Husband is not on the same page...

I have read your ebook and found it easy to understand and value the suggestions/examples given in the book. I have attempted to start the assignments in the book BUT the problem I have is convincing my husband to read and initiate the parenting strategies. What’s the best way to motivate my husband to at least get him to consider implementing these strategies?

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A weaker plan supported by both parents is better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent. I would simply summarize for him the important points and then model for him the strategies that you want him to begin to implement. If he simply does not want to use a particular strategy, then you would do well to strike some sort of compromise with him. The compromise may be a "watered-down" version of the real thing, but again, that's better than the two of you being on separate pages.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Is it realistic to insist on appropriate attitude...

Hi Mark, My question is: Is it realistic to insist on appropriate attitude, respect and tone of voice from my daughter at this beginning stage, and if so can you make some suggestions? Thanks, happyfeet

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Actually, "insisting" is not part of our methodology. We simply: (a) state the rules, (b) state the consequences for breaking the rules, and (c) follow through with implementing the consequence if the rule is broken.

You can’t really stop a child from breaking the rules. She already knows what the rules are, and it gets old trying to convince her not to break rules. But...

 

You can deliver a consequence in a way that doesn’t accidentally reward her for negative behavior. And you can give your child your energy when things are going right rather than when they are going wrong.

Say to your daughter, "You know the rules. If you want to break the rules, there's a consequence -- no big deal. You decide."

 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

We need an exorcist!

"We need more than parent coaching - we need an exorcist! Do your services include exorcism (lol)? Our daughter is the most selfish, insensitive teenager alive today - or so you would think if you had to live with her."

When a teenager seems insensitive or selfish, it is because she is in too much emotional pain to be able to consider the parent's feelings. Pain interferes with listening and with understanding where the parent is coming from. This is particularly hard to understand when the teenager hides her pain with rage or with the "silent-treatment."

Sometimes kids behave in manipulative, hurtful ways not because they think this will change the parent's behavior, but because they honestly feel they are doing the best they can given the circumstances.

If we, as parents, think our children do bad things because they have evil intentions, we may give up trying to influence them, become afraid of them, get angry with them, seek revenge, etc. Your daughter isn't “bad,” she's just desperate to find a solution to her problems and hasn’t found one yet.

Setting consequences for misbehavior takes some skill. When parents do it wrong, they end up making a bad problem worse. If they do it right and incorporate some incentives/rewards to go along with it, it can be the most rewarding experience they ever encounter.

 

More help below:

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teenagers 

What can you tell me about NVLD, and what can a parent do?

What can you tell me about NVLD, and what can a parent do?

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Non-verbal Learning Disability (NVLD or NLD) is very like Asperger Syndrome (AS). AS and NVLD are generally thought to describe pretty much the same kind of disorder, but to differ in severity—with AS describing more severe symptoms.

Signs of NVLD include:

· Great vocabulary and verbal expression
· Excellent memory skills
· Attention to detail, but misses the big picture
· Trouble understanding reading
· Difficulty with math, especially word problems
· Poor abstract reasoning
· Physically awkward; poor coordination
· Messy and laborious handwriting
· Concrete thinking; taking things very literally
· Trouble with nonverbal communication, like body language, facial expression and tone of voice
· Poor social skills; difficulty making and keeping friends
· Fear of new situations
· Trouble adjusting to changes
· May be very naïve and lack common sense
· Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem
· May withdraw, becoming agoraphobic (abnormal fear of open spaces)

Here are some parenting tips for kids with NLD?

· Keep the environment predictable and familiar.
· Provide structure and routine.
· Prepare your child for changes, giving logical explanations.
· Pay attention to sensory input from the environment, like noise, temperature, smells, many people around, etc.
· Help your child learn coping skills for dealing with anxiety and sensory difficulties.
· Be logical, organized, clear, concise and concrete. Avoid jargon, double meanings, sarcasm, nicknames, and teasing.
· State your expectations clearly.
· Be very specific about cause and effect relationships.
· Work with your child’s school to modify homework assignments, testing (time and content), grading, art and physical education.
· Have your child use the computer at school and at home for schoolwork.
· Help your child learn organizational and time management skills.
· Make use of your child’s verbal skills to help with social interactions and non-verbal experiences. For example, giving a verbal explanation of visual material.
· Teach your child about non-verbal communication (facial expressions, gestures, etc.). Help them learn how to tell from others’ reactions whether they are communicating well.
· Learn about social competence and how to teach it.
· Help your child out in group activities.
· Get your child into the therapies they need, such as: occupational and physical therapy, psychological, or speech and language (to address social issues).
· Steer your child toward a playmate they have something in common with and set up a play date. This is a way to get some social skills experience in a small, controlled, less-threatening way.
· See if you can find a small-group social skills training program in your school system, medical system, or community. This kind of program will probably not be available in smaller communities.
· Encourage your child to develop interests that will build their self-esteem and help them relate to other kids. For example, if your child is interested in Pokémon, pursuing this interest may open social doors for them with schoolmates.
· Talk to your child in private after you have gone with them to a group activity. You can discuss with them how they could improve the way they interact with other kids. For example, you might point out that other kids don't feel comfortable when your child stands so close to them. Help them practice the social skills you explain to them through role-playing.
· Bullying is unacceptable. Your child's school must make every effort to prevent it. If talking to your child's teachers and principal does not put an end to the victimization, ask your child's doctor to write a letter to the school, and pursue the issue up to higher channels in the school district if necessary.
· These kids need as few handicaps as possible, so make sure your child is getting the counseling, therapies, and/or medication they need to treat any other problems or medical conditions they might have.
· Reassure your child that you value them for who they are. It's a little tricky to help your child improve social skills, and at the same time nurture their confidence to hold on to their unique individuality.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Does He Need Residential Placement?

I just logged onto your site for the first time and wonder if your tips can help us- a single parent with a 15 year old son who matches most of the factors you list in the behavior list AND as a result we are seeking residential placement before he does something really bad. He is a kid with great potential in spite of a low IQ and a school system, which is not meeting his needs. He has NVLD, which is not recognized by the school, and I cannot get them to understand that he needs different accommodations, not isolation in a special-ed classroom, which he hates.

Thanks.

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Of course my bias would be to err on the side of trying the parenting strategies in my ebook first. Unless you will be sending him to a boarding school for at least a year, you will be wasting a lot of time and money on placement.

Keep in mind that I counsel kids who are struggling [just like your son], and I also work for a youth center that has 4 residential facilities. What I see is that the kid does very well while in placement, but if the parent has not made any changes on her end, the kid's "positive behavior change" has no longevity -- with a few short weeks after returning home, I see the behavior problems reappear with one negative caveat - the kid has been associating with other delinquents, and is a better "criminal thinker" as a result.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My Space Predator Exposed

I just want to make sure this doesn't fall into the intrigue category...

My daughter has arranged one week's work experience at a local police station. She is actually considering becoming a police constable or studying criminology or social work. But right now she can be defiant. Could this be dangerous for her? I thought it would be good to meet local role models and police who will know her personally in the area etc., and she has to sign something to guarantee she will keep confidentiality and dress and behave appropriately.

I just want to make sure this doesn't fall into the intrigue category. I'm worried that any other work experience will bore her and this "bites" time.

What are you thoughts?

Y.

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This does fall into the “intrigue category,” but the intrigue will most likely involve the “high-intensity” of police work and the risks involved -- rather than the “high-intensity” associated with breaking the law, being a criminal, etc. I think this is a good move. It’s very common for intense youth to sublimate, or redirect, their strong need for intensity toward a more socially acceptable means as an adult. She will make a great cop and will probably enjoy the periodic drama connected to this line of work.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com