abusive to me calling me everything in the book, I used the technique I am not going to argue etc. He phoned his friends mom then and asked her if she still had that room for him at her place and she said sure I will send my kid over to get you and your stuff right away and off he went.

He stayed at this home and 2 weeks ago at 3:30 a.m there is this banging and the doorbell ringing non stop we jumped out of bed and there was Chris at the door. Crying and telling us that he was in so much trouble he had taken 4 grams of mushrooms and he was scared that he was having trouble breathing. We called the Crisis Centre and they got a bed ready for him at the detox centre to monitor him and get him counselling for his drug problem. He started smoking up in March of this year and it was downhill from there. When we were on the phone with the Crisis Centre to get Chris help which he asked for the daughter of this mother that he was staying at called she was higher then a kite asking for her brother Andrew and she called twice until I told my husband that it must be the daughter at this house. I *69 on the phone to get the number and sure enough she got high with Chris that night and she was scared to. Chris stayed at the detox for 2 day and he told us when we went to visit that he was scared there and we prayed with him and we told him that this was the best placed for him to get better. The 2nd night after we left he called this mother to come and get him and she did. It is a voluntary programs here and the kid can sign themselves out and the parent has no rights. I called the 3rd day in the morning to see how he was and they told me he was gone. I phoned the mother and she said that he was scared there and that she was going to take him to NA meetings and go with him. That she loves him and wants to adopt him.

When I had gone over the day he was admitted to the detox to get some clothes at first she would not give me anything then she said she would only give me a few things 2 tshirts and a pair of underwear and that was all. She didn't even ask me how he was, just that I was not to say anything negative about him and that anything I said she was going right back and telling him and that she loves him and wants to adopt him, when I said we needed to get him help. When I called her that morning I found out that she picked him up and I told her she needed to wake up and that her own kids were on drugs and that I was on the phone with her on kid from 4:00 a.m .until 8:00 a.m. making sure she was okay.

Our family doctor got us an addiction counsellor and we have been going as a family. There is alcoholism on both sides of the family and it goes a couple of generations back. I do not drink and my husband has a beer now and then and that it is. Our family lives were a living hell.

Chris decided that he wanted to get his own townhouse with 2 friends (they do not do drugs) and a few days before he went on this 2 day binge and came to our door he had asked me to be the guarantee on this townhouse. I refused and I knew that something was going to happen. My dog was even sitting at the front door like something was about to happen. This mother signed for the townhouse for him. The morning I phoned her, I asked her why she took him out and she said he wanted to come home and I said what do you think you are doing that we are not doing, she said she is there for him. Well where was she at 3:30 in the morning when he was scared and need our help. What I can't get over is that Chris didn't like her kids and the older one was always bullying him at church youth group and my friends son went along to protect him.

Chris has moved into the townhouse now, he has told my husband that I never talk to him. When I see him, I just say Hi and wave and keep going. He has told me that when I talk to him like tonight for example we phoned to say hi and how are things going, I asked him if the things that counsellor was teaching him to do was working and he said that it is hard to stop. I said maybe he needs to hang with the kids that are not into this life style and that to keep busy maybe take a course to keep busy and that he has potential and he got mad at me and said we were having a nice conversation and now I was lecturing again and that when I do this it only makes him want to go out and get stoned again. He told me tonight doesn't want me to say he has potential or anything like that and I am not to talk about his friends. I did not cut up his friends, I am afraid to talk to him because he lays this guilt trip on me and I am afraid it will set him off on a binge. The other week he told me that I don't talk to him and it was like I had given up on him. If I encourage him I am damned and if I don't am damned. After counselling last week, he gave me a hug and said that he knows that it was the drugs that had come between us.

Do you have any words of advice on this?

Thanks, A.

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Keep your end of the conversation very short and simple. Tell him you love him …miss him …and hope he is doing well. That’s about it. If your side of the conversation goes more than 30 seconds – then you’ve gone too long. Less is better at this point. You’ll know when your son wants more words from you, but until then, keep it short and sweet.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I cannot find any instructional video...

G'day

I just joined/purchased and have commenced reading through. I find that each page says 'Instructional video #1" etc, but I cannot find any instructional video. Would you please let me know what I need to do to change in my settings.
Ta,
P.

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Hi P.,

You had me worried there for a minute. I checked ...and the videos are still there. Does your computer run slow perhaps?

Mark

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G'day Mark,

I have attached screen shots of the first page and the introduction page.

As you will see there is a big gap in the beginning of the introduction page that I am assuming is where the video is - this is the same for all the other pages as well.

Any suggestions?

Cheers, P. :o)

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Hi P.,

If you have a slow computer, the videos may take awhile to load. Here are some suggestions that may speed things up a bit:

1. First, try rebooting your computer (i.e., turn it off, then back on) before viewing the videos.

2. Use Mozilla Firefox 3 as your main web browser. It is much faster than Internet Explorer. Click here for a free download ==> http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/

3. Close all other browser windows other than the page with the video you want to view.

4. Free up disk space. By freeing disk space, you can improve the performance of your computer. The Disk Cleanup tool on your computer helps you free up space on your hard disk. The utility identifies files that you can safely delete, and then enables you to choose whether you want to delete some or all of the identified files. Use Disk Cleanup to:

•	Remove temporary Internet files.
•	Remove downloaded program files (such as Microsoft ActiveX controls and Java applets).
•	Empty the Recycle Bin.
•	Remove Windows temporary files.
•	Remove optional Windows components that you don't use.
•	Remove installed programs that you no longer use.

5. Your computer will also load many programs at startup you probably do not need. You can run the Microsoft Configuration utility to prevent these programs from loading into memory. To do so, go to Start>Run and type msconfig and hit OK. Under the Startup tab, uncheck any programs you know do not need to load.

6. The most common performance hit comes from viruses and spyware. Make sure you are running an antivirus program like AVG and a spyware program such as Spybot Search and Destroy.

7. You can click on the Google button (lower right corner of each video), which will
take you to Video.Google.com. The videos should run a bit faster when viewed directly from Google.

8. Once the above steps are taken, be sure your computer is in an open space where the fans are clean and working. Heat buildup in a PC will slow the processor and may even cause it to lockup or shutdown.

9. If none of the above works, then you can simply click on the play button, then go feed the cat. By the time you return to the computer, the video should be loaded and ready to view.

I hope this helps,

Mark

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G'day Mark,

Thank you so much for the info.

My husband has the same computer as me, so I tried it on his and his worked fine.

So, I got onto MS website and read up on their help files and did some downloads as a result.

After this was done I got your e-mail, so I also cleaned out my recycle bin - I keep forgetting about that bit and had over 4GB to get rid of!!

The videos on your pages are now coming up with no problems.

Thank you again.

I have already seen an improvement in my ODD/ADHD/Asperger's son after only reading a little bit of your information. My 'normal' daughter who has obviously been feeling neglected will be the type to get worse before better, but at least I now feel as if I can start living again :o)

Cheers, P.

Online Parent Support

Today is the day he kicked in his bedroom door...

Hi T. and T.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Mark,

You seem to be the person with the most sound advice, so we are writing to you again. Our 16 year old has continued to escalate his out of control behavior. We have removed the privilege of having a private bedroom, as recommended, and we have a space for him on a couch. We locked up his room, and we removed all of his attitude clothing and gadgets. He basically has an alarm clock, his school clothes, food, water, and normal household items. There is a posted note on his door telling him simply (and precisely) what he needs to do to get this stuff back. He needs to comply to a three day grounding and avoid swearing and profanity towards his parents. Pretty straight forward, and we even took the time to read it with our best poker faces.

== > O.K. So far …so good.

He has kicked in the door to his room to get some stuff (we didn't have most of his items there), he leaves and comes back after curfew (if at all), he attends school sporadically (he claims to like it), and he is constantly telling his mother to shut up or leave him alone (with profanity) whenever she tries to approach him about anything. We are filing reports (almost daily) with the police and with the juvenile court diversion program (he's currently in) for every rule/law he violates. We also filed a fourth degree misdemeanor domestic violence for pushing his mother around. We even have taken complaints straight to the juvenile court intake officer.

== > You are still greatly on track. I’m proud of you for doing the hard business of employing tough love (which is often tougher on the parent than the child).

They still have the same story - he's not doing anything bad enough. They told us straight out that his most likely outcome is a probation officer that will put him at the bottom of the list of priorities as he hasn't done anything really bad. We keep doing it anyway.

== > Re: They still have the same story - he's not doing anything bad enough.

I would disagree. “Battery” is certainly “bad enough.” Your filed complaint will have its day in court, which may also be the day that your son is placed on probation.

Perhaps no single incident is “bad enough” (other than the battery). However, as you are documenting the events and filing reports, a cumulative effect is taking place under probation’s nose (e.g., one bee sting is meaningless, but 25 bee stings are deadly). Probation will stall as long as they can (since they are super busy and do not want to take on any more cases than necessary). But eventually they will see the need to intervene.

Pick the battles carefully. Here are the battles you should fight:

• Whenever your son commits any act that is a crime for a juvenile (i.e., status offenses such as truancy, possession and consumption of alcohol, curfew violations, purchase of cigarettes, etc.
• Whenever he commits any act that would be a crime for an adult

Other than the above 2 points, let it go and focus on making plans for him to move out when he’s 18.

He is not following his counseling anymore, and we're running out of options.

== > Counseling is just another traditional parenting strategy that tends to make a bad problem worse (because the kid feels that the parents are blaming him for all the family’s problems, thus he becomes resentful and behaves accordingly).

T__ sat down today and told him that we still are his family, and that all he needs to do is follow family rules. Today is the day he kicked in his bedroom door while we were gone. Our other family member and friend placement options look grim as no one really wants to deal with him. He has disassociated himself with his grandparents and other family members as he believes we turned them against him.

== > If there was property damage, then call the cops again (if you haven’t done so already) so they can file yet another report.

I have a feeling that things may come to a head when the battery charge is addressed. If, for whatever reason, probation does not want to address that issue, then it’s time to get an attorney and have him talk to the prosecutor. Then you’ll have the cards stacked in your favor.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen