The keys just came up missing...

Hi J., I’ve answered where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>

 

Mark, Have just received your e-book and went through it. I am going to go through it a few more times to make sure I "get it right". I do have some questions for you I'm hoping you can answer. 1. How do you handle a situation where you believe your teen took something (the extra set of car keys for the car he will drive when he shows he is more trustworthy and responsible) but cannot prove it as there are other children in the house (19 yrs old with a car of his own and a 9 yr old) and the keys just came up missing. 

 

>>>>>>>>>> If you have no evidence re: who took the keys, then you shouldn’t accuse anyone.  

>>>>>>>>>> I know this may be hard for you to hear, but go to your local auto repair shop and have them put in a new ignition switch in the vehicle in question. You will then receive a new set of car keys that you should keep with you at all times. It will cost you about $100 to get a new switch, but it will be well worth the expense. Think about how much it will cost you if your son takes a “joy-ride” and has an accident (he probably does have the keys by the way, and you can’t monitor his “joy-riding” capabilities 24/7). 

 

 >>>>>>>>>> Round-up all the other keys to any other items that your kids are not to have access to while you’re at it. 

 

2. Can your method work when the other parent (2 parent family, 3 boys) will not follow your program (or anything else) and will yell, ground "for a month" and tell him to "just leave and don't come back" when they are fighting? I will discipline (usually with the 3 day grounding), but they will get into an argument and the Dad says to leave. Then son gets a gleeful look on his face and is gone (on his bike and usually to his girlfriends). How do you start over, continue with the punishment when he gets the go ahead from his Dad? It often feels as I am in the middle trying to referee this situation.  

 

>>>>>>>>>> A weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one. 

 

3. This child has a girlfriend (also 16--same school) of over 1 yr that he is quite serious about, so much so that he has almost excluded any male friends. He wants to talk with her/text her and be with her almost 24/7. He does have a job and is involved with sports, and does pretty well in school--3 B, 2 A, 1C). We do have rules at our house. The girlfriend's parents think pretty much anything is OK. I have accepted this girl and am pretty OK with it but we do have many conflicts about the lack of rules at her house, and different ones at home. What is the best approach to this that will show our son that he still must follow and respect us and our rules?  

 

>>>>>>>>>> This is one of those very general questions that would take a book to answer adequately …fortunately, you got the ebook.

 

Mark 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

He puts his head down on the desk and pretends to go to sleep...

Greetings, Mark!

Your publications and web site have proven to be invaluable sources of information; thanks!

I am writing to seek assistance with my almost 17 year male child.

He has been diagnosed with ADHD with some depression symptoms as well. He is currently on Prozac and Straterra. The Prozac is for the depression and the Straterra is for focusing issues at school. We have noticed behavioral changes on those days when he forgets to take the meds (and it is a mild hassle to remind him every day).

He is currently in the 10th grade for the second time, and may have to repeat again because of failing grades. He is very well versed in creating rap songs using the computer and 'beats', and spends most of his waking hours working on these projects. Which leads to his poor performance in school.

We never see him doing homework at home - his response when asked about any is that he did it already. He refuses to write down assignments, and is almost always late in completing whatever assignments he does work on. He is constantly tardy to classes anywhere from 1 to 15 minutes on a regular basis. In some classes, he puts his head down on the desk and pretends to (or actually does) go to sleep.

He is being seen by a psychological social worker on a weekly basis, whom we have spoken to several times unbeknownst to him (no violations of client privileges have occurred during these conversations).

He is adopted, but he has been with us since he was two days old.

We are trying to stress the importance of education to him (without becoming overbearing about it), but he has a real passive motivation towards education. He has delusions (our feeling) about becoming famous in the rap world, which we temper as much as we can with a dose of reality without telling him to give up something that he really enjoys doing.

He has some anger management issues, but is not extremely "out of control" when compared to some of the stories identified in your publications. He has had two brushes with the law - both misdemeanors, and will be completing probation in September. Part of his probation agreement is performing at an adequate level in school.

I'd like to hear your thoughts about this situation; feel free to request additional information if you need it.

Thanks.

D.B.

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Hi D.,

I’m not trying to take a short-cut here, but as you may know, my stance is the more responsibility YOU take for your son’s academic performance, the less HE will take.

I’m not accusing you of the following, but I often find that when I provide my recommendation on poor academic performance (which can be read on the link below), parents email me again with the same question hoping for a different answer. Unfortunately for them, they get the same answer.

CLICK HERE to go to “Email From Exasperated Parents” and locate the post that reads:

"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

Mark

She’s in an addictive relationship...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for the great emails, I read all of them and find them helpful even if they don't relate directly to my situation. I can relate to it somehow to my life and maybe some thoughts I have had of my own.

I have listened to all your information and read everything so far, just wanted you to know I have found it very helpful. It has really built on what I read previously while I was endlessly searching for options.

I was just curious about one thing. My daughter is 18 and things have settled down some, partly because of my reaction to her things and the other is because she stopped seeing her long time boyfriend. He actually called the relationship off because they fought constantly. I don't care for the kid at all. There are so many issues that he has that I see as an adult, not that my daughter doesn't have them, but they are just not good together.

Because he broke it off, she kept hanging around the same areas he was and calling him and trying to be his friend. This was all to keep the relationship going. Well this went on for at least 3 months then she met this other boy and started dating him and he was good for her in that they laughed together, but she broke up with him because she couldn't stop thinking about her X.

Gosh sorry to ramble, but she just won't let the relationship go and she is miserable. I have had endless talks with her and she just thinks she loves him and that is enough. They are talking again and now the fighting is starting all over again and hence the bad moods are starting again. She will literally scream and cry on her cell phone to him in her room for hours. I asked her to not do that in my house any longer, for the most part she respects that when I am not home.

Sometimes my youngest daughter tells me that she hears her when I am not home. There seems there is nothing I can do, so I have stayed completely out of it for months now, for nothing I said seemed to make a difference and it is her life, pushing 19 years old.

Is there any hope here, she seems stuck in this relationship and won't let it go for any reason. Literally she has wasted her entire senior year crying over him and not letting it go. Is this just par for the course?!

One of the reasons her dad and I want her to move out is because we can't stand the arguing that they do and how upset she is most of the time. I can tell you that things are better at home and in general, she does seem to respect what I ask of her.

She is seeing a counselor that I saw for awhile, he was the one that told her that pot smoking was not addictive!
UGH! I just hate that he told her that, cause now she thinks there is nothing wrong with the fact that her boyfriend smokes pot, cause a PHD told her that. Any suggestions would be great. Sorry so long—

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She’s in an addictive relationship, for sure.

The only suggestion I have is for you to begin the process of helping her find her own place to live. Her romance difficulty is her problem, not yours. You’re doing the right thing by staying out of it. But she needs to move on – and she needs to move OUT. Not for YOUR benefit, but for HER benefit.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

It seems askew to allow 1 kid to sour 3...

I appreciate your advice and your emails. I’ve got a situation that I’m sure others have gone thru. I have a 16 year old son who moved in with me 2 years ago after 14 years with his mom (we divorced when he was about 2). He’s going thru all of this defiance stuff. My biggest issues are the negative influences that he is creating for his 3 much younger siblings. The entire family dynamic and their behavior is changing for the worse while I try to work thru these issues with the teenager. It seems askew to allow 1 kid to sour 3. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks, A.R.

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Behaviors are contagious. So your son’s defiance may very well “rub off” on your other kids at some level. But, let them know that if they choose to follow in their brother’s footsteps (e.g., to act-out in a particular way), they too will choose the resultant consequence.

Hey son ...I know you got emotional problems, but how about those Chicago Bulls?

Hi Mark I have read your ebook but I have a few questions. We just received our 16 yr old son's report card and to say the least, it is not good. I know that this needs to be his responsibility but he just won't do anything. He is failing the 3 classes where he has homework. The other 3 he is passing but only just. He seems to be refusing to put much effort into his schoolwork. How do we react to this??

 

 >>>>>>>>> Please refer to this section of the eBook for this problem: CLICK HERE 

 

I emailed you a while ago about how to handle moving with a 16 yr old as this is certainly a possibility due to a changing work situation for his Dad. Do you think this is partly a reaction to the move possibility or maybe depression?? 

 

 >>>>>>>> I think both, plus the fact that you may be taking on more responsibility for his schoolwork than he is (refer to the eBook section above). 

 

Anytime I try and talk with him about anything he just tells me to go away or to stop talking. I get a few moments here and there but not very often and certainly not enough time to discuss anything major. Any suggestions??  

 

>>>>>>> I don’t mean to be offensive here, but when parents “pry” into their child’s “biz” (e.g., asking “what’s wrong?” and so forth), it is very annoying to the kid. Do him a favor and don’t ask such questions. Do inquire about other things though – more positive stuff (e.g., “tell me about that movie you saw yesterday …was it any good?” …or “I heard that the Chicago Bulls and the Phoenix Suns took 2-0 leads in their opening round NBA playoff series last night …who are you going to root for this year?"). 

 

  >>>>>>>>>>> You get the idea – right mom? Just make stuff up …be creative. Use distraction, then use it again ...then use it some more ...as a method to connect with your son on a more enjoyable level. 

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Twin Trouble

Hello Mark, Thank you for your site, interest and email. We are beginning to look through the material that we have printed off, and will begin the program on the weekend. We are uncertain as to our coping abilities if matters continue to deteriorate. At present, there is fluctuation between stable and intolerable. We have twin sons aged 17.5 years who have just had a scrape with the law. They are yet to pay for their crime with other boys also involved. As this is their first time, restorative justice conferencing has been offered rather than a charge with possible conviction or juvenile justice accommodations. We have removed them from the College environment and withheld internet and mobile phone, thus keeping them distant from their circle of friends. We are keeping them busy with hard work in the garden and one son has gained part-time employment on weekday evenings. I have been working with them to identify behaviours and habits that support their delinquency and undermine independence such as when they do something despite knowing that it is not allowed, knowing why it is not allowed, but going ahead and doing it anyway (e.g., eating pre-packaged foods intended for lunches away from home). I am encouraging them to take on the small steps at home that will break that habit and allow them to actively stop when something doesn't feel right rather than to continue anyway (which was the case in their criminal activity). Their father has been spending each weekend and last light evening hours working on more difficult tasks to teach them a range of physical skills. They were above average academically until sliding the slippery slope from Year 8 (second year of high school, aged 13-14). We have been told by some College teachers that a staggering one third of boys in the government schooling system slide out to a greater or lesser extent. They have always been strong willed and tended to bargain for a better deal whenever offered rewards. In recent years they have developed a non-compliant attitude. They have been unwilling to participate in household chores, unwilling to keep themselves or their environment clean, and have taken greater freedoms than allowed at the same time as refusing to accept the full consequences of their actions. At College, they both do not link the consequences of being late, unprepared for lesson, or skipping classes with their failure to do well enough to gain a Certificate. 

 

It has been since they were babies, that when one son is behaving well, they will 'tag off' with the one that isn't, which keeps an unstable atmosphere continuing; or both will act up together. There has been far less frequent times when all is smooth. Since early high school, they have both been very secretive about the friends they keep, never allowing their friends to come home to our house, always going out instead. If a friend does turn up, they are ushered away by one or both of our sons. One boy that was dropped off by his parents (unexpectedly for us) was taken to the bus stop by one of our sons (again, secretively so we did not find out until the boy was on his way). Our sons had kept the game that this boy had brought with him. Their communication skills have always been poor, with an unwieldiness to communicate or interact with visitors to the home (disappearing to their rooms or elsewhere out of sight). When little, we undertook some speech therapy to help them say the ends of words. During this last year, we suspect that our eldest twin is showing some signs of developing a bipolar disorder. This same boy was beginning to stutter in early childhood, which we were able to successfully divert. The techniques that I used to confront the stuttering are not as powerful to pull him out of his angry/unreasonable periods. I suppose our first question is in relation to our own plans for purchasing into a new Franchise business with the potential for our sons to join and perhaps eventually even take it over. We are seriously investigating a particular Franchise as a major part of our retirement plans. From your experience, can you offer an opinion on whether keeping them close to us would be the best way forward (as it has been in the short-term) or could it turn out to be counterproductive in the long term? Please let us know if you have questions for us and if we should look at a phone consultation (from ACT, Australia) to follow on. Regards, K. & M. 

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Hi K. & M.,

As you will learn from reading my eBook, self-reliance is key (I won’t go into that here). However – and this is a BIG however – if your son has bipolar, then I have to take a different stance. Bipolar teens do not do well away from their familiar caretakers (i.e., they tend to self-medicate their bipolar symptoms with illicit mood-altering chemicals). Thus, I think it would be in your eldest son’s best interest for you to keep him “in the fold” so to speak. This goes contrary to the business of “fostering the development of self-reliance,” but in the case of Bipolar Disorder, the parent should make sure her adult-child is stabilized from a medical standpoint first. Then – and only then – can the child “launch” into the real world and away from parental monitoring. Get a good diagnosis to see if he is, in fact, bipolar. If so, his psychiatrist will need about one year of experimentation to find the right combination and dosage of meds. 

What did I miss here?

I’ve answered below where you see these arrows >>>>>>>>>>

Hello Mark,

My 13-year old son is acting out again. I've set rules. He signed a contract for school and home behavior. Of course he now knows he is grounded. It started this way.

My high school reunion was held in my city. I've planned for my children to meet with my close friends at a dinner held at a friend's house. D___, my 13-year old is fully aware of this. On the day of the occasion he made excuses not to go. He doesn't know anyone there …he'll be totally out of place, etc. He made things so difficult. He brought his pillow and blanket in the car threatening he won't go out of the car at all. I told him we already made this plan and there's no changing it at the last minute. I refused to be drawn into an argument because he is good at this. He made true his threat. His brother in college later on stopped by to join the group, came up to the car to talk to D___ but to no avail. He stood his ground.

>>>>>>>>>>> This falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. You have bigger fish to fry than getting your son to meet your high school friends. Don’t go lookin’ for trouble with an out-of-control teen (unless you have a lot of time & energy to fight every battle that comes down the pike).

We went home. I haven't spoken to him yet but neither did I do anything. I unplugged the Wii Nintendo he loved playing. Because I still have to be with friends, I left him home telling him he cannot go out to join his friends nor will he go to his sports activity. He is a very stubborn kid who only wants to do what pleases him. I tell him to do his chores. He says yes but ended up not doing them. I thought I was following your book's recommendation. What did I miss here?

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m glad you asked. That tells me you are an invested parent. I think what happened is that you set up a situation in which there was no pay off for your son. He had nothing to gain by going to the reunion.

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not sure I would have asked him to go in the first place (easy for me to say after the fact). In the future, when it’s important that he go with you to a particular function, but he decides not to join in the festivities, just allow him to experience a natural consequence (i.e., he sits in the car the whole time – how boring is that? – quite boring!). Alternatively, you could promise a reward if he chooses to join in (e.g., “if you go to this party with me, you can have a friend spend the night and we’ll order a pizza).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com