I have hope for the first time in a long time...

Well, D has expressed a desire to go back to his aunt's. He has also done some crying. (That is a good thing) I believe that you can release emotions through anger, and crying. So, he has calmed down some. He is still determined to get back to L's. I explained that he has to finish out his school, and that we have to mend as a family unit. I gave him a small goal of visiting again this weekend. I gave him something to hold onto. I don't want to see him blow his brains out.

I am working on a chore list for all of us. He came upstairs and laid down on my bed and talked to me. I am worried about him struggling with depression. This is not the first time that he has been depressed. Depression also runs in my family, that is why I am calling his pediatrician tomorrow for some direction in that area.

I have hope for the first time in a long time. I have some bumps to deal with along the way, but for the most part, I think we are on the right track.

I know I mentioned military school, but his goal is to become a marine. So, it's not a punishment as it may appear. That is so you can understand where that came from.

Thanks again.

C.

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Today has been a much milder day. That is after we had to insist that he go to school. He was pleasant, we remind him that we love him, and that everything is going to work out. Romans 8:28 We know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, according to His purpose.

Tonight I am handing out household chore list. Putting the past in the past, and looking toward the future. Thanks again

C.

J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for returning my e-mail.

Regarding my previous e-mail about my son going off his medications, he is taking .5 mg risperidone in the morning and 2 mg at bedtime. A well he takes 2 mg of Adderall in the morning. If he still wants to go off of it, would this be a good idea. He said when he comes home he would like to try taking a natural supplement, called "Empower Plus" by Truehope. I'm not sure he has the responsibility yet to work with their counsellors online to do this. I know of this product from two other people who have OCD and bipolar and it has helped them immensely.

I've done the first assignment at this point. To give a little background for this question, J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home which is still part of the Young Offenders to complete his sentence until May 30. On Saturday we received a call from the group home stating that J was returned to the Young Offenders Centre on a disciplinary bounce for up to 15 days for smoking a marijuana joint while he was out on his 15 minute walk. They told me his eyes were glassy and bloodshot and his hoodie smelled strongly of mariuana. Of course, he denied it and made a big fuss...got angry, cried, denied, you have no proof. He was given the choice of them escorting him or the police and he agreed to have them escort him. He called us last night, and still denied that this happened, but that in fact he had bought a joint and had smoked it before but not that time. I said to him, consider you made a mistake and you slipped, learn from it and if you get to go back think about how you would do it differently. He said he definitely wants to go back to AADAC and see a counsellor to help prevent him from slipping. The thing that bugs me, he still isn't taking responsibility for his choice and lying about it. I have no reason to believe that the workers at the group home would lie. He's telling only a half truth. I also told him that it doesn't matter if it was this time or another time the responsibility for your decision is yours. I got the "ya but". How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth. He seems to have a warped perception of circumstances and not only this time. He says things that he feels others want to hear, but I'm not sure he really wants to follow through (that's by his actions)

Also, now that I have started the assignments, I'm trying to use some of the tools and saying things differently. Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home. When he is at the group home, if he's earned it he can go out on a pass with us. He told me on the phone last week that he found it difficult to talk to me because I was acting wierd. I find our situation a little different because he's not at home right now.

The group home staff have suggested to us last week that maybe J won't be ready to come home on May 30 to serve his community supervison at home and we need to have a discussion about that with him. (the judge ordered that children services be involved and find a home for him once his custody is finished). The reason for this is his not willing to follow their rules around the smoking and our rules. He can have permission from us and we've continuously said no. I get the I'm really stressed and smoking is a way to cope and you won't give me that. Its and addiction and I don't understand that. This has been a battle (on the phone) sometimes with him hanging up. I keep telling him the answer is still "no". What I’ve said to J is maybe you won't be ready to come home. He has stated a few times he's coming home on May 30 and I'll say maybe you won't be ready. I'm struggling with this because we do love him, however we cannot not live like we were again. I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

Thanks for you help.

E.

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Hi E.,

Re: How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth?

Don’t “encourage,” simply issue a consequence whenever he’s caught in a lie.

Re: Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home?

Yes.

Re: I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

You’re attempting to save him from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices. This is a form of over-indulgence.

I don’t think it’s fair to keep him in the dark. Put it out on the table and be totally honest with him about what’s going on, and preface your “details” by telling him that he is loved unconditionally regardless of how he behaves -- now and forever.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Stepmom Problems

Mark, I have recently found and joined your OPS. I have a 15 yo son that came to live with me when he was 12. His mother is best described as an overindulgent parent. He was also exposed to her habit of distorting the truth to suit her needs. He learned and has told me that no matter whether wrong or right she always gets what she wants. She will go months without calling him. My son will not open up to anyone. He seems to have the traits of a "scapegoat and a lost child". He has approximately 15 of the 20 traits from your Indulgent parent quiz. I am more in line with an authoritarian parent. Needless to say i have made a multitude of mistakes as a parent. I am also a 13-year police officer with a 50/50 mix between patrol and specialized units.

That said the current problem is that my wife (his step mom) and my son have a very contentious and volatile relationship. Saturday while I was asleep my wife got onto my son about something and he announced that he was leaving. She grabbed his bag and told him that he was not taking the items that he had packed. He shoved her and either kicked her in the leg or stepped on her leg.

My wife woke me telling me that he was leaving and that I needed to get a hold of him and that he had pushed her. My immediate response was to try to calm everyone and get the story of what had happened. Instead it was a lot of "I hate her, all she does is ...".and "I'm tired of his crap all he does is cause problems...."

Things got calmed down and I was able to get some of the frustrations lined out. I spent the day trying to come up with a discipline for him later that evening my wife suggested grounding him to his room w/out tv, ipod, cell, etc..

Now she is upset and resents me because she feels that I did not stand up for her by either pushing/attacking him or whipping him. The more she thinks about it and talks to relatives and friends, the more frustrated she gets. I feel that the physical discipline would give him the "reward" that he seeks. I have no problem with corporal punishment, however he seems to genuinely appreciate it. My wife has commented numerous times over the years that she doesn't understand how he acts perfectly normal, even happy after getting a whipping. But now she is upset that I didn’t mete out some type of corporal punishment to him even after the fact, yesterday or today. I feel almost helpless, nothing I have tried has worked and I can't convince my wife that we are doing the right thing now. I know there is a small window to get him turned around and I am afraid of losing another chance.

Click here for my response...

We're expecting a battle...

Hi Mark,

We're expecting a battle on our hands as the 3-day grounding has just been imposed. My daughter scoffed when she was told last night, even though we had already warned her that if she chose the behaviour, she chose the consequence. How long do we keep starting it from day 1 if she refuses to see the 3 days through?

At 4 o'clock this morning I woke up to some noise and found that she had taken one of the computer monitors from the study room (we have 2 which my husband needs for his work) and was trying to fix up an old CPU so that she could set it up in her bedroom. We have always made it clear to the kids that no computers will be allowed in bedrooms. I told her that I expected her to put everything back the way she had found it. It was still in her bedroom this morning before I left for work and she was asleep so I left her a note.

Should we just stick to the 3-day grounding for the initial reason or impose additional restrictions for this new situation?

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: Should we just stick to the 3-day grounding for the initial reason...?

Yes, absolutely!

There are several important factors to consider when implementing the 3-day discipline. These factors are outlined on the page entitled The Art of Saying ‘Yes’ and The Art of Saying ‘No’ where you see Points To Keep In Mind [online version of the eBook].

Also, be sure to read the answer to How Do You Eat An Elephant?

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He has tried everything in the book...

Hi Mark,

Wondering if you can advise me if what is happening in our house is in the realm of normal with the out of control teen.

We are into the 3rd week and are using the anger control etc. He was grounded last week and came off it on Sunday. Monday morning arrived and by 8.00am he was grounded again for refusing to get in the car to go to school with other contributing factors as well. He was furious! This afternoon he has been highly defiant, the annoying he loves to do towards us has intensified with threats to go along with it. I guess he feels he is not winning and is pulling out all the stops. My husband and I have remained calm throughout!! - amazing -when we are tried to our limits and beyond! He has remarked that the grounding is too harsh, etc etc.

He has tried everything in the book and now refuses to do his homework. I told him that was fine it was up to him if he wanted to fail. He said he can't see why we are treating him like this. I replied that it is his choice if he wants to be grounded - he can decide when he doesn't want to be grounded any more. Is there anything I should be doing differently or are we on the right track.

Thanks for your help (HELP!) From a desperate mother!

J.

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Hi J.,

I think you are greatly on track. I’m not sure how long he was grounded last week – or this most recent time.

Just bear in mind that we want to start with the least restrictive consequence first. For example, grounding for one evening with no iPod. If he refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, then you boost the consequence to 3 days with NO privileges.

Don’t pull out your big guns too soon. Start small …let him decide to choose the small consequence or a larger one.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

My husband and I are psychotic...

First of all, my son refused to sit down. I asked him to do so twice, and it made for a very uncomfortable situation. But, on we went anyways. We are all given choices in life. And it is up to each of us to face the consequences of whatever those choices may be. For example, if I choose to drive my car too fast, I may or may not get caught, but if I do get caught, I am sure that I will get a speeding ticket, and I have no one to blame buy myself. That is responsibility. Freedom comes with responsibility. That is the price of freedom. Do you agree?

When Dad and I told you that you could not go to Ray's party, (because you lied (your choice) you decided to act out. You decided to destroy your bedroom, after I had it fixed up and painted. You decided to punish us? Do you agree? Well, you thought you painted us into a corner…If anyone is painted into a corner, the first thing they do is to try to find a way out? Do you agree?

Well, as a consequence of your behavior, Dad and I chose to go to District Court and apply for a CHINS. It is a court hearing for teenagers who choose to be rebellious. On Tuesday we will be going to speak with a judge in regards to your choice to be rebellious. This is only a hearing. If you choose to come with us and cooperate, the judge will speak to you and explain consequences to rebellious behavior, such as destroying our property. If you choose not to go, you will have to be escorted/ and /or arrested. This is very serious.

The outcome of the conversation is that my husband and I are psychotic. The biggest thing that we can take away from him, is his opportunity to get his permit. Why should we give him his license or permit when he can't be trusted. This is the consequence of his behavior. His attitude and lack of respect for either of us is a real issue here. So, we are letting the dust settle this evening. He can earn it back if he changes his attitude.

So, we decided to go to court, just so he will sit down and listen to us, and what we have to say. If he would have sat down this evening, I would not have had to go this far. Consequences to poor behavior. Please let me know what you think? Your opinion is very valuable during this process. 

Sincerely, Catherine

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Hi C.,

Wonderful job.

I do have a couple comments.

At one point, you said, "He can earn it back if he changes his attitude." This is fairly vague. You need to be more specific when conveying to your son exactly what he must do to earn his permit.

If I were to videotape him having a "change of attitude," what would I see? Would I see that he's not using profanity ...not raising his voice in anger ...not tearing up furniture ...what?

Whatever it is, state it. Be very specific. For example, "You will be allowed to get your permit in 7 days if you (a) get home by curfew, (b) avoid calling me names, and (c) do not damage any property."

I'm just using the above statement as an example. You'll come up with something that actually applies to your particular circumstances.

Re: sitting down.

This is turning into a power struggle. If he wants to stand, let him.

Pick your battles carefully. You have bigger fish to fry than whether or not he is sitting.

My last point is this: We as parents want to foster the development of self-reliance in our children. Thus, the question becomes, "If I do not allow my son to get his permit, will this foster the development of self-reliance - or inhibit such development?"

Clearly, it will inhibit self-reliance. As such, I strongly recommend that do not lengthen the consequence (i.e., no permit) beyond a 7-day time limit. If the consequence goes longer than 7 days, your son will not be able to see light at the end of the tunnel and will likely feel as though he has nothing else to lose (a dangerous frame of mind to be in).

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

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Mark,

Thank you so much for your input. I am listening to you and implementing your ideas. So, rest assured you have an open ear with me.

It was difficult to talk last night, because he would not sit down.

Last night, after the conversation, he was angry. I reminded him that I loved him very much, and that this court thing had to be taken care of. We were not sure if we could cancel it, and that he had to know what was coming.

He felt it was stupid. What did he do?

I remained calm when he called me psychotic, and told him he was entitled to his opinion, but that I knew that I was not psychotic. The fizz went out of the battle.

My husband was able to cancel the CHINS appointment, and I would rather have it that way. I don't want an intermediary.

I will get more specific on "change of attitude". Also, the permit issue. I understand what you are saying …will get more specific.

Thanks so much for your time.

I love your book, and your input, ideas, etc. 

~ Catherine

We caught him using drugs...

Hi,

My son is 15 years old and is out of control. After we caught him using drugs in 9th grade. By the time he was in 9th grade, his grades fell etc. At that time, I asked him if he was glad he was caught, he said that he was. He even went to stay with his Aunt and cousins to get away from the influences, etc.

He came back home six months ago, and has been doing well for the most part. However, he is still acting out and has been hooking up with his old buddies again, which makes me very nervous. I started with my poker face, and have been plugging along.

When we said no to hanging out with his friend, he proceeded to destroy his room. My husband and I actually locked our bedroom door at night. We just didn't know what to think. And I went to court to file a CHINS.

This weekend he is at his Aunts house, and it is quiet, calm, and I can think. I intend to talk to him about the CHINS and explain why I did it. I want to give this program a shot. Even if we go to court, it is only to let him know that we are not afraid to call the police
if need be. It is not a scare tactic, it is a reality at this point in time. He continues to push and lie, and on it goes.

When I speak to him about the changes we are making due to this program, is when I will also bring up CHINS. Even if I use it as a parenting mistake, he will have something to think about.

I am being cautious not to be deceived by his behavior any longer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

C.

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Hi C.,

I’d say you’re right on track. Just be sure to word the warning exactly as follows: If you choose to _____________ (the poor choice goes here), you’ll choose the consequence, which is __________ (the consequence goes here). Then be sure to follow through with the stated consequence in the event he makes the poor choice.

Also, when issuing the above warning, do not provide any intensity (e.g., lecturing, threatening, getting angry, etc.). Otherwise, your son will turn it into a game (i.e., he’ll push the limits just to get another reaction out of you).

Stay tough …your son will benefit.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Mark-

Thanks for your input. What happened is when that behavior went so out of control, I went to the court and set up the hearing. Now, since it is on Tuesday, I am not sure if we can get out of it. So...............that is why I am letting him know about it. He has to go, or they will come get him.

He is such a player that he drove me to do this. I became resolved to do whatever it takes to put an end to bad behavior.

I plan to begin by talking about choices. We all make choices. I could choose to speed in my car, but the consequences are that I would get a ticket. You made a choice to destroy your bedroom. to lie to us, be sneaky, etc. These choices have consequences.

Yesterday began with a simple discussion about blue jeans. He destroyed a pair of his jeans while working. I suggested that he should not throw them out because he made need them next time he works, etc. He got defensive. Instead of blowing up, I remembered the discussion about pain. In order to be heard, I calmly said, I just don't want you to ruin another pair, since they cost money.

Afterwards, he apologized to me for getting upset.

He knows that we are changing, but he does not know the extent of it. He will know tonight. I thank you again for your time.

C.