Does He Need Residential Placement?

I just logged onto your site for the first time and wonder if your tips can help us- a single parent with a 15 year old son who matches most of the factors you list in the behavior list AND as a result we are seeking residential placement before he does something really bad. He is a kid with great potential in spite of a low IQ and a school system, which is not meeting his needs. He has NVLD, which is not recognized by the school, and I cannot get them to understand that he needs different accommodations, not isolation in a special-ed classroom, which he hates.

Thanks.

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Of course my bias would be to err on the side of trying the parenting strategies in my ebook first. Unless you will be sending him to a boarding school for at least a year, you will be wasting a lot of time and money on placement.

Keep in mind that I counsel kids who are struggling [just like your son], and I also work for a youth center that has 4 residential facilities. What I see is that the kid does very well while in placement, but if the parent has not made any changes on her end, the kid's "positive behavior change" has no longevity -- with a few short weeks after returning home, I see the behavior problems reappear with one negative caveat - the kid has been associating with other delinquents, and is a better "criminal thinker" as a result.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My Space Predator Exposed

I just want to make sure this doesn't fall into the intrigue category...

My daughter has arranged one week's work experience at a local police station. She is actually considering becoming a police constable or studying criminology or social work. But right now she can be defiant. Could this be dangerous for her? I thought it would be good to meet local role models and police who will know her personally in the area etc., and she has to sign something to guarantee she will keep confidentiality and dress and behave appropriately.

I just want to make sure this doesn't fall into the intrigue category. I'm worried that any other work experience will bore her and this "bites" time.

What are you thoughts?

Y.

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This does fall into the “intrigue category,” but the intrigue will most likely involve the “high-intensity” of police work and the risks involved -- rather than the “high-intensity” associated with breaking the law, being a criminal, etc. I think this is a good move. It’s very common for intense youth to sublimate, or redirect, their strong need for intensity toward a more socially acceptable means as an adult. She will make a great cop and will probably enjoy the periodic drama connected to this line of work.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Son Vandalizes Mother's Residence

"Last night my apartment was broken into and my car was stolen. I am sad to say that I think it was my 13-year-old son and some of his friends. My son has recently been directed to reside with his father. He is not happy with this decision and keeps running away. He is has been taken into custody a few times recently and in court he agrees to go to his fathers then runs. I was away working for a couple of days and came home to a broken kitchen window and remains of a party in the living area. My car keys and house keys have been taken. I woke up later last night someone was in the apartment when they realised I was there, they left quickly, and then I realised my car was no longer parked outside. I have reported it to the police...do you have any advice?"

Click here for the answer to this dilemma...

Daughter Ran Away and Moved In with 21-year-old Boyfriend

Mom's Question:

"Hi Mark, I know you hear from so many parents, you probably would not remember my story, but I emailed you a while ago about my daughter. She left home, telling people she was kicked out, and has moved in with her 21 yr old boyfriend (that she only met Christmas past). He has his own problems ....unemployed, recovering drug addict, etc.

Well, my daughter is gone almost a month now. I have tried to be supportive, telling her that this will always be her home, if things are not what she thought they would be or she just needs a break from her boyfriend, that the door is open. I tried to keep the lines of communication open, which is hard, because I do not condone what she has done. I still find it hard to believe that she has done this with no consideration whatsoever for her father or me. She is barely 17.

To get to my point, my daughter appears or certainly acts like she could care less if she ever sees me. She has called a few times, but not to ask how I am or chat, but to ask if I saw her sweater, or some stupid thing. When she left, she told everyone that we threw her out and she had nowhere to go. She told me to go f**** myself. I have been sick about this, and I am trying so hard to deal with this. But I am running on fumes.

I don't call my daughter anymore, at least in the past 2 weeks, because I just feel like I need to distance myself from her. I just feel I can't take this much more. What am I supposed to do? By distancing myself, am I doing the wrong thing? Should I just keep trying to maintain contact even though I feel rejection each time? Between trying to work and appear normal, and keep a normal atmosphere at home for the sake of my 11 yr old, plus other commitments, I just feel worn out and so defeated. I apologize for going on and on, it is just that I need to know if I am making things worse by distancing myself from my daughter. The wounds, at least for me, are so fresh. I never saw this coming. I feel like this is a bad dream. Thanks so much for your help."

A Sad Mom

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She is not doing her reputation any favours...

Mark,

My 17 year old daughter who, up until now has been an absolute delight to raise, has become friends with a group of "undesirables". She and I have done nothing but argue since she became friends with them and as a consequence she packed her bags and went to her grandmothers to live for a week. She is playing the "I can do what I want when I want" game very well as she has her licence and her own car. As soon as she gets home from work she is in that car, hanging around the streets with these people (who don’t work and have nothing better to do). No need to tell you most of them are from a family of parents who care little about their children or have no control over what they do and where they go. Whilst she is not actually doing anything illegal I cannot seem to get through to her that she will get the reputation of the people she is hanging with. The group has been in trouble with the police on more than one occasion on vandalism, petty theft, minor traffic matters etc. etc. Whilst my daughter has not been in the same trouble I am so fearful that she will be dragged into it. I am suspicious that she is sweet on one of the boys in the group (and he is the biggest rat of them all).

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want bigger and better things for her but she cant see the big picture. All she sees is that they are her friends. She is out with them during the week until 11-12 o'clock at night and therefore keeping the household awake until she gets home (as we are worried about her). She tells tales about her whereabouts. Instead of telling us she is down the street parked and talking to these people she tell us she is at one of their houses (and she chooses the name of one of the friends she knows we don’t have a problem with).

Any tips on how to deal with trying to explain to her that she is not doing her reputation any favours by hanging around with this group of people, without putting this group of friends down as dead heads would be greatly appreciated.


Regards,

M.D.

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Hi M.,

The portion of the ebook that would be most appropriate here would be the strategy entitled "When You Want Something Form Your Kid" -- in the Anger Management chapter of the online version.

It appears to me that you have bigger fish to fry than your daughter's "reputation" (e.g., possible drug use, illegal activity, getting pregnant, getting arrested, etc.).

Not to catastrophize, but she really seems to be in harms way.

I have some questions: What did she do to earn her car? What does she do to earn driving privileges? Also, what does she do to earn time out of the house to be with her "friends"?

I'll wait to hear back,

Mark


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

HEG Biofeedback

Have you heard anything about HEG? D.Z. __________________ Yes ... hemoencephalography (HEG) biofeedback is similar to electroencephalogram (EEG) biofeedback in that it is a drugless treatment for several conditions (e.g., ADD/ADHD, autistic disorders, mood disorders, etc.). HEG biofeedback does not involve electrodes like EEG biofeedback does. Instead, special infrared optical biosensors are used. HEG training occurs while the patient watches a video (of her/his choice). The goal is for the patient to learn to self-regulate the brain's frontal lobe activation (just as with EEG biofeedback). There's some debate regarding whether EEG is a more or less effective treatment than HEG biofeedback. Mark