He became involved in recreational drugs...

Dear Mark

Thanks very much for sending the parenting sessions through. I have read and watched most of the sessions now and see how they can be effective. Our situation is that my son C (although never completely diagnosed) I have always felt shows signs of ADHD. He has always been immature in comparison to his peers but none the less feels that he is and should be treated as an adult.

As soon as he was 16 he decided that he wanted to leave home and since that time we have had one disaster after another. He became involved in recreational drugs but within a space of about 8 months was doing them to such a large degree he started to have psychotic episodes and now suffers from residual paranoia. He (I believe) has not taken anything now since about last October and is under the supervision of the Early Intervention Team for Psychosis and is taking an anti psychotic medication.

In the last 18 months he has started to take his A Levels twice, the first time dropped out due to his distractedness with the drug taking and repeatedly leaving home, then last September started at another college to try again and has now had to drop out on medical grounds because of the paranoia. The current situation is that he is at home most of the time, rarely goes out and uses his paranoia as (I feel) an excuse not to have to do anything that he does not want to, (which is most things other than occasionally meeting a friend for a couple of hours). He seems to have made an alternative world for himself on the computer on MSN and online games and if we are not at home I know he can easily spend 10 hours a day on line.

We have tried to help him find alternative interests but is not interested in trying anything so therefore has no other interests. When he was involved in the drugs he became almost obsessed with them and spent most of his time and energy when not taking them finding out as much as he could about them and even now sees this as something that he is proud of as he feels his knowledge on the subject is second to none.

We have another 10 year old son and for obvious reasons we are keen to make the atmosphere at home a happier one as C creates a huge amount of negative energy where he is angry and belligerent and sometimes depressed or swings to being silly, difficult and annoying. C wants to go back to college in September to start a media course but i do not want him to sit at home for the next 4 months as I feel that if he does he will fail again as he will not be ready to cope.

How do I help him to motivate himself to get back into the real world without pushing him before he is ready, and in the meantime differentiate between real fear and his manipulation of the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a very unhappy and frightened young man but seems to see us as the enemy whenever we try to help in any way, although always expects me to be there on demand when he wants something or things go wrong. He still has hopes of going to University so can see a future for himself but does not seem able to understand that he has to put the effort in to get there. He has a very good mind and can be a funny end engaging young man but his anger and resentment are hiding his true nature.

Your thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

Kind Regards

S.

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Hi S.,

You’ve mentioned several problems here. I’ll try to address as many as I can in the time I have.

Re: “alternative world for himself on the computer” —

Obsessively checking e-mail, playing online games for 10 hours or more at a time, placing more value on chat-room friends than real friends neglecting family, work and even personal health and hygiene... these are all symptoms of a new form of addiction that has surfaced only in recent years: computer addiction.

Creating a single definition for computer addiction is difficult because the term actually covers a wide spectrum of addictions. Few people are literally addicted to a computer as a physical object. They become addicted to activities performed on a computer, like instant messaging, viewing Internet pornography, playing video games, checking e-mail and reading news articles. These activities are collectively referred to as Computer Mediated Communication (CMC). Computer addiction focused on Internet use is often called Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD).

The various types of computer addicts have different reasons for their habits. Obsessive chat room use or e-mailing might fill a void of loneliness, while excessive viewing of pornography might stem from relationship problems or childhood abuse. The matter is further complicated by the fact that a computer is a useful tool. It's not like heroin for example -- there are many legitimate reasons why someone might spend hours using a computer. Even if someone uses a computer extensively for purely recreational purposes, that doesn't necessarily represent a real addiction any more than someone who spends hours working on a model train set, making quilts or gardening is "addicted" to those activities. Even the agreed-upon definition of addiction itself has evolved over the decades and remains a matter of debate in the medical community. In fact, the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association do not currently consider computer addiction a valid diagnosis, a controversy we'll discuss later.

As a result of all these complications, any single definition of computer addiction is necessarily broad and a little vague. If the computer use is so pervasive that it interferes with other life activities, and if the user seems unable to stop using the computer to excess despite negative consequences, the problem might be a computer addiction.

Much of our understanding of computer addiction comes from decades of research on other addictions, like alcoholism or gambling addiction. Psychologists have identified several danger signs for computer addiction. Any of these signs would be a red flag, and multiple signs could mean there's a real problem:

·Continued excessive computer use despite incurring negative consequences, such as marital problems or getting in trouble at work due to computer use
·Hiding the extent of computer use from family and friends
·Making conscious efforts to cut back on computer time and repeatedly failing
·Missing events or opportunities or failing at non-computer-related tasks because of time spent on the computer. This could include poor job performance or missing out on family activities
·Staying on the computer for much longer than intended, or not noticing the passage of time while using the computer
·Thinking frequently about the computer when not using it or constantly looking forward to the next opportunity to use it
·Using the computer as an escape when feeling depressed or stressed

Computer addiction can have a variety of negative effects on a person. The most immediate are social. The user withdraws from friends and family as he spends more and more time on the computer. Relationships begin to wither as the user stops attending social gatherings, skips meetings with friends and avoids family members to get more computer time. Even when they do interact with their friends, users may become irritable when away from the computer, causing further social harm.

Eventually, excessive computer use can take an emotional toll. The user gradually withdraws into an artificial world. Constant computer gaming can cause someone to place more emotional value on events within the game than things happening in their real lives. Excessive viewing of Internet pornography can warp a person's ideas about sexuality. Someone whose primary friends are screen names in a chat room may have difficulty with face-to-face interpersonal communication.

Over the long term, computer addiction can cause physical damage. Using a mouse and keyboard for many hours every day can lead to repetitive stress injuries. Back problems are common among people who spent a lot of time sitting at computer desks. Late-night computer sessions cut into much-needed sleep time. Long-term sleep deprivation causes drowsiness, difficulty concentrating, and depression of the immune system. Someone who spends hours at a computer is obviously not getting any meaningful exercise, so computer addiction can indirectly lead to poor overall physical condition and even obesity.

Eventually, the consequences of computer addiction will ripple through the user's life. Late-night use or use at work will affect job performance, which could lead to job loss. As the addiction takes its toll on family members, it can even lead to failed marriages.

If you're looking to curb your son’s computer use, here are some helpful tips:

·Enlist family members to help encourage your son to limit computer use. It might be too difficult to stop on his own.
·Install software to restrict access to Web sites that he visits compulsively. Keep the passwords for the software hidden.
·Make a list of things he could be accomplishing instead of wasting time on the computer, and post it prominently near his monitor.
·Make specific time limits. Set an alarm to go off in one hour and end computer time when it rings.
·Put the computer in a high-traffic area of the house. With others looking over his shoulder all the time, he'll be less likely to overuse the computer.
·Set aside "computer-free" parts of the day. If computer abuse starts after dinner and extends into the night, have him get all his computer work done in the morning – he can’t touch it after dinner.

Re: paranoia—

Are there any family members who have Bipolar Disorder? I would strongly recommend that your son get a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation – if he has not already had one. There may be some underlying mental disorder that needs treatment.

Re: “How do I help him to motivate himself to get back into the real world without pushing him before he is ready, and in the meantime differentiate between real fear and his manipulation of the situation.” —

You need to rule out any possible mental disorders (e.g., bipolar, chemical dependency, schizophrenia, aspergers, etc.). Then you will know whether or not he’s (a) manipulating people or (b) suffering with some form of mental illness.

On a side note, teens who have a genetic predisposition to bipolar or schizophrenia run the risk of “triggering” the disorder if they use hallucinatory chemicals. Also, anti-depressants can trigger bipolar in a child with a genetic predisposition to the disorder. Thus, I would think that an evaluation by a Child-Adolescent Psychiatrist would be paramount.

A less worrisome possibility is that he may simply have a social phobia. Teens with social phobia are less adept in social interactions. Peer relationships, school functioning and attendance, and family functioning all suffer as a result of a social phobia.

Social phobia may have a combination of the symptoms listed below:

·Anxiety attacks when anticipating or attempting social interactions Fearfulness with peers as well as adults
·Avoidance of social situations
·Consistent and extreme fear of situations involving new people
·Depression or thoughts of not wanting to be alive
·Extreme fear of social and performance situations
·Reluctance to participate in ordinary outings or activities
·Severe distress in routine social situations
·Difficulty transitioning from home to school
·Refusal or reluctance to attend school
·Avoidance of activities with peers
·Low self-esteem
·Difficulty concentrating
·Other anxiety disorders, mood disorders such as depression, or behavior disorders such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD
·Behavioral or cognitive side effects from medication
·Learning disorders and cognitive problems

Social phobia is treatable through ongoing interventions provided by a child's medical practitioners, therapists, school staff, and family. These treatments include psychological interventions (counseling), biological interventions (medicines), and accommodations at home and at school that reduce sources of stress for the child. Open, collaborative communication between a child's family, school, and treatment professionals optimizes the care and quality of life for the child with social phobia.

I would be willing to go into more detail regarding treatment of social phobia at a later date if you need more information.

Mark

Online Parent Support

The issue of smoking in the bedroom...

Hi Mark,

I've just subscribed to the e-book a couple of days ago so I haven't got very far. We've started assignment 1. I'm looking for advise on how to handle the issue of smoking in the bedroom. My 16 year old daughter, A has been smoking for probably a year and has always hidden it from us. Whenever I questioned her about smelling of smoke in the past, she would always say that it was because she was hanging around her friends who smoke. In the last 6 months, we've caught her with cigarettes in her bag and drawers and she has always made the excuse that she was hanging on to them for her friends who didn't want their parents to know to which we've said that that is their responsibility, not hers.

In the last month, she is doing it openly in the backyard and has told us that she has no intention of quitting and that we just have to accept it. The last straw was when she started smoking in her room. I wrote her a note (as I find it hard to talk to her these days as all I get back is profanity) explaining that her dad, brother and I do not smoke and do not appreciate the smell in our house so smoking in her room will not be tolerated and that if she had to do it then she needs to have some consideration for us and do it outside.

I think she's lashing out because we locked her window (she was sneaking out at night and during the day) so she couldn't blow the smoke out her window. We are a family who live a healthy lifestyle and the message to her is that we will never accept her smoking.

I would like your advice on how to approach this situation or do you think that it's one of those things that should be ignored for now because there are other more challenging ones to deal with such as skipping school, disappearing and not returning till 3 am on a school night, wanting to move out, etc.

Thanks for listening, J.

Click here for my response...

"We found out she was drinking by reading her texts..."

Hi B.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email for my responses: ===>

Hi Mark, First of all I can't tell you what a blessing your website has been to me. I was literally on the floor crying and praying that I would find something, someone to help me with my teenage daughter. I then got on the internet and typed in teen parenting and found your website. What a lifesaver it has been for me. 

Thank you so much. Now, the problem I am currently having is....you say to only do one lesson a week. That would be okay but I feel like I'm in panic mode. I need to learn all this stuff really fast so I can start implementing it asap before my daughter totally loses it.

===> Only do one session per week. When parents implement a bunch of new changes overnight, it is often the kiss of failure.

Just to give you some background......she is a 16 year old girl who has decided overnight it seems that life is boring and she needs to spice things up a bit by hanging out with new friends, drinking, totally disrespecting us as parents, etc..... She is in full force rebellion.

When we (my husband and I) found out she was drinking (by reading her texts) we grounded her for a month.

===> As you’ll discover when you get entirely through the program, 7 days is the absolute most you should ground – but 3 days works best! I’m not going elaborate since this is all covered in the eBook.

Now my life is hell. She hates me and has said some very hurtful things to me. I don't like the kids she's now hanging out with, she doesn't want to go to church anymore. She has changed overnight. I know she's planning on sneaking out and/or running away. I took your parenting test and am sad to say I scored a 90.....I've been way too overindulgent. She's the only girl of 4 boys and has been the princess of the house. Now I'm trying to change everything and I am so stressed out. I've been good about not showing my emotions to her but inside I'm a mess.

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===> Peer group influence falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. You will do well to discern what things you can and cannot control …and then focus on those things you can control. Who she is “hanging with” is beyond your control (unless you want to lock her up somewhere). 

So I guess the questions I have are.....Was I wrong for reading her texts? Should I continue to do so?

===> Given the severity of the situation, you have permission to "snoop".

I have now lost all trust in her cause she lies constantly so I feel the need to read them so I can know the truth of what she's up to.

===> The larger issue here (as you will discover) is: What is she doing to EARN cell phone privileges?

Also, is a month too long a punishment for drinking?

===> Without a doubt.

And should I forbid her to see these friends?

===> You won’t be able to sufficiently control this.

What if she does sneak out?

===> Warn her up front that if she sneaks out, you will file a runaway charge.

There's one boy in particular that I'm afraid she'll end up having sex with based on their conversations and right now that's the last thing I need.

===> The only person she will truly listen to will be another female (younger than 21-years of age) who got pregnant at an early age. If you know anyone like this, maybe she can fill your daughter in on the huge responsibility associated with early pregnancy (e.g., immature father who bails out of the relationship due to the stress involved; financial strain; inability to further education, etc.).

Stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Am I doing this correctly?

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your wonderful programme. I have a 13 year old son who is not only strong willed but also bright. I have struggled for years with him using conventional methods, which have never worked and I could not figure out why. Just hearing you say that the conventional methods for "normal" kids do not work on the strong willed child was a relief for me!! Thank you so much for saying that.

My husband and I are now realising - because of what you have said about the fact that these kids want to zap your energy and get you mad and annoy you etc that this is exactly what this child loves to do!! We have been feeling like we are going under for some time. I really want this method to work because I do not know what else to do! I am using the fair fighting method - not necessarily the time out though - for all instances of disrespect, swearing at me, talking over me etc. Would that be right to do or should I only use that method when he is mad and give him time out first? He argues every point and will not do as he is told in most instances. He has already told me that "this method, whatever it is is not working. Don't treat me like a baby, I will not say back to you what you have just said etc and on and on it goes. I then go back to stating the "When you, I feel etc in a calm voice until he gives me the answers that are required.

Am I doing this correctly? I really appreciate you help and it is great to have someone to talk to regarding this so I can get it right and reap the benefits.

Thanks J.

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Hi J.,

Re: I am using the fair fighting method…

As I think I mentioned on that page in the audio part, this method is best used for prepubescent children (before puberty). I would not recommend using it with a 13-year-old.

The strategy that will work best in the situation you described is in the Anger Management Chapter – but you should not use that technique until week #3! You just signed-up yesterday.

Please only do session #1, along with session #1 assignments this week – nothing more for now.

Stay in touch. Thank you for working the program as intended.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teens and Sexual Promiscuity

"Why do younger teenagers nowadays start having sex in the first place? How do I even approach this topic with my daughter? She just says that 'everyone does it -- it's no big deal'. When I was a teenager, I would never even think about having sex with my boyfriend at the time. I guess this shows how old I am."

The topic of sexuality and teens often makes moms and dads - and adolescents - uncomfortable. It can be difficult to even broach the subject of sexuality, and even more difficult should the mother or father suspect their teenager is sexually promiscuous. 

 

Few moms and dads want to confront the issues of sexual promiscuity or inappropriate sexual behavior in their kids, yet avoiding such behavioral problems can be as risky as the behaviors themselves. Not only does sexual promiscuity cause serious health risks to your teenager, it can damage self-esteem and emotional health as well.

Adolescents often partake in risk-taking behaviors. This seems to be a common theme among teens, but it can become a serious issue in troubled teens. Sex may become an outlet for a struggling adolescent's frustrations, much in the same way drugs and alcohol serve as an outlet. In this way, sex becomes a drug, a way to escape feelings and emotional confusion. However, as with any drug, there is a backlash. Any adolescent who is acting out sexually will begin to feel a diminished sense of value and self-esteem.

In some cases, sex can be used as a weapon or defense. A teen might see promiscuous sex as a way of showing the parent that he or she is "free," a grown-up, someone who can "do whatever" they want to do. Allowing a teenager to continue to see sex in such an emotionally immature and self-destructive manner can lead to long-term problems with intimate relationships.

Environment, age of partner and perceived family support may affect young people's decisions to have sex. While the media bombards us with alarming statistics about the number of teenagers having sex, few reports shed light on what might encourage teens to become sexually active in the first place. Three studies offer some insight into sexually active teens: environment, age of partner and perceived family support may affect young people's decisions to have sex.

In a study presented at a meeting of the American Public Health Association (APHA), researchers at the University of Kentucky followed 950 teenagers at 17 high schools in Kentucky and Ohio from 9th to 11th grades. They found evidence that teens who have intercourse tend to think their friends are too, even if they're not. "You're 2.5 times more likely to have sex by the 9th grade if you think your friends are having sex -- whether or not they really are," says Katharine Atwood, assistant professor at the Kentucky School of Public Health. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 

 

Plus, teens tended to overestimate how many of their friends were sexually active. Only 33 percent of kids in the study had had sex by the 9th grade, but 31 percent said that most or all of their friends had had sex. "If you can persuade them that fewer are having sex than they think," she says, "that can have a significant impact on their behavior."

Among young girls, a partner's age is a risk factor for sexual activity. "The younger the girl is at the age of first intercourse, the more likely she is to have a much older partner," says Harold Leitenberg, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Vermont. His study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, found that of 4,201 girls in 8th through 12th grades, those who lost their virginity between ages 11 and 12 tended to have partners five or more years older. 

 

For girls who had sex later in adolescence, the partner's age disparity was much smaller. Early sexual initiation was also associated with a number of behavioral problems. "Ignoring the age of the partners, the earlier a girl was when she first had intercourse, the greater her risk of suicide attempts, alcohol use, drug abuse, truancy and pregnancy," Leitenberg says.

The good news is that while teen sex may not be wholly preventable, the health risks it involves can be reduced through communication within the family. More research presented at the APHA meeting showed that frequent parent-child discussions about sex and its dangers may prevent teenagers from engaging in risky sexual behavior. 

 

Researchers at Emory University questioned 522 sexually active African-American adolescents about the openness and support that their families provided. Adolescents who felt that their families were more supportive were less likely to have unprotected sex, and thus were at a lesser risk for pregnancy and disease.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What is the recommended reward/consequence for academic grades?

Dear Mark.......your Out-of-Control guidelines have been invaluable to me and my wife. We have developed a home rules contract and we are trying to put your guidelines into action.

Question: What is the recommended reward / consequence for academic grades? Our son is underachieving in the 8th grade. He is capable of doing better.

Many thanks in advance, JL

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Hi J.,

The recommendations depend greatly on (a) whether or not poor academic performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict and (b) whether or not the child has a history of poor academic performance.

If poor academic performance is NOT an ongoing source of parent-child conflict -- and if your son does NOT have a history of poor academic performance, then refer to YOUR CHILD'S ACADEMIC SUCCESS <== click…

If poor academic performance IS an ongoing source of parent-child conflict -- and if your son DOES have a history of poor academic performance, then refer to the section of the eBook that addresses this subject ==> EMAILS FROM WORRIED & EXASPERATED PARENTS

Mark

Things have got dramatically worse in the last 2 weeks...

Hi J.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email below: ==>

Hi Mark,

Things have got dramatically worse in the last 2 weeks.

==> Good – you are on track! As you hopefully learned from Session #1, things do get worse before they get better (unless the parent employs half measures). This is expected because kids, by nature, resist change and try very hard to convince the parent that she/he will never “win.”

First my son is excluded from school, he is not supposed to go out of the house in school hours, but wont listen and goes out of the house when he feels like it and comes home when he is ready, he wont answer his cell phone when he is out.

==> Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

It sounds like you really need to kick up the “tough love” a few notches. Are you ready? Here goes!

If he leaves without permission, this is the perfect time to remove everything from his room – including the bedroom door. Leave the heavy furniture. Also, he should not have his cell phone either since he is abusing the privilege. When he successfully completes a 3-day-discipline as outlined in the chapter listed above, he gets all his stuff back. I know this sounds drastic – and it does take some physical effort on your part, but this is serious – no half measures!

He hangs around with a gang of boys and they ride mopeds up and down the street.

==> This one falls into the “pick your battles carefully” category. I don’t think you’ll be able to control who he “hangs around.”

Last weekend he spent £200 and I dont know where he got it from and he wont say.

==> Unfortunately, you don’t have any evidence that he is stealing – and you can’t force him to tell you anything. When you get some evidence, then you can call police and file a complaint.

He is constantly rude and disrespectful when he comes in and tells me dont talk to him or to shut up.

He grabs things away from me, like my car keys or phone if I dont let him have what he wants.

==> Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

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I have to lock everything of mine up so he doesnt take it.

I have tried to ground him, but he wont stay in.

I have taken away the computer and his xbox but he doesnt care because he is not in to use them.

==> He values his freedom. So this is the area you need to focus on. How can you withhold his freedom to run? Be creative. Involve authorities if need be.

I am tired and not sleeping properly constantly trying to think what to do and when it will end.

I am sticking to the programme but to no avail as he wont earn any money for chores, because he is getting money from elsewhere and my money isnt enough for him. He says he can get more from other places.

==> To no avail YET. I noticed from your invoice that you are only into week #2 of the program. You’re only halfway through.

You didn’t say how old your son is. For the sake of discussion, let’s say he’s 16-years-old. It has taken 16 years for the problems to get to this point. Therefore, it is going to take more than 2 weeks to get the problems resolved.

But he constantly asks me to tell social services I dont want him so he can live somewhere else.

==> More manipulation on his part.

He throws things at me when I dont argue with him to try and get a response, and he still doesnt get one, more than the ones in the programme.

==> This is battery. Why are you not calling authorities and filing complaints? Are you trying to save him from legal consequences? If so, then you’re not working the program. I can see now that you will have to take a more proactive stance with this son.

I give him the consequences and he wont accept them.

==> Then he may need to consider living elsewhere.

He also says he is not going back to school next week when he is due there.

==> That’s his choice – which will have (or certainly should have) serious consequences.

I am struggling here, what do I do??????????????

==> Get tough as outlined above. You’re in a tough spot right now. You will have to decide whether or not you will take the easy route (in which case, the tail will continue to wag the dog) or take a more proactive route (in which case, your assertive approach will eventually effect positive change).

There are no simple solutions, but when the parent hunkers down and really gets serious with this program – amazing things begin to happen.

Mark

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