Hey son ...I know you got emotional problems, but how about those Chicago Bulls?

Hi Mark I have read your ebook but I have a few questions. We just received our 16 yr old son's report card and to say the least, it is not good. I know that this needs to be his responsibility but he just won't do anything. He is failing the 3 classes where he has homework. The other 3 he is passing but only just. He seems to be refusing to put much effort into his schoolwork. How do we react to this??

 

 >>>>>>>>> Please refer to this section of the eBook for this problem: CLICK HERE 

 

I emailed you a while ago about how to handle moving with a 16 yr old as this is certainly a possibility due to a changing work situation for his Dad. Do you think this is partly a reaction to the move possibility or maybe depression?? 

 

 >>>>>>>> I think both, plus the fact that you may be taking on more responsibility for his schoolwork than he is (refer to the eBook section above). 

 

Anytime I try and talk with him about anything he just tells me to go away or to stop talking. I get a few moments here and there but not very often and certainly not enough time to discuss anything major. Any suggestions??  

 

>>>>>>> I don’t mean to be offensive here, but when parents “pry” into their child’s “biz” (e.g., asking “what’s wrong?” and so forth), it is very annoying to the kid. Do him a favor and don’t ask such questions. Do inquire about other things though – more positive stuff (e.g., “tell me about that movie you saw yesterday …was it any good?” …or “I heard that the Chicago Bulls and the Phoenix Suns took 2-0 leads in their opening round NBA playoff series last night …who are you going to root for this year?"). 

 

  >>>>>>>>>>> You get the idea – right mom? Just make stuff up …be creative. Use distraction, then use it again ...then use it some more ...as a method to connect with your son on a more enjoyable level. 

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Twin Trouble

Hello Mark, Thank you for your site, interest and email. We are beginning to look through the material that we have printed off, and will begin the program on the weekend. We are uncertain as to our coping abilities if matters continue to deteriorate. At present, there is fluctuation between stable and intolerable. We have twin sons aged 17.5 years who have just had a scrape with the law. They are yet to pay for their crime with other boys also involved. As this is their first time, restorative justice conferencing has been offered rather than a charge with possible conviction or juvenile justice accommodations. We have removed them from the College environment and withheld internet and mobile phone, thus keeping them distant from their circle of friends. We are keeping them busy with hard work in the garden and one son has gained part-time employment on weekday evenings. I have been working with them to identify behaviours and habits that support their delinquency and undermine independence such as when they do something despite knowing that it is not allowed, knowing why it is not allowed, but going ahead and doing it anyway (e.g., eating pre-packaged foods intended for lunches away from home). I am encouraging them to take on the small steps at home that will break that habit and allow them to actively stop when something doesn't feel right rather than to continue anyway (which was the case in their criminal activity). Their father has been spending each weekend and last light evening hours working on more difficult tasks to teach them a range of physical skills. They were above average academically until sliding the slippery slope from Year 8 (second year of high school, aged 13-14). We have been told by some College teachers that a staggering one third of boys in the government schooling system slide out to a greater or lesser extent. They have always been strong willed and tended to bargain for a better deal whenever offered rewards. In recent years they have developed a non-compliant attitude. They have been unwilling to participate in household chores, unwilling to keep themselves or their environment clean, and have taken greater freedoms than allowed at the same time as refusing to accept the full consequences of their actions. At College, they both do not link the consequences of being late, unprepared for lesson, or skipping classes with their failure to do well enough to gain a Certificate. 

 

It has been since they were babies, that when one son is behaving well, they will 'tag off' with the one that isn't, which keeps an unstable atmosphere continuing; or both will act up together. There has been far less frequent times when all is smooth. Since early high school, they have both been very secretive about the friends they keep, never allowing their friends to come home to our house, always going out instead. If a friend does turn up, they are ushered away by one or both of our sons. One boy that was dropped off by his parents (unexpectedly for us) was taken to the bus stop by one of our sons (again, secretively so we did not find out until the boy was on his way). Our sons had kept the game that this boy had brought with him. Their communication skills have always been poor, with an unwieldiness to communicate or interact with visitors to the home (disappearing to their rooms or elsewhere out of sight). When little, we undertook some speech therapy to help them say the ends of words. During this last year, we suspect that our eldest twin is showing some signs of developing a bipolar disorder. This same boy was beginning to stutter in early childhood, which we were able to successfully divert. The techniques that I used to confront the stuttering are not as powerful to pull him out of his angry/unreasonable periods. I suppose our first question is in relation to our own plans for purchasing into a new Franchise business with the potential for our sons to join and perhaps eventually even take it over. We are seriously investigating a particular Franchise as a major part of our retirement plans. From your experience, can you offer an opinion on whether keeping them close to us would be the best way forward (as it has been in the short-term) or could it turn out to be counterproductive in the long term? Please let us know if you have questions for us and if we should look at a phone consultation (from ACT, Australia) to follow on. Regards, K. & M. 

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Hi K. & M.,

As you will learn from reading my eBook, self-reliance is key (I won’t go into that here). However – and this is a BIG however – if your son has bipolar, then I have to take a different stance. Bipolar teens do not do well away from their familiar caretakers (i.e., they tend to self-medicate their bipolar symptoms with illicit mood-altering chemicals). Thus, I think it would be in your eldest son’s best interest for you to keep him “in the fold” so to speak. This goes contrary to the business of “fostering the development of self-reliance,” but in the case of Bipolar Disorder, the parent should make sure her adult-child is stabilized from a medical standpoint first. Then – and only then – can the child “launch” into the real world and away from parental monitoring. Get a good diagnosis to see if he is, in fact, bipolar. If so, his psychiatrist will need about one year of experimentation to find the right combination and dosage of meds. 

What did I miss here?

I’ve answered below where you see these arrows >>>>>>>>>>

Hello Mark,

My 13-year old son is acting out again. I've set rules. He signed a contract for school and home behavior. Of course he now knows he is grounded. It started this way.

My high school reunion was held in my city. I've planned for my children to meet with my close friends at a dinner held at a friend's house. D___, my 13-year old is fully aware of this. On the day of the occasion he made excuses not to go. He doesn't know anyone there …he'll be totally out of place, etc. He made things so difficult. He brought his pillow and blanket in the car threatening he won't go out of the car at all. I told him we already made this plan and there's no changing it at the last minute. I refused to be drawn into an argument because he is good at this. He made true his threat. His brother in college later on stopped by to join the group, came up to the car to talk to D___ but to no avail. He stood his ground.

>>>>>>>>>>> This falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. You have bigger fish to fry than getting your son to meet your high school friends. Don’t go lookin’ for trouble with an out-of-control teen (unless you have a lot of time & energy to fight every battle that comes down the pike).

We went home. I haven't spoken to him yet but neither did I do anything. I unplugged the Wii Nintendo he loved playing. Because I still have to be with friends, I left him home telling him he cannot go out to join his friends nor will he go to his sports activity. He is a very stubborn kid who only wants to do what pleases him. I tell him to do his chores. He says yes but ended up not doing them. I thought I was following your book's recommendation. What did I miss here?

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m glad you asked. That tells me you are an invested parent. I think what happened is that you set up a situation in which there was no pay off for your son. He had nothing to gain by going to the reunion.

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not sure I would have asked him to go in the first place (easy for me to say after the fact). In the future, when it’s important that he go with you to a particular function, but he decides not to join in the festivities, just allow him to experience a natural consequence (i.e., he sits in the car the whole time – how boring is that? – quite boring!). Alternatively, you could promise a reward if he chooses to join in (e.g., “if you go to this party with me, you can have a friend spend the night and we’ll order a pizza).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Then he aimed a plunger at my head, which hit me...

I’ve answered below where you see these arrows >>>>>>>>>>

I should be calling our state police because my son's therapists want me to for any kind of angry, violent acts including throwing a wad of paper at me. But I'm afraid they would just laugh and not come in a real emergency.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Calling the police would be a waste of time, but you should go to your local probation department and file a battery charge. Allow me to repeat this: you should go to your local probation department and file a battery charge! If you don’t, then you will be attempting to “save” your son from emotional pain associated with his poor choices – a form of over-indulgence.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> If you read the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of my eBook, then you’ll see that you have reached the highest level possible on the anger ladder:

6th - Physical violence enters the picture here. This violence may be partially controlled because the kid knows what he is doing, even though later he might claim it was an accident. The kid plans to stop when he gets his way …if the parent gives in, he’ll back off.

Some of the things that may occur in this last stage:
· destruction of property
· domestic battery
· cops are called – sometimes by the kid
· parent files incorrigibility charge
· kid may not be conscious of his actions
· kid may become suicidal
· he may physically hurt the parent

My son began his escalation an hour ago by smoking in his bedroom. I smelled smoke, went to him and reminded him of the no smoking in the house rule. He then began ranting about his ability to do anything he wants. I can’t stop him, etc. I kept my poker face and he got more mad because I wasn't engaging so he spit on the floor at my feet. Then he aimed a plunger at my head, which hit me. I told him that was totally unacceptable and he kept screaming all kinds of obscenities at me, leaving the room and crawling onto my bed quietly just as quickly as he escalated.

15 mins later he is trying to talk to me as if nothing happened...This kind of thing hasn't happened in many weeks and I know he is incredibly frustrated with his school program and has become quite depressed. Psychiatrist and I are in frequent communication but what to do to address this need for control. Thanks.


>>>>>>>>>>>>> I have nothing to add other than what I’ve stated above.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> YOU NEED BACKUP in the form of probation. Parents must have a “zero-tolerance-policy” when it comes to domestic battery by a child.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Could the Meningitis be causing this Bipolar disorder?

I have worked with foster children for fifteen years, several with bipolar disorder …so I have dealt with these kids for years. So that is why I requested your book. But most recently my adult son has just recently been diagnosed …he has been very difficult to talk to. He is on medication, and seeing a doctor but it hasn't helped much. His behavior is overwhelming his wife and children. We can't seem to reach him, or are afraid to try.

My question is, when he was 10 months old he had viral meningitis and was very ill. At five years of age the doctors thought he had Muscular Dystrophy, because his muscles were so weak,, and still are. But, now I see from research that this was damage was most likely due from the Meningitis. Could the Meningitis also be causing this Bipolar disorder? What would you recommend we do?

L.

--------------------------

Hi L.,

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, bipolar disorder would NOT be diagnosed if the individual in question had developed a mood disorder as a direct result of some medical, neurological, or infectious disease process that had affected her brain. In such a case, the correct diagnosis would be, "Mood Disorder Due to General Medical Condition".

So he might get a diagnosis of "psychosis due to a general medical condition” (his meningitis). Or the doctor might consider a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, which could have been "latent" and triggered by his meningitis.

In either case, the symptoms should be treated (in his case, some behavior changes that sound potentially "bipolar-like" treated with "anti-psychotics" and "mood stabilizers" respectively).

So we have a clear trigger by an infection, but also the possibility that something was "latent" before the infection.

Recommendation: He should try medication approaches ‘as if’ he has bipolar disorder.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I don't think I could follow through with calling the police...

I read what you suggest in the area of alcohol [viewed here]. I don't think I could follow through with calling the police and turning her in for under aged drinking ...a record of this kind is part of what we're trying to avoid ….along with the obviously safety issues. Do you have any other suggestions or do you believe that's the only thing that could possibly help?

==============

Do I have any other suggestions? Are you kiddin' me?

Absolutely not!!!

I'm going to have to be a bit blunt here:

You are trying to save your daughter from painful emotions associated with her poor choices. This is a "traditional" parenting strategy that WILL cause you more problems -- I guarantee it.

I can see you have a way to go yet with the business of tough love.

Mark

P.S. You just got a dose of tough love yourself.

My Out of Control Teen

Let's Trouble-Shoot

Dear Mark,

I have a 13 year old adopted daughter. She is the youngest of 6 children, 2 biological and 4 adopted. We were foster parents for many years and therefore have had much experience with children, both well adjusted and troubled.

She is very bright and very athletic. She is in the 7th grade taking accelerated classes and has been on the honor role. She excels in sports also.

We noticed a difference in her a few years back and for the last 3 years her behavior at home has been on a steady decline. She has been able to keep things together outside the home but I'm not sure for how long. We had been in counseling 2 1/2 years with poor results and have recently started it again due to a suggestion from the local hospital behavioral unit, which she spent 4 days in March. This was her first hospitalization, but fear it will not be her last.

Her behaviors have escalated to property destruction and physical retaliation. She refuses to admit anything is wrong and she feels we are the problem since she does well everywhere else. If we try to talk to her she screams shut-up the entire time and if we don't or argue with her this is when she destroys things in the house and then says it our fault because we wouldn't leave her alone. Our house is a time bomb.

She has been diagnosed with ODD and I feel there is much more going on than that. A few years back she was diagnosed with ODD, depression, and attachment issues. We tried medication for the depression but she would not take it and states she will not take any meds now. We can't force her to do this, so I do not feel any amount of counseling will help if she first doesn't admit there is a problem.

I have been a member of the Online Support for a while now and know your views on sending children away, but I don't know how much longer we'll be able to tolerate this in the house without my husband or I having a heart attack or stoke with all the explosions and non-compliance.

Yes, I have read the print version and listened to 90% of the online version and have tried to implement as many of the suggestions as possible. I know there is never a quick fix, and I know with attachment issues it would be in her best interest for her to be stable in our house, but I have to consider more than just her.

I have read it would be better for her to consider a boarding school rather than a residential treatment center, but usually the student needs to fill out some of the application and have an interview, and I fear she will sabotage this. I'm also concerned we will not be able to afford this and was wondering if you have any other suggestions for financial help. I really would like to research this and not have to make a split decision that might not be the best for our daughter.

I would appreciate any help you can give on this matter. Any questions you can email or call me.

Thanks in advance,

Frustrated

-----------------

Hi Frustrated,

Well first, it’s clear to me that you need some outside assistance. If you haven’t done so already, and if you live in the U.S., go to your local Juvenile Probation Department and file an incorrigibility complaint. Then your daughter will be assigned a Probation Officer who can help you with services.

Second, allow me to share with you what I see in those cases where parents seem to have difficulty getting 'off the ground' with these parenting techniques:

Some parents have always been indecisive about what course of action to try with their child. They jump from one parenting technique to the other without giving any one technique enough time to be effective, or they try a new parenting technique once and then give up in frustration because it didn't work fast enough.

Some parents will say, "We've tried everything and nothing works with this kid." On rare occasion, this may be true. What I usually see is parents drifting from one parenting tool to another without refining their parenting tools.

Here are several ways to refine:

---Realize the same discipline may not work for all children, because of the unique features of different children

---Try to blend a combination of several parenting tools to create a more effective discipline

---Don't believe it when your children seem unaffected by discipline. Children often pretend discipline doesn't bother them. Continue to be persistent with your planned discipline, and consider yourself successful by keeping your parenting plan in place. When children pretend a discipline doesn't bother them, parents often give up on a discipline, which reinforces the child's disobedience. Remember, you can only control your actions, not your children's reactions.

Let's trouble-shoot.

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in My Out-of-Control Teen eBook. If parents do not implement ALL of these assignments, it will be the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan falls through the floor.

1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life? (page 20 of the printable version of eBook)

2. Are you saying to your child "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return? (page 20)

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out? (page 20)

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes? (page 25)

5. Do you use "The The Art of Saying - and Sticking With - No" whenever your answer is no? (page 25)

6. Do you catch your daughter in the act of doing something right at least once each day? (page 25)

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed? (page 31)

8. Do you give your child at least one chore each day? (page 31)

9. Do you find something fun to do with your teen each week? (page 54)

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up? (bottom of page 50)

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is your daughter EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle" - page 19)

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Keep up the good work. Please continue to refine by emailing me again. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com