I discovered that he had taken my debit card and taken $300 out of my account...

Mark

I really need help here. My 17 year old son, who I have been telling myself is a good kid at heart – but I am just at wits end. He is currently failing a couple of classes, he cuts some classes the absolute maximum number he can without failing (though once he gets to that line, he goes to the classes). He is very, very smart, so it has nothing to do with ability.

Enough background – this morning I discovered that he had taken my debit card and taken $300 out of my account. He has taken money before, but because he was doing so poorly in school, we wanted him to do his school work and not get a job. Obviously, that was a bad decision. He does start work immediately after football camp (which is a requirement for football) on July 1. I will take his paychecks until he has paid me back, but this has got to stop!!!

Can I call the cops and scare him, or is that really bad? I don’t even have a clue how to handle this.

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Hi J.,

Let's slow down...

I want to do what is in your best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point (since you just got started with the program) is to simply work through the four sessions. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire.

I'm not trying to avoid answering your questions. However, since most of the questions you listed in your email will be answered directly in the eBook (mostly in the Online Version), and since the program is designed to take baby-steps toward change, I would encourage you to resist your impulse to leap through the program in search of the "magic bullet." Instead, enjoy the process of working through each session – one session at a time. The results you so desperately desire will come independent of your striving for them. Patience is "key" right now.

Rest assured, you WILL get the answers you need to be successful with this program, but when the timing is right. I would like to save you from rushing into things, and then failing. Is this O.K.?

Your child is 17-years-old. It has taken 17 years for the problems to get to this point. So it is going to take at least a few weeks to get the problems reversed.

We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don't like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast. (This isn't to say that you won't notice any improvements in your child's behavior fairly quickly though.)

As you work through the program, email me as needed for clarification about the strategies outlined in the eBook. Then after the four-week program (after you have digested most of the material), email me again with a specific question regarding any parent-child difficulty you may still be struggling with.

You're not going to "scare" your son with the cops. Don't waste your time with that strategy. Simply set-up a repayment plan (it sounds like you may already have one).

One day at a time,

Mark

P.S. Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos [online version of the eBook].

Struggling every day to get my 8 year old up and ready...

"I am still struggling every day to get my 8 year old up and ready for, well now its day camp, not school. She procrastinates, goes back to bed. I remain calm and don't react, but it’s the struggle every day going thru this. What can I do? What are consequences for this? I have learned and doing very well to keep a poker straight face thru it all. Please advise."

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Develop a bedtime routine. Bedtime routines can be simple—something families can commit to on a nightly basis. After dinner, children have quiet playtime. Then they have a bath, put on pajamas, and have a story read by mom or dad before bedtime at 8 pm. As children get older, they get to help make decisions about the bedtime routine. You can say, ‘You can read a chapter or two or play a game with your sibling, but then it’s lights out.’

Most children do not get enough sleep. How much sleep do they need?

Age	Sleep each day
1-3 years	12-14 hours
3-5 years	11-13 hours
5-12 years	10-11 hours
Teenagers	8.5-9.5 hours
Adults	8 hours

It is recommended that school-aged children get between 10-11 hours of nightly sleep. At bedtime, do not allow your child to have foods or drinks that contain caffeine. This includes chocolate and sodas. Try not to give him or her any medicine that has a stimulant at bedtime. This includes cough medicines and decongestants.

Establish a relaxing setting at bedtime. Follow a consistent bedtime routine. Set aside 10 to 30 minutes to get your child ready to go to sleep each night. Interact with your child at bedtime. Don’t let the TV, computer or video games take your place. Keep your children from TV programs, movies, and video games that are not right for their age.

Also, do not let your 8-year-old stay up late on weekends.

Re: Consequences for not getting up on time. Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Session #3 – online version of the eBook].

Mark

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How to Stop Sibling-Bullying: Tips for Parents

I have been listening and reading through your material and, so far, I am impressed. With a degree in special education, I have taken several behavioral management courses over the years and I have read several books. This material seems to be written specifically for my family! My son is 13 and the oldest of 5. I definitely notice a difference in my son's behavior when we focus more on the positive and state expectations clearly and specifically.

My husband and I struggle with the ability to remain calm when the actions of my son affect our other 4 children. I try not to blame or accuse because that just leads to an argument and denial. I have tried pointing out to my son that he is tired and perhaps should stay away from his siblings who are "annoying" him until he is not so irritable. However, my son continues to aggravate and instigate which most of the time leads to someone getting hurt physically and/or emotionally. My question is: How do I keep a poker face and redirect or remove my child from a situation that he is hurting others when he simply does not listen?? After I have tried several attempts, I often lose my temper...which is exactly what he wants!! Should I just remove my other children from the situation and try to ignore my son?

My husband and I will continue to read over and listen to your material. I have every confidence that this program will work for us. It says what I have been saying for years...my child is not bad...it is his behavior that needs to be addressed and he needs help in learning how make better choices.

Click here for my response...

The Tail Is Wagging The Dog

Mark,

I have been putting your principles into practise for a few months now and everything was going well until my sons best friend came back into his life big time. His girlfriend dropped him two weeks ago and he had been kicked out of both his mothers and fathers house because they cannot live with his behaviour any more, this child has uncontrollable tempers and word around the place is he is on steroids. How do I get my son back on track and to accept that his friend is a bad egg.

He stayed out all night because I was mad with him, he is not responding to the consequences unless I change them. He is now 17 and I know he would be scared if I really threw him out, but I am scared if it backfires. If I call the police when he stays out, is this not going to backfire and make him so wild with me? What normally happens in this case? Can you give some advice?

Click here for the answer...

Mom states: "He acts much younger because of my passive ways of raising..."

Hello Mark. Thank you for replying to my last email so quickly. My son, when he was 17, was discovered using weed with his girlfriend in our house. I of course got furious (I fall under the passive parent). I told him that if this happens again he would have to move in with his father. His father lives in Beverly Hills and I live in Burbank. Well, it happened twice thereafter and I just repeated the same threat. Finally after the fourth time, and right after his 18th birthday, he did it again, and this time I told him that he has made the choice to abuse my rules, therefore he has made the choice to move to his fathers. This was bad for him because he would be loosing all of his friends and would have to start a new school in his senior year.

In addition to the use of drugs he was also lying to me, staying out late and talking back to me and not following thru on commitments. His father was furious with me that I could do such a thing in his last year. So he paid for an apartment for him to stay at until he graduated. I consulted with my therapist before I kicked him out, and she said that I must carry through with my threat, and that it would be good for him to live with his father (which he didn't). She also said to tell him that it was his decision by not following my rules and that I did not kick him out. She said that I should call him at least once a week and have dinner with him once a week. I did call him, but almost every time we made an arrangement he stood me up.

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Now that summer is here, and I have found this wonderful program of yours, I would love it if he would move back in with my and my new husband so that I can have a second chance so to speak. By the way, I was a single mom since my son was 6 mos. old. I just remarried in January and my son gave me away. He wants to live with his father who give free handouts, has been fired from jobs for sexual harassment and is a racist. I am white and he is black. When I lived with him, he would get on the phone he would constantly talk to his black buddies and say that it's the white people fault that he's not working (Movie industry) and they don't like hiring blacks. His 37 year old son lives with him! I don't want my son in this environment, and I don’t know what to do. Please advise.

I know that he is an adult, but like you say, he acts much younger because of my passive ways of raising. If he moved in with me, he would go to college and work part time. I would also make him pay rent to live here and I would follow your method of parent strategies. Thank you, A.

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Hi A.,

As long as your son is (a) working, (b) paying rent, and (c) working toward some type of education, I think it is fine that he lives at home. BUT – if does not follow through with the above and begins to use your house as a “flop house” – then you are back to over-indulgent parenting again – and you WILL suffer the consequences as a result (I know that you know what I’m talking about here – you’ve already gone through it before).

Give him a warning up front re: exactly what the house rules are!

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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I am an over-indulgent parent with both things and freedom...

Hi Mark,

I just want to write you a quick note to vent (a little, since you are an understanding audience) and let you know that you have already opened my eyes to the dependent relationship with myself and my daughter. Wow, the part about wanting to fight with me and that actually gives her a sort of distorted acknowledgment is sort of disturbing and relieving at the same time. I have often felt that she deliberately picks fights with me to get me going but I thought I was making it up in my mind because I was becoming resentful. I want my daughter to be happy but I understand now that the relationship I've created is causing her to be act they way she acts.

By the way...I am an over-indulgent parent with both things and freedom.

I will let you know how things go.
Best regards,
S.

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Hi S.,

I'm glad you are getting some insight into what is going on. Thanks for being open to new ways of thinking.

Stay in touch,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Our biggest mistake was grounding him for too long...

Hi K.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

My husband and I have been taking your online seminar and found it to be very helpful. Our son will be 18 in October. He's never cared about school and has become more and more defiant in the past few years. I would describe his behavior as passive aggressive. He'll say what you want to hear but then do something totally different. He says he will continue high school when he's 18 but I doubt it very much. He wants, wants, wants, but has not motivation behind any of it. He's had a little trouble with drugs but I don't think he is abusing drugs.

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After taking your seminar, we found our biggest mistake was grounding him for too long. He kept screwing up so we just kept adding to his grounding. After awhile, he just ignored anything we said. The 3-day grounding rule helped a little bit, but basically he would get off grounding for a day or so then screw up again.

==> He only "screws up" if he repeats the original offense. Please refer to Session #3 and have another peak at the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid."

That's the cycle we're in right now. But our relationship still has improved because of your recommendations for daily positive affirmations, etc.

I would like your advice in how to handle our latest problem. We discovered over the weekend that our son had stolen $60 from my purse and we have seen some indications that he may be buying and selling marijuana with a group of friends. I've told him that he must pay back every penny of what he took (by doing chores, which will take him sometime to do because he only does chores when he wants something.) I'm not sure if I should go to the police. I can't prove any of this although I believe he has taken money before but can't be absolutely sure. He's had a few minor run-ins with the police already – trespassing on schools grounds at night and possession of marijuana. We have an appt with a juvenile probation office this week regarding these problems.

==> If you don't have any hard evidence that he stole money from you, then you really cannot do anything other than take extra precautions in the future (hide your money). Regarding selling/smoking pot: Get some home drug kits. Test him randomly. Involve authorities if he tests positive (otherwise you will inadvertently be grooming him to become a pusher). (It's good that you will be having a talk with Juvenile Probation Officer.)

Mark

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Thanks for the advice. We had been drug testing B____ randomly but not very regularly. You gave me an idea of tying in the probation offices consequences with the drug testing. If they don’t ask for it, I will “volunteer” to drug test him. That will make both of us accountable.

Thanks for all of your online recommendations. It has been very helpful and I review it all the time. I’ll take another look at the section “When you want something from your kid”.