What's the difference between ODD and ADHD?

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She DID the dishes...

"It was a Godsend to speak to you, and again -- I thank you!

I am better today. Lia is home. I tried your the technique you teach of "give some praise through a wired shut by anger mouth"... :-) ..., yesterday on Lia. She DID the dishes, 1st time out and good.

After she finished them I said "TTTttttttthhhhhhaaannnnnkkkkk (aaarrrgggggggaAAaag) Yyyyyoooouuuu.

You did the dishes great and even put them away without being asked. Want to help with dinner?"...

I swear she stood frozen, like a deer cemented in headlights, and eventually said "sure". So today is a new day. A thankful while hopeful day for the ONE day of peace I had yesterday and for the hope of adding another day today. It is at least a start. Thank you!"

Take Care,

D.

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E-book is proving very helpful...

Dear Mark,

I just want to say your ebook is proving very helpful. I am almost 57 (A___) and have an adolescent son my height (14 in May) and another son 13 in August (who's shoulder height). I am a single mother - I agreed to 50/50 childcare on the divorce application 2 years ago, but have been dumped with 90 - 95% childcare, because my ex-husband took off to a place a 2-and -a-half-hour drive away, and sees the sons he wanted, only in holidays and a weekend a month whenever he dictates. When he left our home, and had bought a new place with a new partner BEFORE our divorce application was even lodged, I had the relief that my 'eldest dependent son' had left home. Yes, I was bullied and intimidated into doing everything - earning all the money, paying all the bills, doing the main bulk (deliberate redundancy there) of childcare (getting children to school en route to my job) and housework. And burning out. I see from your book I was the over-indulgent wife. Yes, indeed (due to intimidation, and his lack of educational skills, I think.)

And my ex-husband, March 2 is now in my elder son. I have no family in this city, all 5 uncles are in different countries, both grand-dads are dead, the father is a long way away, there are no male first cousins, so all in all I lack on-the-spot male role models for my sons, other than their school teachers. I tried to get them into scouting, but my ex-husband who actually was an Assistant Scout Leader, and scout-leadered other people's sons, just took off 3 months after our separation and ignored that request / necessity. There was a scout club hardly one kilometre from where his first flat was...OK, it sucks. I feel sad for my sons on this one, but without a car, can't do anything about it.

I bought your book last Friday, and we started a new era of parenting. I think I'm the HERO and the lost child - the one that hid in poplar trees, away from her father's almighty painful excessive use of the cane. I write peaceful music, and publish CDs and sheet music. That strong side of me has continued unabated throughout this pattern, I now see from your wise book, of being bullied and intimidated.

Today I refused to write my son a note to his history teacher asking for an extension. He's had 3 days to do it. My heart has become poker-faced, knowing I have to develop my sons' educational paths (which I accepted, and knew my marriage would disappear in order to achieve it) but now I'm aware I have to face up to the social / behavioural training for them as well to be acceptable to society. I know my elder son is pulling away from me - yes, I'm fired as the manager - and this is utterly necessary, but from now on, rather than my reacting to the bad manners (e.g. throwing an envelope on the floor at my feet - for school photos) and insisting on good manners, I have to PROACTIVELY set the limits and my expectations. And do the cheating - of positive verbal affirmation when things done well - which I have always done to a large extent, just like to the pets.

I will be reading up on Parent Traps at lunchtime. You can see I'm basically 2 generations older than my sons, with no family support anywhere around - the 2 grandmas are in a different country. It's good to have your invitation to on the odd occasion say how useful your material is. I used to be a high school teacher, and knew theoretically about Tough Love - even recommended it to the parents of out-of-control kids who ended up as suspensions on the school I was at. Now, I'm learning about the social necessity for this (gentler) form of Tough Love myself. Vital. There's a Big Brother Big Sister network I've found - my sons don't want anything to do with it, but as Mum, I've decided I do! So, that will be underway today. Google is very helpful.

Thanks,

K.

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House Rules Contract: Cell Phones

"Many thanks for the work that you have done. We are making progress with our teen son. Please advise if you have any home rule teen contract templates that you can share? Please advise any guidelines on cell phones?"

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Hi J.,

Re: home rule teen contract templates—

A Home Rules Contract is a written set of expectations that adults have of their teens (and preteens). The contract includes basic rules, consequences and privileges.

The primary purpose of a Home Rules Contract is for teens to be held accountable for their behavior while allowing parents to maintain a reasonable amount of control. A Home Rules Contract will teach teens that there are consequences to breaking rules, the knowledge of which hopefully will transfer in the teen's mind to school rules as well as the legal system.

A Home Rules Contract will not resolve the issues of feelings and emotions involved within the relationships between parents and teens. It can only act as a basic agreement that may allow you to work toward a resolution for problem behaviors, minimizing the disruption and interference that can many times occur during the process of getting bad behavior under control and restructuring a family's rules.

We recommend that ALL PARENT FIGURES with whom the teen has contact be involved in the creation and enforcement of the Home Rules Contract. This includes biological parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, custodial persons, non-custodial persons who are responsible for the teens for all or part of a day, and legal guardians. It is very important for divorced parents to put their differences aside and come together for the purposes of creating a unified front for the child, so that one parent does not end up sabotaging another's efforts to bring the child's bad behavior under control. Kids will manipulate and undermine parents who are at odds with each other, but will conform much more readily to a unified front. 

 

Even if the divorced parents do not agree on other issues, it is tremendously important for them to agree on how to manage an out-of-control teen. In situations in which two divorced parents really don't get along, the Home Rules Contract can sometimes best be accomplished with the help of a third party, such as a qualified therapist. Again, parents must put aside their differences for the sake of their wayward teen!!

 

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Other adults who may be present in the home but are not actively involved in limit setting and the process of raising the teen should be excluded; for example, an aunt or uncle who is staying with the family. Adults will tend to have different expectations of a teen depending upon their own outlook, and many times, adults who are not ultimately responsible for the teen may not enforce the rules and consequences which you are taking the time to carefully plan, in essence, undermining and making your contract ineffective.

ALL TEENAGERS AND PRETEENS in the family should be included in the Home Rules Contract. In order to be effective, all children need to see the Home Rules Contract as fair. Therefore, it may not work to single out the child with the bad behaviors and exclude siblings, as the offending child will see it as unfair and will most likely refuse to follow it. If the compliant siblings protest their involvement as they are already following the rules, remind them that this is a family effort and they are part of the family. They can be told that since they are already following the rules, this home contract should be a piece of cake for them and that you value their input. By including all siblings, you are firmly establishing the fact that you are a FAMILY, and that getting the family to work as a functioning unit requires the input and cooperation of each family member. This also establishes that children of all ages need to be held accountable for their behavior.

A copy of the blank Home Rules Contract should be given to every person who will ultimately be signing the contract, including the teens and preteens, for them to fill out with rules, consequences and rewards they feel are appropriate for the Home Rules Contract. Teens who feel that they are being heard by their parents and are allowed to participate in this process are far more likely to be compliant than those who are handed a set of rules and told "Do it or else." Parents are often amazed at what rules the teens think they should be following and at the severity of punishments they assign for themselves. Many parents have had to actually decrease the punishments that the teen has stated he or she should have for not following certain rules. 

 

Other parents have found that their kids will think of very important items that they, the parents, didn't even consider or overlooked. When kids contribute significantly to a good working contract, their contributions should be openly acknowledged and/or praised. It should be cautioned that parents should go over their childrens' suggestions alone, before presenting them to the family, and they should eliminate those suggestions, which are made with the sole intent of belittling other family members with whom siblings making the suggestions are not getting along.

Sometimes your teen will refuse to participate, and if that's the case, then you may let him know that this contract will be implemented with or without his cooperation, and if he makes the choice not to participate, you fully intend to follow the contract to the letter. If he ultimately doesn't like something that is put in the contract, then that will be his problem because he didn't participate in writing it. Again, the participation of each person in the family who will be involved, if at all possible, is vital to the success of your contract, but don't allow yourself to be undermined by a teen who is threatening non-cooperation!

Your final contract should be the results of negotiation and compromise, taking everybody's ideas into consideration. If the whole idea of a Home Rules Contract threatens to break down when an agreement cannot be reached between two or more parties, particularly parents, the entire family should strongly consider visiting a social worker or family therapist, even if only for one visit, to get an objective third party to help break the log jam and create a Home Contract that everybody can live with. However, some items should not be negotiable, such as a teen demanding a curfew that is later than what the law in your area would allow for his or her particular age group.

Parents should provide progressive consequences for refusal to follow rules and directions. Unfortunately, some parents, in an effort to "get tough" on their wayward teen, will go overboard and ground the child for weeks and weeks for a single incident. The rationale behind punishment should be primarily to offer an unpleasant learning experience so that the teen will learn to correct his own behavior and not repeat the offending action. For most teens, a punishment that consists of weeks of grounding on a first offense is too long and will cause further resentment rather than be a learning experience for the teen.

 

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Steps to Creating a Home Rules Contract:

1. Identify a maximum of five (5) problem behaviors that you feel need to be improved. These behaviors could be priorities, and some should be related to the behaviors that are causing the most problems, i.e., legal problems, school problems, or medical problems (such as illness due to drug abuse or an overdose, or medication compliance issues if the teen is on psychiatric medications such as Ritalin).
2. Specifically identify what the expectation is for each behavior. Be clear and concise when identifying expectations so that there is no chance for a teen to tell you he or she didn't understand the expectation.
• Example: Teen will attend all therapy sessions, including weekly individual and weekly family therapy, and teen will take medication as prescribed).

3. Specifically state what the privileges and consequences will be when a teen is either following the rules or chooses to break the rules. These privileges and consequences should be natural and logical. In other words, when possible, set a consequence that is related to the misbehavior. Be sure you, the parent, are willing and able to enforce the consequences that you set or your contract will be worthless.
   Example (for the expected behavior listed above):
• Consequence: Teen will not be given any privileges until he complies
  (car, phone, TV, radio, going out with friends, etc.) THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
• Privilege: Teen will earn parents' trust and be better equipped to cope with stresses.

4. Set a date that the contract may be revised and/or negotiated. Renegotiation is based on the amount of progress. Inform teen that he/she may earn more or fewer privileges based on behavior in the interim. Encourage dialogue with your teen regarding privileges he or she may want to earn in the future.
5. VERY IMPORTANT - Consult with other parental figures to make sure that ALL ARE IN AGREEMENT AND WILLING TO ENFORCE THE CONTRACT AS WRITTEN. If parental figures do not agree on some of the items, it is imperative to make the necessary revisions to come to an agreement. Again, a qualified therapist may be able to help you get over the hurdles of differing opinions.

A Sample Contract with three items is included below. The items below are only suggestions to get you started. Parents must take their own individual circumstances and priorities into account when setting up the individual items in a Home Rules Contract. Some items that might be considered priorities, other than those listed below, might include profanity or abusive language towards other family members, homework issues for students with poor grades, and violent behavior towards family members, including pushing, shoving, and slapping.

A list of possible priorities to include in a Home Rules Contract includes:

1. Curfew
   
2. Chores
3. School behavior and grades
4. Smoking
5. Telephone use
6. Computer use
7. Use of the car
8. Alcohol/drug use
9. Expression of anger or violence, including profanity
10. Conflict resolution (helpful when two siblings are at each other's throats)
11. Running away
12. Medication issues and compliance (for those who take regular medicines, such as Ritalin)
13. Attendance at therapy sessions

NOTE: For the safety of everybody involved, police should be called for ALL violent episodes that occur on the part of the teen with the perceived intent of injuring a family member or destroying property that belongs to other family members. Violence that has no consequences will continue to escalate and could eventually result in a serious incident, so this type of behavior needs to be halted immediately by allowing the teen to experience serious consequences for the violent behavior (police, charges and possible court date). 

 

It sounds harsh to call the police on your own child, but it is better to have the teen learn from you that violence will never be tolerated, and that this behavior is absolutely forbidden, than for your teen to wind up in jail down the road because he never had any consequences for violence at home. An old saying states that if a parent does not properly discipline a child, eventually society will do the disciplining.

 

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SAMPLE CONTRACT:

1. Teen will not use any alcohol or drugs.
• Consequence: Teen will be grounded for one week. Grounding consists of: staying home, no friends as guests, no phone calls, etc. etc.) Punishment will increase one week for each subsequent offense (i.e., if teen is caught using substances a second time, punishment will be for two weeks, etc.)
  
  Note: It is VERY important to clearly state what being grounded consists of so that there are no avenues for manipulation by the teen to get out of the punishment).
• Privilege: Teen will be allowed to continue going out with friends and may have continued use of the car.

2. Teen is expected to return home immediately after school except if prior arrangements are made with parents. Teen will inform parents where he/she is going and will be home by 8:00 p.m. on school nights and 11:00 p.m. on nonschool nights.

• Consequence: Teen will be expected to come home twice as early as he was late for one week. (e.g., if 30 minutes late, then curfew will be one hour earlier for the next week).
• Privilege: Teen will maintain current curfew and gain trust (some parents may want to allow their teen to work his/her way up to a later curfew by proving himself or herself, but parents should never set a curfew later than the legal curfew in their area).

3. Teen will perform all assigned chores in a satisfactory manner, according to the standards set by parents.
   (It is helpful to provide a written list of daily chores so there is no misunderstanding - a dry-erase marker board hung in the kitchen or other family area works great for this purpose).

• Consequence: Teen will not be allowed any privileges until required chores are completed, including TV, radio, computer, having friends visit or going out with friends.
  
• Privilege: Teen will maintain access to all privileges of the house, including watching TV, using the computer, having friends visit, and going out with friends.

In summary, a Home Rules Contract that has been carefully thought out and agreed to by all parties can provide much structure to a teen who is having difficulty staying out of trouble.

A Blank Home Rules contract for you to get started is provided by clicking on the below link. 

View and Print a Blank Home Rules Contract

Re: guidelines on cell phones—

Over 94% of parents agree that cellular phones are good for teens (according to a survey conducted by AT&T with parents and teens in LA and New York). Most teens have their very first cell phones by the age of 15 and in many cases 13. Like with all mod cons teenagers want them but they should be used in a practical manner.

Paying for the cellular phone is one thing but the on going costs thereafter tends to cost some friction in households. If you are the parent who insists that your son or daughter has a cell phone then understandable you should pay the bill once it’s within reason.

Teens who insist on having a cell phone should pay some part of the bill with their weekly allowance that you give them. Teens who are left without any supervision on bill phones will run riot and it will be you who foots out the bill. Even if you have the money to pay the bill monthly no matter how high you should draw the line, you may not always be there to pay for everything. Prepaid cell phones are a good idea to keep the expense down, the calls are more expensive to make on these phones but you can only make the calls once the credit is there. It is a great way for teenagers to learn about financial management of their own bills.

Camera cell phones are more popular with teens for the obvious reasons. It’s easy to use and fool around with and let’s face it they are harmless fun. There is a downside to having the camera phone and that’s the ongoing cost. If the phone is prepaid it’s simply, you can only text friends photo’s when you have the credit but if the phone is linked to monthly bill payments camera phones are by far the more expensive to operate. If your teen insists on sending SMS via the camera phone, why not encourage them to do so through email. Simply connect the phone to the PC via a usb cable (normally supplied with the phone), upload the photo’s and with broadband in most area’s email is much cheaper.

Knowing that your son or daughter is safe and sound is priceless. If ever they need your help you are only a phone call away. With many late teens driving cell phones are a necessity, let’s face it most cannot even change a puncture. Please remember if you allow your teen a cell phone in the car, make sure you or they purchase a hands free kit or earpiece. Teens have so many things to talk about and can get so wrapped up in conversation that the driving aspect takes a backseat. For a few more dollars play safe.

We live in a world of technology and it’s going to keep growing at a rapid pace, all teenagers are curious. Once you have gotten over the argument of bill payment your teen will be fine, they may overindulge on the first bill or two but by confiscating the cell phone for a day or two will soon teach them the importance of money management. You will always know where they are and from the sound of their voice on the other end of the phone your mind will be put at ease.

Family plans from cell phone carriers such as AT&T are ideal if there is more than one cell phone in the household. It helps keep the costs down and maximize the free talk-time minutes per month. If one person is not using up the free minutes the other can before they are lost. Some cell phone carriers are offering rollover minutes. Rollover minutes allow all the used free minutes from one-month travel over to the next so you are not losing out.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

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Discipline That Make a Bad Problem Worse

D___ is beyond out of control. He is still grounded from his ps4 and computer until he has completed his 10 day sentence to alternative school (he tries constantly to get them back- just for 1hr cause I am being good type deal). But the real issue is at school. He is in alternative school right now and the teacher today says D___ is being so bad that if he does not stop they are going to have the police write him a ticket!!!! This is up to a 500.00 fine that I DO NOT HAVE OR WILL EVER HAVE and WILL NOT PAY so i don't know what happens then?? !! The teacher asked him to stop talking and D___ says she has no right to take away his freedom of speech, he refuses to do this work, told the teacher she is horrible at her job! HE IS A NIGHTMARE. I got him on the phone and told him he had better keep his &%&)%$(&)^% mouth shut and i mean NOW! So what do I do know that I blew it again? Strip his room to a mattress and make him earn every piece back? Or take everything and give it all back when he is done with this school or what? I still have no idea what the heck I am doing. All I know is he is killing me. I am so upset. 

Click here for my response...

Guide for Teachers

Mark,

Would you have any information for teachers and how they can deal with out of control students?

Thanks in advance,

Ms. Margy

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Hi Ms. Margy,

Yes. Here’s a “Guide for Teachers”:

Guide for Teachers--

I. Brief Overview

A. Present main points from:
Behavior Problems: What's a School to Do? - Excerpted from Addressing Barriers to Learning Newlsetter.

1. Refer to the outline entitled Intervention Focus in Dealing with Misbehavior for a concise description of strategies for managing misbehavior before, during and after its occurrence.

2. Utilize the Logical Consequences section to discuss the nature and rationale for implementing consequences, as well as a review of appropriate guidelines for using discipline in the classroom.

B. Labeling Troubled and Troubling Youth: The Name Game - Excerpted from Addressing Barriers to Learning Newlsetter, Vol. 1(3), Summer 1996.

§ Refer to this document to provide a theoretical framework for understanding, identifying and diagnosing various behavioral, emotional and learning problems. This framework accounts for both individual and environmental contributions to problem behavior.

II. Fact Sheets

A. The Broad Continuum of Conduct and Behavioral Problems - Excerpted from The Classification of Child and Adolescent Mental Diagnoses in Primary Care, American Academy of Pediatrics (1996). Excerpted from a Center Guidebook entitled: Common Psychosocial Problems of School Aged Youth, pp. III B-5 (1999) and a Center Introductory Packet entitled: conduct and Behavior Problems: Intervention and Resources for School Aged Youth (1999).

0. This document serves as an additional resource for understanding and identifying variations in the nature and severity of behavior problems.

1. This document should be referenced for additional information on variations in the manifestation of specific problem behaviors at different stages of development (infancy through adolescence).

B. Conduct Disorder in Children and Adolescents - Center for Mental Health Services Fact Sheet ( http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/CA-0010/default.asp).

0. Note the section titled What Are the Signs of Conduct Disorder, which lists the symptoms of Conduct Disorder. These signal more severe problems that must be addressed.

1. Because families may look to teachers or school counselors for help and/or referrals for their child, it is important to know what resources exist. The section What Help Is Available for Families? may be helpful in generating ideas about referral interventions.

C. Fact Sheet: Oppositional Defiant Disorder - Excerpted from a Center Introductory Packet entitled: Conduct and Behavior Problems in School Aged Youth, pp. 113 (1999). As adapted from an Ask NOAH About: Mental Health Fact Sheet: Oppositional Defiant Disorder, The New York Hospital / Cornell Medical Center. ( http://www.noah-health.org/english/illness/mentalhealth/cornell/conditions/odd.html).

0. Note the section titled Symptoms, which covers symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

1. Ideas for interventions might be found in the section titled Treatment, and families can be encouraged to use the principles listed under Self-Management.

D. Children and Adolescents with Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder Center for Mental Health Services Fact Sheet ( http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/CA-0008/default.asp).

0. Note the section titled What Are the Signs of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, which lists the symptoms of ADHD.

1. Again, the section What Help Is Available for Families? may be helpful in generating ideas about referral interventions.

III. Tools/Handouts

A. What is a Behavioral Initiative? - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: Behavioral Initiatives in Broad Perspective, Center for Mental Health in Schools (1998).

§ A brief overview of what a "behavioral initiative" is and why taking a proactive approach to behavior management is necessary under the reauthorization of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).

B. School-Wide Behavioral Management Systems - Excerpted from an ERIC Digest by Mary K. Fitzsimmons.

0. Note that one of the main points of the article is that effective behavioral management requires a system that will "provide opportunities for all children to learn self-discipline." Thus, the focus is not on discipline strategies.

1. Reinforce the points made by Tim Lewis of the University of Missouri (at the bottom of page 1). Objectives need to be realistic, need-based, and accompanied by multiple levels of support.

2. The section titled Common Features of School-Wide Behavioral Management Systems can be used to generate discussion about encouraging commitment to a school-wide program incorporating a code of conduct and social/emotional skills instruction.

C. Student's Perspectives / Addressing Underlying Motivation to Change - Excerpted from a Guidebook entitled: What Schools Can Do to Welcome and Meet the Needs of All Students, Unit VI, pp 16-17 and Unit VII, pp. 23-28. Center for Mental Health in Schools (1997).

0. This resource addresses the question "why?" in the discussion of students' problem behaviors. It also provides a list of assessment questions to guide understanding of the problem when it occurs.

1. An assessment tool is provided as a guide in the assessment of problems from the student's point of view. This tool comes in one form for young children, and another form for all other children and youth.

IV. Model Programs

A. Social Skills Training (Examples): - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: A Sampling of Outcome Findings from Interventions Relevant to Addressing Barriers to Learning, Center for Mental Health in Schools.

B. Violence Prevention and School Safety - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: A Sampling of Outcome Findings from Interventions Relevant to Addressing Barriers to Learning, Center for Mental Health in Schools.

C. Excerpts from: Building on the Best, Learning What Works: A Few Promising Discipline and Violence Prevention Programs - Excerpted from American Federation of Teachers (2000). ( http://www.aft.org/pubs-reports/downloads/teachers/wwdiscipline.pdf)

V. Additional Resources

o QuickFinds related to Behavior Problems at School:

0. Anger Management

1. Bullying

2. Classroom Management

3. Conduct Disorders & Behavior Problems

4. Oppositional Defiant Disorder

5. Safe Schools and Violence Prevention

VI. Originals for Overheads

The following can be copied to overhead transparencies to assist in presenting this material.

o Behavior Problems: What's a School to Do?

o Labeling Troubled and Troubling Youth: The Name Game

o Addressing the Full Range of Problems

o Interconnected Systems for Meeting the Needs of All Students

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Refine - Refine - Refine

Hi Mark,

I have a son, N____, who is 6yrs and has been a great challenge for us as parents particularly from around the age of 1. He had very wild tantrums through the years quite often. Jumping to the present time I am grateful for the insight my friend and psychologist has given me about him. He informed me about ODD – oppositional defiant disorder and gave me website to check out. This brought me to you and I purchased your e-book and have been working my way through it. But I find it seems to be referring to older children, which may be connected as to why he is not responding to my attempts.

He is extremely strong willed and determined to be in control. He is very defiant and rebellious and breaks the discipline. I admit I have not been so good at keeping emotion out of my responses to him or not arguing with him. But we are at crisis point and don’t know what to do. We changed track with him the other night when my husband put him to bed early without dinner! He hated that but got up the next morning with the same behaviour.

We have 4 children – 21, 19, 15 and 6. 1st and 3rd child are quite easy going but the 2nd child has always been a burden for us. It is only recently that she has been diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder and ODD. She is currently in a clinic for help. All my children have been born premature and the 2nd and last child born 5 and 6 weeks early. Now I am aware of mild learning disorders in the family. Nathan has Hyperlexia and is starting classes relating to this. His difficult behaviour is off and on. It comes in waves. Sometimes he is very delightful for weeks and then its back on for weeks. This bad patch has been going on a few weeks since going back to school after the holidays.

What are your thoughts and feelings toward these details I have shared Mark?

Regards,

E.

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Hi E.,

The strategies in the eBook apply to children between the ages of 3 and 17. I doubt that his lack of “responding” is due to the age-appropriateness of the program. The goals of this program are to (a) foster the development of self-reliance in the child and (b) provide intensity (e.g., attention, interest, energy) ONLY when the child is behaving according to expectations. Thus, age is not the important issue here.

I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in My Out-of-Control Child eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure."

For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

1. Are you asking your son at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in his life? (page 20 of the printable version of eBook)

2. Are you saying to him "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return? (page 20)

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out? (page 20)

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes? (page 25)

5. Do you use "The The Art of Saying - and Sticking With - No" whenever your answer is no? (page 25)

6. Do you catch him in the act of doing something right at least once each day? (page 25)

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed? (page 31)

8. Do you give him at least one chore each day? (page 31)

9. Do you find something fun to do with him each week? (page 54)

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up? (bottom of page 50)

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?"

If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is he EARNING ALL of his stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle" - page 19)

13. Have you listened to ALL the audio in the Online Version of the eBook?

14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”

15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Don’t give up just yet. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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