The issue of smoking in the bedroom...

Hi Mark,

I've just subscribed to the e-book a couple of days ago so I haven't got very far. We've started assignment 1. I'm looking for advise on how to handle the issue of smoking in the bedroom. My 16 year old daughter, A has been smoking for probably a year and has always hidden it from us. Whenever I questioned her about smelling of smoke in the past, she would always say that it was because she was hanging around her friends who smoke. In the last 6 months, we've caught her with cigarettes in her bag and drawers and she has always made the excuse that she was hanging on to them for her friends who didn't want their parents to know to which we've said that that is their responsibility, not hers.

In the last month, she is doing it openly in the backyard and has told us that she has no intention of quitting and that we just have to accept it. The last straw was when she started smoking in her room. I wrote her a note (as I find it hard to talk to her these days as all I get back is profanity) explaining that her dad, brother and I do not smoke and do not appreciate the smell in our house so smoking in her room will not be tolerated and that if she had to do it then she needs to have some consideration for us and do it outside.

I think she's lashing out because we locked her window (she was sneaking out at night and during the day) so she couldn't blow the smoke out her window. We are a family who live a healthy lifestyle and the message to her is that we will never accept her smoking.

I would like your advice on how to approach this situation or do you think that it's one of those things that should be ignored for now because there are other more challenging ones to deal with such as skipping school, disappearing and not returning till 3 am on a school night, wanting to move out, etc.

Thanks for listening, J.

Click here for my response...

"We found out she was drinking by reading her texts..."

Hi B.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email for my responses: ===>

Hi Mark, First of all I can't tell you what a blessing your website has been to me. I was literally on the floor crying and praying that I would find something, someone to help me with my teenage daughter. I then got on the internet and typed in teen parenting and found your website. What a lifesaver it has been for me. 

Thank you so much. Now, the problem I am currently having is....you say to only do one lesson a week. That would be okay but I feel like I'm in panic mode. I need to learn all this stuff really fast so I can start implementing it asap before my daughter totally loses it.

===> Only do one session per week. When parents implement a bunch of new changes overnight, it is often the kiss of failure.

Just to give you some background......she is a 16 year old girl who has decided overnight it seems that life is boring and she needs to spice things up a bit by hanging out with new friends, drinking, totally disrespecting us as parents, etc..... She is in full force rebellion.

When we (my husband and I) found out she was drinking (by reading her texts) we grounded her for a month.

===> As you’ll discover when you get entirely through the program, 7 days is the absolute most you should ground – but 3 days works best! I’m not going elaborate since this is all covered in the eBook.

Now my life is hell. She hates me and has said some very hurtful things to me. I don't like the kids she's now hanging out with, she doesn't want to go to church anymore. She has changed overnight. I know she's planning on sneaking out and/or running away. I took your parenting test and am sad to say I scored a 90.....I've been way too overindulgent. She's the only girl of 4 boys and has been the princess of the house. Now I'm trying to change everything and I am so stressed out. I've been good about not showing my emotions to her but inside I'm a mess.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

===> Peer group influence falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. You will do well to discern what things you can and cannot control …and then focus on those things you can control. Who she is “hanging with” is beyond your control (unless you want to lock her up somewhere). 

So I guess the questions I have are.....Was I wrong for reading her texts? Should I continue to do so?

===> Given the severity of the situation, you have permission to "snoop".

I have now lost all trust in her cause she lies constantly so I feel the need to read them so I can know the truth of what she's up to.

===> The larger issue here (as you will discover) is: What is she doing to EARN cell phone privileges?

Also, is a month too long a punishment for drinking?

===> Without a doubt.

And should I forbid her to see these friends?

===> You won’t be able to sufficiently control this.

What if she does sneak out?

===> Warn her up front that if she sneaks out, you will file a runaway charge.

There's one boy in particular that I'm afraid she'll end up having sex with based on their conversations and right now that's the last thing I need.

===> The only person she will truly listen to will be another female (younger than 21-years of age) who got pregnant at an early age. If you know anyone like this, maybe she can fill your daughter in on the huge responsibility associated with early pregnancy (e.g., immature father who bails out of the relationship due to the stress involved; financial strain; inability to further education, etc.).

Stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Am I doing this correctly?

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your wonderful programme. I have a 13 year old son who is not only strong willed but also bright. I have struggled for years with him using conventional methods, which have never worked and I could not figure out why. Just hearing you say that the conventional methods for "normal" kids do not work on the strong willed child was a relief for me!! Thank you so much for saying that.

My husband and I are now realising - because of what you have said about the fact that these kids want to zap your energy and get you mad and annoy you etc that this is exactly what this child loves to do!! We have been feeling like we are going under for some time. I really want this method to work because I do not know what else to do! I am using the fair fighting method - not necessarily the time out though - for all instances of disrespect, swearing at me, talking over me etc. Would that be right to do or should I only use that method when he is mad and give him time out first? He argues every point and will not do as he is told in most instances. He has already told me that "this method, whatever it is is not working. Don't treat me like a baby, I will not say back to you what you have just said etc and on and on it goes. I then go back to stating the "When you, I feel etc in a calm voice until he gives me the answers that are required.

Am I doing this correctly? I really appreciate you help and it is great to have someone to talk to regarding this so I can get it right and reap the benefits.

Thanks J.

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Hi J.,

Re: I am using the fair fighting method…

As I think I mentioned on that page in the audio part, this method is best used for prepubescent children (before puberty). I would not recommend using it with a 13-year-old.

The strategy that will work best in the situation you described is in the Anger Management Chapter – but you should not use that technique until week #3! You just signed-up yesterday.

Please only do session #1, along with session #1 assignments this week – nothing more for now.

Stay in touch. Thank you for working the program as intended.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teens and Sexual Promiscuity

"Why do younger teenagers nowadays start having sex in the first place? How do I even approach this topic with my daughter? She just says that 'everyone does it -- it's no big deal'. When I was a teenager, I would never even think about having sex with my boyfriend at the time. I guess this shows how old I am."

The topic of sexuality and teens often makes moms and dads - and adolescents - uncomfortable. It can be difficult to even broach the subject of sexuality, and even more difficult should the mother or father suspect their teenager is sexually promiscuous. 

 

Few moms and dads want to confront the issues of sexual promiscuity or inappropriate sexual behavior in their kids, yet avoiding such behavioral problems can be as risky as the behaviors themselves. Not only does sexual promiscuity cause serious health risks to your teenager, it can damage self-esteem and emotional health as well.

Adolescents often partake in risk-taking behaviors. This seems to be a common theme among teens, but it can become a serious issue in troubled teens. Sex may become an outlet for a struggling adolescent's frustrations, much in the same way drugs and alcohol serve as an outlet. In this way, sex becomes a drug, a way to escape feelings and emotional confusion. However, as with any drug, there is a backlash. Any adolescent who is acting out sexually will begin to feel a diminished sense of value and self-esteem.

In some cases, sex can be used as a weapon or defense. A teen might see promiscuous sex as a way of showing the parent that he or she is "free," a grown-up, someone who can "do whatever" they want to do. Allowing a teenager to continue to see sex in such an emotionally immature and self-destructive manner can lead to long-term problems with intimate relationships.

Environment, age of partner and perceived family support may affect young people's decisions to have sex. While the media bombards us with alarming statistics about the number of teenagers having sex, few reports shed light on what might encourage teens to become sexually active in the first place. Three studies offer some insight into sexually active teens: environment, age of partner and perceived family support may affect young people's decisions to have sex.

In a study presented at a meeting of the American Public Health Association (APHA), researchers at the University of Kentucky followed 950 teenagers at 17 high schools in Kentucky and Ohio from 9th to 11th grades. They found evidence that teens who have intercourse tend to think their friends are too, even if they're not. "You're 2.5 times more likely to have sex by the 9th grade if you think your friends are having sex -- whether or not they really are," says Katharine Atwood, assistant professor at the Kentucky School of Public Health. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 

 

Plus, teens tended to overestimate how many of their friends were sexually active. Only 33 percent of kids in the study had had sex by the 9th grade, but 31 percent said that most or all of their friends had had sex. "If you can persuade them that fewer are having sex than they think," she says, "that can have a significant impact on their behavior."

Among young girls, a partner's age is a risk factor for sexual activity. "The younger the girl is at the age of first intercourse, the more likely she is to have a much older partner," says Harold Leitenberg, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Vermont. His study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, found that of 4,201 girls in 8th through 12th grades, those who lost their virginity between ages 11 and 12 tended to have partners five or more years older. 

 

For girls who had sex later in adolescence, the partner's age disparity was much smaller. Early sexual initiation was also associated with a number of behavioral problems. "Ignoring the age of the partners, the earlier a girl was when she first had intercourse, the greater her risk of suicide attempts, alcohol use, drug abuse, truancy and pregnancy," Leitenberg says.

The good news is that while teen sex may not be wholly preventable, the health risks it involves can be reduced through communication within the family. More research presented at the APHA meeting showed that frequent parent-child discussions about sex and its dangers may prevent teenagers from engaging in risky sexual behavior. 

 

Researchers at Emory University questioned 522 sexually active African-American adolescents about the openness and support that their families provided. Adolescents who felt that their families were more supportive were less likely to have unprotected sex, and thus were at a lesser risk for pregnancy and disease.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What is the recommended reward/consequence for academic grades?

Dear Mark.......your Out-of-Control guidelines have been invaluable to me and my wife. We have developed a home rules contract and we are trying to put your guidelines into action.

Question: What is the recommended reward / consequence for academic grades? Our son is underachieving in the 8th grade. He is capable of doing better.

Many thanks in advance, JL

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Hi J.,

The recommendations depend greatly on (a) whether or not poor academic performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict and (b) whether or not the child has a history of poor academic performance.

If poor academic performance is NOT an ongoing source of parent-child conflict -- and if your son does NOT have a history of poor academic performance, then refer to YOUR CHILD'S ACADEMIC SUCCESS <== click…

If poor academic performance IS an ongoing source of parent-child conflict -- and if your son DOES have a history of poor academic performance, then refer to the section of the eBook that addresses this subject ==> EMAILS FROM WORRIED & EXASPERATED PARENTS

Mark

Things have got dramatically worse in the last 2 weeks...

Hi J.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email below: ==>

Hi Mark,

Things have got dramatically worse in the last 2 weeks.

==> Good – you are on track! As you hopefully learned from Session #1, things do get worse before they get better (unless the parent employs half measures). This is expected because kids, by nature, resist change and try very hard to convince the parent that she/he will never “win.”

First my son is excluded from school, he is not supposed to go out of the house in school hours, but wont listen and goes out of the house when he feels like it and comes home when he is ready, he wont answer his cell phone when he is out.

==> Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

It sounds like you really need to kick up the “tough love” a few notches. Are you ready? Here goes!

If he leaves without permission, this is the perfect time to remove everything from his room – including the bedroom door. Leave the heavy furniture. Also, he should not have his cell phone either since he is abusing the privilege. When he successfully completes a 3-day-discipline as outlined in the chapter listed above, he gets all his stuff back. I know this sounds drastic – and it does take some physical effort on your part, but this is serious – no half measures!

He hangs around with a gang of boys and they ride mopeds up and down the street.

==> This one falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. I don’t think you’ll be able to control who he “hangs around.”

Last weekend he spent £200 and I dont know where he got it from and he wont say.

==> Unfortunately, you don’t have any evidence that he is stealing – and you can’t force him to tell you anything. When you get some evidence, then you can call police and file a complaint.

He is constantly rude and disrespectful when he comes in and tells me dont talk to him or to shut up.

He grabs things away from me, like my car keys or phone if I dont let him have what he wants.

==> Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

I have to lock everything of mine up so he doesnt take it.

I have tried to ground him, but he wont stay in.

I have taken away the computer and his xbox but he doesnt care because he is not in to use them.

==> He values his freedom. So this is the area you need to focus on. How can you withhold his freedom to run? Be creative. Involve authorities if need be.

I am tired and not sleeping properly constantly trying to think what to do and when it will end.

I am sticking to the programme but to no avail as he wont earn any money for chores, because he is getting money from elsewhere and my money isnt enough for him. He says he can get more from other places.

==> To no avail YET. I noticed from your invoice that you are only into week #2 of the program. You’re only halfway through.

You didn’t say how old your son is. For the sake of discussion, let’s say he’s 16-years-old. It has taken 16 years for the problems to get to this point. Therefore, it is going to take more than 2 weeks to get the problems resolved.

But he constantly asks me to tell social services I dont want him so he can live somewhere else.

==> More manipulation on his part.

He throws things at me when I dont argue with him to try and get a response, and he still doesnt get one, more than the ones in the programme.

==> This is battery. Why are you not calling authorities and filing complaints? Are you trying to save him from legal consequences? If so, then you’re not working the program. I can see now that you will have to take a more proactive stance with this son.

I give him the consequences and he wont accept them.

==> Then he may need to consider living elsewhere.

He also says he is not going back to school next week when he is due there.

==> That’s his choice – which will have (or certainly should have) serious consequences.

I am struggling here, what do I do??????????????

==> Get tough as outlined above. You’re in a tough spot right now. You will have to decide whether or not you will take the easy route (in which case, the tail will continue to wag the dog) or take a more proactive route (in which case, your assertive approach will eventually effect positive change).

There are no simple solutions, but when the parent hunkers down and really gets serious with this program – amazing things begin to happen.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Many more positives here than negatives...

Mark,

Thanks so much for getting back in touch.

It was very tough to arrest him BUT we did what we had to do with the information on hand. The lesson here is that he does not remember how he got there. He woke up in jail and all he remembered was that he had been with his friends the night before.. We left him in jail as long as we could so he had all of that time to think about how he got there. It scared him really bad. He got a misdemeanor charge of being under the influence as a minor and has a court date in April. He will be on Probation for 6 months-have to take drug tests , etc. He has already been through this when he was 17.

==> This is good. Now he's got a lot of accountability again.

He just turned 18 in February.

We are divorced . He had been living with me for over a year and just at his Dad's for about a month. After this, he asked if he could come back to my house. And...here were my circumstances:

No friends over-I'm trying to sell my house.
Respect me and my house
He would have to get evaluated.
No drugs, etc. over here.

==> Good!!

We went for an evaluation on Wednesday and he was honest and cooperative. They just said he needed some Outpatient Therapy-like a counselor-which we have already done in the past 3 times.

So far, 3 days later...I smelled pot this morning at 3AM.

==> I think he needs IOP. You described a black-out earlier.

He dropped out of high school his Sr year and just got his GED in December.

==> That's fine. A GED is a very respectable degree.

He got this the same day his best and oldest friend died in his sleep at the age of 18. They do not know why yet. This has devastated him.

He has been accepted to two Jr Colleges and really wants to go. He just started a job yesterday but needs more hours.

==> GREAT!

He has not been driving for 6 months as he had too many points. He is now eligible to get his license this month. His car needed repairs so it is in the shop.

In the past 6 months, we have given him no money. We will not send him to college until he shows us he can work consistently and show responsibility. For his 18th birthday, we are repairing the car. He has to take a Defensive Class before he can get his car and he must pay for that.

==> ALL GOOD! Many more positives here than negatives. I'm encouraged. I hope you are.

==> He'll do just fine eventually. He's a late bloomer - for sure.

Mark

Online Parent Support