I am truly concerned about her & the Wicca stuff...

Hi Mark

First off I would like to explain a little about the home life...I am a single mom. We are living with my mom, to help her out as she has Parkinson's. I am suffering from nerve damage in my neck & am having lots of issues with pain...& being a mom right now is challenging without having a difficult child.

We live in a small town, my daughter A__ (15), was being seen by the only child psychologist around here... it didn't work out. The psych was trying to turn A___ into a V___ & A___ wouldn't open up to her, instead the counselor would answer questions for her. So we are w/o counseling except for the school psych who sees her once a week.

Anyways, I am on some pretty heavy pain medicine, which is not making any of this easier. I am trying my hardest.

My concern is this....last night I had a really bad night & had to leave my 18 year old up & in charge...I had to go to bed. When I got up this morning, we had found that A___ had been looking up Wicca & Wicca chat groups online. How should I address this with her, without it turning into a major battle??? I am really concerned about this one.

With the condition I am in physically, I have thought about sending her away to a behavioral camp, but finances are rough & I cannot afford it.

We have finally overcome school refusals, after one morning, I got fed up with her refusing to get out of bed to go to school, I banged pots & pans & squirted her with a squirt gun until she got up. She hasn't refused school since.

We had a situation where her brother's Ipod came up missing....we knew she took it, she has a tendency to steal from family. The school counselors told us not to blame her, as we didnt have proof & we didn't want to lose HER trust. What about OUR trust?? A week later, A___ was in her brother's room & said there's something shiney under his bed, I think it's the Ipod. So the Ipod mysteriously reappeared. The whole house was searched...it wasn't there before.

I am truly concerned about her & the Wicca stuff though. I don't even know how to approach her on this. I am not up to a fight.

I have just started going through your program....it's gonna take me a couple times of going over it though as I am on some pretty heavy pain medicine right now.

I just really need some advice on how to approach her on this as I don't want it to be a battle.

Thank you kindly,

T.

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Hi T.,

You’re new to the program. The best advice I can give you at this point is to be patient. Only do one session per week - and only implement one set of assignments per week. In the meantime, just do what you have been doing until you come to parts of the eBook that instruct you otherwise. In session #3, you will discover exactly how to address the issue you listed above.

Having said that, you can get parental control software to stop your daughter from going to places on the net that you do not want her to visit. Here’s the one we use at our house:

PC-Tattletale

What's Fair Game?

Dear Mark,

I've been reading your e-book, My Out-of-Control Teen, and I've gotten some good ideas already. One thing that I'm not sure how to handle is taking away things as a discipline. Our 16-year-old son has a computer and video games that he bought himself with money that he earned at his part-time job. When we threaten to take these away from him, he says we can't because he paid for them. How should we handle this?

Thank you for your help.

S.D.

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Hi S.,

First of all, here's the link to the page of the eBook that most applies:

Look for the section entitled ==> When You Want Something From Your Kid

Secondly, if he EARNED his computer and games, then you shouldn't take those items away as part of discipline; however, he does live in your house ...and you pay for the electricity. So, in using the strategy in the section listed above, you can add one caveat:

Issue a warning by saying to him, "If you choose to __________________ (the behavior that is unacceptable), then you'll choose the consequence, which is as follows: You will be charged a fee (to be paid within 7 days) for using the electricity in my house, and if you cannot - or will not - help pay the electric bill, then you'll choose to (a) have the electricity shut off to your room or (b) loose the power cord to your computer (for 1 - 3 days)."

If he engages in the inappropriate behavior after the warning, then follow through with the consequence. If he refuses to accept this consequence, then take everything away (except the disabled computer and games) and ground him for 3 - 7 days.

This may sound ridiculous, but he needs to understand that using your electricity for his entertainment is a privilege - not a right.

Mark

P.S. This is representative of how the "real world" operates. That's why you're doing this - to prepare him for the real world.

Online Parent Support

At school he is a TERROR...

Dear Mark-

I purchased your program and at the part that is basically saying, eat dinner with them and tell them good night. The program says not to skip and to read it step by step -which is fine but in the meantime things are not good! Truly at home my son is pretty good (now that I have a boyfriend that will not take his crap) but at school he is a TERROR. I get calls from the office daily. Today he stole a drink in the cafeteria then when caught shoved it across the table getting it all over another student, threatened to beat up the kid that told on him and cussed out the Principal. Well he is expelled from school for 10 days now. But this type stuff goes on *every single day*.

I take away his ps2, ground him from tv- which makes him all sad and but it is not helping the behavior at school- he acts DEVASTATED every time he gets in trouble that he just cant believe it all happened and knows he is going to be in trouble and is very upset about being in trouble - yet the behavior continues.

I will keep on doing the program but for now tonight other than eating dinner with him and telling him good night - I am simply without a clue.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can handle this tonight when I get home? He already has his ps2 and tv taken away. I know to keep my poker face but how can I effectively punish him - or get thru to him to help him not want to be such a nightmare.

It this all truly just because he want attention?

Your is appreciated-

S.

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For now, I don't want you to do anything differently than what you would ordinarily do. If we make a bunch of changes too quickly - it will backfire. Only do one session per week - and only implement one set of assignments per week. In the meantime, just do what you have been doing until you come to parts of the eBook that instruct you otherwise.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Do you think my 2-week period for her is too long?

I have one question for you, if you could help me out on this: right now, my 16-yr old daughter was given an ultimatum (from me) that she had to live with her dad for a cooling off period of two weeks, without a cellphone, because she was destroying some internal house property, as well as becoming threatening to me, totally disregarding curfew, swearing at me, etc. I notice in your book you recommend a 3-day punishment period only. My daughter’s deal was that at the end of the 2-wk cooling off period, assuming she could agree to a basic contract of respectful behaviour, we’d try it again (ie. I have her at home). It’s only been in effect since Monday. Do you think my 2-week period for her is too long? (assuming she agrees to the contract earlier? What if she doesn’t agree?). With all her behavioural problems, she has still gotten decent marks at school (despite a number of absences), as well as she holds down a good little part-time job (which unfortunately I think enables her to buy drugs – soft ones, I don’t honestly think she’s into anything hard. I do know she has had alcohol and continues to party with it a bit). She does put a part of each paycheque away for savings. It’s the swearing, lying, curfew breaking, belligerence, total lack of respect for property, etc. that is way out of hand). Thoughts?

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I think 2 weeks is fine. I don't see "living with dad" as punishment. It's probably a good thing that the two of you have some time away from one another while you re-group and decide of some new strategies.

Mark

Online Parent Support

How to "break into" the juvenile justice field...

Mark-- I'm a mom, high school teacher, and foster mom. I love working with "out of control" kids, which is why I bought your ebook. While my house is perfectly peaceful, I wanted to know what to tell my students' parents when they ask me what to do. I had to read the book before I could recommend it. I've read only a part of it, but I know already that I will be assigning your book for parent homework! My question, though, is more self-serving. I've been in education for 14 years and am certified in 5 areas including special education. I am led to work with more troubled kids. I want to work in juvenile justice, and although I've applied week after week for the past 2 years, I've received no acknowledgment of my application. Having read the job qualifications and preferred candidate profiles, I know I would be an asset. Further, I've read news paper articles discussing the shortage in this field. Can you give me some idea how to "break into" the juvenile justice field (it sounds like I'm trying to break into Hollywood, huh? But the pay won't be as good...). If you have time to give me some ideas, I would appreciate it; do not feel obligated, however. I recognize that your time is valuable. I'm in Austin, TX by the way. Have a great day, Angela 

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Since you are a teacher, you may want to consider teaching in a secure detention unit for juveniles. This could be at your local juvenile detention facility or the closet DOC for juveniles in Austin. ~ Mark

Is Your Teenage Son Smoking Pot?

"I'm a mother of a teenager son. He seems to have developed an aggressive attitude as of late. Also, he seems hyper and agitated most of the time. Is that a sign of smoking marijuana?"

A pot smoker usually behaves just the opposite of what you're describing. Marijuana has the opposite effect. It's an anti-aggressive kind of a drug. I can tell you that once testosterone hits at puberty, teens can become aggressive. 

 

Also, other drugs on the market trigger aggression. Chronic marijuana abusers may get testy in between highs, but aggression is not the most common symptom.

The change you're most likely to see (if he is smoking pot) is that your son will appear slowed down and dull. The change is subtle, though, so it's really only noticeable because you're familiar with what's normal for your son. Also, a pot smoker may or may not have wet, red eyes, but the real giveaway is his breath. The smell will clue you in every time.

I don't want anything I say to reduce your suspicions, however. Every parent of American teenagers needs to be suspicious about drug use. The time to talk to your teens about drugs is before you notice any behavioral changes. So, for you, it's time to get started. 

 

Rather than focusing on "is it this" or "is it that," talk to your son about what he is dealing with in his life right now.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

I stood up to her and gave her limits...

Dear Mr. Hutten,

Thank you for saving my family. When my 13 year old daughter turned into an angry out of control person last spring I had no idea of how to handle her. Nor did the therapists I consulted. I thought I might have to put her into a residential treatment program.

I found your website and downloaded your book. I refer to it as "the Bible." My daughter's behavior turned around the instant I stood up to her and gave her limits. The change was amazing and all for the good. It has helped me to be clear, less reactive, calmer and more loving. And a lot firmer. If a situation arises I feel that I know what to do. What action to take. (Usually: Ground her!)

In other words, you are a genius! I am deeply grateful.

J. B.

Online Parent Support