Do these same principles apply to a 4 year old...

hi mark,

i came across your info online and purchased the ebook.

my question is this...do these same principles apply to a 4 year old (i am assuming yes, and they would ward off any potential poor parenting and child behavior as we grow/learn together)... And if so, then, here's my next question.

after finishing session one and reviewing the assignments, i am confused as to what to do w/ the poker face and fair fighting strategies. What i understood was that i am to implement the poker face immediately and not respond (feed) his intensity seeking and look for times when he is behaving great and turn on the intensity then w/ praise. Also, the fair fighting...."when xyz....i have a problem w/...etc. - crime /pos reframe, problem solve together" - is that also to go into effect now?

i did begin both this week (as soon as i read them) and now tonight i see only the "nurturing" assignments offered. Am i to do all the ones i stated above? Am i on the right track?

thanks kindly and God bless

d.

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Hi D.,

Re: ...do these principles apply to a 4 year old.

Yes. It is sort of a myth that parents are suppose to parent one way when a child is 4 ...then a different way when he is 10 ...then yet another way when he is 16 ...and so on.

Re: ...am I on the right track.

Yes. Begin using the "Fair Fighting" strategy as needed. Also, you may want to draft a parent-child contract (this is discussed in Session #1 assignments as well).

You're on a roll. Keep up the momentum.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child

I cannot get her up, dressed and fed without a huge fight...

Hi Mark,

It's good to be online with parent support. We are currently working our way through Week#1 and there is a lot to digest. I have a question already-I work on a Fri in a hospital and I have to drop my daughter at school by 0800hrs (before-school care) or I'm late for work. I cannot get her up, dressed and fed without a huge fight and find it hard to keep a Poker Face on these Fri mornings. Any other morning when she refuses to co-operate I can leave it up to the school to enforce their "Late Consequences" but I cannot be late for work. Some mornings if I let her she wouldn't go to school at all... I can see how I've become part of the Dependency Cycle as I will offer to help her dress as it's so much quicker.

Thanks,

L.

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Hi L.,

You need to be firm with her. Don't count on the problem going away if you ignore it. However, don't be angry with her as her anxiety and distress are real.

You need to find out what is troubling her. It could be school phobia (a fear of school), separation anxiety (fear of leaving you or the home) or agoraphobia (fear of crowds and public places). These are all very real disorders.

If someone is bullying, teasing, embarrassing, or abusing her, then it could be the first diagnosis. Talk to her teachers to find out what they know and to inform them of your experiences with your daughter.

Assume that your child is physically well and needs to go to school. Keep assuring her firmly and confidently that she'll be fine (and so will you) once she arrives. If she still claims of physical ailments, you have two options:

First, get her to school unless you determine that she truly is sick. In that case she would be running a fever, or have nausea and/ or diarrhea, etc. If she just tells you she doesn't feel well, that isn't enough to let her stay home. Adults often go to work with uncomfortable symptoms.

The second option is to believe her. Since she says she is too unwell to go to school, then clearly she is too unwell to be up and about the house. If she is sick then she is sick, and so she goes to bed: lights off, curtains closed, no TV, no special snacks. Ignore her and go about your normal daily routine. Make sure that the option of staying home is boring. If she is not sleeping then, ideally she should be doing some schoolwork. Certainly there should be no friends or visitors to entertain her.

You can also establish some rewards for going to school.

Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don't argue with her if she resists. The goal her is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she's fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.

Sleep Tips For Children 5-12—

· Prepare the room for sleep -- remove or put away toys that are associated with daytime activities, little or no light is ideal and be sure the room is cool and quiet.

· Let your child have a transitional object to go to sleep with like a doll or stuffed toy -- his association with this object will aid sleep.

· Avoid late night activities that can increase your child's adrenalin.

· Avoid frightening movies and video games close to bedtime.

· Avoid excessive drinking before bed so that your child is not tempted to wake up to go to the bathroom.

· A light nighttime snack can be helpful like cheese or milk -- both contain tryptophan, an amino acid that aids sleep.

· A bedtime routine should be very regimented -- the body likes consistency and the brain does too.

Sleep Tips For Teens 13-18—

· Physical activity should be avoided close to bedtime -- exercise five hours before sleep can be helpful but exercise too close to bedtime can be a stimulant and inhibit a good night's sleep.

· Bedtime should be consistent -- read something 10-15 minutes before bed, or take a bath/shower.

· Avoid stimulating activity like video games, computers and television in the bedroom.

· Avoid caffeine in the afternoon -- caffeine is a stimulant that can inhibit a healthy sleep night.

Stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

JOIN Online Parent Support

J___ is being released from youth custody...

Mark,

J___ is being released from youth custody on May 30 (he's been gone for 4 months) into our custody for a 2 month community supervision order. I have read your e-book for the last 3 months probably reviewed it completely twice and reviewed certain sections a few times. Myself and my husband have listened to the CD's twice and keep on replaying them while we're driving. I am determined to do things differently when he comes home. We have made a detailed "Expectations and Respect" rules for our home that we went over with J___ this past Friday at the centre with a staff present. J___'s comment was its not really any different just clearer. I have said to J___ that I've made mistakes and am committed to changing some parenting strategies, and have actually used some - my husband too. Of course, he hasn't been at home for us to practice a lot and that will all change next Friday ...and I'm looking forward to doing things differently, and I have to admit am a little anxious about him coming home.

E.W.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I am already seeing a change...

Mark Hutten,

You completely rock!! I am only on Week #1, and I am already seeing a change.

I am so impressed with your web site. I keep finding more and more good, helpful stuff!

Thank you and your staff so much! May God bless you and you help us one child at a time to stop the insanity of out of control kids.

~ociana

Online Parent Support

RE: "Is he lacking some sensitivity/awareness skills (brain cells)..."

Hi C.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email below: == >

Mark,

Perhaps the answers to these are in future lessons in the course. If so, please point the way. If not, I'd be grateful for your insights....

1) Is my child being a jerk or does he really not know how to read situations and respond appropriately? Is he lacking some sensitivity/awareness skills (brain cells) that tell would otherwise clue him in that he's being completely out of line?

==> Children with “Oppositional Defiant Disorder tendencies” do have great trouble empathizing (i.e., putting themselves in some else’s shoes; understanding how others may be hurt or inconvenienced).

==> JOIN Online Parent Support 

Is he manipulating us or is he really not (yet) capable of assessing situations and behaving appropriately? I never know whether he's "yanking my chain" or whether he really is somehow incapable of "getting it."

==> Both. He’s not sure what you want (yet), but he knows what he wants – so he tries to manipulate you into getting what he wants.

2) Can/should we expect an apology for hurtful (disrespectful, aggressive) behavior? Or is the consequence (in this case, our refusal to take him to his tennis lesson) "enough"?

== > A consequence is enough!

3) I am having a physical reaction to being in (or anticipating being in) my son's presence. I feel tense/fearful, often have "butterflies" in my stomach, and am always on the verge of tears. What should I do? Get counseling? Avoid him? Something else?

== > Get counseling? Maybe. Avoid him? Yes, whenever you feel like you cannot (a) show a lack of emotion when things are going wrong, (b) put on your poker face, or (c) avoid reacting to his button pushing.

4) We are working through your online course/e-book. Is the whole solution in our approach to our son?

== > Most definitely.

Or is there some therapy work he should be doing as well?

== > Therapy is just another traditional parenting strategy that has little - if no - positive effect, and in some cases it makes a bad problem worse.

It feels very one-sided at this point. Should he not work on recognizing how destructive his behavior is to our relationship? Should he not get help learning to get a handle on his behavior?

== > This is where the consequences that you issue come onto play. This is covered in Sessions 2 and 3 [online version of the eBook]. Don't try to "reason with" your son. Simply issue the consequences as needed.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

School Refusal

Mark,

HELP!! My daughter, aged 15, causes extreme stress on our family every morning. She refuses to get out of bed to go to school. I wake her at 6:00am, again at 6:15 and again at 6:30. She slowly wakes up, then begins to scream and cuss at me for waking him up. I tell her I am just waking her up to get ready for school …she continues to yell obscenities at me for waking her up. We are late to school almost every day. I am a complete nervous wreck by the time we leave the house. Today, she flat-out refused to go to school and stayed in the car sleeping. I finally just went to work and left her in the car. She awoke at noon and continued to verbally abuse me because she was hungry and was angry at me for waking her up. I just don't know what to do any more.

T.

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Hi T.,


Teens can behave in this manner for a variety of reasons. Your daughter may display a mood disorder …she may display what is called a conduct disorder (i.e., a serious personality disorder) …or she may have some learning disorder, now culminating in school refusal after years of struggling with school and developing a negative perception of school.

Whatever the reason(s) for the behavior, she is in need of help. One course to pursue is an evaluation by a mental health clinician, who can help you and him make sense of the situation and plan accordingly.

Another course, depending on where you live, is to approach the local court for assistance via what, in many jurisdictions, is called a Child In Need Of Services (CHINS) petition. This process is designed to address truancy by building in services and allowing the court to underscore the necessity to attend school and to support your authority in this regard.

Another course is to approach the school district and request an evaluation of the need for special services, in light of your daughter's response to school.

Whatever you do, put some of your energy into seeking help. Otherwise, you may likely go on battling with your daughter indefinitely, with no gain.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I'm working through the grieving process...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I've just spent the last several hours going back over lesson #1. It's as though you've been in my house and in my head and in my heart. This is the first time I've ever felt that anyone really understood our daily struggle. Our son has been difficult since he was born. This is not "adolescence". I'm very much a can-do, problem-solver person and, as you've helped me see, I need to let go of that. I'm working through the grieving process, mourning the lost dreams of the child I will never have …same for getting through the shame and guilt and embarrassment. I'm nowhere close on these things. I hope desperately that I can figure out how to get there because this emotional roller coaster is hell.

I'm sure I'll write again. Right now things seem pretty dark but your videos and web site have at least helped me understand that I don't deserve this and it's not my fault.

Thanks again,

C.

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Hi C.,

I am glad to hear that you are giving yourself permission to take fewer burdens upon yourself as well as coming to the realization that your son's behavior is NOT a reflection on your parenting ability.

Appropriate parenting can be ineffective.

Why?

Because your child, by one of the laws of the universe, can CHOOSE to follow your good guidance and influence - or he can CHOOSE to reject it. This doesn't mean you failed as a parent. It does mean, however, that you son is a work in progress and has a lot of growing up to do. He will "arrive" when the timing is right - and not a minute sooner.

Mark

Online Parent Support