Teenage daughter's behavior is getting worse...

Mark, Thanks. A quick update -- I wrote four house rules and gave the paper to her (I'll add more rules later but thought I'd keep it simple for now).

1. Bedtime 11:00 pm.
2. Two hours limit on internet time, no computer after 10:00 pm.
3. No going off with friends without permission - no exceptions - and must
obey curfew.
4. No seeing boyfriend without direct supervision.

Not following the above entails 3 days grounding. Violating grounding entails additional consequences (which I didn't specify - in the long term I'm thinking of no drivers' license at 16 and no JROTC next year if her behavior doesn't change). What do you think?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not sure the self-reliance concept is sinking in. Will withholding JROTC and a driver’s license foster the development of self-reliance or dependency? Answer: Dependency. Thus: Bad decision.

>>>>>>>>>>> Just stick with the 3-day-discipline principles. If she violates the discipline, just look at your watch and re-start it – don’t tack-on more consequences. If restrictions start to pile up, she’ll not be able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and as a result, will adopt the “fuck-it” attitude (i.e., she’ll be so despondent that she will not cooperate on anything whatsoever).

As you predicted, it's getting worse before it gets better. She violated the computer and bedtime rules and had a meltdown, yelling and cursing and calling me "billy bad-ass" and screaming "you are a terrible mother, you never should have had me" and promising to make my life "hell" when I told her she cannot see the boyfriend after school. She yelled so loudly I was afraid the neighbors would call the police. But she's cell phone-less and
computer-less for 3 days.

>>>>>>>>>> Believe me when I tell you that this is a good thing. It tells me that positive change is occurring – and change is painful. But it will be well worth the effort in the long run. Don’t back down!

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

I'll commit suicide if I don't get my way... I swear I will.

 

Hi Mark,

I downloaded your e-book last night, read the whole book and the first week's part twice, and I'm ready to implement these techniques.

Right now, I hope it's not too late, because my daughter and I are in a crisis situation. I desperately need the help you're offering via OPS!

Here's the situation (it's complicated). She just turned 15 year and, up until recently, she has been a good kid. She makes straight A's in school (and she takes gifted level and one AP class) except for math; however, I should have seen trouble coming when she became increasingly disrespectful and defiant - up till recently, her defiance has involved not going to bed when she should and refusing to get off the internet. She is sometimes up till 1 or 2 am, including on school nights.

It's hard to say what my toughest parenting challenge is. Between her suicide threats, defiance, and yelling and cursing and recent drinking and sexual activity I don't know what to do.

She has been threatening suicide. Yesterday in the car, she threatened to jump out in front of traffic because I told her I would not let her see her boyfriend without my direct supervision.

How this developed is that a senior asked her to the prom, and I made the mistake of letting her go (so far, she had not given me any reason to mistrust her; she had gone with him and a group to an amusement park and a baseball game and they returned on time). They were supposed to go to an after-prom (a school-sponsored, chaperoned event), but instead they went to a wild party where there was drinking, pot smoking, and sexual activity. This was the first time (as far as I know) that she was exposed to drinking (she said she did not smoke the pot, but admitted to drinking). When she did not come home by 7am (the after-prom ended at 5am) I called the police. (All I could think of was her dying of alcohol poisoning somewhere).

Now she says I "ruined her life" (the boyfriend ignored her until yesterday). She's blaming me because she says he is afraid because I could have pressed charges on him for carnal knowledge of a minor (he is 19).

She has done everything short of sexual intercourse with him. (At least she is being honest). I had made the mistake of letting her go to his house; supposedly the parents were present, but it seems that they provide little or no supervision. I've told her that if she continues to see him, it must be under my supervision. She can invite him over here (which she refuses to do), or she can meet him in a public place (I will drive her and pick her up. This boy drinks, and has a reckless driving conviction, so there are safety issues too). Am I being unreasonable?

She says I should not have called the police; I tell her that it was his and her choice to lie to me about where they were going and what they were doing. And she has to regain my trust.

She's grounded for two weeks (this is the last weekend of this grounding), and has announced that she is "through" with me and will go out whenever she wants to. She also says that I'm not her mother, and when she is 18 she will have nothing to do with me.

Another problem is that she is very one-sided - she is obsessed with joining the army right after high school (which I think would be a disaster; we've clashed about that constantly - I urge her to go to college first).

She met the boyfriend in JROTC. I did not want her to join, but made the mistake of going along with it, and I don't want her in that program next year, because it is through that class that she met these new "friends" who drink, drug, and have sex. She says that if I don't let her take it next year, she will fail all her classes. I'd like to forbid her from taking it.

Part of the problem is that I'm a single parent (the father is not in the picture at all) and we live with my mother, who can't stand the yelling and caves in to my daughter to buy a little temporary peace. For example, yesterday I wanted to take the computer away because she was on the internet until 1am, Grandma said "let her have it for an hour" and daughter would not get off the computer. And I want her to go to a 10-day summer pre-college program (she could earn 2 college credits, and I think a change of scene would do her a world of good). She says "I'm not going and you can't make me" and Grandma says not to force her.

Should I drop out of graduate school (I'm working part time), look for fulltime work, and get an apartment? Or could your techniques work even if there is an uncooperative adult in the house? I'm concerned because you mentioned that in the ebook, and this child is expert at driving mother and grandmother apart.

Right now, as I write this, daughter is crying, yelling, and screaming because I am refusing to let her see the boyfriend today. She's howling that she wants to go to foster care. And, as has become her custom, she is screaming that she hates me and that I destroyed her.

Grandma is saying to let her see the boyfriend today, but I am standing firm. Although coincidentally there was an article in yesterday's paper about an 18 year old who was charged with a felony for consensual carnal knowledge (not even sexual intercourse or oral sex) with a 14 year old, daughter does not understand that I could have chosen to press charges on the boyfriend but didn't. In this state, carnal knowledge of a 15 year old by a 18 year old is still a misdemeanor. I've told her that I won't press charges, but that I will do my utmost to prevent sexual activity when she is not physically or emotionally mature enough for it. And this is an infatuation, not a committed relationship. I've installed monitoring software, and found that she is planning to "finish what they started" with the boyfriend.

I don't want to condone sexual activity, or underage drinking, but Grandma says that in not letting her see him, I will drive her to suicide or run away. I respond that I am not forbidding the relationship, but imposing reasonable restrictions, and after prom night trust has to be (slowly) regained. She manipulates by yelling, knowing that Grandma will take her side to try to buy a little temporary peace, and then her demands escalate.

Next time she makes a suicide threat, should I call 911? She has been seeing a psychologist for an eating disorder (was anorexia, but she gained enough weight that she no longer meets the criteria) since October, but as her behavior has worsened, the therapy doesn't seem to be helping.

I look forward to any advice you have. It's at the point that I am seriously considering boarding school. She has a violent temper, sometimes throws herself on the floor and screams, has thrown things, and has shoved me when I tried to get her off the computer. I feel that I cannot handle this child. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

S.

 

 

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

 

 

Hi S.,

 

You’ve raised at least a dozen points here …I’m not sure where to start. My preference, per each email, is to go into depth on one or two topics rather than provide short responses to multiple problems, but we’ll have to do the later for now.

 

First of all, if you have only read the ebook -- and not listened to ALL the audio files – then you are missing at least 50% of the total information. So please be sure to listen as well as read.

 

Second, your daughter is spoiled rotten. She’s 15-years-old and acting like a 5-year-old. This doesn’t make her a bad kid, just a misguided one.

 

Re: refusing to get off the internet

What is she doing to EARN computer privileges? And how long are you withholding computer privileges when she violates a house rule?

 

Re: threatening suicide

This is pure manipulation. And everyone is falling for it. Should you keep an eye on her when she makes these threats? Of course! But you must also put on your ‘poker face’ and “act” as though you are not worried. Otherwise, she’ll continue to use suicide threats (a variation of a temper tantrum really) as a weapon to get her way.

 

Re: alcohol drinking / pot smoking

This is covered in the Emails From Exasperated Parents chapter of the eBook …so I won’t waste our time going over it again here.

 

Re: …This boy drinks, and has a reckless driving conviction, so there are safety issues too). Am I being unreasonable?

Absolutely NOT!

 

Re: joining the army right after high school

As you read in the eBook, self-reliance is key. In these situations, we as parents ask ourselves, “Will this [in this case, joining the Army] foster the development of self-reliance – or dependency?” It appears to me that you will be ‘fostering the development of self-reliance’ here.

 

Re: grandma not on the same page

Please don’t get upset with me here S. But, how old are YOU? And you’re still living at home?! These questions are rhetorical (i.e., questions to make a point rather than illicit an answer).

 

This doesn’t seem very self-reliant to me. Remember, this whole program is based on “self-reliance.” It will be very difficult for you to instill ‘self-reliance’ in your daughter while – at the same time -- you are ‘dependent’ on your mother.

 

Re: Should I drop out of graduate school (I'm working part time), look for fulltime work, and get an apartment? Or could your techniques work even if there is an uncooperative adult in the house? I'm concerned because you mentioned that in the ebook, and this child is expert at driving mother and grandmother apart.

I think for you to continue to live at home will be the “kiss of failure” on several fronts.

 

Re: Next time she makes a suicide threat, should I call 911?

Oh sure ...and have them bring the fire trucks too.

 

O.K. I’m being a smart-ass. But I want to make a point. The real answer in “NO, of course not.” Keep an eye on her following the threats, but do not provide any intensity during this temper tantrum.

 

Re: Counseling

As you are finding out, this is just another traditional parenting strategy that has little or no positive effect (too often it makes a bad problem worse).

 

Re: boarding school

Way to premature for that.

 

Here’s to a better home environment,

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Mom With a Grateful Attitude

Hi Mark,

I have to first of all let you know how much I'm blown away at not just what you do, but also because you are so attainable. To be able to E-mail you for help is one thing, but to be able to call you (I do better talking then e-mail about such important things from my heart) is so special, you are my hero, truly!!

I have, as a child, been through hell living in the south and west side of Chicago, just me and my mom, no brothers, sisters, or father. My mom is only 17 yrs older then me, and she was an alcoholic. I took care of her as a child ...lived in constant fear, by the grace of God I survived.

The thing is I see now all that Hell was a blessing, a sort of a necessary conditioning to be able to relate to the kids that come into my life, because they know I've been there, and because of that, they allow me in -- and I really listen. That was the purpose, I had to walk that road. The reason I'm telling you this is so you really understand me when I tell you YOU'RE MY HERO !!

From the bottom of my heart

Thank You

D.K.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

The "Art of Schmoozing"

>>>>>>>>> Hi T. I’ve commented below.

 

Mark, I think our 16 year old daughter is still playing mom and dad against each other when it comes to getting what she wants. C___ is still living with her dad. I have read your parenting strategies, and being her mother, I’ve been enacting the rules as best I can from a distance and I should say that I have seen some improvements in her. It’s difficult because I work 2 jobs, but I’ve managed to have dinner with her once a week, tell her I love her every night, encourage her by saying things like how I think she’s showing responsibility by doing her homework or how proud I am of her for this or that - for not lying today, for not skipping school, etc.

 

>>>>>>>>> This is so terribly important. This is a great of example of “catching your child in the act of NOT doing something wrong.” Most parents overlook this important ingredient to successful assertive-parenting.

 

I’m always asking her things about her day and giving her a chance to tell me what’s going on in her life. I think that’s very important. I advised her father to assign her chores, and I guess he’s done that, but I don’t think he’s assigned her an allowance because she still complains that she thinks she should be entitled to money if she asks for it. Instead, I think he gives her money which I know isn’t the way it should be done, but I can’t argue with him because that’s his house and we’re divorced. He and I don’t get along and he won’t get on the same page with me on parenting her so I’ve given up on trying. Instead, whenever he says something negative about her to think about – I just try to counter it with something positive to help show her that he’s not always right and he can make mistakes. I think it’s helped her become a better person recently. I think she’s begun to realize that parents can make mistakes, and I want to also thank you for that.

 

>>>>>>>>> Here you have demonstrated a great example of “picking you battles carefully” …you’ve realized that you cannot control your ex-husband’s parenting habits, and you are working around him rather than wasting time/energy trying to change him.

 

My concern, though, is whether or not the trust issue is going to be met. I’ve talked to C___ about the bond between us recently and how I said, ‘we need to mend this’. C___ says she wants to try and her father ALWAYS wants to give her the benefit of the doubt unless he sees or hears different where I’m always the suspicious one. It’s been a source of contention between her father and me. He is always ready to tell C___ that I don’t trust her and tear into our relationship.

 

>>>>>>>>> I regularly encourage parents to not believe anything their kid tells them (as in 0%) until it can be verified. Here’s why: You AND your ex-husband have been “punked” more than you’ll ever know (i.e., deceived, lied to, manipulated, etc.).

 

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

 

C___ has been a habitual liar with me so there is plenty of reason for distrust. But recently, after 4 months of being in her father’s care, she is now saying how she wants to turn over a new leaf and try to start off fresh. Me, I say, “Not so fast!” Her father says, “Sure, why not?”

All year this year, her grades have been nearly all F’s. But I took your advice and got out of the hand holding business. Instead, I said to C___ that if she would just bring home a completed weekly progress report (a written report from her teachers) - good or bad – she could go out that weekend.

 

>>>>>>>>>> You get another “A” for parenting, dear mom!

 

C___ has a job at McDonald’s and works every weekend so I wasn’t giving her but one night out with her friends. The other stipulation was she’d give a phone number from a “land” line to be reached, an address of the location she’s at, and a list of names of the people who would be with her. She agreed to everything. Her curfew, being she’s on probation, is 11 p.m., but Courtney wanted to stay overnight. That was the part I wasn’t sure about. Going out was all right, but I didn’t really think she had earned a privilege of staying out all night with her dishonesty, however, again this isn’t my home.

 

Her father said she’d have to finish all chores and I said she would have to do her homework before her departure, but I was still unsure if that was enough. Her progress report wasn’t that great, she actually could’ve brought home 2 books to study for upcoming tests next Tuesday that she had failing grades, but she didn’t, and her dad hadn’t said yes to her going out before she called me. So why was she calling me for this request? Because I was the one who had given her the progress report stipulation in the first place weeks ago?

 

Dad’s house should be dad’s rules, right? Wrong. He doesn’t enforce any rules and she knows it. Did he have a leg to stand on, now, by telling her no? What reason could he have given her by this time if he didn’t want her to go? She had out-smarted us both by getting me on the phone and trying to play my parenting skills against him. Do you see this? It happens all of the time. If I had tried to take a stand at this point and said she couldn’t go, he would have let her go just despite me. But what if he had wanted to do something with her that evening? Should he have said, “No you can’t go out because I have made plans to take you somewhere tonight with me…”? Then state a consequence if she rages? Does his plans become a priority over hers?

 

By the way, I should tell you that I do like your line, “I don’t want to argue.” It has worked for me when talking with both C___ and her father and it is a wonderful diffuser in fights as long as you can keep cool.

>>>>>>>>>> If I understand correctly, your ex-husband is not only on a different page than you -- he is actively working AGAINST you. Thus, it will be in YOUR best interest to ‘schmooze’ him. Let me explain (and this is all a ‘con job’ on your part):

• Objective of the schmooze: To get your ex on your team as much as possible.
• Goal of the schmooze: To diffuse your daughter’s ability to play one parent against the other.
• Method: Use some of the parenting strategies ON THE EX-HUSBAND (you’ve already been doing this with the “I’m not going to argue” line).

Thus, catch your husband in the act of ‘doing things right’ -- and catch him in the act of ‘not doing things wrong.’ Provide an appropriate quantity (not too much) of acknowledgment and praise (even though you will often get the impression that you are simply feeding him a line of ‘bullshit’). And give him the impression you are being authentic; convey that you really mean it. 

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

 

For example:

 

“I noticed that you didn’t allow C_____ to manipulate you when she told you ‘_______________________’. I appreciate you working with me on this.”

 

“Thanks for calling me back regarding ______________________. What’s your suggestion? I really need your help on this.”

 

Let me share an example of my recent schmooze. The following conversation was recorded and transcribed (I do this occasionally for training purposes for other therapists). This is a one-on-one session with a 15-year-old female client. She was very angry about many things (including being made to attend a brief counseling session with me).

 

====================================

 

Interview [23 minutes]

Transcription:

Therapist: What’s up?

Youth: -silence- [no eye contact; melancholic affect]

Therapist: [therapist begins quietly playing with his cell phone]

Youth: -silence-

Therapist: You look pissed. Who’s been hassling you?

Youth: [pause] Everybody.

Therapist: [pause] Who’s the worst?

Youth: My mom.

Therapist: She’s annoying?

Youth: Uh huh.

Therapist: [pause] She thinks you need counseling.

Youth: Yea, right!

Therapist: [long pause] I don’t think you need counseling. [pause] I just think you’re under a lot of stress.

Youth: -silence-

Therapist: How do you manage with all the stress you’re going through?

Youth: I don’t know.

Therapist: I don’t know how you get through life, but evidently you’re doing it.

Youth: [nods her head ‘yes’; begins to make eye contact]

Therapist: Got any tips for me? I’m having a stressful day myself.

Youth: Not really.

Therapist: [pause] Do you just tune people out when they get on your nerves?

Youth: Yea.

Therapist: Me too …but sometimes when I tune people out, they think I’m ignoring them and then they feel hurt.

Youth: -silence-

Therapist: [pause] You ever get mad at people just so they’ll leave you alone?

Youth: [nods her head ‘yes’]

Therapist: What’s the most annoying bullshit you have to put up with?

Youth: My mom telling me what to do. She doesn’t understand me, and she doesn’t know my friends. She trashes my friends, but she doesn’t even know them. It’s none of her business. It’s none of her business who I hang with.

Therapist: [pause] That’s one of those annoying things?

Youth: Uh huh!

Therapist: [pause] You know …you could have come in here today with an attitude …but you didn’t. You could have come in here and told me to ‘kiss off’ …but you didn’t. You could have refused to talk to me …but you talked anyway. That’s you being responsible. So, it’s not a question of whether you can or can’t be responsible – you ARE being responsible. So what can YOU do to take care of YOU? What can you do FOR YOU – not for the judge, the PO, your mom, or anybody else?

Youth: Finish school …take care of my dogs.

Therapist: You’ve got dogs?

Youth: Yea …Max and Casey.

Therapist: What kind are they?

Youth: Chihuahua puppies.

Therapist: Cool ...so you take good care of your dogs?

Youth: [nods head ‘yes’]

Therapist: [therapist asks a lot of questions about client’s dogs; client is very informative]

Therapist: [pause] Thanks for the tips on how to deal with annoying people. I need all the help I can get!

Youth: [nods head ‘yes’]

Therapist: [pause] Is there anything else we need to talk about?

Youth: [nods head ‘no’]

Therapist: I appreciate you making time for me today.

Youth: You’re welcome.

Therapist: Tell your mom she can call me if she needs to, O.K.?

Youth: O.K.

-END-

=================================

>>>>> So anyway, cultivate the “art of schmoozing” – not because your ex deserves it, but because your job will be far easier if he works WITH you instead of AGAINST you - even if it’s only 49% of the time. And it is very possible that you will get a significant level of cooperation if you schmooze just right.

 

Side note: One mother told me she would have the following thought right before she ‘put on the schmooze’ to her ex-husband: “I’m going to compliment the hell out of this bastard.”

 

Mark

 
==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

Depression Leads to Disrespect?

How do you deal with a kid that has been diagnosed with depression, they come home from school, something is clearly bothering them, they won't tell you what is going on, but then they are disrespectful and ugly to the parents. You know as parents that something else is going on, but at the same time can't allow complete disrespect.

```````````````````````````````````````

I would tell him/her exactly what you just wrote in this email:

"I know something is bothering you, and I know you don't want to talk about it. That's O.K. ...I still love you, but I can't allow you to _______________ [here describe exactly what his/her disrespect looks like to you] without any consequences."

...then simply use "The Art of Saying Yes" ..."The Art of Saying No" ...and the strategy "When You Want Something From Your Kid" ...all of which are outlined in the eBook.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Is She Bipolar?

Hello.

I have read some of the other e-mails from other parents going through similar problems that I am having with my daughter. I have to say it has helped me (along with this book) to cope a little more. Just to know that I am not alone and there is hope.

My story with my daughter began 5 days after I turned 19. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I was not married and obviously she was not a planned pregnancy. Her dad and I were "together" but I wouldn't say it was what you'd call the ideal family. I was attending college and living with my sister. She was very helpful and her dad and I didn't get along very well so this was the best situation for her and I.

Like I said I was 19, a little selfish and very busy! I was going to school about 3/4 time and working nights as a waitress. When my daughter was old enough for preschool, I took a co-op job and continued with school. I finally (after 8 years in school) received my bachelor's degree and landed my first "real" job. This was full time with a great company. My daughter was then 7 years old and her dad and I were over. We had very rough years in there, living together off and on. There was some physical and mental abuse that went on and I believe a slight bit of neglect for her (sad to say). Me being busy with school, work and my social life. I did love my daughter and provided very well for her and worked hard FOR HER. I feel bad if I did neglect her feelings. I think I just thought she just knew that she was #1 with me, but I don’t' think I showed that all the time.

To move on now. My daughter was always somewhat "difficult". Now looking back I see that she would always seek out "negative" attention. I don’t think I dealt good with that then. When she would act out, I think my emotions escalated with her's until we were both arguing. When she was little this didn't seem like that big of a problem and we would just get through the hard days and things would be better tomorrow.

I met my husband shortly after graduating from college. I owned my own house at the time and it was just she and I. We dated for about a year and half, before getting engaged and decided to move in together. He lived in a city about 1/2 hour away from my house (which was the same city I worked in), so it made sense to live in his house and sell mine. He had full custody of his son, which was 4 at the time. We moved during the summer so that the school transition with my daughter was a little easier. She did see her dad on and off in during this time period (every other weekend type situation).

After we were married, things were ok. But like I said there was always problems with my daughter, acting out and seeking my "negative attention". Seems like she was never happy. She did not like doing things with my husband’s family (which were very accepting of both of us). I also believe that she felt like an outcast in her own home. I took her away from the city she grew up in, away from friends, and I took on a husband and a stepson, and she gained nothing and lost part of her mommy. Can you see the guilt I am trying to set up? I have a lot of it.

So now, she is 15 and angry as hell. My husband and I have made a good life for her, we moved into a bigger house (with her own bathroom), she is always provided for, she has everything all of her friends have, ipod, cell phone, tv etc………….. But she is always mad. Always making comments, complains about everything, even when we are on vacation. Seems like there is always something wrong or something to bitch about.

Her middle school years were a little rocky but she made it through with decent grades and very little trouble (not to say there was no trouble). She did not see her dad much through these years, mostly because she did not want to and he did not make her.

9th grade (this year) was the year it seeming to all fall apart. We have been in counseling off an on since she was 8 due to the problems I felt my daughter has been dealing with everything that has happened in her life. It is now May 9th, 2007 and there is 3 and 1/2 weeks of school left for her and looks like she may be a freshman again next year. To go over a little of the happenings in the past year:

Labor Day weekend, 2006: My husband and I went up north for ONE night, letting her stay with a friend. She broke into our house and had a party. There was destruction (minor) done to the house and things were stolen. We called the police and filed a report. We first thought someone broke in because she denied it all. But then later she admitted everything. She was grounded the whole 1st month of school. Her grades were actually good at this point. Then after getting ungrounded her grades started to plummet. She received several referrals for inappropriate behavior in the classroom and by mid year, she had failed two classes and was put on a behavior contract. During all of this she had been caught drinking several times, in a car accident with a drunk driver and being verbally and physically abusive with me when being punished. I called the cops on her one night for punching me in the arm (which her counselor advised us to do).

The beginning of the 3rd marking period seemed to start off good, she did not get any referrals for two months and grades were ok. The rages still continued at home when being punished or being told "no". She does not like the word ‘no’ AT ALL. She was caught in a car full of pot smoke and luckily only written a ticket for loitering since there was no evidence other than the smell. She was also getting more violent with me, leaving bumps and bruises on me, she even tried to pull the keys from my moving vehicle, and also did shove the car into park when I was moving. This is behavior I didn't understand nor knew how to deal with. I felt like an abused wife. I wouldn't tell anyone and would basically just let her get away with it. I felt like she didn't even care that she was hurting me. I know she did feel out of control and didn't like it. She knows it was wrong but couldn't help it.

After doing a lot of online research, I felt like she fit the criteria for bipolar disorder. It was scary to see all the similarities of this disorder with my daughter. I reluctantly requested if she could see a psychiatrist to be evaluated. In the interim waiting for the evaluation, she mouthed back to a substitute teacher, which put in with her last referral, this was it and she was kicked out of school, until we (her and I) met with the school board. During this time, she had another outburst in which I called the police. The policeman that came, really gave it to her good and lectured her for about an hour. He told her that he could take her to Juvi, she did not like that idea. By the end of the conversation with the cop, he basically told her that she was at the line in the sand, the last straw if there is a next time, she WILL be taken away. When the cop left, he still was not convinced she even gave a shit by her actions and facial expressions (defiance).

So getting to the end or I should say the present. We went to the psychiatrist, he suggested that she be put on two medications, a mood stabilizer (Amblify) and a medication for ADHD (Concerta). I did not see signs of ADHD before (or I guess thought about it), but the Dr. gave me some questionnaires to have her teachers fill out, and to my surprise she fell into a lot of the criteria that fit ADHD. And now thinking about I have always struggled with homework with her, staying focused. And now with her grades, it's like she just does not care. She is always saying "I forgot", even when she took the time to finish something, she would just not hand it in. Either she forgot that she had homework or a test to study for. She had completely disregarded the importance of school and her education.

Anyway, after hearing that you could not drink on the meds, she didn't want take them, and admitted that this was part of the reason. The Dr. did not give us the prescription. He said in order for the meds to work, she must understand and admit the need for them. And if she did drink on them, it may make things worse. We all decided to give it 2 months and see where things were and if things did not improve or got worse that she would go on the meds. She agreed with this. This was on May 1st. Since then, she seemed to be doing good, then we had an outburst about homework and I took away the computer, she yelled and screamed profanities, but did not destroy or hurt anything. She did punch the crap out of the couch thought, I guess is an improvement.

As you can tell and you may be feeling like me, I am in a state of very mixed emotions, frustrated, angry, guilty, depressed, denial, grieving over the loss of the child I thought my daughter would be. This is all very hard to deal with, not to mention my marriage is pretty much on hold for now, and that is if we make it though all of this. I am not sure how much more he can take, and I'm starting to totally agree that all this is not fair for him or his son.

I know all of this sounds like I am only telling the bad things about my daughter. She has a lot of good qualities in her too. She is a very strong-minded (which can be a good thing if used correctly). She is a good loyal friend to all of her friends. She is very respectful of herself (sex wise). She claims to still be a virgin and I (truly) do believe her. I do believe that she is proud of herself for that and that she wants a boy that will respect her. She is very fun loving and smart. She just needs to put a little effort forth. I don't know where her ambition went.

She no longer has a cell phone, and the CPU to our computer is in the trunk of my car. She is not taking drivers training this summer like all her friends. I just don't know what else to do!

I read your book on May 7th (two days ago). I used the technique in your book last night which kept the tantrum to a minimum, still not acceptable but it was a lower degree and lasted less time. I told her "no" to something and when she said why, I told her, then when she told me that was gay and not fair, I just said, "I am not going to argue with you". I said this repeatedly, just like you say to do. I made myself have the "poker face". After a little while she relented. I have to say, it was hard to do (not to get emotional), but I do see that it works and maybe that will make it easier in the future.

We are going back to see the counselor and she may be willing to try the meds. What do you think?

Thanks for listening and I hope that this will help anyone in a similar situation. I would love any advice or comments on my story. I'm starting not to feel so alone.

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Hi R.,

First, thank you for sharing so deeply.

Re: She no longer has a cell phone, and the CPU to our computer is in the trunk of my car. She is not taking drivers training this summer like all her friends. I just don't know what else to do!

As you read, consequences should be short-term. Please review the Anger Management chapter in the Online Version of the eBook. Have you listened to ALL of the audio?


Re: We are going back to see the counselor and she may be willing to try the meds. What do you think?

If she is truly Bipolar, then meds are a “must have” …it will take her psychiatrist about one year of experimentation to get the right drug dosages and combinations.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mom Gets Punked - Again!

Mark,

Today is the last (4th) day of M___'s discipline.

>>>>>>>> 3 days works best.

No going out, no cell phone, no computer, only 15 minutes of supervised "land line" phone. He had Lacrosse practice after school today.

>>>>>>>> Is lacrosse a right or a privilege? I think it could go either way. It could be viewed as ‘part of school’ …but at the same time, it really is a privilege (I’m sure the coach would agree). Thus, you could warn him that the next time he abuses “lacrosse privileges” by staying longer at school for additional extracurricular activities that were not part of the original agenda – he will be grounded FROM lacrosse (no more than 3 days though).

He did call and inform me (from a friend's phone by the way) the team was to look at "game tapes" (they have never done this before) after practice today and then he would stay at school to watch the "powder puff" girls football game. I explained to him that he was still grounded until tomorrow and could not stay for it. He did acknowledge this. He then called later and said that the varsity coach wanted to talk to him and a few of the other jv players about moving them up to varsity for playoffs.

>>>>>>>>> You’ve just been punked – again.

(The powder puff game started at 7pm.) He called again at 8pm to pick him up. I HIGHLY suspect him going to the girl’s game (it was half-time when I picked him up) but can't prove it. I can e-mail the lacrosse coach but won't get an answer until tomorrow but he is supposed to have his phone back in the morning before I can verify. How do you handle a situation like this? Do I let him have his privileges back since I can't prove it? Please advise!!

>>>>>>>>>> I would simply issue the warning that I mentioned above.

He is also lately telling me he is not doing his homework, "forgot" his backpack in a friend's car today, and is getting 3 D's (he has had 2 A's, 3 B's and one C all year). He says as long as his ACT is good (not taken yet) he doesn't care and will still be accepted to a good college. I can easily ask his counselor for a progress report. I kept my poker face when he told me this--do I let the cards fall as they may or do I check this out?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I assume you read the eBook in its entirety. If so, then you know my recommendation on this. You can review it here.

Once again, thanks for the advice. I am trying very hard to follow your plan.

>>>>>>>>> You are doing a great job. Keep it up.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com