I think my change in attitude is having an extremely positive affect...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for all the encouragement, I really appreciate that someone is out there and willing to listen.

Kirsten has started to pack up all her stuff but I haven't issued the ultimatum - yet. I very calmly asked for her to pack up the rooms as I was going to need them clean and empty for the boarders. "Poker Face" ...She looked like I'd thrown a bucket of water over her.

I explained that I was advertising with the local Uni to take in a couple of students. My word she did not take this news very well at all, saying things like "What am I going to do with all my things - there's not enough room at Jarrod's - I'll have to throw everything out - this is ridiculous You can't do that". "That means someone else will be using my bed" "They won't be here for tea on Sundays will they? - Dad You won't want strangers here?" "What if Chloe needs to stay overnight with you - does this mean you can't babysit?"

I thought this was priceless. Anyway I kept a neutral tone and told her she could use our loft storage area for some of her belongings but as it was already being used for that purpose she may need to sort out some of her possessions and have a good clean out.

As for using her bed YEP (mine anyway), being there for Sun tea YEP(I'm a good cook), babysitting Chloe would have be arranged but I stated one room would remain as the guest room, we get a lot of relatives visiting.

Mark this really hit home that "I was moving on" and she wouldn't be able to return anytime she liked, in effect her back door was being closed. Next time a fight erupts with Jarrod she won't be able to manipulate her way back into our home as easily. I was cool calm and collected the whole time she ranted and it was like she just ran out of steam. At the end she said she was surprised I hadn't discussed any of this with her before and I just said "You don't live here anymore - you've got your own life now - go live it - I wish you well"

I was totally amazed at how quickly her attitude changed when she figured I wasn't entering into an argument with her, it was brilliant and actually felt wonderful to be in control of my own reactions, thanks to the book. I wouldn't turn her away from our door but walking in and out will no longer be an option and she got the message I can't be manipulated.

I'm still working on the money thing - one battle at a time. The "cat issue" I'll deal with when the time comes. I'm just taking one problem at a time and trying real hard to let the rest wash over.

Since my last email we have had a big family get together where all my children (3) and their partners etc came to our house for a luncheon. This may not seem very big to other people but since my eldest son lives a couple of hours away from the rest of us we very rarely manage to see each other all at once. Matthew (eldest) arranged with everyone to be present, even contacting Kirsten directly to extend the invitation. Neither of my sons bother with her very much of late and this dissention in the family hasn't really helped the overall situation - you should have been there at Xmas - could have cut the air with a knife.

I think they both feel protective of me and their Dad and disapprove strongly about Kirsten and her life choices. Apart from that Kirsten has had some tremendous fights with both of them and the sister in laws and the boys just closed ranks and kept their distance from her.

Anyway the visit went pretty well although Jarrod didn't attend, apparently they had another blow up about him coming to any of our family functions. I was very proud of myself as normally I would try and point out to Kirsten how this one sided relationship with him isn't very fair when she is always ready to blend in with his family at all times. I just put that poker face on and didn't even comment about it - I reckon I'm getting pretty good at this stuff.

You know in general I think my change in attitude is having an extremely positive affect on my relationship with Kirsten. Rather than TELL her what to do I sit back now and consider my whole approach and I am trying more to just influence the right decision - it's no where near perfect but life is a hell of a lot easier. Ultimately I may have no gains in changing Kirsten's decisions but I can control my reactions and I no longer feed the anger. After the family visit she commented about being left out of things a bit and again I didn't try and reason with her. Normally I would come right in there with things like "This is how you've treated others What do you expect? etc", or be the peace maker and make excuses for everyone. Not this time, I just let it all go,they all have to figure out in their own way.

Anyway Mark thanks for listening,

Rgds M.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Whose In Charge At Your House?

Mark-

I realized I was very good at allowing my children to be independent, but I was not very good at setting clear and firm limits for behavior. My children easily discovered rules that could be broken if their protests were long and loud enough.

Often times, I just wanted to avoid the hassle of a conflict. It was easier for me to let the rules slide than to deal with the fuss. Also, it was sometimes hard to refuse my children anything, because I didn't want them to be unhappy. I thought "unhappy children" equals "bad parents." And I guess at some level I was afraid my children would become angry and hate me if I set boundaries.

Now I know that children want to know that their parents are in charge; they need structure and limits. This concept alone is helping me immensely.

Thank you,

J.W.

Join Online Parent Support

He was so drunk it was hard to wake him up...

Hi Mark,

My problem is that I keep finding alcohol that my 16 yr old son has hidden. I have found beer and vodka. He is also on depression and anxiety medication (Effexor). Last Sunday night he was so drunk it was hard to wake him up. When we woke him up he did not know where he was, he was hostile, threatened to run away, and he said some very hurtful things to me. How do I get him to stop drinking and tell the truth?

Most days he is a wonderful kid - hard working & makes the A/B honor roll. Right now he has a summer job at the DA's office and tutors some high school kids with Algebra. He also lost his dad in a car accident about 5 years ago. This may be the cause of his depression. He does not open up to me so it is hard to know what is going on with him. How can I get him to talk to me?

P.


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Hi P.,

I got an answer that is short and sweet. He needs to be in some form of treatment for both alcohol abuse and depression. Intensive Out-patient (IOP) is recommended. He’s got some grief issues that he really needs to work through.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She takes no responsibility of her actions...

Hi Mark,

I have read your ebook and saw that you say 3 - 7 days grounding. I have dished out a grounding of 4 weeks and no mobile phone. My 14 year old daughter is putting herself at risk with her behaviour. She has a personality that she has to be centre of attention. Just last weekend she decided to stay out for a day and night. Her friends were worried for her as they had all gone to town and she didn't come home with them.

She wouldn't answer her phone and went to her job the following night with love bites covering her neck and high. I have done a drug test. She takes no responsibility of her actions and seems to self-sabotage herself with pushing the limits.

She has a councillor and she said that she needs help. But won’t let anyone near her. She wants to go to a foster family and we feel that we can’t keep her safe as she is aggressive and breaks rules and thinks we are the ones with the problem. This behaviour has been going on for a long while. I have a 17 year old daughter who is an ADHD child who is difficult also. I can't leave the girls together as a fight will erupt within minutes over nothing. My 14 year old always wins by beating the 17 year old. My husband and I feel that she might be better off going to another family for 6 weeks to give us a break and her space.

New Zealand doesn't have many facilities for teens who are out of control. What are your thoughts on this?

Regards

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Hi,

If she wants to go to a foster home, and you need a break from her, then I would go for it.

Of course, she’ll be back after you get a call from the foster parent stating she cannot control your daughter anymore. But by then, your daughter will have matured a bit, and you will have had a respite from her negative behavior and choices (albeit a short one).

Mark

p.s. 4 weeks is too long. She'll forget why she's grounded after a week and the lesson will be lost.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

A Classic Case of Over-Indulgence

Hi Mark: It’s been a long time since I’ve written, but I wanted some input on my daughter. Ever since she got her license, a year ago March, she has changed dramatically. She has been diagnosed with severe ADHD and they thought possibly borderline bi-polar disorder.

Over the past year, things have slowly gone down hill. When she went back to school in September for her senior year, she just couldn’t deal. She had an attitude with teachers, she was barely getting passing grades (and she is extremely smart and has the capability of being an A student), she started skipping school and hanging out with other kids that skipped. She does not do drugs or alcohol, I know for a fact she is anti-drugs, etc. because she was put on different meds for her adhd and she had severe side effects to most all medications and she is afraid to do anything like that.

She went away with us (her family of six) to Florida in February, and when we returned home, she refused to go to school and quit, with only fifty days to graduation. I dragged her to her doctor and was able to get a note stating she had anxiety in school and with must red tape and phone calls, meetings, etc. (all of which I took care of), she was able to get tutored. To make a long story short, she did get her high school diploma on June 2nd, and she did quite well, all A, B’s and a few C’s. She is working two jobs now and is gone most of the time, but still bucks the system here at home.

I enforce a 12:30 curfew for her, as she does not need to be out all night, she is not a good driver, she has had four accidents (fender benders, all in the driveway) and she is a speed demon. She just bought a new car (mustang) and her car is her life. She has a car payment now that she is going to be held accountable for, car insurance, and her cell phone. She is fine with working towards these things, but she is absolutely miserable to her family.

She always has a sarcastic remark to make to me if I ask her the slightest thing, which might be “Pick up your wet towels after you shower and hang them up”. Everything is a battle, and she is not asked to do much except do her own laundry, hang up her towels and be home by curfew.

She has mostly boy friends, not boyfriends, but guys she hangs out with that she’s known for a year or more, and then new people from work that she’s only known a month or so. Boys are her friends, not girls. She does have maybe two girl friends, but sees mostly the boys. They talk about cars, racing, getting her car to run faster, etc. I’m afraid she’s going to end up in a serious car accident. She has had two speeding tickets within one week of getting her new car. She bought a radar detector so she could still go fast. There is no talking to her. She rolls her eyes and leaves. She is gone all the time. If she is working, she may leave at 7:30 in the morning (to baby-sit), get out of that job, and go to a friend’s house until curfew. She does this daily. She does not make any attempt to talk to me, (especially me because I’m the enforcer), my husband, her 16 year old sister or her twin 12 year old brothers. She comes and goes with an attitude.

She never smiles that much, she doesn’t make conversation and you can’t engage her in any conversation unless its about her car. I’m sick about this. I feel like I’ve lost my daughter, she is not the same person I use to know. I think it would be better if she moved out, but she doesn’t have the money to support herself, she can’t even pay her bills on time unless we are telling her to do it. She acts like such a child but thinks she’s all grown up. I know some of this is a typical eighteen year old attitude, but the disassociation with her family is eating away at me, I don’t get it.

We are an extremely close knit family, have vacationed twice a year together since the time she was five years old, have lots of good memories, have great family values; I am a stay at home mom and have always put my kids first and are here for them. My other three are a breeze, they are easy going and do not like the way my daughter acts. When it was mother’s day, she barely could get the words out to me, when it was our anniversary, we wanted to take the kids out to a nice restaurant because it was our twentieth, and she said she rather be with friends. It’s breaking my heart. I don’t know what to do accept try to be strong, stand my ground, and try to detach emotionally, but that is easier said than done, I miss her. Do you have any advice?

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Greetings,

There was one line in your email that greatly concerns me. You said, “…she is not asked to do much except do her own laundry, hang up her towels and be home by curfew” – none of which she is doing.

This statement coupled with the fact that you are allowing her to continue to live at YOUR house without following any house rules tells me what? You guessed it! This is a classic example of over-indulgence.

I do not want to chastise …so please don’t get upset with me here. But I would recommend that you review the Online Version of the eBook (be sure to listen to all the audio). A refresher course would be helpful I think.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I have better tools in my parenting toolbox now...

Hi Mark,

I think my biggest problem was that I didn't change the things that weren't working.
I kept using the same parenting strategies and hoped for different results. This turned out to be almost as big a problem as not trying to fix problems in the first place. For example, I thought that lecturing and threatening to do this or that was an effective form of discipline -- but since I had to use it each day to correct the
same problem over and over again, it should have been obvious that it was not a good strategy. I have better tools in my parenting toolbox now. Thanks for all your
help.

G.B.

I pretended that things were getting better...

Mark,

I resisted joining Online Parent Support for a long time. I thought I could handle the problems without outside assistance, and I pretended that things were getting better on their own. But this pretending took the place of the hard work required to bring about real change that you talk about in the eBook. That's all over now. I'm taking responsibility for my part of the problem, and my daughter is accepting here part as well.

Thank you for all your help.

Sign me a grateful member of Online Parent Support,

J.D.

ONLINE PARENT SUPPORT